[muffin70]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have an ‘ok’ sex life… I say it is ok because if I get some sex it’s ok… LOL (we are both mid 40’s and overweight with no kids)

Anyway we have sex about once a week, sometimes it is fast – she will check down below to see if I am erect, and then ask me to get on top of her, or to do doggy style. Other times she will be turned on and I will kiss her, caress her breasts / nipples and finger her while sucking her nipples and she will orgasm – then we will have sex. I would like her to masturbate me slowly and sensually (or fast), but if she does that there’s a good chance I may cum before entering her. (She doesn’t like to see messy cum everywhere!)

The problem is I have a high sex drive and would love to have sex 4-5 times or more a week if I could, but she says it’s because we go to bed to late, or she’s not in the mood… she is not a morning person either and neither am I really (I need my beauty sleep!)

So sometimes during the week / days between when we have sex I masturbate myself – not when she is home obviously, but sometimes if she goes out to see a friend I will feel the urge to ‘relieve’ myself and occasionally I’ve done it at work…. Felt the urge and gone to the toilet to masturbate.

My wife doesn’t like this – she thinks I should ‘save myself’ for when we have sex and I shouldn’t need to masturbate myself at all.

If I do ‘save myself’ for a week or more, sometimes when we do have sex I am so turned on I cum very quickly, but this doesn’t bother her – she just likes to feel me orgasm inside her

She doesn’t like to give oral sex unless I am using a flavoured condom (says she doesn’t like the taste of my penis) and when she does she will usually finish me off by hand so I cum in the condom – sometimes her wrist / hand will get sore and I end up having to finish myself off….

I’ve told her that male masturbation is perfectly normal and that when I do masturbate I am thinking about her and the different outfits / positions I’d like to try with her – but she would rather I save myself for when we have sex.

What are other people’s thoughts / opinions on this?

thanks in advance :-)

[Stillness]

Go to bed earlier and together.

[BambooEarrings]

This is not a male/female thing, so don't blame your wife's gender.

I'm a woman, and I need sex more than my husband. It really is a horrible feeling, and yes I've dealt with it in the same manner, but I'd much prefer the real thing.

Don't get mad at her. Listen to every last thing she says and try to act on it-- if she says you go to bed too late, then go to bed earlier... do things she likes and try not to ask her to do things she doesn't like. I'm not saying it's your fault, but it might be partly your fault. Some women are too shy (yes, even after being married 10 years) to say what they really feel to their husband about their sex life.

Make sure you are always showered and clean and smell good. Consider how you act towards her the entire day. For me, if my husband makes one little mean or insensitive comment, it can turn me off for a whole day or more.

Another thing you can try is to "seduce" her... just ask her if she wants a back rub, or if she wants to just lay down and cuddle... (tell her it's not for sex, but she might get turned on anyway if the pressure for sex is gone) Just hold her really close for a while-- a lot of women get really turned on by just having their body pressed up against a man.

Also, if there are other issues that are worrying her, like finances or health related, they often can make someone lose interest in sex. Maybe there is a problem that you can't fix, but if you find ways of easing her anxiety or helping her worry less about them, it could help her sex drive.

[rcoreyus]

I think the person who wants more sex in a relationship should always fell free to masturbate when their partner isn't interested. Its only a problem if they masturbate instead of being with their partner.

I'm sorry to say that your sex life sounds rather dreary. For both of your sakes you should try to spice things up.

[HisGirl]

I don’t understand why the person in a relationship who wants sex less can’t just make an effort to please the other, they usually end up enjoying it anyway. I’m the one in my relationship who wants more sex. I want it easily twice as much as my husband does. He can go 4-5 times a week at best and thankfully so, but I would prefer every day or more. I’m at even more of a disadvantage because the very thing I love most about sex isn’t the orgasm, it’s his cum. I’m freakishly addicted to it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me in that respect. So him making it about me when he’s tired is nice but it’s not what I truly crave. Masterbating doesn’t really solve this problem for the same reason. Even if he’s not in the mood, couldn’t he just let me get him in the mood? I’m good at that.

It’s the same with your wife, muffin70. I don’t think she’s even giving you a chance to help put her in the mood. So I don’t think she should make you feel guilty about masterbating in between unless she’s willing to satisfy you. It’s the same thing with the scarf fetish you posted about. It doesn’t sound to me like wearing a scarf to bed would be the most difficult thing to do, so why not make the effort to please your partner and indulge him in something he really likes. Heck, I dress up like a schoolgirl sometimes because I know he goes nuts for it. It’s not my thing but I’m more than happy to do it for him. Why can’t they see it the same way? Why are some people so unwilling to do simple things to please their partners? And then to not want you to find another outlet for your frustration is even worse. I don’t get it and I’m sorry for your situation. I wish I knew how you could fix it.

[rcoreyus]

HisGirl, unfortunately people with less interest in sex just don't see it the way you do. Sex when they don't want it becomes a messy unpleasant chore. I can't really relate because I've never felt that way myself, but for many years my wife had very little interest in sex and she just didn't see why I wanted it. Now that (for reasons I still don't understand) our love life has completely gotten better, she initiates more often that I do and seems to enjoy it very much. (And I'm still always happy with it).

Most people with low sexual interest don't read / post in groups like this (since sex isn't important to them), so it is very difficult to try to understand how they feel.

[muffin70]

This is not a male/female thing, so don't blame your wife's gender.

I'm a woman, and I need sex more than my husband. It really is a horrible feeling, and yes I've dealt with it in the same manner, but I'd much prefer the real thing.

Don't get mad at her. Listen to every last thing she says and try to act on it-- if she says you go to bed too late, then go to bed earlier... do things she likes and try not to ask her to do things she doesn't like. I'm not saying it's your fault, but it might be partly your fault. Some women are too shy (yes, even after being married 10 years) to say what they really feel to their husband about their sex life.

Make sure you are always showered and clean and smell good. Consider how you act towards her the entire day. For me, if my husband makes one little mean or insensitive comment, it can turn me off for a whole day or more.

Another thing you can try is to "seduce" her... just ask her if she wants a back rub, or if she wants to just lay down and cuddle... (tell her it's not for sex, but she might get turned on anyway if the pressure for sex is gone) Just hold her really close for a while-- a lot of women get really turned on by just having their body pressed up against a man.

Also, if there are other issues that are worrying her, like finances or health related, they often can make someone lose interest in sex. Maybe there is a problem that you can't fix, but if you find ways of easing her anxiety or helping her worry less about them, it could help her sex drive.

I am not blaming my wifes gender for this - I'm merely stating a fact that I have a higher sex drive than my wife.... we have discussed it and both agree we need to make more of an effort... I'm no saint in the bedroom either and her satisfaction and pleasure always comes (sorry no pun intended!) before mine.

she does love a good back rub and I enjoy giving her one - but the last 2 times I gave her a romantic back rub, she found it so relaxing she fell asleep LOL!

I do agree about your insensitive comment part - women remember things like that much longer then men do
For example if I said something to my wife in the morning that she didn't like, then later at night I asked her if she was interested in making love, she would probably still remember what I said 10-12 hours ago - whereas, if she said something similar to me then half an hour later asked me for sex, I would probably forget whatever she said to me and my sex hormones would take over.

To be honest it wouldn't bother me if she felt the need to masturbate between sex - in fact it would turn me on if she told me she had been touching herself!

but communication is the key here and my wife and I are talking about it so that's good :-)

[muffin70]

It’s the same with your wife, muffin70. I don’t think she’s even giving you a chance to help put her in the mood. So I don’t think she should make you feel guilty about masterbating in between unless she’s willing to satisfy you. It’s the same thing with the scarf fetish you posted about. It doesn’t sound to me like wearing a scarf to bed would be the most difficult thing to do, so why not make the effort to please your partner and indulge him in something he really likes. Heck, I dress up like a schoolgirl sometimes because I know he goes nuts for it. It’s not my thing but I’m more than happy to do it for him. Why can’t they see it the same way? Why are some people so unwilling to do simple things to please their partners? And then to not want you to find another outlet for your frustration is even worse. I don’t get it and I’m sorry for your situation. I wish I knew how you could fix it.

yes - in part I agree with what you are saying... I don't think it is difficult for her to wear a scarf around her neck when we make love, but I'm not going to force her to do something she doesn't want to do - I want her to enjoy our love making as much as possible - even more than myself.
I don't enjoy gardening for example, so when my wife asks me to help pull out some weeds from the garden, I moan a bit then reluctantly go out and help her - I guess it's the same for her sometimes when I am wanting sex and she's not in the mood?

I think she feels that I should find her attractive enough without her having to wear a scarf, but I've said it is an 'added turn on' for me. If she asked me to wear a certain item of clothing or something, then I would only be too happy to do so if it turned her on more.

but we are talking about it more so that's a good thing :-)

[BambooEarrings]

"I am not blaming my wifes gender for this - I'm merely stating a fact that I have a higher sex drive than my wife.... "

Ok, but you did say earlier that you told you wife that "male masturbation is perfectly normal".

Why "male" masturbation? So "female" masturbation is not normal?

If my husband said that, it would make me mad, just like I hate it when he or another man says that men are "visual" (and women aren't?). I don't know your wife, but for me, it would really make me MAD if my husband said that.

Masturbation is normal for male or female if they aren't getting enough sex!

Have you actually tried ASKING her, in a non-threatening and non-annoying way, what you could do to get her more in the mood? I'm not trying to blame you, but most women can easily get in the mood if the man just knows what to do. I know you've been together 10 years, but don't assume you know everything about her. Maybe you are doing things that turn her off... maybe it's something as dumb as she hates your haircut or your facial hair/or lack of facial hair? Some people are weird about what turns them off.
Or it could just be her. Do they make viagra for women? You could look into that. Or get her some of that trojan whatever stuff on tv it's supposed to make women aroused or something. Or buy her jewelry. LOL you'd be surprised how many women suddenly get horny when their man buys them stuff.

good luck.

[muffin70]

I think masturbation is perfectly normal male or female and if my wife felt the need to masturbate herself occasionally it wouldn't bother me - she feels that i shouldn't need to masturbate myself and I should 'hold on' until we have sex. Problem is the times I've done that I've been so turned on that I orgasm pretty quickly....

We've talked about it and we both need to make more time for each other - we both work full time, I go to the gym fairly regularly, plus I play in a band part time at weekends and she likes to watch a lot of things on TV that I don't really like (reality TV, British soap opera) - so when she is watching these things on TV I am usually on the computer (in another bedroom) on facebook or something.
We are looking at getting a wireless laptop, so I can sit in the lounge with her on the computer and we have agreed we should start going to bed earlier