[JustAnotherHusband]

So I've no one else to turn to for advice on this subject.... hoping for a bit of insight from the members here.

Over the last couple of years, my wife's sex drive has diminished considerably. The frequency is now maybe once a month on average, often going much longer.

She does take anti-depressant medications, and I she attributes the low/no libido to this. This makes sense, of course, but there's some things I don't understand about this, and some things that make my somewhat suspicious.

Examples:

When we do have sex, she will commonly say she just want's a quickie, which seems odd to me. Wouldn't it be more likely that she would want more lasting sex during the few times that she's actually in the mood?

She no longer seems to be interested in thinks she used to enjoy, like cunnilingus, for instance, and that really seems unexpected. She says (after a decade of marriage) that it's because she doesn't like the taste of herself when we kiss and that she wants to kiss during sex, but then we don't actually kiss much during sex so that doesn't ring true. Cunnilingus will typically allow her more than one orgasm, so that's what makes this recent choice seem especially odd.

Compared to the typical 41 mother of two, she spends more time than most buying new clothes, going to the salon, getting botox to reduce wrinkles, and is the type of person who will commonly do her hair and makeup just to run to the grocery store. She'll show me new clothes to get my opinion (including bras/panties many of which are quite sexy) and also make sure I know about hit when someone at work compliments her appearance. There's nothing wrong with any of this. It just seems odd that she should be so attuned to being sexually attractive and wanting to be perceived as sexually desirable if she actually has no sex drive.

As for myself, I've been trying to get back into shape, and have now been lifting seriously again for just over 5 months. I'd rather hoped that maybe this would help the situation. While you'll not see me in any before/after miracle exercise advertisements anytime soon, I am more muscular than average and the 5 months have made rather obvious improvements.

I'm not one to fish for compliments, but I am somewhat disturbed that she's not said one single word about any results. Forgetting sexual attraction, it makes me think it's really that she's just not interested in me or paying any attention at all.

One other thing that makes me worry is that earlier in the year, during sex, she indicated some interest in having a threesome, but it became pretty apparent that the only real reason she would consider sharing me with another woman is so that she could then invite another man at a later date. I'm not very comfortable with that, and shared that I'm not sure I wouldn't be too jealous, and that while it might be fun, it could also run the risk of having serious emotional consequences for me afterwards.

Two comments she made that I find somewhat worrisome, are that she said "oh honey, it's only sex" which is absolutely not the type of sentiment she had ever before expressed and also she went out of her way to mention that I'd naturally have to wear a condom if we had a threesome with another woman.

Both comments make me think she's not just thinking about such issues, but (combined with all of the above) make me seriously suspect that she's already dealt with them herself.

Any input, comments and/or corrections on any of my thoughts and concerns would be very much appreciated as I just don't have a frame of reference for what's normal when it comes to diminished libido. I could be completely off base, dead on or somewhere in between but just don't know where else to turn.

Thanks in advance....

JustAnotherHusband

[muffin70]

I think you both need to sit down and have a good talk.....
Tell her how you feel and tell her you want to help her regain her 'sexual prowess' - ask her if there is anything you can do to help
It does seem odd that she is buying new clothes, going to the salon getting botox...etc... Did she do this before her sex drive diminished??
If you can have a 'romantic' night away with your wife or a nice dinner out (this might be hard with 2 kids though) that sometimes helps
My wife and I always make sure we have a weekend away every 5-6 months and we usually have great sex while we are away

Either way - communication is the key!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Relationships are a heck of a lot of work. The lust goes and a deep friendship develops. The more sex a woman has in my opinion, the more she wants, the less, the less she wants and at some point she can lose interest.

Based on what you have written and her age, she's really in her prime sexuality and the fact she is wanting to look good, stay young and buy sexy underwear suggests she feels in her prime as well, including the adventurous side.

What I honestly believe is that sex is sex. She said it, she feels it.

I'd go back 10 years with photos and sit and laugh together. I'd stroke her hair once and smile and walk away. She needs to be able to see you sexually again, instead of "sex", "sexy". Use reverse physcology. You dress up, you are already doing the body thing.. Make her see "you" the man, the previous boyfriend, what she would miss if you weren't in her life anymore.. Dinner date out of the blue, with nothing wanted out of it, other than laughter, a stolen kiss.

You need to put the romance back into it I suspect a friendship deep is more of what you both have that needs to be worked on.

[Obelisk]

The anti depressant is killing her libido. With zero libido you could look like Ryan Reynolds and she still would have zero interest.

I'm a guy, and when I started taking hair loss medication, for about a week my libido dropped to practically zero. I could see the hottest curviest women, and would literally have no interest. Once my body started normalizing again, it came back to normal strength.

From what I've read on most anti depressant drugs, their effects on libido are far longer lasting. I would talk to a doctor about it and rule it out of the way.

[Lady Syrinx]

So I've no one else to turn to for advice on this subject.... hoping for a bit of insight from the members here.

Over the last couple of years, my wife's sex drive has diminished considerably. The frequency is now maybe once a month on average, often going much longer.

She does take anti-depressant medications, and I she attributes the low/no libido to this. This makes sense, of course, but there's some things I don't understand about this, and some things that make my somewhat suspicious.

Examples:

When we do have sex, she will commonly say she just want's a quickie, which seems odd to me. Wouldn't it be more likely that she would want more lasting sex during the few times that she's actually in the mood?

She no longer seems to be interested in thinks she used to enjoy, like cunnilingus, for instance, and that really seems unexpected. She says (after a decade of marriage) that it's because she doesn't like the taste of herself when we kiss and that she wants to kiss during sex, but then we don't actually kiss much during sex so that doesn't ring true. Cunnilingus will typically allow her more than one orgasm, so that's what makes this recent choice seem especially odd.

Compared to the typical 41 mother of two, she spends more time than most buying new clothes, going to the salon, getting botox to reduce wrinkles, and is the type of person who will commonly do her hair and makeup just to run to the grocery store. She'll show me new clothes to get my opinion (including bras/panties many of which are quite sexy) and also make sure I know about hit when someone at work compliments her appearance. There's nothing wrong with any of this. It just seems odd that she should be so attuned to being sexually attractive and wanting to be perceived as sexually desirable if she actually has no sex drive.

As for myself, I've been trying to get back into shape, and have now been lifting seriously again for just over 5 months. I'd rather hoped that maybe this would help the situation. While you'll not see me in any before/after miracle exercise advertisements anytime soon, I am more muscular than average and the 5 months have made rather obvious improvements.

I'm not one to fish for compliments, but I am somewhat disturbed that she's not said one single word about any results. Forgetting sexual attraction, it makes me think it's really that she's just not interested in me or paying any attention at all.

One other thing that makes me worry is that earlier in the year, during sex, she indicated some interest in having a threesome, but it became pretty apparent that the only real reason she would consider sharing me with another woman is so that she could then invite another man at a later date. I'm not very comfortable with that, and shared that I'm not sure I wouldn't be too jealous, and that while it might be fun, it could also run the risk of having serious emotional consequences for me afterwards.

Two comments she made that I find somewhat worrisome, are that she said "oh honey, it's only sex" which is absolutely not the type of sentiment she had ever before expressed and also she went out of her way to mention that I'd naturally have to wear a condom if we had a threesome with another woman.

Both comments make me think she's not just thinking about such issues, but (combined with all of the above) make me seriously suspect that she's already dealt with them herself.

Any input, comments and/or corrections on any of my thoughts and concerns would be very much appreciated as I just don't have a frame of reference for what's normal when it comes to diminished libido. I could be completely off base, dead on or somewhere in between but just don't know where else to turn.

Thanks in advance....

JustAnotherHusband

Been there, done that...for five years. I was on Lexapro for half of my marriage. I said the same things to my husband on countless occasions. Our sex life was pretty much non existent. There are three anti-depressants that have little or no sexual side effects Welbutrin, Remeron, and Aurorix. I`m familiar with Welbutrin and Remeron as I am currently taking both. It is possble to add a minimal dose of either to an SSRI to counteract the sexual side effects. Once I was on them my libidoreturned to normal, it seemed far higher because I`d become so accustomed to having little to no libido. My husband and I are far hipper now that we have a real sex life.

[Lady Syrinx]

I`m adding to my last post.

I offered my husband a threesome too. It wasn`t about a desire to cheat. I though it was a way to give him what I was incapable of offering. The ability to desire and respond to sex the way a woman should.

Is your wife concerned about your sex life too? If she is I recommend that she talks to her prescribing doctor. If the prescribing doctor dismisses her concerns she needs to find a doctor who WILL listen.

We got married in September 2003, I started taking Lexapro during our first year of marriage for depression and AD/HD. I started complaining to my 70ish, male psychiatrist within months. I`d make comments like `We`re newlyweds. We shouldn`t be able to keep our hands off each other. " I should`ve run screaming from his office immediately but I kept going to him another four or five years. I suppose I was hoping he`d see the hints I was dropping.

He was completely oblivious. The straw that broke the camel`s back, was his extreme lack of bedside manner when I finally told him that I wanted a change in medication because the Lexapro had killed my libido and my marriage. He replied "There are books that can help you." Books??? Give me a break!!! The bedside manner of Dr. Kevorkian, eh?

It took me five years and a stay in the hospital before I found a female psychiatrist who was willing to listen to me cry over how Lexapro had destroyed my life. She initially, I was on Zoloft with Remeron for sleep and lowering the Ultimately, I asked her to try Welbutrin because it would also help my AD/HD. I`ve been on that since late 2011. It has improved my life in many ways. The most important being the fact that my libido returned to normal.

[jns]

I`m adding to my last post.

I offered my husband a threesome too. It wasn`t about a desire to cheat. I though it was a way to give him what I was incapable of offering. The ability to desire and respond to sex the way a woman should.

Is your wife concerned about your sex life too? If she is I recommend that she talks to her prescribing doctor. If the prescribing doctor dismisses her concerns she needs to find a doctor who WILL listen.

We got married in September 2003, I started taking Lexapro during our first year of marriage for depression and AD/HD. I started complaining to my 70ish, male psychiatrist within months. I`d make comments like `We`re newlyweds. We shouldn`t be able to keep our hands off each other. " I should`ve run screaming from his office immediately but I kept going to him another four or five years. I suppose I was hoping he`d see the hints I was dropping.

He was completely oblivious. The straw that broke the camel`s back, was his extreme lack of bedside manner when I finally told him that I wanted a change in medication because the Lexapro had killed my libido and my marriage. He replied "There are books that can help you." Books??? Give me a break!!! The bedside manner of Dr. Kevorkian, eh?

It took me five years and a stay in the hospital before I found a female psychiatrist who was willing to listen to me cry over how Lexapro had destroyed my life. She initially, I was on Zoloft with Remeron for sleep and lowering the Ultimately, I asked her to try Welbutrin because it would also help my AD/HD. I`ve been on that since late 2011. It has improved my life in many ways. The most important being the fact that my libido returned to normal.

This is a very important post for others to see. Drugs for one thing can have very profound side effects elsewhere. Try alternate prescriptions if the side effects are not what you can live with. If the doctor doesn't help, change doctors.

[Lady Syrinx]

I`m adding to my last post.

I offered my husband a threesome too. It wasn`t about a desire to cheat. I though it was a way to give him what I was incapable of offering. The ability to desire and respond to sex the way a woman should.

Is your wife concerned about your sex life too? If she is I recommend that she talks to her prescribing doctor. If the prescribing doctor dismisses her concerns she needs to find a doctor who WILL listen.

We got married in September 2003, I started taking Lexapro during our first year of marriage for depression and AD/HD. I started complaining to my 70ish, male psychiatrist within months. I`d make comments like `We`re newlyweds. We shouldn`t be able to keep our hands off each other. " I should`ve run screaming from his office immediately but I kept going to him another four or five years. I suppose I was hoping he`d see the hints I was dropping.

He was completely oblivious. The straw that broke the camel`s back, was his extreme lack of bedside manner when I finally told him that I wanted a change in medication because the Lexapro had killed my libido and my marriage. He replied "There are books that can help you." Books??? Give me a break!!! The bedside manner of Dr. Kevorkian, eh?

It took me five years and a stay in the hospital before I found a female psychiatrist who was willing to listen to me cry over how Lexapro had destroyed my life. She initially, I was on Zoloft with Remeron for sleep and lowering the Ultimately, I asked her to try Welbutrin because it would also help my AD/HD. I`ve been on that since late 2011. It has improved my life in many ways. The most important being the fact that my libido returned to normal.

This is a very important post for others to see. Drugs for one thing can have very profound side effects elsewhere. Try alternate prescriptions if
the side effects are not what you can live with. If the doctor doesn't help, change doctors.

Thanks JNS. Lexapro.stole five years of my life and I'll never get them back, The lesson I learned was to do my own research and don't assume the doctor knows betrer jusr because of the MD tacked on to his/her name. If my story helps one person then all of tears and pain of that period wasn't in vain

[jns]

Thanks JNS. Lexapro.stole five years of my life and I'll never get them back, The lesson I learned was to do my own research and don't assume the doctor knows betrer jusr because of the MD tacked on to his/her name. If my story helps one person then all of tears and pain of that period wasn't in vain

Your husband and you staying together while you found a solution is a message of hope for others. Fortunately you knew what you were supposed to be like at your age and questioned why you were no longer that way. Many people are not willing to fight that hard to get back to what they were and what they know they should be. They are too willing to let things go and later wonder why their relationship broke up. I hope your husband is newly appreciative again of the wife he has.

[Lady Syrinx]

Thanks JNS. Lexapro.stole five years of my life and I'll never get them back, The lesson I learned was to do my own research and don't assume the doctor knows betrer jusr because of the MD tacked on to his/her name. If my story helps one person then all of tears and pain of that period wasn't in vain

Your husband and you staying together while you found a solution is a message of hope for others. Fortunately you knew what you were supposed to be like at your age and questioned why you were no longer that way. Many people are not willing to fight that hard to get back to what they were and what they know they should be. They are too willing to let things go and later wonder why their relationship broke up. I hope your husband is newly appreciative again of the wife he has.

Thanks again. It got pretty rocky for a long time. We`d fight a lot. Especially following sex. He completely blamed himself, his skills as lover primarily. It was impossible to make him see anything else. He`s stubborn, that`s a big reason we stayed together. Once my libido returned he finally realized that he was never to blame. And he is the only person I`ve ever wanted.