[Annieh]

I have been married for 5 years, going on 6. My husband is the only person I have had sex with. I honestly can't think of a time when I really enjoyed having sex with him though. Maybe a couple of times were at least a little satisfying, but never one of those experiences like in the movies when the woman lets out a big sigh and says "that was amazing" or some such nonsense. Amazing is not a word I would use to describe my sex life and I find it hard to believe that any woman would. When I first became sexually active I really was disappointed. It was not this mind blowing thing. it wasnt remotely fun, just uncomfortable and annoying. Hardly an activity worth risking your family for, like so many who cheat do.

The first 4 years it kinda hurt to have sex. I would get yeast infections a lot and when I didn't get infected I would sting or burn after sex. Obgyn said I was fine, but I run dry so need lube. That helped a little, but still didn't feel great. Regardless, I just forced myself to be a good wife and have sex no less than 2 times a week unless I was sick or menstruating or something. It became a huge chore so I never was really in the mood and I can't remember having much of a sex drive in the first place.

Since I've had my baby my sex drive has increased and sex doesn't hurt like it used to. I think I needed to be stretched a little because my husband is...well endowed. But I still don't enjoy it, and since I I can orgasm and all but every time is disappointing and I find it hard to get excited about something so...meh. This tells me that my problem might not be entirely physical like I thought.

We have always fought about sex since he feels like he is missing out. He says he thinks it is funny that someone into kinky stuff ended up with someone with sexual issues, like a cruel joke played on him by the universe. If i tell him how I'm feeling he gets upset and feels bad so I just suck it up and pretend to want it. But I'm tired of faking excitement and it's wearing on me. And my husband apparently needs Sex all the time or he is not happy. its just getting hard to hide the fact that i just want to get it over with.

My main reason for posting is just to get any advice on what I can do. Porn is not an option (getting in the mood physically isn't the problem and porn is a turn off for me). most positions other than missionary and woman on top are uncomfortable, awkward and distracting. Mood killing for sure for both of us. There just isn't much passion on my end and I don't know why. There never really has been, I'm just not a very sexual person I guess. My marriage is great in every way except this and I want to experience what other people do. See what the big fuss is about. Plus I don't want my relationship to continue to suffer because I'm a constant disappointment to my husband in the sack. He loves it and enjoys himself but he wants me to enjoy it with him. I want to enjoy sex, but frankly right now I could very easily do away with it entirely. Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to get intimate. Very disheartening.

[Annieh]

I apologize for the typos and grammar issues in my original post. My browser kept crashing and posted it before i could review and now it won't let me edit. :-/

I just want to add that my husband thinks I have a dysfunction of some kind. He doesn't know I just don't like it and would rather do something else. He enjoys himself when we do have sex which is about once a week. To tide him over I will give him hand jobs, which I really don't mind. It's not very intimate but its better than trying to have sex while thinking of things I would rather be doing. He can tell when my mind isn't in the game and i just want to get it over with and it hurts his feelings. I want to make him happy and give him the passion he wants and needs but I just don't know how. I feel so bad I basically told him the other day that I would understand if he wants to leave me and find someone his is more sexually compatible with. He never would though since every other aspect of our relationship is awesome. Anyway, thanks for listening.

[rcoreyus]

Sex is really important to a relationship so it is worth trying to find a solution.Do you have / enjoy sexual fantasies and / or masturbation? Is your husband willing to try to do what you want in bed, or is there just nothing that appeals to you? I'm trying to get a sense of whether you have no interest in sex, or just you have had bad sexual experiences.

[Annieh]

I never really wanted to have sex before I got pregnant because it didnt feel great and I had really low libido, possibly due to the birth control. Since then I think about sex more and in a more positive way. I fantasize a bit and try new things (i never used to even want to try). But when I do have sex I just don't like it. Tiring, boring, annoying, sweaty, just a disappointment over all. So now I don't want to because of the hassle, not because I can't get my body going or it hurts like before. There's just no red hot passion really. I've never felt that passion people talk about but I didn't care really until now (I actually want to have good sex now). I love my husband dearly but like I said, its just a disappointment. I know it is for him too, but his issue is more with frequency and that he has a "prude" wife. I'm so not into kinky things or toys and lingerie like he is. I just feel stupid and awkward and it kills the mood.

Sex is really important to a relationship so it is worth trying to find a solution.Do you have / enjoy sexual fantasies and / or masturbation? Is your husband willing to try to do what you want in bed, or is there just nothing that appeals to you? I'm trying to get a sense of whether you have no interest in sex, or just you have had bad sexual experiences.

[Gary7]

I'd probably start with an MD that is qualified to test you for any hormone imbalance. For example I think it's fairly well established that a lack of testosterone, in both men and women, can lead to problems with sexual desire. The key is to find a good MD that will take your concerns seriously.

That same doctor should also be able to refer you to a licensed therapist if physical causes are ruled out.

[Fedupwife]

Sounds like a carbon copy of my marriage, except my husband is a nympho. Go figure. Let me know when you get the arguing part figured out. That's my problem too.

[chaya]

Like you I don't enjoy sex. I do it when ever my husband wants it but I don't initiate it and sometimes really dread it. I've been to doctors and had every test, they can find no reason for my frigidity. I blame it on my diabetes.

I have sex because I love my husband and I do enjoy giving him pleasure. While we're doing it I concentrate on the pleasure I'm giving to someone I love and not on any discomfort on my part. I only wish I could enjoy it like he does.

[Annieh]

Thank you, It is nice to know I'm not alone! I spend time thinking about what I'm possibly missing, or being afraid that we're not compatible physically and he would be happier with someone else. In some ways he would be! Sometimes I feel like we're the only couple with no glaring medical or relationship issues dealing with this. I know that's not the case, but I need to be reminded

We only argue when we talk about it so I just avoid the subject when I can. Not the best long term solution i know, but arguing doesnt help either. lately sex is way better in my head than in real life. I guess that's an improvement from where I was a year ago when it was much worse if not just plain gross! We can thank pregnancy for that! Nothing is much more gross than childbirth, haha

Like you I don't enjoy sex. I do it when ever my husband wants it but I don't initiate it and sometimes really dread it. I've been to doctors and had every test, they can find no reason for my frigidity. I blame it on my diabetes.

I have sex because I love my husband and I do enjoy giving him pleasure. While we're doing it I concentrate on the pleasure I'm giving to someone I love and not on any discomfort on my part. I only wish I could enjoy it like he does.

[rcoreyus]

Are there things that you would like your husband to do in bed that he doesn't / can't, or is it just that nothing appeals to you. You say you do fantasize some - are they the sort of fantasies that can be made real?

Is there romance in the rest of your marriage?

[Annieh]

No, there's no romance really.There is love, kindness, appreciation. All the other good things. Surprisingly the baby brought us closer! He used to send me flowers a lot and do romantic things the first couple of years. Romance has never been a huge part of our relationship though. I am mostly the one to blame for this. We joke about how pragmatic i am, and how I don't like to talk about feelings. like a guy, haha.

As for what I fantasize about...I just fantasize about passion. No weird situations or outfits or locations. Just lustiness without all the drama and hassle. Maybe excitement, danger and adventure or something. Impulsiveness. I don't really know. I get plenty of lustiness from him but the sex isn't very satisfying or fun. He is a very predictable, routine type of person.

We don't touch a whole lot though... I can't kiss him without him wanting to go have sex. It's annoying, so obviously I have pulled away a little with the non sexual touching and I shouldn't. We talked about this (calmly btw) the other day after I caught him looking at porn and he was really embarassed. I get why he watches porn every so often, and he doesnt masturbate, so I didn't yell or demonize him. It's mostly my fault anyway. He told me he'd back off on the hug grinding so we can enjoy intimacy without sex again. Hopefully that will help. There are things I have to work on too. It just gets lonely not having anyone talk with about this. To be completely open. I don't feel like I can be totally honest with him yet without it crushing him.