[Atra]

The first time I was introduced to porn I was just a kid. A friend showed a movie to me, where a man held a women down choking her. He kept yelling things like "You love my ********************************! You stupid ****************************************! You're just a ********************************! A dirty, disgusting ****************************************!" She kept saying things like "Yeah! ******************************** me! Don't stop! I am a ****************************************! A ****************************************"
But there was this panic in her eyes and she kept moving away from him. At one point he choked her so hard her face went blue and the audio was cut silent, but we both could see the words "stop" being mouthed by her.
She manage to push him away so he punched her square in the face, not a slap, a punch. She looked surprised as he turned her around. He kept going and she kept robotic moaning while her face turned into a grimace of agony. When he finished inside her, she put a finger into her vagina, and right before the clip was awkwardly cut, my friend paused and you could see a shot of her bloody finger, like the editor missed by a second.

My friend turned to me and said, "This is sex"

During my childhood I gained 200 lbs. In my mind, it was better to be fat-shamed than have boys approach me. I wore sweatpants and baggy clothes, didn't take showers, wore the same clothes for days and never combed my hair.

When I was older I talked to some of the girls in my class about it. Some of the girls told me they've already had sex. One girl told me how she had lost her virginity. This was the conversation.

Girl - Well of course it hurts when you have sex I can't even feel my vagina sometimes. Sure the blood gets annoying, men get angry when you ruin their bed. But he has only beaten me once."

Me - But why would you have sex if it hurts and humiliates you?

She looked at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world.

Girl - Uuuhhh ... do you want to die alone? I mean you're already fat. You just have to sacrifice yourself.

I still remember the huge mental "DUUUHHH" I could hear being projected towards me.

I spoke to one of the other girls. A second opinion is always good. The following conversation follows.

Girl - Oh yeah I've lost my virginity. My current boyfriend is very nice to me. Yeah it hurt, it bleeds a lot. But he always kisses me afterwards. But my parents don't like him ...

Me - Why?

Girl - Something about age, I don't think its that bad. My first boyfriend was 39.

Have you ever had your genitalia suck into your body in terror? Yeah that was mine did.

A few years later I looked some tutorials about female masturbation (yes, the're are tutorials)
And to find some friendly porn I googled "Porn for women"
I found an article named "James Deen debunks porn for women"
Oh okay, I guess I can read that.
And its this male pornstar talking about how women wants the same in porn as men.
Oh okay, I google "James Deen porn" figured this could be something
So I google, press between a few pages, find a clip, play the clip

Guess what the clip contains

This is when I spend my time crying and shaking myself to sleep, my legs are shaking just writing this, my stomach turning. Even reading all your posts and threads make me shiver. Any mention of women having sex with men makes me feel angry, disgusted, sad and afraid.

Why do I not get turned out by being humiliated and rape? What is wrong with me?

I try to masturbate, I even bough different toys and everything, but it just feels wrong and I always start crying and shaking.

Please help me. I don't want to die alone.

[shoshannah]

I'm very sorry you're so upset, but I think you may have gotten the wrong ideas about sex.

The movie your friend showed you was obviously sado-masochism. While there are some people who actually do enjoy giving or receiving pain or humiliation as part of sex, it's probably a very small percentage. And rape, which is forcing someone to have sex without their permission, is always wrong and criminal. People can and do go to jail for that.

It is just unfortunate that your first exposure to sex was something violent, a movie that most people would say is sick.

The conversations you have with friends may have built on that. It is possible that a woman will feel some pain the first few times she has sex, but not necessarily, and not because the guy wants to hurt her. There also may be a little bleeding the first time or two, but again not necessarily. And some guys pay just simply not be nice guys and may hurt their women. If you find a guy like this, LEAVE HIM!!

But if done right, sex is warm and gentle and loving between two people who love each other and want to make each other feel _good_, both physically and emotionally. There can occasionally be some discomfort or even pain, but that's because someone is doing something wrong. When that happens, the person who is in pain tells the other one, and they fix the problem.

When my fiance and I have sex, he is very gentle with me and considerate of me. During sex we are very close both physically and emotionally, and I feel very loved. At the same time, he is doing things to my body with his body that makes my body feel very, very good physically. It is the same for him. There is no humiliation or shame, and no intentional pain. You want to be close to each other because you are in love, and when you are that close your bodies make each other feel incredibly _good_ at the same time you are sharing a close emotional connection.

Please don't be scared of sex. You just need to find someone who will care about you and respect you and who will never do those bad things to you. I promise you that someone like that is out there for you.

[Little]

You have two problems here, and neither of them originate with you.
1. Some people are into FANTASY rape, and that's what the pornos you've seen are catering to (hopefully.) On top of that, some people, especially if they're inexperienced, equate porn with sex. That couldn't be farther from the truth - it's like equating plays or TV with real life. They resemble one another, but porn is a production, a dramatization of sex for entertainment.
2. Your friends have very, very unhealthy ideas about sex and relationships. Rape is not a necessary component in sex. Sacrificing yourself is not healthy in sex. Men getting angry is not healthy, constant blood is not healthy.
While the first time having sex - losing your virginity - is likely to be uncomfortable, a little painful, and maybe slightly bloody, these are qualities that should diminish with each time you continue to have sex. They're also qualities that a good, thoughtful partner should avoid and minimize as much as possible.

Healthy sex lives don't look anything like what your friends and porn have shown you. They are absolutely possible. Of course you are afraid to have sex - you have been traumatized. Showing pornography to children is abuse, regardless of the age of your friend who showed you. You may want to seek counseling over this. You have been made to feel like your normal sexual feelings are part of a violent, degrading, terrifying culture. You need not die alone just because you don't want to take part in it!

Normal, healthy relationships are likely going to include sex. The exception being asexual persons, but it sounds like you want to be sexual and just don't know how to get over your negative feelings. You can absolutely go on to have a healthy sex life, as many rape and abuse survivors do.

[DreamP346]

You have already gotten some good advice here. Here are a few other things you should do.

Stop watching porn. Porn, in itself, is not bad. It's how we let it impact our lives that is harmful. Would you ever watch The Rock movie and think it's real life? No, but if you did, then you would have a real distorted view on reality. Porn is not real live. Its actually very very very far from real life. Most mainstream porn to directed to appear to men, not women. Also, porn is entertainment, not education.

Learn about sex. I would recommend reading Guide to Getting it On. Very easy read but extremely entertaining and factual.

Stop looking to your friends for advice about sex. Even if they weren't in such abusive relationship, they are still not experts. Remember the saying the blind leading the blind. Why do you go to school and learn from teachers and not just your peers? Because your peers know as much about sex as you do. Get information from the experts, not other adolescents who want to pretend they know it all.

[Stillness]

My wife and I are good friends. We love each other. We play and have fun together. (Coincidentally she just came in the room as I was typing this with a mischievous smile and started tickling me). We're partners. We experience the joys and pains of life together. We lean on each other. We encourage one another. Physical intimacy is an expression of our feelings for one another and a part of our relationship. I've known her over half of my life and we have never humiliated each other or hurt each other in any way (at least not intentionally) - not in public, not at home, and not in our bed. Good friends don't.

Unless your pornography is showing all of that, then it's not showing you what sex can be like.

[Obelisk]

What kind of people did you grow up with? WTF? I can't really add anything to what's been said already. Never understood the whole rape fantasy thing myself to be honest.

[kira]

What kind of people did you grow up with? WTF? I can't really add anything to what's been said already. Never understood the whole rape fantasy thing myself to be honest.

Second that.

Sex isn't painful and bloody all the time and any guy you want a relationship with won't choke, hit and humiliate you. Sex is only painful and bloody the first time you do it because you have to break your hymen which is a barrier inside the vagina. How much blood and pain there is varies by person. After that sex should be comfortable and never bloody unless you are on your period. With a good person sex is a very nice feeling.

Your problem with toys is probably that first of all you aren't aroused so you aren't wet and a dry vagina leads to pain and burning sensations (you need to use lubricant if you can't get wet), second you probably haven't broken your hymen yet, and third you are tense which tightens everything making the other problems worse and sometimes causing discomfort by itself.

You need to do more research in to real sex and masturbation and possibly seek counseling for the trauma you experienced about sex.

[rcoreyus]

Sex ed should cover a lot more than disease and pregnancy. Sadly there are people who don't have a good source of information about sex, and turn to porn to learn. While some porn does show normal lovemaking, there is also some that shows various twisted fantasies, and even some (fairly rare) where the actors really are being abused.