[Justice]

Background – female virgin, early 50s (I’ve posted other places about the reasons).

Met a guy (I thought for only friendship or as a potential professional contact) and he took it personal quickly and was highly seductive by email). I was attracted to him and with some life things going on (I had been doing nothing but working and the death of a good friend made me more open to just going for pleasure (life’s short, etc)). Really not sure of whether I wanted a dating/LT relationship (haven’t done so in a very long time)– but still don’t want a ONS or FB situation; but he proposed FWB. (Turns out he is in a LT relationship – I checked: not married, no kids – but claimed no sex/intimacy. Kind of believe this based on some of what he wrote/asked about “being past that point” – so I assume that is the problem with his SO. ) With my current “fear” of a LT relationship and not being comfortable dating, I eventually started thinking – why not, this might actually be just what I needed.

Problem:

While I am a virgin I was almost always able to have an O with my little Homemedics 3 prong massager; normally with a little at my clitoris but also on the pubic bone area. I could often have a couple Os.

But I was still very tight and when I started thinking about maybe having sex with him, I got very relaxed and used dilators to stretch myself so if we did go ahead, I would be able to “take” him.
He wrote me the most erotic stuff – describing all the things he wanted to do to/with me. And I started to use it as a roadmap. (Because before when I would play it didn’t have to resemble “real” sex, the goal was the O.) I have been aroused all the time.

So bought a few more toys a g-vibe (to simulate tongue action) and another g-spot/bunny. I started simulating / acting out the scenarios he described – like lots of oral and making me cum over and over until I NEEDED him to enter me. When I play now I am getting super wet. It feels great and I think I even squirted a little once. But I cannot seem to finish. I have found myself playing with the toys for up to an hour and I do get very wet (use lube on the outside near my clitoris so I don’t get raw).

After I decided that I would be willing /want to be FWB, he then pulled away. (I guess guilt about his SO. I don’t know if any of it had to be with me being a virgin; because at first he seemed put off, then wrote about wanting my hot, wet, tight **********, but then wrote that he did not feel that he was the one (or this the situation) for my first time. (Well I may not have been with a guy, but at this point I feel like I am quite a bit past that point; and I told him so.)


One of the most annoying parts is that I have no one to discuss the fact the one of the worst parts about this is that he has made it so I cannot finish (alone?) . While it feels so good while I am playing, I feel like I have blue vulva (female blue balls?). I looked at getting a plug-in strong (muscle) massager, but the woman at the toy store said that it would make it almost impossible to have an O with a guy. At this point I am not sure whether I care or whether it matters since I don’t think that we will be ever having even cyber sex, let alone having him in person, and I really do not want to just go grab a stranger (and I am not really in a place where I can see a regular or romantic relationship.)

So can anyone give me any advice – if I can stop myself from playing with my new toys several times a day (and for long periods of time), should I be able to go back to how it was? Or should I just go ahead with the stronger massager? Or is there something else that might work?

I need the release of having orgasms.

[rcoreyus]

A strong massager will desensitize you over time (happened to my wife). Whether this is OK is entirely your choice.

You will find someone else who doesn't have attachments.

[Justice]

A strong massager will desensitize you over time (happened to my wife). Whether this is OK is entirely your choice..

So does this mean she can only orgasm with the massager or that she has trouble having an orgasm at all?

I appreciate the feedback. Thanks.

[rcoreyus]

She can orgasm easily with the vibrator but (as far as I know) not without one. Years ago she could orgasm other ways, oral and fingers would almost always work. We started adding sex toys to our play - and both enjoyed them, but gradually she lost her ability to orgasm without strong stimulation. Not a big problem, we use a vibrator during lovemaking, but I know that some people would be bothered by this.

[Guest]

rcoreyus,

Most women I've dated use vibrators. I'd guess that the majority do. Who cares? One woman I've dated didn't use a vibrator. She masturbated using her fingers. I bought her a couple vibrators & she loved them. I bought them for her because she would become obviously easily irritable if she didn't have orgasms every day. A lot of orgasms always changed her bad moods to good. Many times I'd go down on her in the morning so she'd be in a great mood.

BTW, around the turn of the 20th century, moody women were thought to suffer hysteria. Their husbands would have to take them to physicians who'd stimulate them to orgasm thus relieving them of hysteria. If you look in Sears catalogs of that era you'll find vibrators advertised as cures for hysteria.

[rcoreyus]

Don't misunderstand, I have no objections to vibrators. Just want people to be aware that desensitization does happen.

[Guest]

rcoreyus,

You're right. Women have told me the same thing.