[JonDoe]

“Until now, many experts in the field of human sexuality assumed that all people experience sexual desire in a similar way: something triggers a sexy thought, which triggers an urge to act—to become sexual with your partner or engage in self-pleasure. Sexual stimulation then makes you feel aroused.

But some experts are beginning to question this one-size-fits-all perspective on sexual desire. They’ve noticed that for some people, sexual desire—the urge to become sexual—doesn’t precede feeling aroused; it actually follows it. In other words, some people rarely (or never) find themselves fantasizing about sex or feeling sexual urges, but when they’re open to becoming sexual with their spouses anyway, they often find the sexual stimulation pleasurable, and they become aroused. Once aroused, there is a desire to continue. And that’s every bit as much “sexual desire” as the more traditional view of things.

If as you’re reading this you’re thinking, “Yeah, that’s me,” you may be one of those people whose interest in sex doesn’t kick in until you’ve been physically stimulated, and your body, rather than your mind, tells you it’s time. Your desire to be sexual only happens once the right physical buttons have been pushed.”

Excerpt From: Michele Weiner Davis. “The Sex-Starved Marriage.” Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2003.

This precisely explains my wife, yet getting her to understand it, own it, and do something positive with it continues to be a huge struggle. Hopefully, those of you in a similar situation will have a better experience after reading this.

[atskitty2]

So what do you do about it? You can't "get" her to understand it or own it. Maybe she will eventually realize it, but not without some demonstration of it to be played out in her mind.

Personally, I think you two would benefit from talking to a professional, one on one or together. I think you have a communication problem & intimacy problem, not directly a sexual problem.

[DreamP346]

JonDoe, based on what you have described about your wife in the past, this doesn't sound like your wife. She has desire for sex, just not with you. Her desire is for self pleasure. The desire seems to be there.

I have read the other version of that book, The Sex-Starved Wife. This description of the sexual cycle has actually been around for a long time, but it's usually used to describe female sexual response. It's this idea that women do not desire sex in of itself, but they desire intimacy so they engage in sex. Once engaged, they become aroused which leads to desire. It's a theory that has been debated a lot but I think it does describe many people

[JonDoe]

So what do you do about it?

I have tried nearly everything from A to Z -- abstinence, affirmation, blogs, books, communication, counseling, date nights, dirty talk, erotica, exercise, fantasies, forums, gifts, G-spot, hotels, intimacy, just-being-me, kindness, kink, letters, love languages, massages, multiple orgasms, nighties, notes, openness, oral, pampering, podcasts, quickies, relaxation, role playing, sex toys, spirituality, talking, texting, unconditional love, vacations, vibrators, walking, X-rated movies, yoni eggs, Zorro mask -- you name it and I've probably tried it.

We tried counseling 5+ years ago. Before and since, she flat out refused to seek counseling. However, she very recently agreed to counseling again. I'm am cautiously optimistic at best because based on my first hand experience and from talking with others most marriage counselors skirt around intimacy issues. Perhaps it is a lack of training in this area and/or they are uncomfortable with related topics.

At this point, my wife needs to own it and make significant positive changes. She needs to learn to not be dismissive of my feelings, how to communicate effectively, to be open to more sexual and non-sexual intimacy, and to be an unselfish lover. I know that is a tall order, but certainly in the realm of possibility if she is willing to truly work at it.

However, I am not hopeful that she will own it simply because of how is. She thinks our marriage would be perfect if we stop fighting about sex, but cannot comprehend the fact that she holds the key to unlock that door.

[atskitty2]

Or else what? Are you prepared to leave or cheat and have you told her that this is the next step for you?

[JonDoe]

JonDoe, based on what you have described about your wife in the past, this doesn't sound like your wife. She has desire for sex, just not with you. Her desire is for self pleasure. The desire seems to be there.

She loves sex with me, but it takes a lot to get her turned on. I can bring her coffee in bed, leave her a love note, send her flowers at work, send naughty texts, and other things to build desire throughout the day, but the normal pace of life puts out her flame before we get a chance to spend time alone. She claims her mind is always racing, but she doesn't think about sex.

The self-pleasure almost exclusively comes from reading romance novels and erotica. This gets her mind thinking about sex long enough to tune out every other thought and slowly build the desire. The only problem is at that point she wants the satisfaction of an orgasm immediately. She doesn't want to wait just long enough to send me a text or call me up to bed, even though I would be perfectly fine with this being a form of foreplay if you will.

[JonDoe]

Or else what? Are you prepared to leave or cheat and have you told her that this is the next step for you?

Yes, I am prepared to leave and have been perfectly clear in communicating to her that I want us to move forward together, but am prepared to move forward alone if that is what it takes to be happy.

[JonDoe]

I have read the other version of that book, The Sex-Starved Wife. This description of the sexual cycle has actually been around for a long time, but it's usually used to describe female sexual response. It's this idea that women do not desire sex in of itself, but they desire intimacy so they engage in sex. Once engaged, they become aroused which leads to desire. It's a theory that has been debated a lot but I think it does describe many people

My wife doesn't really desire intimacy. She is not big on holding hands, hugging, cuddling, spooning, or kissing. However, she will moan like a porn star when I rub her shoulders, but this very rarely leads to sex.

[DreamP346]

I'm am cautiously optimistic at best because based on my first hand experience and from talking with others most marriage counselors skirt around intimacy issues. Perhaps it is a lack of training in this area and/or they are uncomfortable with related topics.

That is very true because most marriage counselors are not trained on sexual issues. Look for a sex therapists. Most are also family and marriage therapists as well.

I've thought a lot about asking my husband to go to counselling, but he is the type of person that LOVES to talk and talk and talk, make promises and never follow through. That is why I haven't pursued that option myself. I hate to talk and open myself up so putting myself in that position would be mentally draining and I already know it would be useless.

[JonDoe]

I've had plenty of women make passes at me at work and otherwise. Several women at work have even been bold enough to tell me what they wanted me to do to them and what they wanted to do to me. Two married female friends from our community asked me several times to be in a threesome with them. Another married female friend asked me at a party if I was interested in wife swapping. My wife tells her girlfriends what a fantastic lover I am, but naturally she doesn't share the fact that she neglects me. The opportunity is there, but I can't play the cheating card.