[LRA3kay]

Hello everyone. I am a single mom, early 30s, Catholic, and I apparently have some serious intimacy issues.

I never had this problem until I got married, and the problem lead to my divorce. Just before getting married I began to have panic attacks during sex. After getting married they continued, occasionally at first, but then it became every time. I quickly became pregnant and had that excuse to avoid sex, but after the baby was born my fear was worse. My husband was selfish and didn't even try to understand. I tried everything, drinking alcohol before, watching porn before to get more in the mood, meditation, even just suffering through it for his sake. We went to couples therapy, where I was told the about "intimacy issues" but after seeing the therapist alone and together for 4-6 months, I was never offered a solution to this. My husband eventually cheated and blamed me.

Post-divorce, I assumed it was just an issue of having been in a bad relationship where I didn't truly love the person I was with, thus causing some sort of mental block, however the problem persists in new relationships. I love sex and I masturbate almost daily. I have phone sex without problem and I even have been with women without issue. (I am not a lesbian, as I prefer men, and do not intend on a future with a woman, but have never had a problem experimenting so I don't consider myself uptight about sex)

I did suffer rape twice in the past, once at 14, and once at 21, neither were horribly violent and I have truly let go of any of that pain or fear, but it is worth noting. Also, I was in long-distance relationships for many years at a time and very much got used to that dynamic of being happily in love, but far apart much of the time.

I am very self-aware, and am happy being alone with my daughter most of the time. I don't see marriage in my future, but I'd love to have a partner in life. Is this a result of being an introvert? Am I sabotaging? I do not panic in any other aspect of my life. I love being in love, I love having a partner in crime, and I love and need sex, so this is all very confusing.

Anyone suffering this or have any suggestions?

[jen1447]

There are I think a variety of reasons why people might have these sorts of issues, but I'm certainly not qualified to tell you what they are or what's 'wrong' with you though. I think it's great you took the step of divorcing your ex - he wasn't helping at all, by the sound. You may only need something so simple as an understanding partner. There are lots of alternatives to intercourse and close proximity intimacy, and someone who understands and accepts you will help you down that path - mutual masturbation, phone sex, cuddling and intimacy without sex, etc. Please don't feel trapped into believing you have to express and enjoy your sexuality in only a certain 'normal' way. A slow road to letting go of whatever is bothering you might result in a fantastic partnered-sex relationship one day.

[atskitty2]

I can't help but think it goes back to the rapes. I don't mean to ignore that you said you've worked through that, but I think it is related. Have you seen a professional? I would explore that a little more.

[Justice]

For some people Panic attacks happen when you are in situations that triggers Fight or Flight, often when you are in the presence of another person and you'd feel uncomfortable just getting up and moving or leaving

So in a non-sexual circumstance... I know people who have absolutely no problem doing a phone interview (ala phone sex) because they can walk around or make their nervous movements while talking but in person they fear the need to get up and walk around or have their heart pound and feel the need to leave. Some have to drive themselves to places but are fine once they are there. Related to issues with dating as well.

Do you get panic attacks only during sex/sexual situations or in any other "claustrophobic" situations?

[jns]

You didn't go into detail as to how far you went with women, but you characterize it as having no issues. With men, you have issues. When it's not one on one you have no issues. I think your rapes have had a lot more to do with your panic attacks than you believe they do. You may need to go to a psychologist or a psychiatrist to get this issue sorted out. Sometimes we cover up things with many layers so we don't think about them, but the wrong situation cause them to be exposed.

[LRA3kay]

I saw a professional for around months during couples therapy but not since.

[LRA3kay]

No, I'm not claustrophobic. This is the only situation I freak out in.

[atskitty2]

I think if I were you, I would see a counselor specifically for this, and address the rape and any other sexual issues.

[sheepmama]

I am much the same way. I'm so torn. I have desires but I can't seem to act on them because of sexual abuse as a child. I have panic attacks as well. I hope things get better for you.