[face.the.llama]

okay. grew up as one of the guys, but never really with the guys.. cause my parents always joked when I seemed attracted to one. Even though, I don't know why liking guys or any idea of sexual stuff embarrassed me, I'm not embarrassed by much. But through that, I was never into sex, masturbation, or even dating let alone anything else. it just wasn't there, I didn't know what it was like to be turned on, and when I was turned on, I just got confused.

anyways. now I'm 19.. and I've got a boyfriend, and I'm way more sensitive to everything, I'm sooo easily turned on, but I can never orgasm... if feels like I've reached the bump that is right in front of orgasm.. but I can't quite push over it.. even with masturbation.

My boyfriend gets really disappointed that he can't satisfy me, and he always tries to before he lets me satisfy him... but from being disappointed, he usually gets turned off before he gets his turn.

Last night though, I think I hurt his feelings. He was trying to get me off, trying all different sorts of things, and the feeling go so overwhelming. it got to be so much that I couldn't think or function.. but it wouldn't end.. It got to be so much that I pushed him away. He thought he had hurt me, I said he didn't, but I didn't know how to explain why I pushed away.. I tell him he makes me feel good.. and it's the honest truth, but he it seems like he's just pretending to believe me.


I don't even know what to ask in this situation.. maybe just some advice on how to not get overwhelmed.. I guess.. I don't know... something I can try so I might not lose him because of any of the "difficulties." After last night.. I'm getting worried that this might become an issue between my us.. and I don't know what to do.

Thank you for any thoughts you can provide.

[AFemaleProdigy]

Reaching an orgasm

It's important to know first of all, that some women just cannot achieve an orgasm with just sexual intercourse or just oral sex. It's just really hard for some women to climax, period. It's not your fault. It's just part of how your individual body works. There are definately some things that might help though.

Orgasm for women is almost always a mental thing more so then physical. We have to be in the right frame of mind, we have to want it, and we cannot be destracted by anything. You have to work on letting go of your fears and the feelings of pressure to have an orgasm. You need to talk to your boyfriend openly and honestly and tell him that you are going to work at it, but he cannot do or say things to make you feel like an orgasm is required. The stress and fear of not reaching climax will make it impossible for it to happen. You have to let go of that first. When you have sex, just focus on feeling good and enjoying yourselves. Sex does not always have to be about an orgasm. Do not focus on the orgasm. You both have to just tell yourselves, if it happens... it happens. No big deal. That will be your first hurdle.

We are easilly distracted by the littlest things. Things you may not even realize. I personally find it very hard to orgasm under certain circumstances. For instance, my husband went through this period where he wanted to keep asking me questions like "How does it feel?" "Do you like that?" and so on. Just purely to find out if he is making me feel good. But the problem with that was that everytime he asked me questions, it took my focus and concentration off of the physical sensations. It made me think about what to say in return. Every time he did that, I swear it made me farther away from an orgasm. I could be right there, about to climax, then he asks a question... and it's gone. Then we had to work hard to get back to that point again. So the littlest things can distract you. Even changing positions too many times can make it hard to orgasm.

Some times it's easier for a woman to take the time to masterbate alone in an attempt to learn what feels good to you. Try to reach an orgasm on your own without any distractions. If you can do that, then it will help you to tell him what makes you feel best.

Many women cannot orgasm without extra stimulation. You should try getting a small hard plastic vibrator that you can press to your clitorus while you are having sex with your boyfriend. The added stimulation is almost a gaurantee to reach climax. For the longest time, I could not orgasm no matter what we did. Nothing worked. Like you, I would feel really close but it would never happen. Then a friend told me what I just told you. So my husband and I went to the adult store and picked out a small vibrator. It was a little embarrassing going in there, but it was exciting. Using a vibrator changed my sex life forever. It really did. I can orgasm every time now whereas I couldn't at all before. So you should try it.

Hope this helps!

[face.the.llama]

This does help a lot, it gives a lot of sense to the things I hadn't really thought about. I"ll try talking to him and then working on my self in my own time. :-)

I can see why all of this would be pretty important to figuring myself out.

thank you so much!

[LadyLane]

I agree that you talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you not having an orgasm yet is no one's fault in this situation. There are a lot of men who are very wrapped up in their women having orgasms, as either a power issue or it really gets them off sexually, or they feel as though they aren't performing properly if it doesn't happen. But its not for him to make you feel as though you did something wrong. If you're that into each other, he will understand. And he is unknowingly putting that pressure on you... its like, if you go into it thinking its not going to happen, just by thinking that, it definitely won't.

But as the other poster mentioned, you have to let him know that this is how you are right now, and he shouldn't feel disappointed or get turned off by the results. Sex is like life... its all about the journey.

One other question... when you say the feeling got overwhelming and you had to push him away - you mean physically overwhelming? In a sensitivity way?

P.S. I didn't have an orgasm with a guy from oral until almost a year after I started having sex, and it took three years to have an orgasm from intercourse only.

[oceanview2]

???

I am sort of embarrased for asking this but how do you know if you have had an orgasm? I know I never have but when I do will I just know? Once I thought maybe i was there but the feeling was a cramping feeling and i felt like i had to pee. That SUCKED!! so im pretty sure it was not anything near an orgasm.

[bellasmom]

Mind Over Matter

I know this sounds simple, but it's really not, it takes work. Orgasm is a mind over matter kind of a thing, it may not be a physical difficulty you're having. Try invisioning yourself having an orgasm while having sex, put yourself into the mind frame, "Oh that feels sooooo good". And don't ever, ever, ever fake it- because that will cause you to never climax! best of luck!

[kaylar]

The Mind


For women, orgasm has a lot to do with the mind. I
can think of a famous author who told me that the most
intense orgasm she ever had woke her from a dead sleep,
she had been stuck at a point in her novel, and suddenly
it all came in one rush in a dream, and she jumped out
of sleep feeling as if she'd orgasmed.

(The chapter had nothing to do with sex..just in case
you were thinking in that direction).

I know other women who can't have orgasm with their
s/o since....(she learned he had cheated, he lost his
job, he hurt her feelings...fill in the blank).

Some women have a problem, 'losing control', they are
afraid to let go so as they reach the brink, they pull
back.

So it's in the mind.

You have to jump and believe he'll catch you.
That's as clear as I can be on the topic. Just
jump, and he'll catch you.

[LadyLane]

Um, I'm going to add a VERY weird suggestion here...

When my hubby and I are going at it, if I breathe too quickly (okay, pant), like a hyperventilating type of thing, I can't come. I have to focus my breath and take deep breaths and then I have an amazing orgasm. It's another way of relaxing my body. If anyone else has ever heard of this or knows this to be true, chime in.

[bzmum6]

I also agree with Ladylane, I have found the same to be true with myself, I have to relax breath deep, and NOT think about anything else but the sensations...or I lose it too. Also I hate a time when it was the medication i was on, I would have all the sexual desire and almost be THERE and blah...it was gone.SSSoooo frustrating it was....hope it helps.