[Romy]

My partner and I have a great sex life but I'm unable to do anal sex. I know my partner would love to do this and he has done it with previous girlfriends. When we try anal sex he takes his time to relax me and always allows me to set the pace.....the thing is I can tolerate his finger entering me but the moment he tries to insert his penis (and I must stress we use plenty of lube, he lets me be in control - so he's not simply trying to ram it into me) but the moment his penis only just starts to enter me the pain in unbearable. I'd go as far as to say excruciating. I don't know what more we can do to try and allow me to accommodate him. I do push down like I'm going to the toilet but nothing works. Is there anything else we can try? We've tried me being on my stomach and on my side. My partner doesn't pressure me at all but I really feel like I'm letting him down.

[jen1447]

Did someone say anal?

Sorry hon but the main thing you should try is not doing anal sex. He can live without it, and if it's too devastating for him to bear, you might need a new guy anyway. Seriously, it's not for everybody, and if it's excruciatingly painful for you it should just be a no, period.

Now, if you're determined to actually risk more excruciating pain for his benefit, you can improve your odds by very slowly working up to it, I mean like over a period of weeks or moths. Stick with fingers until you can do that with total comfort, then work up to larger things until you get to his penis size. (I assume its size is what the problem is.) That may not even work if you're just not cut out for it tho. Lastly some people have better luck starting out with missionary for anal. Sort of modified missionary really because you have to lay flatter on your back and scoot your butt forward a bit. Also lube should be your constant companion - gallons of lube.

Good luck I guess, lol. Really you should just let it go.

[rcoreyus]

If you really want to do it (and that's up to you) you need to work your way up in many steps from a finger to a penis. You can get soft small sex toys - something not much bigger than a finger, then gradually work your way up. Lots and lots of a very slippery lube.

If you don't enjoy even a finger, you probably won't enjoy more. It shouldn't be painful at all - if it is stop and try again later.

you say he isn't pressuring you, you are pressuring yourself - so you don't need to do it.

Have you tried anal sex on him (fingers or toys)? It actually works better on men than on women, (men have a prostate).

It sounds like you are willing to do a LOT to make him happy in bed - does he do the same for you?

[Romy]

That's right there's absolutely no pressure at all from him. I'm putting it all on myself because I know he would like it. He's done it with previous partners and knowing that makes me feel bad because they did it easily and I can't. He has said we never have to try again that he doesn't need it but for some reason I'm fixated on it. I'll never understand how people actually orgasm through anal sex.

[Romy]

I know you're right about not doing anal sex. Wish I could get the idea out of my mind though.

[jen1447]

Well if you're really determined Romy, you can 'train' like I described above. I kind of assumed it was not a huge deal for you to do it, but if it's somehow tied into your sense of well-being and self esteem then by all means see if you can make it happen. There are numbing creams and stuff like that you can use, but I really don't think that's a good idea - we feel pain for good reason I'm pretty sure, so turning that off might be dangerous. Just go really slow and use tons of lube. Maybe you can turn the whole process into a 'journey' that you and your man can take together.

[catwoman]

There are toys you can buy that helps you start out small and sort of stretch you out a little that may need to be used prior to anal sex. I am in the same boat as you. My husband and I tried anal sex 1 time and it hurt terribly. I don't poo anything the size of what he has! lol Sorry that's blunt, but it's the truth! I bled a little so we didn't try again. He REALLY wants to try again, but I'm just not into it. I may try it again to please him, but if it's painful then it's a no go for good. If you're not comfortable doing something though, don't do it. You can't say you didn't try. He should be able to understand that.

[jen1447]

The tissues there tend to be pretty delicate cat, so if you bled you probably need to increase the lube usage. Also good call about the toys - you can (sorry if this is graphic lol) 'wear' a butt plug around, basically throughout the day (no one will know) that slowly conditions your bum to stretch a bit as you say. Some people do it for the eroticism alone, like you've got your dirty little secret, haha, and the sensation can be nice. (So if you ever come across ladies who go around with a little smile on their face, you might wonder next time if they've got something up their butt. )

[catwoman]

Yes Jen, we didn't use enough lube that time, which is why he wants to try again, because he feels we went about it the wrong way. We did, but it might take me some time to come around to the idea again.

That is a tad disturbing, lol. Now I won't be able to look at anyone straight today if they have a smirk or smile of their face, lol

[rcoreyus]

I wouldn't suggest numbing lubes, they will keep you from knowing if you are doing damage. Lots of slippery lube (go to goodvibes and see which ones are recommended for this). Start small and slowly and work your way up.

Men can be very aroused from anal because of the prostate (if they can get over the "gay" thing). For women its not clear why it works, but for some it does. Adding anal stimulation (fingers or small toy) to other things makes my wife orgasm very quickly. We only very occasionally do actual anal intercourse, unless we take a very long time she finds it uncomfortable - but again it makes her orgasm very quickly.

Have you tried small anal toys with your partner? Its possible that its just the idea of you being penetrated that is exciting to him. The actual sensation for the man isn't very different from normal intercourse.