[JonDoe]

Why are there so many double standards in modern society?

Why is it acceptable for a middle-aged married woman to flirt with a young man half her age, but considered perverted by most women when a middle-aged man flirts with a young woman half his age?

My wife thinks it is perfectly acceptable for her to accept drinks, conversation and dancing with other men when she goes out with her girlfriends; however, she openly admits she is not comfortable with me carrying on this way with other women. She also thinks it is innocent when she flirts with other men, but wrong for me to flirt with other women. She has been dismissive the few times we have discussed this double standard.

Is it acceptable for a married woman to slow dance with a strange man and be turned on by the fact that she can feel his erection pressing against her? If so, then why should it be any different for a married man to be turned on by slow dancing with another woman?

I agree that there is some difference based on who is pursuing versus being pursued, but the real comparison should be based on intentions and actions. Does it really matter who initiates when it simply involves flirtation and flattery and doesn't lead to anything more? If one partner is uncomfortable with this behavior shouldn't the other partner be considerate?

My wife thinks it is perfectly acceptable (as do I) for her to take a nap or enjoy a lazy weekend, but she thinks I am lazy and uninitiated when I do the same. Ironically, she naps regularly, whereas I very rarely nap. She can't stand when I am resting while she is working or doing chores, yet I work nearly twice as much as she does, and she enjoys laying on the couch watching TV or reading a book when I am working late at night or on the weekend to complete an assignment for work or a home project.

What gender based double standards do you find objectionable in a relationship?

[Stillness]

Why are there so many double standards in modern society?

History and perception.

Women haven't enslaved, raped and used men on anywhere near the scale that men have. Also, a young man pursued by a much older woman is not in the same kind of physical danger as a young woman pursued by an older man just because of the physiology.

I think we all have some double standards. I think the ones you suffer from are not normal and seem to be a result of your wife being self-centered. I think that the average person who felt jealous about their mate doing something they do themselves, might not be aware of the double standard initially, but would at least acknowledge it when it's brought to their attention. Failure to do so is not unique to either sex. It's unique to selfish people.

[rcoreyus]

You can't fix society, but you can try to fix double standards in your personal interactions. What you are describing between you and your wife seems like a very bad double standard to me.

[DreamP346]

Yes, there are lots of double standards in society, but it goes both ways. If a man sleeps with lots of women, he is a stub. If a woman sleeps with lots of men, she is a ****. Its not just that women get away with more sexually compared to men. If anything, society puts more restrictions on a woman's sexuality than a man's.

BTW, the double standard in your relationship has nothing to do with social double standards. Actually, in most societies, the exact opposite would be going on with the husband flirting with other women and the woman spending more total hours works (home and office combined).

[jns]

JonDoe, your description is not one of the double standards you raise, rather one of who wears the pants in the relationship. The person who thinks they are in charge of the relationship and acts on that belief, claim rights that they do not give their partner. They can act like a single around others, but their partner better not try it. They can be lazy, but their partner better not try it. Etc.

[rcoreyus]

There are a lot of strange double standards out there. I think its much more socially acceptable for women to be Bi, than for men. Even if nominally "straight" physical interaction between women is more acceptable. Most guys would consider it exciting if they were out partying with their girlfriend and she kissed another girl. I think most women would be pretty shocked if their boyfriends kissed another man.

As sp346 points out I think promiscuity is more accepted for men than women - though that is very dependent on the particular social circle. Women are generally judged far more on appearance, men far more on wealth. Men are more likely to be suspected of sex crimes - though possibly for statistically valid reasons.

Stay at home men are judged much more negatively than stay at home women, and women are much less likely to be accepted in some types of jobs.

All that aside, an individual relationship like John's can be very one-sided for none of those reasons. Often this is because one person has all the power. Sadly the person with less power is often the nice, loving person who doesn't want to hurt their partner, and who is enslaved by their love. It is a difficult step for many people to realize that their love is misdirected and undeserved by their partner.

[JonDoe]

We don't have power struggles. The only thing my wife has the majority of the power over is when/if we have sex because I am ready and willing 99% of the time and she is not most of the time. If she is not (yet) in the mood, then there is no way we are going to have sex. I rely on her to make certain decisions based on her role in the relationship and she does likewise with me. We share responsibility on most other significant decisions, except for a few things that she couldn't care less about. Occasionally she will make a decision on something significant without consulting me, which causes an argument.

Naturally, I don't want to hurt my partner's feelings. Making demands for sex doesn't work nor does begging for it, which I refuse to do anyway. Discussing it in terms of my feelings and needs hasn't worked over all these years either, she is very dismissive. We can go two months without sex, but she swears it hasn't been more than two weeks. She said numerous times over the years that she is going to start marking it on the calendar, but never followed through with it. At one point, I started keeping a calendar (pathetic I know), but she is still dismissive of it.

I think one of the major issues is that our love languages are exact opposite. Physical touch is highest on my list and lowest on hers. Acts of service is highest on her list and lowest on mine. Couple that with the fact that she doesn't think about sex unless reading or watching a movie. She views it as something else that someone wants from her instead of something that we share together and do for our spouse as an expression of our love for each other. She loves sex when we have it, but can easily do without for months at a time, and occasionally masturbates in between.

Her latest claims were that I didn't speak her love language (Acts of Service), so I significantly increase the acts of kindness for months, but now she claims there is no emotional component. However, when I ask her what that looks like for her, she tells me she doesn't know, which as you can imagine is extremely frustrating. I have always tried to have both casual, and deep and meaningful conversations, but she would rather watch TV. I try to spend quality time with her, but she would rather lay on the couch by herself or with the dogs, watching her own shows. I exhibit compassion and sympathy too. I have been supportive of her during good times and bad. From my perspective, she shares emotional intimacy with friends, colleagues and even our dogs, but not with me.

[Stillness]

Most guys would consider it exciting if they were out partying with their girlfriend and she kissed another girl.

Would they really? I do believe that many men find women kissing exciting. But some random women are different from the woman you're in love with and are in a relationship with. I don't doubt that more men than women would be cool with a bisexual expression, but I do doubt that most men would be cool with it.

I also wonder if some of those men that would be cool with a woman they were dating doing stuff with another woman would view that same woman as "the kind you take home to Mama."

[JonDoe]

I often fantasize about my wife kissing and having sex with another woman, as does she (or so she shared briefly about a year ago, but has since denied). Sometimes I am watching until things heat up, and then I join in. Other times, the three of us are going at it together from the start. Most of the time, my fantasy revolves around providing my wife the most physical pleasure and the visual is wonderful for me. Occasionally, I am the center of attention. In an ideal world, we would be able to live out this fantasy once our kids are both off to college and we have more free time to ourselves, but we are so far from a healthy sexual relationship that I am not holding out hope for this to ever happen in this relationship. At this point, it seems like a definite impossibility.

[rcoreyus]

I'd find the idea of my wife being intimate with another woman to be exciting, whether or not I was involved. Its not my greatest fantasy or anything, but I'd be absolutely fine with it.