[Advocate777]

Hi- this is my first post on the forum. I am writing cause I would really appreciate some honest feedback from women.
My wife and I have been married for 28 years. We were super young (18) when we married. We have had a good relationship and have grown a lot together, raised 3 kids, and helped a lot of people in our various professions.
Okay, our relationship got pretty boring sexually and I gained a lot of weight. Sex only happened if I pursued it. Things reached a crisis point last summer. We both made a new commitment to make some changes. I lost 30 pounds and she has been really thrilled with that.
We started a home study course in tantra and that, along with my weight loss, has resulted in a real emotional and sexual revitalization between us. We set aside two days every week to spend the day with each other and connect emotionally and sexually. My wife is orgasmic and always enjoys the sexual intimacy we share. Things have been really great since the weight loss and the connecting thru tantra.
Wy wife is 46 and in very good shape. Recently she told me that she has been masturbating with the Hitachi magic Wand for the past 10 years weekly or more when alone. I think that is great, truly.
Okay, so please give me input on this: last Wednesday nite she came home from yoga and we talked about how we might like to spend the evening. I asked her if she wanted to be with me, maybe have sex if she'd like or if not maybe just do kissing and make out or I offered her a back rub. She said she was really tired and wanted to 'vedge' out and dint want to have sex with me. I said okay. So, she went into take a bath. When she came out of the tub I went in. She said 'good nite- I'm going to bed early' -I got in the tub and turned the jacuzzi jets on. She knew when I was gonna get out because I shut the jets off first and then get out and towel off. But this nite I got out half wet with the jacuzzi noise still going to dash into the bedroom to grab my ipad to read in the tub. I opened the door slowly into the bedroom cause I figured she would be asleep and I didn't want to wake her up. When I opened the door slowly I saw her in bed masturbating with the magic wand and having what looked like an incredible orgasm with a look on her face of ecstasy which I have never seen before. She did not see me and I quickly shut the door and backed back into the bathroom. I waited 15 minutes and turned the jets off and came in odor the nite. She was asleep.
The next day we had our afternoon emotional/sexual 'date day' and went to a local hotel cause our sons were home that day. She said she had no libido that day and that she was 'sore' down there but didn't know why. I said no problem- we did some tantra exercises (breathing techniques) and she said 'I wonder why I have no libido today' I said 'maybe you released your sexual energy in the nite in a wet dream or maybe did you masturbate?' She said 'no, I did not masturbate and I haven't had an orgasm since the last time we were together' I said 'it's okay, I just like being here with you talking and cuddling and you know I don't care if you masturbate...I think it's great for you' she said again, 'I did NOT masturbate last nite....maybe I just don't feel connected to you and that's why I have no libido today, so I asked her if she was upset with me and she said no and couldn't identify why she didn't feel close to me. She said she did not masturbate and she was so convincing I started to doubt my own eyes. But later that day when I went to look up the location for a middle eastern restaraunt for me to take her to (her favorite food) I googled and the previous web search came up that she had entered and the query read 'can a strong orgasm from the magic wand cause a loss of libido the next day?' So I knew I was not crazy, that she had masturbates and had an orgasm and that she had lied to my face boldly--- even though she knows I think masturbation is good and healthy. She chose masturbation alone over having sex with me which I can understand--sometimes she just may need time alone and maybe didn't feel like 'connecting' with me as I know she was tired. What do you think is going on? Our regular sex is great 2x a week but why would she masturbate alone 1-2x a week and then lie about it when I don't mind what she does. I did feel kinda rejected that she chose sex alone that nite over sex with me but because she lied I am now wondering if she prefers sex alone and is only having sex with me to 'manage' me. Am I just being insecure and immature? Any input would be great as I do not have anyone I can talk to about this. Thanks so much.

[muffin70]

Well this might be just me but if I opened the bedroom door to see my wife having an orgasm with a magic wand I would have said "Was that good baby"? or I would have said "give me 2 minutes to turn off the jets and I'll join you"!

I don't know why she wouldn't admit to using it... what has she got to hide??

[rcoreyus]

I view masturbation the same way I view porn. Its OK, but NOT if it replaces intimacy with your partner. If she was to embarassed to tell you about her masturbating, that's fine, but turning you down for sex and then taking care of herself isn't to me.

My wife masturbates (I sometimes notice the toys have be moved from where I left them), but is too embarrassed to admit it.

[jen1447]

The lying is troubling (and that's exactly what it is). As to why, I suppose that yes it's possible she prefers masturbating and doesn't want to hurt you with that knowledge. I'm not quite sure what I'd do about it if I was in your shoes ....

[kdc]

I'd have to tell her what I saw and get it all out in the open so we could discuss it. But, hey, that's just the way I'm built.

[Advocate777]

Thanks all for your input . I have been thinking about it. I think we will talk about it -

[HerHusband]

I agree that Id ask her. I asked mine and she admitted it but does in manually. In your case I would have probably been taken back a bit. Id ask now if she will do it with as part of a sex act between you and her or if that didn't go Id try to catch her at it, wait for climax or right after and go in. Ask to help or how to make it work for you as a couple. Ask to watch if it will make her hot. If not tell her you get it and what you can do to make it fit her needs.

[Trixareforkids]

I would not confront her with it now. A lot of women are very embarrassed about masturbating. If she only recently admitted to using the wand and you've never seen her orgasm with it before then I'm guessing y'all haven't used it as part of your joint play. I'd start there. I believe I know a little of what you're wife may be feeling and it's quite uncomfortable but not impassable. I've been married for 23 years and it took a LONG time before I'd touch myself and longer before I'd use a toy on myself in the hubby's presence. Now it's just part of things and has made things MUCH better.

Playing devil's advocate for your wife, it may be that she really was tired, but the suggestion of sex was there and blocking her from sleeping, so she whipped out the wand and did her thing. She apparently did her thing a little too vigorously which left her sore as she said and the embarrassment was most likely what was killing her libido.

That she lied about it, not cool, but y'all really need to dialog more, being gentle with one another's feeling and hang-ups (masturbation obviously being one of hers). I'd suggest that you, in whatever way works for you, present the idea of pleasuring yourselves in front of one another. Watching your partner is so enjoyable when you can really watch them without being distracted by what YOU are doing.

Male masturbation is pretty much a given, but female masturbation has typically had much more shame attached.

I know you're hurt by her actions, but I really (having been in her shoes) don't think it was an intentional hurt on her part (even though she lied about it when you gave her the chance to fess up) and she may have felt that telling you she'd over diddled herself would be more hurtful than a random loss of libido. It sounds like y'all are getting on a track to a more fulfilling sex life, don't let this incident derail you.

[hemsfavictor]

once used to long time masturbation, it's hard to get out of the old habit. this is pretty much a common scenario for both men & women, although i'm talking on a mans perspective on this one. it is reality that love life bores after many years of togetherness. i also do not believe in the ability to rekindle lost sex drive among couples. once lost, it's lost. perhaps it can be improved, but will not get anywhere close to what it was before. it is also a fact that after many years of marriage & togetherness, men & woman take to self pleasuring habits, which in itself is proof that sexual interests between each other diminishes with time. But since, marriage is much more than just sex, women tend to overlook this diminishing glare in their lives. but as a faithful wife will never seek infidelity as a solution. this may well be a case where her interest in you was lessened & she took to self pleasuring a long time back. since you both talked about this, about rekindling & rediscovering your sexual connection, she consented. she is happy that you are changing & that she want things to be as good as before. but, i think she never gave up her old habit. it's not her fault. truth is she enjoy self pleasuring over the real deal. doesn't necessarily make you a lesser husband. i'm sure she loves you no less that she loved you then. but ...as i said, you've only rekindled your togetherness, not your sexual attractions, as i said previously, once lost it is unrecoverable. give the old lady some space. talk her into masturbating together. her blatant lie was a genuine effort not to hurt you. so, why not give her the consent to do what she likes. but not alone. with you...together!!

[atskitty2]

Could it be that, on this occasion, she just wanted an orgasm only? Maybe she was tired, didn't have the physical energy and emotions left to give on that day?

I think men sometimes just want/need to get off too, and aren't necessarily interested in a 30-60 minute sex session.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

What I do think is a problem is the fact that she hid it,and the lack of openness and communication between you two. If she just needed an orgasm to relax and help her sleep, it would be good for her to be able to just say that's her need. Maybe you'd have accommodated, or maybe you'd have said no thanks.
I think an understanding between spouses that we have differing needs that could change day to day even, being open and accepting those needs is the key, even when it isn't what we necessarily understand.

I disagree with the above poster's opinion that you cannot reignite the passion in your marriage. I think it's not easy and maybe rare, but I know of couples who claim their intimate lives are better after 20 yrs together.