[Paradox]

So I have a question..basically my boyfriend and I are both 20, we've been going out for a year and a bit now.

We never had sex and both haven't before. We used to do other things when we first started seeing each other but not really anymore, but we do "dry hump" without clothes and I guess that's our way of doing anything sort of thing, that happens maybe once a week but sometimes two. We're both also a lot more able to do things when drunk, not sure if that's just because it's confidence in a bottle basically, but then when we drink, I'm too dry to do much for him and I don't let him touch me.

Anyway my problem is that each time we do that, I don't enjoy feeling anything. I only want him to feel good. Each time that I feel anything more, I stop myself or change position or what not and he says he can't be fully turned on if I'm not. I'm not sure if it's because I'm uncomfortable with myself or something..

I'm also not able to get myself to have sex with him for a few reasons..one being that I'm not confident with myself, I feel overweight and I feel gross and not what he wants or whatever. He doesn't treat me wrong and compliments me all the time and we get along really well. We're never apart. Second reason being that I just over think about how weird sex is and I can't see myself doing that..I just find it an odd thing to be doing. And third, because of a bad experience when I was young, I'm scared that it will hurt like it did.

I need help because I want to be able to do more for him but I just can't for whatever reason and don't know what to do anymore.

[jen1447]

Have you thought about getting counseling? That could help and might be needed if you have significant self image issues, as well as the younger bad experience if that's what I think it is.

In the meantime, I think it's important to know that you really don't have to abide by any standard as far as sex goes. If whatever you're doing works for both of you, that's fine and it's really no one's business. You seem to imply that he's basically happy in the relationship, altho he wants you to get more aroused? It sounds like you do fool around a fair amount, and if I understand correctly you get him off? Reason I ask is that the way guys are wired, if he weren't having any orgasms he'd get frustrated pretty fast, so you may indeed want to consider that your 'duty' just to please him, even if you don't get anything from it yourself. I think in a perfect world you'd get more out of sex too, but it's not a perfect world and it sounds like you do enjoy basic intimacy, so I'd just stick with what works for you. Maybe a little meeting of the minds is in order where you work out this deal so that neither of you is in the dark about what's going on with the other. Tell him you're really not comfortable going to that level atm but that you do enjoy everything else, and reassure him it's not him and that you'll still play along with his needs (if you agree with my suggestions that is lol).

Regarding the dryness issue, there's always oral. Compromise!

[Paradox]

I have in the past but I ended up not going when it came to my appointment. But that was mostly for anxiety/self-harm problems more than the self image problems, but I might reconsider going as it seems that it's causing more than just sex problems in the relationship (trust issues as well..for no reason to top it off). He does want me to get aroused mainly because it's sort of stopping me from being more adventurous or what-not and stops us from going further. He also does orgasm and all so that isn't a problem, but sometimes when we're doing something and he's about to cum, he stops me because he doesn't feel comfortable going all the time (he thinks it's gross). I don't mind having sex with him but I'm not sure what's even stopping us We've tried multiple times but there's always a problem that stops us.

I'm also not comfortable giving him oral or letting him do that for me. We've done it before, I think two times each..and we were drunk. I don't mind doing it drunk but he never asks and I don't feel comfortable just going for it.

Sorry if that was confusing. :s

[rcoreyus]

You both need to relax, you are trying too hard. Sex should be (and is) fun - do the things you enjoy.

I think counseling might be a good idea - maybe for both of you. It seems like you have built up a lot of stress around this.

[jen1447]

It's not confusing hon. It just sounds like you've got some barricades put up over this ....really do go see a professional because we probably won't be able to talk you into tearing them down here. We can just offer support pretty much. (HUGS)