[Montana14]

I'm 20 & he's 24. We've been dating for 6 months. I took his virginity. We had sex after 2 months. He never seemed really interested in sex even in the beginning but now it's only gotten worse.
He never initiates it, when I talk about it/try to be flirty he shuts it down and changes the subject. Actually if anyone brings up sex he changes the subject/doesn't react.

At first I thought it was because he's new at it & still a little self conscious. (He use to weigh over 300 lbs and was tormented in high school so he has a few self image issues even though he's lost nearly a hundred pounds)

Now it's just beginning to really really bother & frustrate me.
He'll make every excuse not to do it. Even if I don't bring it up "The reason we aren't having sex right now is because I ate too much, too tired, not enough time, not feeling well etc".

He's pretty inexperienced with dating so he's a little awkward at times. I always have to start conversations or come up with sometime to do and he's like a little puppy that does anything I say and constantly asks if I'm mad or if I'm gonna leave him. One night We almost broke up and he even started to cry. He tells me he loves me, and is very affectionate and always wants to cuddle. So I don't think he doesn't have feelings for me.

The lack of sex make me pretty *****y at times to be honest. And I told him it makes me feel like crap/ugly/fat and like he doesn't find me attractive.
Once he told me when he I'm mad it turns him off because he's so upset and wants to fix things so sex is the last thing on his mind.

For a while that made sense so He and I worked on that and got better at communicating and I tried to get rid of or at least hide the frustration and feeling rejected and things we're going well and he still never initiated sex/turned me down so I figured that was just another lie and he still isn't telling me the whole truth.

He told me when he was a little younger sex was all he thought about. He watched & still watches porn. He says once a week but I think it might be more than that. He tell me a little bit about some odd fetishes he has but he won't go into depth.
And he even admitted he has a sex toy. I think it was called a flesh light. He said he hasn't used that in a ling time but again I don't know how true that is.

The last time we had sex he didn't get fully erect & I even tried giving him a blow job but he ended with him asking me to turn face down and he masturbated to my ***/back. That was a month ago. So after that humiliation I haven't tried to haven't tired to initiate sex and he seems fine with that.

I know that might all sound bad but other than that everything is good. We have fun together and I believe I am in love with him. I can't really see myself without him. And I know he loves me.
But we are still getting to know and getting use to each other. He talks about our future a lot and we've even talked about moving in together.

Sex isn't the most important thing in our relationship but I do think it's important. I enjoy it and like doing it.
I'm not sure if its because I have my own issues but like I said I feel horrible and gross when I feel like my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me. I even told him that and nothings changed in that area.

I'm sure this is a pretty awkward and immature question. But I don't like feeling this way. Why would my boyfriend not want to have sex with me ?

[DreamP346]

Montana, this is a topic that comes up frequently. I think we get one of these threads once a week. That is why nobody has offered any advice. Do a search/look through the history and you will find lots of discussions. This is not an immature question. People who have been married 25 years come here with the same question.

It's difficult to say what's going on.

1) Could be you guys are not sexually compatible. You have mismatched libidos.

2) There may be other underlying issues that he is not telling you about. He may be gay or issues of childhood sexual abuse.

3) May be he has a fetish so conventional sex doesn't interest him. He is willing to get sex toys and watch porn so it seems he does have a libido.

No way to know unless you talk to him.

[Claret]

Very often boys that carry excess weight have low testosterone and higher estrogen. This can affect his "want". Cudos to him for loosing the weight, how did he do that? If it was by shear will power he may still have hormone upsets that haven't been addressed.
Ask if he will be willing to go get a blood test done to make sure that all is alright.

[jen1447]

People often get the wrong of some situation or other by not putting themselves in the other person's shoes and instead judging by their own experiences. (Don't feel bad, trying to see things thru somebody else's eyes is harder than it seems.) But my take from your story is that he is a 'normal' person who craves intimacy and love like we all do but who is very inexperienced and gun shy about sex. Put those two things together and you get a person who wants to cuddle a lot but has excuses for sex, or in a word, your boyfriend. The part you're missing imo by not seeing thru his eyes is his need for intimacy - you don't have the esteem issues he does so sexual expression naturally follows, but he sounds like he's been starved of basic intimacy (touching someone, cuddling), and for people like that, cuddling and contact alone provide a big oxytocin (feel good brain chemical) high. He doesn't want to lose that, but he's inexperienced with sex, and combined with his weight related esteem and history of masturbation and likely feelings of inadequacy as compared to you, he doesn't want to risk 'failing' at it. Best way to do that in his eyes is to play the long game - avoid sex and hope he wins you over with his other charms over the longterm. That's actually a bad strategy, but he may feel there's no other strategy available to him.

What you can do about it is not pressure him sexually and reassure him that you're not standing in judgment of him (sexually or otherwise). (I assume this is the case because you say you love him, but for god's sake, if this is potentially a deal-breaker for you, don't string him on.) In the meantime, also gently communicate to him what your sexual needs are and that they have to be met for you to be happy. The win-win here is that if he's feeling inadequate, his confidence can be boosted slowly by doing generally sexual things instead of forcing him to 'perform' by nailing you to the mattress ....teach him how to play with you with fingers, tongue, etc., and to explore all other parts of your body. His erect penis is not mandatory, and if you convince him that your not hawkishly watching for him to go or stay limp, you may find it naturally gets and stays hard while he and you are having other types of fun with your body. Then you can naturally move on to fun with that part of his, and he'll be sort of organically confident in himself because he has 'shown up' as a result of being sexual with you.

So I'd avoid oral on him at this point (you want to avoid putting the focus on his penis) and let it be more about you and your body rather than him and his performance. That should put him more at ease, and hopefully the rest will take care of itself.

[rhiannon34]

Don't ask me, I would move on.

[effy2014]

If you are serious about a future with him then this issue needs to be worked out -- probably in therapy because he is apparently not being responsive when you talk with him. Marriages generally don't work where there is an unequal desire for intimacy. If he is unwilling to work on this . . . or anything else that is important to you . . . before you get married (or consider a long term relationship), things will only get worse.

[Motorguy]

Well Montana I really think you both have some really big issue with the love issue you just stated you think you in love with him your not sure. Well that's the first thing to need to repair with your self first either you love him or you don't. If the sex is really the deal breaker for you then you may need to part ways. Why i am say this is you not sure you love him so why put more energy into a relationship if it's going no where. If you love him deeply then maybe a love therapist is need for him to find out his issue about sex with you.But i see the ear marking of you moving on with sex behind his back to just to get your filling with sex and I can see that happening in this relationship.You was also saying his was not getting erect that could be a health issue and should be check out by a doctor. But all said and done you have to search within yourself will he see a doctor or a therapist to get help that you can not be in a sexless relationship you need it. So you may have to leave him and find that guy who will enjoy having sex in a relationship.But in the end you need to sit him down and have this serous talk if he doesn't then you need to tell him I am gone and move on Montana. I hope this helps you make a decision on this matter good luck.