[acedetective]

Time to disclose some history before continuing:
1. I am female bodied
2. I am asexual (not sexually attracted to others)
3. I have a history of sexual abuse, and suspect possible nerve damage related to this

So, despite being asexual, I don't mind sex and think it would be pretty cool to be able to orgasm. (Some asexuals masturbate and some don't-- it hasn't done much for me until very recently.)

So, my first concern is with anorgasmia. I've been trying to masturbate for almost 10 years (various techniques, toys, and internet research), and for the majority of that time it's done not a lot for me. I think part of the problem may be mental, since I have read that being very aroused is really important for females to orgasm? The thing is, I'm not sexually attracted to other people so thinking about it doesn't arouse me. I occasionally feel aroused when reading smutty comics, but if I try to touch myself during that time all the arousal just disappears.

However! Very recently (this week) I shelled out some money for a Hitachi Magic Wand, and a Stronic Pulsator. Neither does much alone, but when I use them together I can get this kind of warm, light headed, and pleasant feeling. It's not super amazing, but it's nice and also better than anything else I've felt through genital stimulation. The feeling kind of matches the pre-orgasm "plateau" folks describe online, but I was thinking it might be an orgasm and I just have really mild ones?

Though, while doing research on orgasms, I found that holding it in right when you're about to pee is a Kegel exercise that can encourage intense orgasms-- and I have unknowingly been doing this since I was in elementary school. By that logic, my orgasms should be super powered!

My second question/concern involves female ejaculation. So, for years I have known that touching the rough tissue on the front wall of my vagina, near the entrance, causes me to release a clear liquid. With the recent maybe-orgasm, it started releasing while masturbating. This seems like female ejaculation, but my body was releasing it before, even when there was no maybe-orgasm or pleasant feeling at all. Thoughts?

[Trixareforkids]

Hi ace, yes it's very possible that the pleasant feeling you describe was an orgasm, with all your issues I'd say just keep at it and see if it improves. As to the female ejaculation it doesn't necessarily coincide with orgasm though it's very spectacular when it does.

A couple of clarifications if you don't mind. 1st, you say you're female bodied, did you phrase it that way because you don't identify as female? Second you say you suspect possible nerve damage is this a medical or personal suspicion? And finally, have you sought sexual therapy?

[acedetective]

Hey, thanks for the response! To answer your questions:

1. Yes, I don't identify as a woman (social role/identity) but my body is female (biological.) I haven't taken any body changing anything-- I identify as neutral gendered. Didn't elaborate at first because I didn't see it as related.

2. This is a personal suspicion-- I've never talked to a medical professional about the rough treatment that may or may not have left nerve damage. Sadly, most medical professionals I've dealt with (in person, for an appointment) have not made me feel very comfortable with them.

3. I haven't had sexual therapy, though I have been considering it. I spent years working through abuse and other things on my own, and in general in a pretty good place. In the past, I had looked into sexual surrogacy, actually, but that practice has more or less disappeared-- and I am now married to a non-asexual partner who has helped me work through many things.

[Trixareforkids]

I asked about the gender issue because it seems to me that if you felt you were in the wrong body that it could affect how you subconsciously felt and possibly sabotage things. But as a neutral you're probably right in it not being related. Are there any Planned Parenthood's around where you are, I've found them to be much more comfortable to deal with than most standard GYNs, staff as well as the actual practitioner and it would be good to have them either confirm or rule out a physical issue. It's great that you have a partner who's been able to help you work through some of your issues, but a good therapist would still be beneficial if you can find one and can afford it and it would be good for them to know if there is a physical issue as well as the emotional/psychological ones, it may change how they approach treatment/therapy.

10 years of perseverance, you've got grit and determination, I hope your fledgling O was just the start of many beautiful Os to come.

[acedetective]

Thanks again! There is a Planned Parenthood nearby-- they are actually the only place where I didn't feel judged. Though, I haven't made my normal appointments with them because they are so busy (since they're great and help so many people!) that it's hard to get in. But after many failed attempts at other doctors, maybe it's time to go back. ^^

I'll also see if there are any recommended therapists in my area. (Though, being asexual I'm a little anxious since I've heard some horror stories from other aces about seeing sexual therapists... But hey, I follow a couple of really cool ones on youtube, so maybe there are some like that somewhere close.)

Thanks for the good luck, I'll keep persevering.

[Trixareforkids]

Yeah they do get busy. I make my appointments 2-3 weeks in advance and for early morning to try to get in and out before most of the walk-in get there. It doesn't always work, but I feel the treatment is worth the wait and I like that going there supports an organizations that I believe does good work. I've had some real crap GYNs but the worst I've ever gotten at Planned Parenthood was an indifferent one and she might just have been very tired that day

[Justice]

I was going to ask some similar questions.
One thing I would suspect - and I am in no way very informed about the situation with different gender identification vs your physical - is that I would assume that hormones would be "out of whack" with the so-called normal levels?

Many women have changes - positive or negative - in general arousal and ability to orgasm as we age. Some have complained that their desire had reduced at menopause others skyrocket. I would think that varying levels of hormones come into play with people with gender identification differences?

You mentioned:

The thing is, I'm not sexually attracted to other people so thinking about it doesn't arouse me.

Well I am attracted to some guys and have kind of thought of some when masturbating - but as a virgin I didn't really have the best frame of reference. Generally I try to let my mind go kind of blank and maybe imagine making out and kissing but just go with the feelings ( so I don't think you HAVE to be thinking about anyone else while masturbating in order to orgasm.)

As to orgasming and female ejaculation - your post gives me the opportunity to address some thoughts and questions I have had. I used to masturbate pretty much to same way for years. basically usually laying on my stomach with a little homedics massager and could usually orgasm within a short time - generally a few to 5 minutes. But even after trying a wand - which is too big for me to use in the same position. It seems that except for the handheld shower head or whirlpool jets , though that I almost always have my more typical orgasms (the waves/spasms) in the vagina/vulva area.

I have notices that when I am in other positions, especially on my back or side, I am more likely to ejaculate While it feels great, I mean really great, it doesn't feel like I really finish (the release of sexual tension.) It is like instead of the several spasms/contractions and a feeling of release, it is like I have little wave of FE like right after a single little "orgasmic wave"
(I no longer need to be directly be stimulating my g-spot, now it can happen from clit stimulation.


You also mentioned Kegels and feeling like you are holding it in. Until I started FE around 6 mths ago, I felt different, but now I recognize that I would often orgasm (laying on my stomach) a little easier if I kind of had to go to the bathroom.
Since I started FE, I usually go to the bathroom first - to be sure when I "cum"/ejaculate it is FE not urine.

I have noticed that if I am doing a Kegel like contraction while masturbating it does help me finish.

I'd ask whether other women have any of the same practices. (it might provide insight.)
have you noticed that you either can only - or more easily - orgasm in certain positions ( I guess this is more about masturbating). And whether you ejaculate/cum more in certain positions?

[acedetective]

Yeah they do get busy. I make my appointments 2-3 weeks in advance and for early morning to try to get in and out before most of the walk-in get there. It doesn't always work, but I feel the treatment is worth the wait and I like that going there supports an organizations that I believe does good work. I've had some real crap GYNs but the worst I've ever gotten at Planned Parenthood was an indifferent one and she might just have been very tired that day

Good point. I'd always worried that, since I'm in a better financial situation than I was previously, if I used Planned Parenthood I was depriving resources from someone who needed it more. But going there actually supports them as an organization, and if more people go they may choose to expand.

I was going to ask some similar questions.
One thing I would suspect - and I am in no way very informed about the situation with different gender identification vs your physical - is that I would assume that hormones would be "out of whack" with the so-called normal levels?

Many women have changes - positive or negative - in general arousal and ability to orgasm as we age. Some have complained that their desire had reduced at menopause others skyrocket. I would think that varying levels of hormones come into play with people with gender identification differences?

The hormone question is one people often ask of asexuals-- but the majority of asexuals, myself included, have normal hormone levels. Kinda like, if a gay person were to suddenly have a higher sex drive they would only gear that towards the same sex-- not suddenly become attracted to the opposite sex. An asexual with higher libido (and there are those!) doesn't have any direction for that desire. So, I guess, it's like... For sexual people, having sex with another person is often better than masturbating, because them being there turns you on. But for an asexual, there is only the physical component, and it doesn't really matter if the other person is there or not. (Unless they are repulsed by sex, in which case it might make it worse.)

That said, I think maybe the fact that I've gotten older has affected the recent change, because perhaps my sexual organs have developed further? I've heard that many female folks don't orgasm until later in life, and my own mother said she was in her late 30s the first time she did.

On a side note, because I've studied this a lot, I wanted to include a bit about hormones and gender identity-- current research on how hormones affect gender identity and sexuality suggest that a persons current hormone levels don't affect their sexuality/gender identity (though it may affect sexual desire-- different from attraction-- and sexual performance etc.)

It actually has to do with the structure of your brain, which is affected by 10+ sex hormones released during fetal development. By the time you're born, you already have your brain structured in a way that more or less determines your range of gender identity and sexuality. Though, it is possible for other things to affect where you fall on that range of possibility. (Sorry, I'm a bit of a science nerd! Had to go there.)

You mentioned: "The thing is, I'm not sexually attracted to other people so thinking about it doesn't arouse me. "

Well I am attracted to some guys and have kind of thought of some when masturbating - but as a virgin I didn't really have the best frame of reference. Generally I try to let my mind go kind of blank and maybe imagine making out and kissing but just go with the feelings ( so I don't think you HAVE to be thinking about anyone else while masturbating in order to orgasm.)

I can see that-- I'm actually not a virgin myself. I've had sex on and off for six or seven years now? Currently I'm married to a sexual man, and we have semi-regular sex. Glad to hear other folks can orgasm not thinking about sexual stuff-- I was just worried it may "enhance" orgasms for a lot of people, and because I don't really get aroused mentally I might not be able to improve them. But, I've only just started being able to do it at all, so I'll just keep having patience and see where things go. Even if they don't get more intense, it's much better than feeling nothing at all, but mildly slimy. :P

As to orgasming and female ejaculation - your post gives me the opportunity to address some thoughts and questions I have had. I used to masturbate pretty much to same way for years. basically usually laying on my stomach with a little homedics massager and could usually orgasm within a short time - generally a few to 5 minutes. But even after trying a wand - which is too big for me to use in the same position. It seems that except for the handheld shower head or whirlpool jets , though that I almost always have my more typical orgasms (the waves/spasms) in the vagina/vulva area.

I have notices that when I am in other positions, especially on my back or side, I am more likely to ejaculate While it feels great, I mean really great, it doesn't feel like I really finish (the release of sexual tension.) It is like instead of the several spasms/contractions and a feeling of release, it is like I have little wave of FE like right after a single little "orgasmic wave"
(I no longer need to be directly be stimulating my g-spot, now it can happen from clit stimulation.

Hm, maybe this is kinda similar to me? I don't really get a feeling of release, though, and I don't feel particularly satisfied. Just kinda light headed and pleasant. Definitely kinda twitchy beforehand, though. Weirdly enough, I generally gush out well before the lightheaded feeling, so for me at least it doesn't seem like the ejaculation and orgasm are in any way connected.

One thing I worry about is, at some point it gets really sensitive and I have to move the Hitachi away, so I worry I'm actually just stopping too early? But I tried just holding it still when that happened, and actually it just messed everything up. Extremely uncomfortable, no lightheaded feeling, and then kinda went numb.

You also mentioned Kegels and feeling like you are holding it in. Until I started FE around 6 mths ago, I felt different, but now I recognize that I would often orgasm (laying on my stomach) a little easier if I kind of had to go to the bathroom.
Since I started FE, I usually go to the bathroom first - to be sure when I "cum"/ejaculate it is FE not urine.

I have noticed that if I am doing a Kegel like contraction while masturbating it does help me finish.

Oh, I would also feel like I was enjoying sex more physically (not orgasm related, though) if I had to go to the bathroom a bit. But before masturbating I also have been peeing so that I have peace of mind and can relax knowing I'm not going to ******** myself, haha. I had occasionally done Kegel like contractions during sex to try to make it feel better for my partner, but haven't tried it while masturbating. I'll see if it makes a difference.

I'd ask whether other women have any of the same practices. (it might provide insight.)
have you noticed that you either can only - or more easily - orgasm in certain positions ( I guess this is more about masturbating). And whether you ejaculate/cum more in certain positions?

I haven't experimented much with masturbation yet-- I'm usually just on my back since it's the easiest to use the Hitachi and pulsator. When having sex I always felt better laying on my stomach, though. Oh, I have also never ejaculated during sex-- only masturbation or manually touching the rough tissue (separate from masturbation, since it wasn't self-pleasure.)

[Trixareforkids]

I love a good science nerd/geek, I'm fascinated by people's differences (physical/mental and emotional) myself, I find it very interesting, especially how despite our differences we're all really pretty similar.

On the masturbation topic, when you get that really sensitive feeling try gently moving the wand back and forth over the area, I've found that changing up the pressure usually brings on O whereas staying in the same spot a lot of times just makes it more sensitive without the crescendo. Also, grab a towel That way you can relax and if you do pee a bit (or even a lot) so what? The hubby and I almost always have a folded beach towel under us for easy clean up

As for fantasy/arousal one of my go to fantasies is what call my hedonist fantasy. I imagine myself blindfolded so I can't see who or what is touching me and I don't particularly care if its man/woman/robot or a combination of all, it's all about the sensations, all of my happy spots getting manipulated while I lie blissfully in the dark unaware of what or when the next sensation will be. The details can be made to suit just about anyone And it can work alone or with your partner just by adding the blindfold/sleep mask before they join you.

Since a lot of women don't O from penetration have you tried using the wand while having intercourse? It's pretty easy if you're already on your stomach to just go up on your knees to give yourself room to maneuver the wand in there. My personal preference is for the Eroscillator, it's a wand style too but it has different small attachment pieces rather than the big bulbous head for different types of sensations and I feel that it gives better targeted vibrations. The big smooth vibrators take me forever to get anything going and don't produce as strong Os as the Eroscillator for me. Try a bunch of different textures as well as vibration speeds and positions and you'll eventually find what works for you.

[jen1447]

The whole orgasm/ejaculation question can be really complex ....clit orgasms, g-spot orgasms, whole vagina orgasms, full body orgasms, combination orgasms ....add into all those squirting, gushing, neither or both - the possibilities seem endless. Then add in the fact that no two women are the same.

For me, the sensations of squirting and gushing are quite different, just like clit orgasms are different from g-spot orgasms and so on. I cum really hard for both squirting and gushing, but while I can squirt over and over, I only gush once (per session, and not always), and when it happens it's always at the end, and that orgasm is always the orgasm to end all orgasms in terms of quality, duration, physical impact, etc. Basically a squirt orgasm can be anywhere from an 8-10/10, but the gush is always a 20/10. The point I'm making I guess is that I too experience different things with these different types of Os. They may not be the same different things as you all, but I think it validates the notion of variation in physical response. As to why that is, I have no idea, but it tends to make me want to dismiss any notions of normalcy when it comes to women and how they cum. The whole thing is just too wide open to fit into any neat categories of right or wrong.

(Interestingly, I'm actually more likely to have a gushing orgasm at the end the more clit orgasms I've had preceding it. So for example if I have only one clit O, chances are there will be no gush to follow up and end it. But if I have a bunch of clit Os and squirt and all that and the sex is going on for a long time, the gush O is pretty much guaranteed.)