[mandrus]

My wife an I have been together for over 10 years, married for 3.5 of those years. From the start, we have had amazing sex, and that still is the case. She reaches orgasm nearly every time even still. Like most relationships, we couldn't keep our hands off one another. We were having sex a lot. As the relationship progressed, naturally the frequency of the sex has been reduced to about 3 times/month. I was ALWAYS under the impression that my wife NEVER masturbated. This is because I know that she specifically gave me that information. I always thought that she was in the minority but never judged her for it. A few years ago, she went to a sex toy party and I remember her saying to me, "I dont even know why I am going to this, I dont use any of that stuff". Well she came back from the party with a handful of new toys. We introduced our "new friends" into the bedroom with us on a few occasions but that quickly faded.
We were out drinking (which we do nearly every weekend) recently and I am not 100% sure how it came up but I learned from her that she does in fact masturbate. I was very surprised and she got defensive at that. This was new to me and exciting, there were questions i wanted to ask (How often, do you always use a toy, where, when, are there particular patters?). I wasn't able to ask any questions because she was defensive, she kind of insulted me acting as if I was a fool for not knowing and she was adamant that she never indicated to me that she didnt do it. She did disclose that it was about once a week. Needless to say it turned what I thought might be an opportunity to gain some knowledge and understanding into a full blown argument.
I couldnt stop thinking about it, I had so many feelings. First I felt as if I didnt fully know my wife, why wouldnt she share this with me? I thought we had a strong and open enough relationship that we could share this without shame.
She has always told me that she wasnt a very sexual person (which confuses me because we used to have sex all the time) and I guess that is why I never thought twice when she told me she didnt masturbate.
I thought long and hard (no pun intended) about this and would even say I am obsessing about it...I mean I am here, right? So the next day we kind of didnt really talk about it. A few days later, I brought it up, I started the conversation with "I just want you to know that I think it's sexy" she said "What is sexy?" I said "you, masturbating"...she exploded with a "ARE YOU STILL ON THIS!!!" again all I was trying to do was to learn and understand more about her and her as a sexual partner and not as part of an interrogation, but a conversation. She has said "you do it, I do it, everyone does it, and I would NEVER want to know the details of what you do, as long as it isnt affecting our sex life". For the record, I masturbate about once per day, I usually use porn pics of vids, I find someone that resembles my wife and fantasize about her, but I would rather be having real sex with her. Her lack of willingness and openness has really taken a toll on me. Instead of the questions I had before, I have have a new set based on my insecurity (are you doing it because you arent sexually satisfied? What/who are you thinking of?) I have began the thought process that if she feels the need to hide it there must be something she cant share because she will hurt my feelings.
All of this has led me to devise a way to micro manage the situation and I have been attempting to keep track of her masturbation. I have been taking pictures of her toys a few times a day and comparing the pictures to see if there has been any movement of the items. This obviously doesnt account for any manual masturbation.
We go to bed at separate times, I go a little later than her. I tuck her into bed each night, as I kiss her goodnight, she is already on her side eyes closed, we say our goodnights and if I linger or kiss her more than twice, she rushes me out of the bedroom so she can "go to sleep". I have discovered that the toys are moved at some point between when I tuck her in and when she wakes up in the morning.
I have no problem with her masturbating, but if I am in the house, I am available, engaged, and wanting to give her pleasure, why is she using the toys? Sex with us isnt a long production, in fact last night I put her to sleep as I always do, 45 min later, she sent me a text from the bedroom of a puppy (we love cute dogs). I checked and sure enough she masturbated. I am sure I could have satisfied her and myself in that time unless she is faking, and if she is she is faking, lying, and one hell of an actor. During sex I usually bring her to orgasm when I go down on her, and she also sometimes even squirts when we are having sex.
I always tell her how sexy she is and how in love with her I am. She knows that she could initiate sex if she wanted that. I would love to have more sex, she knows that. We both seem to agree that we dont have a problem with our partners masturbating unless it is affecting the relationship in the bedroom. Well in my mind this is affecting my sex life, when we are under the same roof and at least a couple times a week she is using a vibrator instead of having sex with her husband, that is a problem for me.
I dont even know if she doing it more like in the shower manually, and I certainly dont feel that I can have a conversation with her due to her defensiveness. I do understand that some nights she might just want to plow her own field without the rigamarole of having sex but this is a multiple night/ week thing going on here.
I am confused, a little hurt, and would like to gain some understanding.
Please help

[Patti-here]

Help with what ?

Some Brevity would help...

[mandrus]

Help with what ?

Some Brevity would help...

I am not sure what you dont understand.
I have been in a relationship for 10 years. Sex has gradually decreased and I understand that is normal. Recently found out she masturbates, which I never knew. Everything prior to my finding this out pointed to the reason we were having sex 3X/month was because she said she wasnt a very sexual person. Now I find out that she is much more sexual than she claims to be...only with her vibrator.
I know for a fact she is masturbating while I am in the house after I tuck her in and before I go to bed. She has always raved to me and our friends about how satisfying I am as a lover. So why would she be masturbating if I am in the house and available. I have a small sample size but I can tell you its a couple times a week that she is masturbating instead of having sex with a husband that lusts, adores, and thinks the world of her.
My question is why would she choose the vibrator over me repeatedly.
I should also state that we have a peaceful homelife.

[DreamP346]

mandrus, this topic has actually come up frequently. Maybe reading these older threads may help.

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/sex/50654-my-wife-masturbating-when-she.html

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/sex/40567-your-thoughts-please-my-wife.html

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/sex/63975-need-input-advice-woman.html

[mandrus]

Thank you...I have read the "is my wife masturbating when she thinks I am asleep" that article is how I ended up here. I will read the other two. And there is NO way she is doing it while I am in the bed with her.

[effy2014]

Mandrus

The real issue isn't whether/how often your wife masterbates . . . the question is why sex has decreased to 3 times a month. Masterbation rarely takes the place of intimacy in a healthy relationship. I am sure that you would find it creepy if your wife started investigating how often you beat off and where/how you did it.

Instead of fixating on how often she masterbates, talk about the lack of intimacy how and how it affects your relationship. You are right, communication cannot occur when either party gets defensive. I can see that she thinks her activity is private and your questions are an invasion. But she should understand the need to address a relationship issue and be less defensive.

[mandrus]

Mandrus

The real issue isn't whether/how often your wife masterbates . . . the question is why sex has decreased to 3 times a month. Masterbation rarely takes the place of intimacy in a healthy relationship. I am sure that you would find it creepy if your wife started investigating how often you beat off and where/how you did it.

Instead of fixating on how often she masterbates, talk about the lack of intimacy how and how it affects your relationship. You are right, communication cannot occur when either party gets defensive. I can see that she thinks her activity is private and your questions are an invasion. But she should understand the need to address a relationship issue and be less defensive.

I totally agree...I feel creepy doing this, I feel terrible and the fact that I can NEVER tell her what I DO know drives me crazy. There was a time in our relationship where as I told you, I never worried about how often we were having sex. At one point in our relationship I began working an overnight shift, this meant that I wasnt sleeping with her at the same time. I think that bothered her, she understood that I needed to work but I know she would have rather had me spending the night with her I remember that was when sex started to slow down. I was exhausted and I remember her complaining that we were only having sex a couple times a week. I got laid off and work was sporadic and life was stressful for a while, things in the bedroom were steady at 1-3X/week. I went back to school and she was carrying the financial burden for a while. I know that this was stressful for her, but she agreed to me going back to school and said that I supported her financially and otherwise while she finished up so it was only fair. Things just havent ever picked back up.
I dont think she see's an issue with the frequency of sex we are having. Sometimes if its been like a week or two since we have had sex, the moment I am inside her or the moment she has an orgasm she says "why dont we do this more often? Sometimes I forget how good it is!!"
This is SO confusing for me. She did recently purchase a lingerie piece and totally surprised me with it...which was AWESOME!! I am a very good communicator of my feelings and I constantly let her know how attractive I think she is and how much I love her. She is a runner so I am always rubbing her feet legs and thighs and anything else I can get my hands on. Not in a blatant sexual manner but certainly in hopes that when I caress her inner thigh I will excite her or create some type of opportunity.

[rcoreyus]

For a long time my wife almost never wanted sex (<1/month), but always seemed to enjoy it when we did. I think she masturbated regularly - but has always denied doing so. A couple of years ago we had a long talk and now our sex life is very good for both of us. She still can't tell me what was going on in her head all those years we didn't have much sex.

[Trixareforkids]

The masturbation and sex are different issues. Leave the masturbation alone because she's not going to talk about it until SHE's comfortable doing so and you'll know when that day comes because SHE'LL tell you
As for the less sex thing, it's probably never going to pick back up to previous levels. But they should be at a level you can comfortably live with and you'll need to decide what exactly that is, twice a month, once a week, whatever. Then you need to have a chat during a cuddle or massage session about how much you miss the intimacy of more regular sex and what exactly you miss about it, and if there are things you haven't yet tried that you'd like to. Just lay it all out on the line at a time you're both (or you believe you're both) feeling relaxed and loving. If it happens to be during a booty session be sure to tell her AS you're doing the things you want more of and tell her how it makes you feel (sad, lonely, confused, like a friend instead of a husband) when you aren't getting sex more often and then define that "often". At that point you've done all you could to make the talk non-combative and if you then ask in a nice way what she likes and what she misses you have the best chance of getting your answers and hopefully a more frequent and fulfilling sex life. It's ALL about the timing and the tone of the approach. Don't try to do it on a night she's rushing you out, and if you're thinking about her masturbating, try masturbating yourself while you do so to turn it into a sexy thing rather than a driving you to distraction thing. And later, if the moment seems right you can tell her that whenever you're home and you imagine she's masturbating that you can't help but do so too because the thought of her pleasure just gets you that worked up. If by chance she goes defensive again just shrug and say, sorry but it's true and drop it. It'll plant a good seed could grow into an olive branch.
Talking about issues with sex, especially when one is unhappy with the sex, either frequency or the acts themselves, is awkward and emotionally charged no matter how long you've been married so have patients with her and yourself. Good luck.

[mandrus]

The masturbation and sex are different issues. Leave the masturbation alone because she's not going to talk about it until SHE's comfortable doing so and you'll know when that day comes because SHE'LL tell you
As for the less sex thing, it's probably never going to pick back up to previous levels. But they should be at a level you can comfortably live with and you'll need to decide what exactly that is, twice a month, once a week, whatever. Then you need to have a chat during a cuddle or massage session about how much you miss the intimacy of more regular sex and what exactly you miss about it, and if there are things you haven't yet tried that you'd like to. Just lay it all out on the line at a time you're both (or you believe you're both) feeling relaxed and loving. If it happens to be during a booty session be sure to tell her AS you're doing the things you want more of and tell her how it makes you feel (sad, lonely, confused, like a friend instead of a husband) when you aren't getting sex more often and then define that "often". At that point you've done all you could to make the talk non-combative and if you then ask in a nice way what she likes and what she misses you have the best chance of getting your answers and hopefully a more frequent and fulfilling sex life. It's ALL about the timing and the tone of the approach. Don't try to do it on a night she's rushing you out, and if you're thinking about her masturbating, try masturbating yourself while you do so to turn it into a sexy thing rather than a driving you to distraction thing. And later, if the moment seems right you can tell her that whenever you're home and you imagine she's masturbating that you can't help but do so too because the thought of her pleasure just gets you that worked up. If by chance she goes defensive again just shrug and say, sorry but it's true and drop it. It'll plant a good seed could grow into an olive branch.
Talking about issues with sex, especially when one is unhappy with the sex, either frequency or the acts themselves, is awkward and emotionally charged no matter how long you've been married so have patients with her and yourself. Good luck.

Thank you, I think your post has a lot of great points and advice. As I think about this, I am really trying to develop an approach that is judgement free, based on fact rather than opinion, and centered around her. Something like "I feel like you and I used to be closer sexually, is there something I am doing to create distance? Is there something I can do to help get us back to where we were before?"
I dont think I have unrealistic expectations...twice a week would be great. I have communicated this, I just need to do it in a different context. I dont want it to come across as if she is letting me down, or she is in someway responsible for this.
Additionally I think that right now because this is all new to me I am feeling threatened by her vibrator, inadequate as a lover, and frustrated sexually.
I wish she knew how frustrating it is for me to live with someone that I am SOOO physically attracted to.
Thanks again.