First off, I'm a guy. I've been in a relationship with my first partner (at the age of 21) for over a year now. We get on well, she says that she loves me, that I'm the best lover she's ever had, the best looking guy she's seen in the flesh, and that I'm the only one who's ever given her an orgasm (even then with toys...).
Steadily, sex has been becoming less and less frequent. After she said (complained) that I never tried with her any more once, I made an effort to be lovely etc. and make the moves... I was met by fairly constant rejection, even after an awesome home cooked candlelit meal and a lovely evening. I came to realise that I had stopped initiating sex because I'd grown sick of being shot down. It's not like it really hurts my confidence or anything, but it's extremely frustrating if you put a lot of effort into pleasing someone, and wind up getting in the mood only to have a metaphysical foot stamp on your groin.
This said, we have what could at a pinch pass as a regular sex life - we have sex twice a week, sometimes less... (we live together) She's always too tired, or not feeling well, or whatever else.
At another time, she was complaining that I was being too forward, or blunt, or whatever, with her, and that she wished I could be more caring etc (which I DO try, just not really on that occasion). It was at this time that I decided to talk about it instead of shying away from the conversation as I usually would. I said that there was always a reason, or an excuse, which made her angry, but after I'd told her that I think it's her subconcious creating excuses, she acknowledged that it was a liklihood and that she was probably being unfairly resentful to me.
Now with her side of the story - (this I didn't find out till a few months ago) - when she was 17 she had an unwanted pregnancy and an abortion. She wont talk much about what she went through physically or mentally, but of all the time I've been with her we've been able to have sex without lubrication once. I didn't really think about it much, since she's my only (full) sexual partner - but basically it seems she doesn't really get wet enough by half. From what little she told me, she said that it was a semi-expected symptom of her procedure... which should apparently get better with time (which varies), and now it's been as long as they said it averagely took to recover. I'm sorry I can't be clearer about this, I really don't know the facts that well.
She cannot orgasm from penetration, much like many other women, and it takes about 40 minutes with a normal vibrator for me to get there clitorally. During sex recentlyish, I've been getting the niggling feeling that she just isn't enjoying it, and that it's just something that she does to live up to her end of the bargain, the deal of the relationship or whatever. She admitted that even the first time we (I) had sex, she was in pain, but that she wouldn't stop me and ruin it, which made me feel like **** to know. It seems that the pain from sex has been a lot more present than I'd thought, from a much earlier stage. Whenever we have sex she's hurrying me up, making me go faster when I don't want to, and even stopping me point blank from going down on her, or letting me work for a courtesy 3 minutes then pulling me back up again. I'd like to point out that I bend over backwards to accomodate her sexually. I bought her a Hitachi Magic Wand for christmas (gave early, btw), hoping that it would bring her joy, and whilst it seems to be able to bring on orgasms for her very fast, after she's used it she feels very tight, and it obviously hurts her, as opposed to other methods of orgasm for her, where she feels more internally relaxed and maybe even wetter.
Also, she isn't good at coping with stress, when she's stressed it snowballs and she can't get it out of her head, and stress makes for a lack of sexual desire, and an inability to enjoy it as she's not relaxed.
As to how this all has affected us, I've been watching porn and stuff, as our sex drives are massively disparate. This doesn't help her self confidence which isn't helping the issue as a whole, but my other option is cheating or lying to her, neither of which I'd like to do.
I don't really know what I expect any of you girls to tell me - she did have a psychosexual therapy session once, then her doctor quit after one session and didn't even give any feedback on the session or the tests he did. Then she stopped following that route. I've urged her to go back to it, but to get the first appointment took (dunno for sure) about a year of waiting lists.
Knowing all that I do now about what's going on, and having been sexually relatively unfulfilled for so long now, I can't really see a way that this is going to change. Basically, she doesn't want to have sex. When we do, it's probably just out of fear that I'll leave her if she doesn't. Armed with that knowledge, I don't even know how I could enjoy having sex with her. It makes me feel patronised and manipulated, and guilty for what I'm putting her through.
It seems my place in her life is basically sorting out all of her stress problems (I'm a great listner/advisor), calming her down, constantly "fixing" her mood, be it sadness, stress or whatever, cook her lovely food etc. She needs me, I think, to be able to function well. I find myself wondering what she does for me, which aspects of my character she fills and heals. I don't know. I know that I don't know what love is first hand. Now don't get me wrong. She's great company, we laugh, talk, and I like her a lot, share some interests etc, but at a guess I'd say I don't love her (which I'm fairly sure she knows).
She must want this relationship, as she game me some sort of ultimatum a few months ago, about something lame (basically I went to the park while she was upset, though it's not like she TOLD me she was upset) and I told her it was probably for the best if it was over. She came back that night practically grovelling to be with me "I'll do anything, etc" (it was a bit pathetic, in a way - horrible to say I know, but it wasn't very dignified).
Inadvertantly, it seems my sex post has become a bit of relationship post. Sorry
I'd love to hear some female perspectives on this (informed male opinions too), any words whatsoever, even if it's not a suggestion for a "fix".
Oh, and happy Christmas everyone!
Steadily, sex has been becoming less and less frequent. After she said (complained) that I never tried with her any more once, I made an effort to be lovely etc. and make the moves... I was met by fairly constant rejection, even after an awesome home cooked candlelit meal and a lovely evening. I came to realise that I had stopped initiating sex because I'd grown sick of being shot down. It's not like it really hurts my confidence or anything, but it's extremely frustrating if you put a lot of effort into pleasing someone, and wind up getting in the mood only to have a metaphysical foot stamp on your groin.
This said, we have what could at a pinch pass as a regular sex life - we have sex twice a week, sometimes less... (we live together) She's always too tired, or not feeling well, or whatever else.
At another time, she was complaining that I was being too forward, or blunt, or whatever, with her, and that she wished I could be more caring etc (which I DO try, just not really on that occasion). It was at this time that I decided to talk about it instead of shying away from the conversation as I usually would. I said that there was always a reason, or an excuse, which made her angry, but after I'd told her that I think it's her subconcious creating excuses, she acknowledged that it was a liklihood and that she was probably being unfairly resentful to me.
Now with her side of the story - (this I didn't find out till a few months ago) - when she was 17 she had an unwanted pregnancy and an abortion. She wont talk much about what she went through physically or mentally, but of all the time I've been with her we've been able to have sex without lubrication once. I didn't really think about it much, since she's my only (full) sexual partner - but basically it seems she doesn't really get wet enough by half. From what little she told me, she said that it was a semi-expected symptom of her procedure... which should apparently get better with time (which varies), and now it's been as long as they said it averagely took to recover. I'm sorry I can't be clearer about this, I really don't know the facts that well.
She cannot orgasm from penetration, much like many other women, and it takes about 40 minutes with a normal vibrator for me to get there clitorally. During sex recentlyish, I've been getting the niggling feeling that she just isn't enjoying it, and that it's just something that she does to live up to her end of the bargain, the deal of the relationship or whatever. She admitted that even the first time we (I) had sex, she was in pain, but that she wouldn't stop me and ruin it, which made me feel like **** to know. It seems that the pain from sex has been a lot more present than I'd thought, from a much earlier stage. Whenever we have sex she's hurrying me up, making me go faster when I don't want to, and even stopping me point blank from going down on her, or letting me work for a courtesy 3 minutes then pulling me back up again. I'd like to point out that I bend over backwards to accomodate her sexually. I bought her a Hitachi Magic Wand for christmas (gave early, btw), hoping that it would bring her joy, and whilst it seems to be able to bring on orgasms for her very fast, after she's used it she feels very tight, and it obviously hurts her, as opposed to other methods of orgasm for her, where she feels more internally relaxed and maybe even wetter.
Also, she isn't good at coping with stress, when she's stressed it snowballs and she can't get it out of her head, and stress makes for a lack of sexual desire, and an inability to enjoy it as she's not relaxed.
As to how this all has affected us, I've been watching porn and stuff, as our sex drives are massively disparate. This doesn't help her self confidence which isn't helping the issue as a whole, but my other option is cheating or lying to her, neither of which I'd like to do.
I don't really know what I expect any of you girls to tell me - she did have a psychosexual therapy session once, then her doctor quit after one session and didn't even give any feedback on the session or the tests he did. Then she stopped following that route. I've urged her to go back to it, but to get the first appointment took (dunno for sure) about a year of waiting lists.
Knowing all that I do now about what's going on, and having been sexually relatively unfulfilled for so long now, I can't really see a way that this is going to change. Basically, she doesn't want to have sex. When we do, it's probably just out of fear that I'll leave her if she doesn't. Armed with that knowledge, I don't even know how I could enjoy having sex with her. It makes me feel patronised and manipulated, and guilty for what I'm putting her through.
It seems my place in her life is basically sorting out all of her stress problems (I'm a great listner/advisor), calming her down, constantly "fixing" her mood, be it sadness, stress or whatever, cook her lovely food etc. She needs me, I think, to be able to function well. I find myself wondering what she does for me, which aspects of my character she fills and heals. I don't know. I know that I don't know what love is first hand. Now don't get me wrong. She's great company, we laugh, talk, and I like her a lot, share some interests etc, but at a guess I'd say I don't love her (which I'm fairly sure she knows).
She must want this relationship, as she game me some sort of ultimatum a few months ago, about something lame (basically I went to the park while she was upset, though it's not like she TOLD me she was upset) and I told her it was probably for the best if it was over. She came back that night practically grovelling to be with me "I'll do anything, etc" (it was a bit pathetic, in a way - horrible to say I know, but it wasn't very dignified).
Inadvertantly, it seems my sex post has become a bit of relationship post. Sorry
I'd love to hear some female perspectives on this (informed male opinions too), any words whatsoever, even if it's not a suggestion for a "fix".
Oh, and happy Christmas everyone!
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