[johndeerOrange83]

Hi, I am 31 yrs old and have been in a relationship for 12 yrs.. my question to all you women is why is it that when she thinks I have fallen asleep she goes at it with herself? I mean its all the time and we used to shower all the time together and now that has gone away and I've eased dropped and heard her getting off in the shower quit a few times! Anytime I have delicately approached and asked her she denies it. Even though I know for fact she is doing it. I only have a little bit of a problem with it because she rarely wants to have sex with me! Plz help!!

[johndeerOrange83]

Anybody? Plz help

[Baboy]

Give folks a chance john. Your post is barely an hour old. Some people, like me, will read these things and take awhile to think about it before posting a reply. Which would you prefer - a considered opinion or a hasty off-the-cuff reply?

I saw it when posted, but offhand, I have not much to contribute. Some of the women here and or guys who have dealt with this issue can perhaps help.

Also, did you try the site search feature? This is not the first time the issue you have raised has come up. Seems to me there was a similar thread not all that long ago.

And welcome to the forum, but show some patience.

[johndeerOrange83]

Thanks baboy, just new to this and need some input. Apologies for rushing lol

[effy2014]

The only thing you can do is communicate with your wife. Not about whether she is masterbating in secret . . . but about the real issue. You have noticed that intimacy in your relationship is suffering. You want to know if there are things that can be improved to remedy it. Women do not masterbate as a substitute for good sex.

[Euphoric]

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/sex/50654-my-wife-masturbating-when-she.html

Here is a link from a while back. You can find several threads by typing something like: "wife masturbating" in the advanced search bar.

There are issues that go beyond the surface, IMO. You should ask her why she rarely wants to have sex with you. She may avoid the discussion if she feels it will lead to an argument.

We have no idea what the dynamics of your relationship are. If you want feedback offering helpful suggestions, we need to know more than you are ease dropping and hear her getting freaky in the shower, yet turns you down.

Tell us about your relationship, aside from a 12 year relationship. Work schedules/hours/shifts - shift differentials can be tough. What about chore delegation? Known insecurities or past trauma? Quality time (not just bedroom time.) Common interests/or polar opposites? In other words, give us some history that helps us understand how this has evolved.

[Baboy]

Thanks baboy, just new to this and need some input. Apologies for rushing lol

And thank you for having the decency to show some contrition.

You see, now you have some replies from some of the wise ones here. It usually just takes time.

Euphoric raises a good point. The more detail you supply, the more detailed can be the responses. I wish I had something really intelligent to offer, but I don't. Sometimes it takes me awhile to reflect, just as applies to others. If I think I have something of value to say, I'll come back.

Good luck.

[jen1447]

Without anymore of the background that's been asked for, I'd just say off the top of my head the obvious - she's either not getting it right from you, or not getting enough from you. You have to resist the temptation to think of it like a man tho because that's not what she's thinking. Not getting it right could mean any number of things and could stem from emotional issues, dissatisfaction with you in some other area or in general, etc. Not enough is probably just not enough, but if you say she's not having much sex with you, it's probably the former.

Women have physical needs. She's trying to satisfy them without your involvement, so you have to figure out why that is.

Last thing - I hate to say this but there is another possibility, and that's that she masturbating while fantasizing about someone else. That could mean a flirty thing going on at work/away from home, etc., all the way up to an affair. She wouldn't want you involved in that sexually, and yet she'd want sexual release. Hopefully that's as far as it's gone if that's the case.

The solutions are all the same - communicate to find out why she's going solo. Don't 'prove' she's masturbating in the shower and think that'll solve anything, and don't scream any accusations at her like "you're having an affair!" or "you're masturbating in the shower!" That's get you nowhere.

[Motorguy]

Hi, I am 31 yrs old and have been in a relationship for 12 yrs.. my question to all you women is why is it that when she thinks I have fallen asleep she goes at it with herself? I mean its all the time and we used to shower all the time together and now that has gone away and I've eased dropped and heard her getting off in the shower quit a few times! Anytime I have delicately approached and asked her she denies it. Even though I know for fact she is doing it. I only have a little bit of a problem with it because she rarely wants to have sex with me! Plz help!!

Have you talk with your girl friend is it something she doesn't like you doing during sex. Only way you going to find out is just ask her why she needs to masturbate then have sex with you. Then sometimes means you not pleasuring her enough and she rather do it her self to have the orgasm instead that she have one for sure instead of maybe enjoying it with you. All I can say just be open and ask the question to your girl friend of why you have to only masturbate only so good luck in the feature.

[Anoop Nain]

Without anymore of the background that's been asked for, I'd just say off the top of my head the obvious - she's either not getting it right from you, or not getting enough from you. You have to resist the temptation to think of it like a man tho because that's not what she's thinking. Not getting it right could mean any number of things and could stem from emotional issues, dissatisfaction with you in some other area or in general, etc. Not enough is probably just not enough, but if you say she's not having much sex with you, it's probably the former.

Women have physical needs. She's trying to satisfy them without your involvement, so you have to figure out why that is.

Last thing - I hate to say this but there is another possibility, and that's that she masturbating while fantasizing about someone else. That could mean a flirty thing going on at work/away from home, etc., all the way up to an affair. She wouldn't want you involved in that sexually, and yet she'd want sexual release. Hopefully that's as far as it's gone if that's the case.

The solutions are all the same - communicate to find out why she's going solo. Don't 'prove' she's masturbating in the shower and think that'll solve anything, and don't scream any accusations at her like "you're having an affair!" or "you're masturbating in the shower!" That's get you nowhere.

I'm agree with jen.