[new_guy999]

Hey All,

I am 29 and my girlfriend is 25, we have been together for over a year and have been sexually active for most of it. I really love my girlfriend and would do anything for her which is why i am seeking your help!

We seem to have some issues when we have sex in regards to it hurting her after a few minutes, her not having an orgasm and no matter what i try we cant get past (i have given her 1 orgasm out of the few hundred + times we have had sex). I have been with quite a few partners and have never had an issue with this, in fact most partners i am with have multiple orgasms (really not trying to talk myself up here just illustrating that this isn't a general issue). My girlfriend says that no one has ever been able to make her orgasm, and that its only happened 3 times in her life twice being from her masturbating (rubbing herself) so i shouldn't worry because she still enjoys it ( i am the only person she has had an orgasm with through penetration). I know she does enjoy sex, she moans, starts breathing heavily and gets incredibly wet but no matter what i try i just cant seem to bring her to orgasm. The only time we did, we were drunk and in a hotel, and she told me she came because she wasn't thinking and stuck in her own head.

This brings me to my second problem and that's the pain. Generally the first time we have sex in the week its the same, she gets incredibly horny and wet and starts moaning and panting and it seems like she could cum, so i start to increase the speed and rub her clit and anything else i can think of to get her there but it never happens. After that, for the rest of the week sex seems to only last 5-10mins before it starts to hurt her and we have to stop without either of us cumming.

I just cant seem to find the balance between getting her close to orgasm (which seems to only happen through penetrating deep and long hard thrusts) and causing her pain through being too forceful, or penetrating too deep. I have thought perhaps a sex toy or something to stimulate her clitoris while we have sex so i don't have to go as deep but that didn't work either. I have tried getting her comfortable, and going down on her for about 30mins prior to sex, or foreplay through kissing and fingering. I have even tried anal but nothing works.

She keeps reassuring me telling me it doesn't bother her, but after a year, its starting to bother ME that i just cant make her orgasm, and it makes me worry that she isn't enjoying our sex life as much as i am, even though she says she is.

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Andy

[effy2014]

You will do anything for her? Stop making orgasms the goal of your sex life. Stop making her enjoyment a validation (or in this case a referendum) of your skill set. Make love to her for your mutual enjoyment. It might also help you to learn about her anatomy. Pounding her is not the answer.

First, most women (putting aside your studliness for a moment) do not vaginally orgasm. Statistics put it at anywhere between 40-75%. Most of her nerve endings are in her clitoris. While g-spot orgasms occur with regularity, it takes different positions to hit that spot consistently during intercourse. What you do before intercourse is going to determine her pleasure factor.

Second, as the alcohol induced orgasm evidenced, a woman who has become obsessed with orgasming because of her partner's need for validation find it far more difficult to orgasm. By the way, why do you think that the woman you love is lying to you? She says she is enjoying your sex life together but, because you seem to be all-knowing, you know that can't be true. If you want to please her, don't make sex all about you. It's about her, young man.

Third, foreplay IS sex. Rather than view kissing, touching and oral sex as a means to the end, think of them as an integral part of love making. Kiss her because you love her, not to "get her in the mood". Its not how long you go down on a woman, its HOW you go down on a woman. If you are attacking her clitoris in the hopes of an orgasm, its not the right way. Go down on her for your enjoyment. Love her scent and taste. Adjust and vary your technique based on her body's response. Cunilingus is not something you do once to see if it works. Its a commitment to her body and to your enjoyment.

Fourth, experiment. You can certainly introduce toys, etc. But do so in the context of love, not orgasm.

This may seem a bit harsh. It is meant to be. Re-read your post and think "Is this really about her pleasure or my frustration". Reorient your thinking and you will achieve your goal.

[DreamP346]

Everything effy said. The only thing I would add is why do you stop if intercourse gets too painful? There are lots of other things you can continue doing, especially things that can bring you to orgasm without penetration.

Another thing, stop comparing to past relationships. All women are different. Read some posts here. There is actually a thread going on about some people who actually enjoy giving BJs better than intercourse or even receiving oral. Each person has their own preferences. What worked for others doesn't mean it will work for all and it also doesn't mean everybody wants it to work for all. You can keep trying to get her to orgasm, but don't make it a constant priority.

[Baboy]

Everything effy and Dream said.

The one thing that struck me was your following comment:

Generally the first time we have sex in the week its the same, she gets incredibly horny and wet and starts moaning and panting and it seems like she could cum, so i start to increase the speed and rub her clit and anything else i can think of to get her there but it never happens.

Perhaps unlike you, I have not had legions of women in my bed, but there have been a few. What my limited experience has taught me, is that when a woman is getting incredibly horny and wet and starts moaning and panting and it seems like she could cum, it best to keep doing exactly what you are doing and let her come. Yes, sometimes increasing the tempo, the angle, whatever, will drive her over the edge, but when in doubt, leave those moves out. Just carry on doing what is so obviously working until she achieves orgasm. Oft times introducing even a small change will set her back.

[Euphoric]

Effy,

What you've posted above is exactly what I was saying in another thread. Nice way to sum things up!

[Something_Awesome]

That's deep stuff effy...

[effy2014]

Thanks E. I feel for Andy. In our youth, men take quite a bit of ego from sexual prowess. As we age, men finally get it . . . pleasure takes a lot of forms and placing total focus on a woman's orgasm takes away from all else and becomes incredibly counterproductive. We field questions from so many men who believe that they know what their woman wants regardless as to what the woman actually says she wants. Pity.

[effy2014]

Everything effy and Dream said.

The one thing that struck me was your following comment:



Perhaps unlike you, I have not had legions of women in my bed, but there have been a few. What my limited experience has taught me, is that when a woman is getting incredibly horny and wet and starts moaning and panting and it seems like she could cum, it best to keep doing exactly what you are doing and let her come. Yes, sometimes increasing the tempo, the angle, whatever, will drive her over the edge, but when in doubt, leave those moves out. Just carry on doing what is so obviously working until she achieves orgasm. Oft times introducing even a small change will set her back.

Great catch on that quote BB. What BB says is so true . . . when you intensify, you probably make her think "Oh no, he wants me to cum." Keep following the cues and do not get impatient.

Let me take a different tact. If Jen were replying to this post, she might agree with this . . . when you GF gets to that point, think about denying her the orgasm. Tease, slow down and rebuild. Your GF will forget about YOUR frustration and think about HER frustration. Build her back and enjoy the tease. By this point, she may beg to have her release and then you are in command.

[Claret]

Everything everybody has said plus +
My girlfriend says that no one has ever been able to make her orgasm, and that its only happened 3 times in her life twice being from her masturbating (rubbing herself) so i shouldn't worry because she still enjoys it ( i am the only person she has had an orgasm with through penetration). I know she does enjoy sex, she moans, starts breathing heavily and gets incredibly wet but no matter what i try i just cant seem to bring her to orgasm. The only time we did, we were drunk and in a hotel, and she told me she came because she wasn't thinking and stuck in her own head.

Why do you assume her orgasms are or are not because of you? You can hit all the right spots, use all the right words, touch in all the right places, and if she is not hard-wired to orgasm in that manner, it ain't gonna happen.

The best thing to do right now is to let her take the lead. Let her decide what really feels good and let her decide how long to do it.

Also, getting drunk isn't the best possible way to an orgasm - for either of you. Yes, a drink or two to relax and put you in the mood can work wonders but so can taking that drink or two time to have some conversation (unrelated to sex) for you to simply tell her how much she means to you, can also go a long way in relaxing her to the point where she is enjoying what is happening.

Trust me, if she has been close to orgasm many times but only orgasmed once or twice in her life, she knows what she is missing.

Chill out a bit, relax, focus on what makes her feel good (not what you think makes her feel good) and she'll get there.

[new_guy999]

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

Effy - thanks for the feedback (harsh no, *****y yes), i appreciate where your coming from but you have clearly misinterpreted some of what i said so let me clarify. No, i do not just pound away. When i said long hard thrusts, i am not talking about speed i am referring more to deep thrusts, i am not a rabbit trying to repopulate the species. In regards to my "studliness" i tried to be clear and say my reference to past sexual experiences was not trying to stroke my own ego, but rather illustrate to the people i am seeking help from, that it wasn't an issue that would normally occur. *Baboy - Legions.... really? clearly our definitions of "quite a few" are different.

I agree 100% that the one time its happened due to alcohol was more based around her being able to relax more and not get stuck in her own head thinking about it, but the alcohol also allowed us to go for longer without causing her pain. In fact, i have had open conversations with her around this, and have been supportive, and told her as long as she is happy so am i, should that mean i should stop trying to make her experience more enjoyable?. Effy your condescending attitude towards my post isn't very helpful. I do not assume she is lying to me, i do not claim to be all knowing (hence why i am coming here for advice), and im certainly not looking for personal validation. Also clearly as you apparently know me and my girlfriend personally and have obviously been present for our sexual encounters you are qualified to comment that i make our sex life all about me. I came here for advice so i can do my best to help her enjoy our sex life as much as i do.

I am aware that foreplay is sex, and i don't view kissing, touching and oral as a means to an end. In fact, i know she loves it when i go down on her, again, we are open about our sex lives and talk to each other, i know what she likes and doesn't like, positions, speed etc. She is fully aware that i love her scent and taste as i tell her quite frequently whenever i go down on her. Her body's response is always that of pleasure, and yes when i feel her breathing increase during oral or penetration, i do maintain exactly what i am doing which is where the pain comes in. We maintain it for as long as we can but generally the pain beats her climax so we have to stop what we are doing. And yes, i will often go down on her again afterwards however as Baboy said, often times when you introduce a change it sets her back, and the moment is somewhat lost, at that point she is sore so we generally stop and let her rest for a moment.

My final comment that seems to have stirred your animosity has also been misconstrued. She has told me that she really wants to orgasm, i know this for a fact. She hates the fact she cant and its something that worries her. As her partner and the person i love, i want to do everything i can to help her be happy. So yes, thats why it bothers me that i cant make her orgasm, it has nothing to do with my own ego, satisfaction or any other reason other than to make her happy.

Effy this may seem harsh, it was meant to be.