[muffin70]

well I don't know if this will work for your GF, but with my wife I love to stimulate her clit with my fingers, while sucking on her nipples and talking dirty to her.... that usually sends her into 'orgasmic overdrive'

[effy2014]

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

Effy - thanks for the feedback (harsh no, **********y yes), i appreciate where your coming from but you have clearly misinterpreted some of what i said so let me clarify. No, i do not just pound away. When i said long hard thrusts, i am not talking about speed i am referring more to deep thrusts, i am not a rabbit trying to repopulate the species. In regards to my "studliness" i tried to be clear and say my reference to past sexual experiences was not trying to stroke my own ego, but rather illustrate to the people i am seeking help from, that it wasn't an issue that would normally occur. **Baboy - Legions.... really? clearly our definitions of "quite a few" are different.

I agree 100% that the one time its happened due to alcohol was more based around her being able to relax more and not get stuck in her own head thinking about it, but the alcohol also allowed us to go for longer without causing her pain. In fact, i have had open conversations with her around this, and have been supportive, and told her as long as she is happy so am i, should that mean i should stop trying to make her experience more enjoyable?. Effy your condescending attitude towards my post isn't very helpful. I do not assume she is lying to me, i do not claim to be all knowing (hence why i am coming here for advice), and im certainly not looking for personal validation. Also clearly as you apparently know me and my girlfriend personally and have obviously been present for our sexual encounters you are qualified to comment that i make our sex life all about me. I came here for advice so i can do my best to help her enjoy our sex life as much as i do.

I am aware that foreplay is sex, and i don't view kissing, touching and oral as a means to an end. In fact, i know she loves it when i go down on her, again, we are open about our sex lives and talk to each other, i know what she likes and doesn't like, positions, speed etc. She is fully aware that i love her scent and taste as i tell her quite frequently whenever i go down on her. Her body's response is always that of pleasure, and yes when i feel her breathing increase during oral or penetration, i do maintain exactly what i am doing which is where the pain comes in. We maintain it for as long as we can but generally the pain beats her climax so we have to stop what we are doing. And yes, i will often go down on her again afterwards however as Baboy said, often times when you introduce a change it sets her back, and the moment is somewhat lost, at that point she is sore so we generally stop and let her rest for a moment.

My final comment that seems to have stirred your animosity has also been misconstrued. She has told me that she really wants to orgasm, i know this for a fact. She hates the fact she cant and its something that worries her. As her partner and the person i love, i want to do everything i can to help her be happy. So yes, thats why it bothers me that i cant make her orgasm, it has nothing to do with my own ego, satisfaction or any other reason other than to make her happy.

Effy this may seem harsh, it was meant to be.

Well, you certainly have things under control, so I defer to your expertise.

[Euphoric]

new_guy,

I think you've taken Effy's suggestions as a personal insult and it wasn't meant that way. In your original post:

[QUOTE] She keeps reassuring me telling me it doesn't bother her, but after a year, its starting to bother ME that i just cant make her orgasm, and it makes me worry that she isn't enjoying our sex life as much as i am, even though she says she is. /QUOTE]

This implies that this is a problem for you, not her. We we're discussing this same scenario in another thread. My position is this: I'm not gonna orgasm every time. If my partner put emphasis on making me have an orgasm, it's going to be counterproductive, which is what Effy was explaining. Orgasms are wonder, and the release is exhilarating but sometimes guys, not you specifically, think their partner needs to have an orgasm to enjoy sex. I can only speak for myself. Although I may not have an orgasm every time, that in no way means I'm not enjoying myself.

When i said long hard thrusts, i am not talking about speed i am referring more to deep thrusts, i am not a rabbit trying to repopulate the species.

I don't know how large you are, nor do I need to know. If, however, you are well endowed, thrusting deep can hit your gf's cervix and that does, indeed, cause pain.

Alcohol has a way of making us "numb and lose our inhibitions" to a degree. Because she was able to let go with a drink or too, maybe she has a mental block but is unaware. We don't know, all we can do is toss suggestions out there to see if somethings stands out for you as a possibility.

Your second post is where we learn the following:

[QUOTE] She has told me that she really wants to orgasm, i know this for a fact. She hates the fact she cant and its something that worries her. /QUOTE]

Your original post says:

[QUOTE] She keeps reassuring me telling me it doesn't bother her, but after a year, its starting to bother ME that i just cant make her orgasm, and it makes me worry that she isn't enjoying our sex life as much as i am, even though she says she is. /QUOTE]

I think maybe you assumed we knew more details than we did. You obviously are a caring lover or you wouldn't be here searching for suggestions. We want to help you, and Effy had good intentions. The information he shared was spot on from what you shared in your original post. In your second post, we learn a great deal more that may help us.


[QUOTE] In our youth, men take quite a bit of ego from sexual prowess. As we age, men finally get it . . . pleasure takes a lot of forms and placing total focus on a woman's orgasm takes away from all else and becomes incredibly counterproductive. /QUOTE]

I think this post is the culprit behind your angst for effy, but honestly, this wasn't a reflection on you, but on effy, himself.
The more information you share with us, the better our suggestion will be. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to help your girlfriend. For a lot of women, in order to orgasm, it's a state of mind, not something you are doing wrong. Yes, there are techniques you can adjust and communication is key. As long as both of you are focusing on making her orgasm, it probably won't happen. She needs to figure out if there are some inhibitions that are causing the block.

We will try to help you, but our feedback is only as good as the input We really are here to help.

[atskitty2]

Hello new_guy! Welcome to the forum, first post?

Has your gf talked to her obgyn about the pain? Are you unusually large or is she a smaller girl? Anatomy may play a part, but she should also discuss it with her doc.
She could have a low grade infection or something brewing to cause the discomfort. Does she lose her natural wetness during intercourse?

[Casiopea]

Lets rewind a little I think.
You genuinely want to improve the way she experiences sex together with you, and probably all together, I can see that far.
I want to ask you a bit about the way she is, her personality, what makes her feel thrilled (shinny eyes and quick expressions in her face) no in sex, but in her life.

I have a very close friend with whom I am also extremely close with her husband. My friend, she is a gorgeous, intelligent, exciting woman, very sexy in her personality, enjoys life in so many details, has truly a sensual side she brings to everything she does, including very abstract intellectual stuff. She is madly in love with her husband.
Yet for a long long time, sex and penetration were painful for her, and she went to many doctors, and nothing was wrong. Oddly enough, it got worse with time. It was so painful at one point, she could not even touch herself enough to reach orgasm by her own hand. In this period, she would tell me how much she missed orgasms, how horny she would get alone and with her H, but after some time she started dreading feeling horny because it could not be fulfilled in any way and she was getting really frustrated. However, she was happy to give oral sex and handjobs to him, the dread that her beloved was also feeling frustrated by her sexual situation was really bothering her. Yet she became over time, really good at "setting it aside" and referring to her new view of life that sex and orgasm was not so important after all. If it were not for the fact that I knew her well, really well, I would have believed her.

After years of a bit of psychotherapy, tons of gynos, a lot of acupuncture (apparently, this was what helped her the best she would say) and changing her diet while going through her PhD, she told me very happy that she did not feel so much pain anymore, she was able with a certain frequency to orgasm again by touching herself. She told me she realized that it had to start really slow, really soft and that she had to be stimulated by other stuff, and I dont mean toys, I mean her surroundings, music, intellectual stuff she loved, feeling really alive.

A couple of times, before and after that period, the 3 of us had had sex together. All good, all happy and consensual.
She asked me at this point were she was able to orgasm by herself (but penetration still was painful), if I would like to join her and her H in bed again, since I was single at the moment. I told her I worried that I would somehow interfere in the way they had created between each other to deal with such a long and difficult time in that aspect. She reassured me that they both very much would like to try to open that up a little, and as they really trusted me, if I would like, they would be so very glad.

So I sad yes, and went one day with both of them to buy groceries and veggies, got nice wine and the tree of us cooked a nice meal, and seduced each other. I know, it may sound here that I am talking about something totally different. But bear with me...
When they were kissing and touching I realized my friend's body language was happy and sensual and confident, and his was so sweet and sensual as well, those two really love each other. But as it went on, she started closing up in her expressions even though she was up there doing all very sensual warm ups. I worried to myself then, but thought about it and went and brought some fruits she likes, and played with her and her H... she relaxed slowly (it was ever so faint of a change, but it was there), I was a bit afraid of touching her and messing up; she realized and asked me and her H to have coitus, to which we did, this relaxed her so much and turned her on, she started touching herself and eating fruits until she came. Then she "got back in" and you could see the happiness in her face, I touched her and went down on her and she would show both of us how soft to touch her, she was in bliss. I would touch her labia ever so slowly, almost barely moving... he would carress her and kiss her and she was so into it... this took like 40 minutes. After a while, she took my fingers and put them inside of her, and almost instantly came. Her H was incredibly happy and horny. I was baffled and happy as well, it was like an incredible experiment, not really aroused but more marvelled.

After all this, they attempted penetration, she said she felt loose and "out side her head". It went so so that time, eventually she felt pain and stopped that. This is why I told you this personal story. Both me and her do very intellectual abstract stuff and we love it. I understand well the not being able to get out of your head, as it happens at certain periods often. After our little treesome experiment, she told me that she realized her initial problem was psychological mixed with body wise. She explained she came to realize that her problem started because in her mind, she wanted this intense penetrative sex, strong, long, crazy... she fantasized about it a lot and usually had sex like that. This was her mind sex. But her body did not really like it that much, but she ignored it, she was into her idea of what good sex was like and wanted.

At some point, her body kind of rejected the sex her mind wanted, and in her words "feared it", as factually she did feel some pain from the beginning. That was the point where it became unbearable, the pain. And all after that it became worse, because she craved it so much mentally, and her body would "close up more".
This is me paraphrasing her words, but that was how she explained the situation. After that, she could not get out of her head, both in the unpleasant anticipation of the pain, and in the fantasizing. And that got her stuck in a loop in such a way that she relied on other things to calm herself down and relax. She started painting and going for long walks, taking sensual enjoyment from beauty, sensorial stimuli and paying attention to her sensations at all times, bringing relaxing delightfull sensations to her mind and body, all ever so softly. Her hypothesis was that if she could get her mind and body relaxed over time (kind of like muscle memory) over and over, without feeling there had to be some sexual release or obligation, she would get to the point were she would be out of the loop.

And that is why she wanted me there: she wanted me to have strong sex with her husband while she softly stimulated herself. "Saving" the kept libido of him ffrom herself at one moment (along with his very strong need to make her come) and putting it onto me, seeing me enjoy it (that way she did not associate it to pain, but to pleasure... and yes, she would not stop staring at me during that). And then she wanted me to softly ever so softly, touch her.

Now, my friend was not in love with me or had some huge homoerotic fixation fantasy. She was afraid she could not make the different "ends" of sex meet, and in her words "needed help" for both her and him. It was a bit of a breaking a loop. Nor am I suggesting you have a 3some.

After that, they both learned much more about what her body actually wanted, not just what her mind told her she wanted. We have long conversations on this matter until now. And she has a very interesting hypothesis about why so many women to some level cut off from the sex, or get used to not being very satisfied, and make that satisfactory over time. As well as why men feel they have to go stronger and longer to make the brink off to her orgasm. Yet many times it does not work.

Your case does not sound so extreme as my friends' was. But I do think there is some "closing up" going on at the same time when she is aroused. That is the contradiction. Maybe you guys should try some really slow slow soft soft sex, for a long period. Drop the "I must make you come" vibe, and just take some sensual soft marathons, with things that she likes, tastes, odors, tones, textures, light, color, I dunno, that depends on what makes her feel good sensually. To get out of her head and just enjoy, no pressure, no expectations.
If you have tried all the tricks in the book, have good communication with your GF, understand her personality and what gets her flowing, not in bed, but about life all together, I think you should try something like that for a couple of months.

My friend was an extreme case, and she did not alcohol, no drugs not even coffee... but loved fresh fruit, and feathers. When she felt horny, she thought of heavy duty thrusting and all the stuff that has been made to be the stereotype of passionate sex, yet her body did not want that. I often wonder, how much of my sexuality is actually mine and how much I am just repeatedly told that it is sexy and therefore I should crave it and do it.

Best of journeys and have fun. I hope I did not bore you with my huge story.

[Lettice Dubois]

Hi Andy,

Your girlfriend sounds very similar to me in that she enjoys the sex, but finds it really hard to orgasm. Personally, I feel that you should persevere with toys. A really effective starting point would be to use a basic bullet vibrator and penetrate her from behind so that she has easy access to her clitoris. It will also allow her to relax if she has any hangups about you watching her facial expressions whilst she is trying to reach an orgasm. I know that this position is less personal, but once you get the hang of regularly orgasming like this, its so much easier to move on to other methods.


I really hope this helps,

Lettice