[Intheshade]

When I last posted, the plan was to see a sex therapist. Unfortunately, there isn't one in our area. We didn't like the idea of seeing a regular counselor who specializes in, let's say grief for example, and is willing to do sex therapy on the side despite not having experience in doing sex therapy out side of schooling.

We have talked about our issues more and I have learned a lot more about his past and how damaging it was. I get that. I get that I need to be patient and careful with him. The problem is figuring out how to get past his defensiveness and not damage his self worth. It always comes back to him taking what I am saying as he isn't good enough and the sex isn't good enough.
Almost every time we have sex it is exactly the same. He uses his hands to bring me to orgasm and then missionary position vaginal intercourse. We had a big break through the one time he asked me to give him a BJ, but that alone took a lot of work (of course he won't let me make him cum). that is the most extreme thing we have done and I really have to push for that and fight hard to get him to tell me if he liked it or not. One other time he asked me to touch him. I was shocked and it took a few seconds to sink in. Licking or kissing any where other than the mouth is out for him.

The moment I suggest any thing new though, he tells me that I am basically telling him that sex the isn't good enough. I have tried explaining to him that I love what we do, but prior to meeting him, I had fantasies and things I wanted to try, but not anyone worth trying those things with. I have tried explaining that different things produce different sensations and I would like to experience those things with him. I have told him there are 3 main reasons I want to try certain things.

1. Curiosity. I am curious, plain and simple, the idea appeals to me, but if one or both of us didn't like it that is fine. I have given him a list of things I would like to try and and told him to let me know if he is comfortable with trying any of them. (please keep in mind I am talking about even little things like kissing on the neck or thighs) There are a lot of things I am curious about but the idea of toys, feathers or blind fold scares the crap out of him. He has told me that using scarves to tie me up is completely out. He is too frightened to do oral sex on me.

2. Fantasy, that is just it, it is fantasy. I have told him there is no pressure there, but I would like to be able to share them with him with out him telling me how uncomfortable it makes him.

3. Need, I need to different angels of penetration. It's like an itch you can't reach on your own. I need to feel like I am able to please him.

Am I going about this wrong, should I just give up and accept that he isn't going to change(trying to change someone, that sounds really awful I know) ?

He just has so many distorted views on sex. He literally can not wrap his mind around the fact that a woman can enjoy sex. He thinks I am strange that I do, because "no woman does, that is why there are so many jokes about guys who who's wives won't have sex." I know this sounds awful but myself esteem is starting to take a hit by his refusal to allow me to do anything to please him. Rationally, I know it shouldn't but that feeling is there none the less.

[dyunysus]

I would leave him and find someone who wants to explore as much as you do. I married my wife and she was sort of the same way, only liking certain positions and did not want me going down on her. Unfortunetly for her or good for her really, I am more dominant in bed I don't ask what she would like I just do what I think she would like. After I gently restrained her hands and went down on her till she had an orgasm, now she always want me down there. Its alot easier now to get her to do new things. We have tried alot of things some she did not like and some she did, the big surprise for me was that she actually like anal play.

Yet, he's a guy and you can always find another guy who shares your desire.

[Intheshade]

I have no intention of leaving him. I love him more than anything and he treats me like a goddess. He is a good man, it is just that his previous marriage really screwed him up in the head when it came to sex. We are talking some serious mental and physical abuse when it came to sex.

More than anything I just needed a safe place to vent my frustration. I enjoy what we do very much, he always makes sure I am satisfied and the frequency is good, although I am the type who wouldn't complain over 3 times a day everyday, but that is a bit much to ask.

It just upsets me that if I suggest anything different he takes it as an insult instead of how i see it as wanting to share these experiences with him.

[Motorguy]

I have no intention of leaving him. I love him more than anything and he treats me like a goddess. He is a good man, it is just that his previous marriage really screwed him up in the head when it came to sex. We are talking some serious mental and physical abuse when it came to sex.

More than anything I just needed a safe place to vent my frustration. I enjoy what we do very much, he always makes sure I am satisfied and the frequency is good, although I am the type who wouldn't complain over 3 times a day everyday, but that is a bit much to ask.

It just upsets me that if I suggest anything different he takes it as an insult instead of how i see it as wanting to share these experiences with him.

Well Intheshade, every marriages are going to have issue. You seem to really love your husband there just one thing you are having issue with.I think you should be able to work this issue out with him. So maybe just having better communication with your husband should solve this issue. I know it easy said then done but if you wanting this to work just show husband, what it would be for him to do this for you the women he loves.

[Intheshade]

I just need to figure out how to have better communication with him. Every time I discuss sex he gets so defensive. I need to find another method because what I am doing isn't working.

I say, "I would mean a lot to me if we could do (insert just about anything)"

He hears and responds, I get it, our sex life is boring." or "I know, I am just no good at sex." I need a way to communicate to him and express my wants with out making him feel bad or defensive." I tell him all the time that I like what he is doing and try and give him positive reinforcement. So I need a better method of communicating.

[effy2014]

In my view, there are two issues going on, neither of which is focused on sex. He needs to emotionally overcome his prior relationships. The two of you need to be able to communicate about issues without him (or you) becoming defensive. Right now, the communication is about sex. In the coming years it will be about other things . . . there is nothing more damaging to a relationship when one partner has a problem and the other plays the "I'm a bad person" card (either knowingly or being conditioned in that way).

The two of you need a therapist that deals in marital issues. There are plenty out there. He needs a therapist that can help him through his emotional pain. A psychologist or PsyD would be better for him.

[jen1447]

Since you seem determined to stay in bad situation, I'll just make one suggestion to try to get him to do what you want. Don't be nice. It's rolling the dice but it's possible that he would respond better to just being told what to do, and its even possible you might trigger some arousal behavior in him that way.