[DreamP346]

Thank you for your reply! Very helpful information. So you're thinking maybe since we're apart that she is starting to have more of a sex drive? My problem is that I have had my own sex life (myself) since I have been with her. She has ALWAYS said she is not interested in sex. And the lights off, no kissing, no touching thing is tough too. That also has been the whole time that I have been with her.

I just want to make sure I understand this correctly. Your wife was never interested in sex, doesn't allow you to touch her, has to be sex with the lights off, etc. This was always the case but in the beginning, you were having sex 3-4 times a week and now it's 1-2 times per month. The quality of the sex has not changed, but the quantity has. Was the sex like this before the marriage also? You mention marital problems. Are they separate from the sexual issue or are they a manifestation of the sexual issues. I know sexual issues usually are a manifesto of other issues. But also sexual unhappiness fosters other problems as well. We need to understand a little more about your relationship.

How is the communication between your wife and you? I know she said she would tell you if you weren't doing something right, but will she tell you what she likes? Do you ask her what she likes? Does she orgasm with sex. Do you provide her pleasure, orally, manually, etc. Do you engage in any type of foreplay? Do you romance her? How about the household? Do you share in the household chores? If you are sitting watching the ball game while she is washing the dishing, it really builds resentment and you can't feel desire when you are feeling resentment. Do you compliment her? Have you noticed the last time she bought a new dress or got her hair done and did you tell her how it looked good? Do you give her a kiss as you leave or she leaves for work? Do you call/text her in the middle of the day just to say hi and I love you. Do you help out with the kids? When she says she is tired, do you offer to rub her feet?

Lots of questions. We will need a better picture of your relationship so we can understand what is going on.

[onefootout]

It appears to me that she may have reached the end of her rope and wants to see just how much and how willing you are to salvage your relationship/marriage. I suspect that if you put forth the effort to get counseling, she'll follow suit. I would urge you to give it a try if you want to make it work.

Speaking from experience here . . . When my DH and I had been married ten years, we separated. We had a serious communication problem, and I'd had enough. Filed for divorce. Up to that point, he didn't even realize there had been a serious problem--even though there were times when I begged him to just talk to me. I'd gotten to where I felt as if the only time he said anything to me at all was when he wanted to get me into the sack. When a woman gets to that point with her man, sex just ain't gonna happen.

After he saw I had no intention of coming back, he wooed me like there was no tomorrow. Believe me when I saw there is truth to there being a thin line between love and hate. He could have disappeared from the face of the earth for all I cared at that point. About three months into the separation, I realized he was serious about trying to make things work, but I had to get to the point where I was willing to start over. At the six-month mark, I moved back in with him. I figured I'd give it one more try and that if he screwed up again, I'd be gone for good.

Had he given me ANY guff during that time, I would have walked away--because I had gotten past the point of even caring. The way I figured it, if he didn't think enough of me to care, then I didn't want him anymore. Thankfully, he showed me he was willing to make an effort and we patched things up.

We've been married 37 years now. We are each other's best friends, and we have sex at least twice a week. ;-)

kdc, all I can say is wow. What a testimony. Thank you for sharing your story and your insight. That definitely gives me hope as well as a strong desire to give it all I have

[onefootout]

I can certainly see your point. She needs to make the same commitment to fixing the marriage. If she thinks that you need to see a psychiatrist because "all you can think of is sex", then she is not serious about saving the marriage. If there are other issues that concern her, you may have to do some internal assessment. Marriage is all about communication and a psychiatrist's office (and you really want to see a psychologist not a psychiatrist) is not the place to learn those skills.

I would take the approach I suggested in my earlier post. Secure a promise for marriage counseling sessions immediately after an individual session -- you need to know that she has some interest in saving the marriage. Who goes first is not a game worth playing if a marriage is at stake -- there are huge financial issues, emotional and child issues that have the potential to rip you two apart. I was in individual therapy (with a psychologist) for 18 months and learned a lot about myself; therapy can be highly beneficial. Get the promise and find a good therapist.

Thanks, I appreciate that. I actually ended up going to psychiatrist and putting my pride aside. It was actually very helpful for me as a person. So if this helps her to see that I am serious, great. If not, she's not that serious about it.

[kdc]

kdc, all I can say is wow. What a testimony. Thank you for sharing your story and your insight. That definitely gives me hope as well as a strong desire to give it all I have

You're welcome. Good luck, and please do let us know how it goes. We'll be rooting for you.

[onefootout]

I just want to make sure I understand this correctly. Your wife was never interested in sex, doesn't allow you to touch her, has to be sex with the lights off, etc. This was always the case but in the beginning, you were having sex 3-4 times a week and now it's 1-2 times per month. The quality of the sex has not changed, but the quantity has. Was the sex like this before the marriage also? You mention marital problems. Are they separate from the sexual issue or are they a manifestation of the sexual issues. I know sexual issues usually are a manifesto of other issues. But also sexual unhappiness fosters other problems as well. We need to understand a little more about your relationship.

How is the communication between your wife and you? I know she said she would tell you if you weren't doing something right, but will she tell you what she likes? Do you ask her what she likes? Does she orgasm with sex. Do you provide her pleasure, orally, manually, etc. Do you engage in any type of foreplay? Do you romance her? How about the household? Do you share in the household chores? If you are sitting watching the ball game while she is washing the dishing, it really builds resentment and you can't feel desire when you are feeling resentment. Do you compliment her? Have you noticed the last time she bought a new dress or got her hair done and did you tell her how it looked good? Do you give her a kiss as you leave or she leaves for work? Do you call/text her in the middle of the day just to say hi and I love you. Do you help out with the kids? When she says she is tired, do you offer to rub her feet?

Lots of questions. We will need a better picture of your relationship so we can understand what is going on.

Hello, thanks for your reply. Actually she will let me touch her, have oral sex with her, etc. She just doesn't want to touch me. Sometimes after oral she will just be like whew, ok I'm done. The sex has always been like this and most of the time I'm left with an alone type, unwanted feeling.
The marital problems on my end are a manifestation of my sexual frustrations and feeling like I'm not good enough. The marital problems on her end are from lack of communication. But I feel like I help her out and do my part. But she is a perfectionist and it physically drains me trying to be perfect. One little slip up on my part during the day and suddenly I have a dunce hat on in the corner. Sorry, you messed up today, no sex for you. That's just the way I feel.
I do compliment her. I love to give compliments and I am the romantic one. She doesn't take compliments very well which is strange. She doesn't like affection. She likes to cuddle and stuff like that but if it's like holding hands or kissing or anything like that, she doesn't want to have anything to do with. She's always been like that. I give her back rubs whenever she asks and she does like that. Hope this helps a little bit.

[onefootout]

You're welcome. Good luck, and please do let us know how it goes. We'll be rooting for you.

Thank you so much!

[DreamP346]

Hello, thanks for your reply. Actually she will let me touch her, have oral sex with her, etc. She just doesn't want to touch me. Sometimes after oral she will just be like whew, ok I'm done. The sex has always been like this and most of the time I'm left with an alone type, unwanted feeling.
The marital problems on my end are a manifestation of my sexual frustrations and feeling like I'm not good enough. The marital problems on her end are from lack of communication. But I feel like I help her out and do my part. But she is a perfectionist and it physically drains me trying to be perfect. One little slip up on my part during the day and suddenly I have a dunce hat on in the corner. Sorry, you messed up today, no sex for you. That's just the way I feel.
I do compliment her. I love to give compliments and I am the romantic one. She doesn't take compliments very well which is strange. She doesn't like affection. She likes to cuddle and stuff like that but if it's like holding hands or kissing or anything like that, she doesn't want to have anything to do with. She's always been like that. I give her back rubs whenever she asks and she does like that. Hope this helps a little bit.

OK. That helps. Sounds like your wife is selfish. She is only concerned about her own sexual needs and doesn't want to take care of yours. Sex is always on her terms (as often is with the spouse with the less libido). If you have always catered to her this way, then there really isn't a need for her to chance. Watching porn is a perfect example. She takes care of her sexual needs quickly and easily without even getting you involved.

How has the separation been? Is that making her think twice about her actions or is she pretty much the same?

[onefootout]

OK. That helps. Sounds like your wife is selfish. She is only concerned about her own sexual needs and doesn't want to take care of yours. Sex is always on her terms (as often is with the spouse with the less libido). If you have always catered to her this way, then there really isn't a need for her to chance. Watching porn is a perfect example. She takes care of her sexual needs quickly and easily without even getting you involved.

How has the separation been? Is that making her think twice about her actions or is she pretty much the same?

You are correct, she is very selfish. I don't like to point the finger because I am far from perfect, but that is definitely the case here. All I have heard through the separation is "You need to do this and then I'll do that" or "You're the one who got us in this situation and you need help." What bothers me the most about this whole thing is that for years I have believed she is not sexual when she clearly is. I find porn DVDs and then a dild that had never been used until now (assumption). I feel like I've discovered a new person and that kind of scares me. When I brought up the porn/masturbation she said "That's it, I want a divorce." So it's a subject that I cannot even bring up. I mean if we were having a healthy/passionate sex life it wouldn't bother me one bit that she takes care of herself or watches porn. That would actually be a turn on. But when she turns me down and then turns right around and takes care of herself it's very, very hurtful. Also, here is a case in point of what I am dealing with. She has never looked at me and made comments like if I'm in my boxers or something. But, we were going through a dry spell sexually and we were watching a show and her comment was "Oh, what I would do to him." Everybody looks, everybody lusts, it's human nature. I get it and I understand that. However, if she were making the same comments to me or showing the same interest, I would have just blown it off. All of this is very hard because there are people right now that I could move on with, but I keep holding on to my marriage all while thinking "What am I really holding on to?"

[kdc]

Thanks, I appreciate that. I actually ended up going to psychiatrist and putting my pride aside. It was actually very helpful for me as a person. So if this helps her to see that I am serious, great. If not, she's not that serious about it.

So you have already gone to the psychiatrist, as per her wishes. In that case, I would think joint counseling with a marriage counselor would not be too much to ask of her.

[onefootout]

So you have already gone to the psychiatrist, as per her wishes. In that case, I would think joint counseling with a marriage counselor would not be too much to ask of her.

Correct. I did what she wanted and we have already talked about marriage counseling. She knows I want to go, but my thought is to not even bring it up. If she really wants to go, she will bring it up. That's just my thought at this point.