[DreamP346]

I hate to say this, but based on what you have said so far, I really don't see any hope for this relationship. If she starts talking divorce over just talking about things, that is pretty bleak. It is clear that she has no intention of working on this relationship and a relationship cannot be salvaged by one party alone. Usually, I am a big advocate of exhausting all avenues before divorce when kids are involved, but in this case, I don't see any possibilities. You are just going to foster resentment and start fighting (if you already haven't) in front of the kids. They pick up on these things. It's not healthy for them either.

Sorry I don't have better advice. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[onefootout]

I hate to say this, but based on what you have said so far, I really don't see any hope for this relationship. If she starts talking divorce over just talking about things, that is pretty bleak. It is clear that she has no intention of working on this relationship and a relationship cannot be salvaged by one party alone. Usually, I am a big advocate of exhausting all avenues before divorce when kids are involved, but in this case, I don't see any possibilities. You are just going to foster resentment and start fighting (if you already haven't) in front of the kids. They pick up on these things. It's not healthy for them either.

Sorry I don't have better advice. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

I agree almost 100% with your comments. That's the feeling I have felt as well. But when she says "I do love you and I do want our marriage to work" (even with the tags on the end of "after you do this") that is what keeps me trying. My motive is not "Oh, I can't lose her woe is me I can't live without her", I am just not a quitter.

[kdc]

Correct. I did what she wanted and we have already talked about marriage counseling. She knows I want to go, but my thought is to not even bring it up. If she really wants to go, she will bring it up. That's just my thought at this point.

In that case, I'd sit her down and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. I'd pick up the phone and make the appointment with a marriage counselor while she's sitting right there with you. With the appointment set, she'll either go or she won't.

You say she thinks you only want sex. I really do understand that. I felt the same way when DH and I separated. He could talk to everyone else, but he didn't think it was necessary to talk to me.

I think this is the point where you need to sit her down at the kitchen table and pour out your heart to her. Tell her exactly how you feel and what you really want from the relationship. (And don't harp on the sex. The sex will come if she feels you really want the whole package.) Tell her you love her and want your marriage to work, too, but you both need outside help and guidance.

Decide what it is you really want. If you really want this woman, you need to keep talking. But I have to warn you that if she's truly on the verge of giving up, yes, you **are** going to feel like it's a one-way street and you're doing all or most of the work. Ask her what it is--exactly--that she wants. She'll likely say she wants communication. She wants to feel you want to talk to her--not just to get into her pants. Keep talking.

[onefootout]

In that case, I'd sit her down and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. I'd pick up the phone and make the appointment with a marriage counselor while she's sitting right there with you. With the appointment set, she'll either go or she won't.

You say she thinks you only want sex. I really do understand that. I felt the same way when DH and I separated. He could talk to everyone else, but he didn't think it was necessary to talk to me.

I think this is the point where you need to sit her down at the kitchen table and pour out your heart to her. Tell her exactly how you feel and what you really want from the relationship. (And don't harp on the sex. The sex will come if she feels you really want the whole package.) Tell her you love her and want your marriage to work, too, but you both need outside help and guidance.

Decide what it is you really want. If you really want this woman, you need to keep talking. But I have to warn you that if she's truly on the verge of giving up, yes, you ****are**** going to feel like it's a one-way street and you're doing all or most of the work. Ask her what it is--exactly--that she wants. She'll likely say she wants communication. She wants to feel you want to talk to her--not just to get into her pants. Keep talking.

Thanks for the reply. I made an appointment for marriage counseling about 1 week ago and I still haven't canceled the appointment even though she said she doesn't want to go. Not sure if I should just keep the appointment and go by myself?
That's a good idea about sitting down and pouring my heart out. Just sitting down and talking to her at this point seems like climbing a mountain. That's how exhausted I am. But I am going to take your advice and TRY to find it in me to have a heart to heart.

[effy2014]

Thanks, I appreciate that. I actually ended up going to psychiatrist and putting my pride aside. It was actually very helpful for me as a person. So if this helps her to see that I am serious, great. If not, she's not that serious about it.

I think you will enjoy the individual sessions if you want to work on yourself. I went into therapy with the realization (to borrow a despair.com quote) that "the only commonality in all of my dysfunctional relationships was me." One of the things I learned that the most important quality I needed in a woman was "a giving spirit". I thought all woman were givers and I had just picked the few who were not. The difference between being with a taker and being with a giver is nothing short of amazing.

Once the two of you are in marital therapy, I hope that both of you will learn to communicate and you can find out if she has just given up or if you are with the wrong woman for you. Best of luck.

[kdc]

Thanks for the reply. I made an appointment for marriage counseling about 1 week ago and I still haven't canceled the appointment even though she said she doesn't want to go. Not sure if I should just keep the appointment and go by myself?
That's a good idea about sitting down and pouring my heart out. Just sitting down and talking to her at this point seems like climbing a mountain. That's how exhausted I am. But I am going to take your advice and TRY to find it in me to have a heart to heart.

I would go ahead and go to the appointment and work on you. Hopefully, she'll change her mind and join you. If she doesn't, you can't make her. You're likely to get something useful out of it, even so.

Yes, it's exhausting. But one thing is for sure: You won't remedy the problem without talking. One way or another, you're going to have to find a way to communicate if you expect to make the relationship work. If you pour your heart out and nothing comes of it, you at least know you gave it your all.

[onefootout]

I think you will enjoy the individual sessions if you want to work on yourself. I went into therapy with the realization (to borrow a despair.com quote) that "the only commonality in all of my dysfunctional relationships was me." One of the things I learned that the most important quality I needed in a woman was "a giving spirit". I thought all woman were givers and I had just picked the few who were not. The difference between being with a taker and being with a giver is nothing short of amazing.

Once the two of you are in marital therapy, I hope that both of you will learn to communicate and you can find out if she has just given up or if you are with the wrong woman for you. Best of luck.

Good points, thank you.

[onefootout]

I would go ahead and go to the appointment and work on you. Hopefully, she'll change her mind and join you. If she doesn't, you can't make her. You're likely to get something useful out of it, even so.

Yes, it's exhausting. But one thing is for sure: You won't remedy the problem without talking. One way or another, you're going to have to find a way to communicate if you expect to make the relationship work. If you pour your heart out and nothing comes of it, you at least know you gave it your all.

I think that's good advice. I am going to lay it all out there and we'll see what happens….

[kdc]

I think that's good advice. I am going to lay it all out there and we'll see what happens….

If you do that, at least you will know you gave it your best shot and that you did what you could.

[onefootout]

If you do that, at least you will know you gave it your best shot and that you did what you could.

Yes. When your husband started to get your attention again and the love came back for you, did he do it by way of tough love? I read a post somewhere on here where someone was saying to STOP catering to her needs, STOP supporting her financially and basically just play hard to get. So did he act that way or did he show sincerity and love and staying true to his promises? Did you ever tell him that you loved him but just not in love with him anymore? That's what my wife has recently told me.