[onefootout]

Hello, so I have read numerous posts on here pertaining to wives not wanting to have sex, but I couldn't find anything specific to my scenario.
I have been married for 7 years. I have a 3 yr old and a 5 year old. Just like any relationship, the sex was regular (3-4x's a week). Now, maybe 1-2 times per month. Here's the real kicker. When it does happen, she wants all of the lights off, she will not touch me and she does not like to kiss. Now, I could see that if I were overweight, butt ugly, halitosis, etc. BUT, I am very good looking, very muscular, athlete, confidence in myself. So, I have never had problems getting a girl that I wanted. Just painting the picture, not trying to be arrogant. I've asked her if there has been anything in her past that would cause her to want the room dark, but she said nothing has ever happened to her. So I have no other reason not to believe her.
I haven't been with as many people as she has and no matter how good I feel that I am in bed (as every man does, lol) it always enters my mind that since she has had so many partners, maybe SHE thinks I'm not good enough. I've asked her that before and her response is "If you were doing something I didn't like, I would tell you."
She told me when we were dating that she loves sex. We even bought toys and what not. Fast forwarding to now, her excuse when I try to have sex with her is either that she is tired or she just doesn't really like sex.
We have been separated for 6 months and I just found out that she has been watching porn and it goes without saying that she's masturbating. That was very hurtful since I viewed her as someone who doesn't like sex when clearly she does. I had tried to have sex with her the night before and she turned me down and then watches porn the very next day. I DON"T EVEN WATCH PORN!!
We were going to go to marriage counseling, but she says I need to see a Psych because of my "sexual issues" first. Wow, sorry but I am a guy and if I am not getting sex, it's going to make me want it even more. I'm the type of guy who will never let a woman run his life…I think that's just being for lack of a better word, a sissy. So her saying that I need to go get help is rather comical.
Anyway, I am trying to figure out if this is even worth working out or just calling it quits and moving on. I know the whole time we have been together, I have desired other people because of the lack of affection/intimacy. I feel and have felt VERY alone and unwanted.
Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated. One foot out the door and trying to make the right decision.

[Stillness]

What issues does she believe you to have? I don't understand why you changed your mind about seeing the counselor together.

[effy2014]

The posts go both ways -- women do post more about the no sex/lots of porn connection, but lots of men post about poor sex lives.

The truth, as I see it of course, is that the lack of sex in a marriage has very little to do with skill level, handsomeness, bad breath or athletic talents. I assume that you are roughly the same guy that she married, had two kids with and had sex with 3-4 times a week. So, it has very little to do with prior partners.

It's the relationship. When relationships are broken, sex is the first thing to suffer (usually for women first). I assume that the two of you are separated because of issues within the relationship, not simply that she won't have sex with you. Your comment that "I'm the type of guy who will never let a woman run his life…I think that's just being for lack of a better word, a sissy. So her saying that I need to go get help is rather comical" is probably a good place to start. If a woman does not feel respected or listened to, sex will be the last thing on her mind.

If you want to save the marriage, get into marriage counseling. Tell her that, if the marriage counselor believes that you need individual therapy, that you would consider going. But, you need to understand the marital issues that divide you first. It is "normal" that intimacy would be a significant issue for men . . . a man's emotional connection in a relationship is often expressed physically. But there are far deeper issues that need to be dealt with.

[onefootout]

She feels that all I think about is sex, nothing deeper than that. She just says she's not as sexual as I am and her comment usually is "I've never had a guy try to have sex with me as much as you." I try maybe twice a week. I didn't change my mind about seeing the counselor. She said for me to go to a psychiatrist and THEN she would go to marriage counseling. But marriage counseling needs to happen as well. I shouldn't be the only one taking the right steps.

[onefootout]

effy2014, thank you for your reply. You helped address some of the questions that I was having difficulty dealing with so thank you for that. Yes, we are separated because of issues much deeper than just sex. Regarding my comment, it's hard to respect a woman who tries to run your life and tell you what to do. This should be a mutual decision to go to counseling. I'm not sitting here putting ultimatums on her. She's saying, YOU do this and THEN I'll participate in helping save the marriage. That's hard to sit there and take. That's why I made my comment that sounds rather harsh.

[Magnetism]

One foot-I was in your wife's situation years ago. I was preferring porn and masturbation to my boyfriend at the time. My partner then was handsome , tall, smart, committed, attentive, and looked perfect on paper. But , we had some communication problems. He became micromanaging and smothering. When I expressed how I felt, he didn't listen. So, I think I started to get turned off. I felt unheard and misunderstood. Our sex life was fine, before those problems were happening. Once we got into arguments, I just wasn't in the mood. When him and I broke up, my sex drive interestingly became much higher.

[onefootout]

One foot-I was in your wife's situation years ago. I was preferring porn and masturbation to my boyfriend at the time. My partner then was handsome , tall, smart, committed, attentive, and looked perfect on paper. But , we had some communication problems. He became micromanaging and smothering. When I expressed how I felt, he didn't listen. So, I think I started to get turned off. I felt unheard and misunderstood. Our sex life was fine, before those problems were happening. Once we got into arguments, I just wasn't in the mood. When him and I broke up, my sex drive interestingly became much higher.

Thank you for your reply! Very helpful information. So you're thinking maybe since we're apart that she is starting to have more of a sex drive? My problem is that I have had my own sex life (myself) since I have been with her. She has ALWAYS said she is not interested in sex. And the lights off, no kissing, no touching thing is tough too. That also has been the whole time that I have been with her.

[onefootout]

Thank you for your reply! Very helpful information. So you're thinking maybe since we're apart that she is starting to have more of a sex drive? My problem is that I have had my own sex life (myself) since I have been with her. She has ALWAYS said she is not interested in sex. And the lights off, no kissing, no touching thing is tough too. That also has been the whole time that I have been with her.

Also, did the porn and masturbation make you desire finding sex with someone else or was it more of a self-gratification type thing?

[kdc]

She feels that all I think about is sex, nothing deeper than that. She just says she's not as sexual as I am and her comment usually is "I've never had a guy try to have sex with me as much as you." I try maybe twice a week. I didn't change my mind about seeing the counselor. She said for me to go to a psychiatrist and THEN she would go to marriage counseling. But marriage counseling needs to happen as well. I shouldn't be the only one taking the right steps.

It appears to me that she may have reached the end of her rope and wants to see just how much and how willing you are to salvage your relationship/marriage. I suspect that if you put forth the effort to get counseling, she'll follow suit. I would urge you to give it a try if you want to make it work.

Speaking from experience here . . . When my DH and I had been married ten years, we separated. We had a serious communication problem, and I'd had enough. Filed for divorce. Up to that point, he didn't even realize there had been a serious problem--even though there were times when I begged him to just talk to me. I'd gotten to where I felt as if the only time he said anything to me at all was when he wanted to get me into the sack. When a woman gets to that point with her man, sex just ain't gonna happen.

After he saw I had no intention of coming back, he wooed me like there was no tomorrow. Believe me when I saw there is truth to there being a thin line between love and hate. He could have disappeared from the face of the earth for all I cared at that point. About three months into the separation, I realized he was serious about trying to make things work, but I had to get to the point where I was willing to start over. At the six-month mark, I moved back in with him. I figured I'd give it one more try and that if he screwed up again, I'd be gone for good.

Had he given me ANY guff during that time, I would have walked away--because I had gotten past the point of even caring. The way I figured it, if he didn't think enough of me to care, then I didn't want him anymore. Thankfully, he showed me he was willing to make an effort and we patched things up.

We've been married 37 years now. We are each other's best friends, and we have sex at least twice a week. ;-)

[effy2014]

She feels that all I think about is sex, nothing deeper than that. She just says she's not as sexual as I am and her comment usually is "I've never had a guy try to have sex with me as much as you." I try maybe twice a week. I didn't change my mind about seeing the counselor. She said for me to go to a psychiatrist and THEN she would go to marriage counseling. But marriage counseling needs to happen as well. I shouldn't be the only one taking the right steps.

I can certainly see your point. She needs to make the same commitment to fixing the marriage. If she thinks that you need to see a psychiatrist because "all you can think of is sex", then she is not serious about saving the marriage. If there are other issues that concern her, you may have to do some internal assessment. Marriage is all about communication and a psychiatrist's office (and you really want to see a psychologist not a psychiatrist) is not the place to learn those skills.

I would take the approach I suggested in my earlier post. Secure a promise for marriage counseling sessions immediately after an individual session -- you need to know that she has some interest in saving the marriage. Who goes first is not a game worth playing if a marriage is at stake -- there are huge financial issues, emotional and child issues that have the potential to rip you two apart. I was in individual therapy (with a psychologist) for 18 months and learned a lot about myself; therapy can be highly beneficial. Get the promise and find a good therapist.