[kdc]

Yes. When your husband started to get your attention again and the love came back for you, did he do it by way of tough love? I read a post somewhere on here where someone was saying to STOP catering to her needs, STOP supporting her financially and basically just play hard to get. So did he act that way or did he show sincerity and love and staying true to his promises? Did you ever tell him that you loved him but just not in love with him anymore? That's what my wife has recently told me.

No, "tough love" would have shut the door for him completely with me. In my case, I had gotten to the point to where I couldn't stand to even look at him. I had become a Christian the year before, but I told God I couldn't do it anymore and I filed for divorce. DH still kept courting me through all that, though. A few weeks after I filed for divorce, I felt like the Lord was telling me to, "Just wait." Little by little, I began to soften toward DH. I could see he was really trying and really wanted to work things out. It was a slow process. Took a good six months before I was willing to move back in and give it another try. I wouldn't take a million bucks for him now. I truly and dearly love him.

You need to think twice before cutting off your wife's support--especially since you have two little kids. Be careful and weigh the advice you receive from different sources. This is your life and that of your family's at stake.

[onefootout]

No, "tough love" would have shut the door for him completely with me. In my case, I had gotten to the point to where I couldn't stand to even look at him. I had become a Christian the year before, but I told God I couldn't do it anymore and I filed for divorce. DH still kept courting me through all that, though. A few weeks after I filed for divorce, I felt like the Lord was telling me to, "Just wait." Little by little, I began to soften toward DH. I could see he was really trying and really wanted to work things out. It was a slow process. Took a good six months before I was willing to move back in and give it another try. I wouldn't take a million bucks for him now. I truly and dearly love him.

You need to think twice before cutting off your wife's support--especially since you have two little kids. Be careful and weigh the advice you receive from different sources. This is your life and that of your family's at stake.

That's kind of what I was figuring you would say. I have done exactly the opposite of cutting her support off. I have been paying some of her bills and just had a major payment I had to make for her yesterday which put me in the negative. But she didn't seem grateful at all.

[kdc]

That's kind of what I was figuring you would say. I have done exactly the opposite of cutting her support off. I have been paying some of her bills and just had a major payment I had to make for her yesterday which put me in the negative. But she didn't seem grateful at all.

Yeah, you're in a tough place, financially. I'm certainly not saying you should let her take advantage of your finances; but I definitely wouldn't advise cutting her off, especially with those little kids. I really think a good marriage counselor can help you sort things out. It's important to have an unbiased third-party (referee). ;-)

[JonDoe]

The lights off requirement is most likely more about her than you. That is it says a lot about how she perceives herself, regardless of how you or others perceive her. We are constantly bombarded with images of "perfect" women in advertising, and this can mess with beautiful woman too.

No kissing during sex has me baffled too. My wife was the same way, kissing was not something she was into, before, during or after sex, and it annoyed her if I tried to kiss her for more than a few brief seconds. I don't understand, and unfortunately she wasn't willing or able to help me understand either. My wife wouldn't even let me perform oral on her for the first 10 years of our relationship, and giving me oral for longer than 30 seconds took her much longer to accept. Mental blocks are nearly unbreakable for people who are unwilling to use the matter between their ears.

The frequency of sex usually, but not always, diminishes in long-term committed relationships. Kids, chores, commitments, work, stress, body image, and routine sex are her Kryptonite. It is up to both of you to figure out ways to improve this for the sake of the relationship and your happiness. Get out of the routine and spice things up. Take a 7 or 30 day sex challenge, buy a new sex toy, buy a naughty movie or erotic book. Explore new ways to bring pleasure to the biggest sex organ, the mind.

[onefootout]

The lights off requirement is most likely more about her than you. That is it says a lot about how she perceives herself, regardless of how you or others perceive her. We are constantly bombarded with images of "perfect" women in advertising, and this can mess with beautiful woman too.

No kissing during sex has me baffled too. My wife was the same way, kissing was not something she was into, before, during or after sex, and it annoyed her if I tried to kiss her for more than a few brief seconds. I don't understand, and unfortunately she wasn't willing or able to help me understand either. My wife wouldn't even let me perform oral on her for the first 10 years of our relationship, and giving me oral for longer than 30 seconds took her much longer to accept. Mental blocks are nearly unbreakable for people who are unwilling to use the matter between their ears.

The frequency of sex usually, but not always, diminishes in long-term committed relationships. Kids, chores, commitments, work, stress, body image, and routine sex are her Kryptonite. It is up to both of you to figure out ways to improve this for the sake of the relationship and your happiness. Get out of the routine and spice things up. Take a 7 or 30 day sex challenge, buy a new sex toy, buy a naughty movie or erotic book. Explore new ways to bring pleasure to the biggest sex organ, the mind.

Thanks for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to write. This question is for you or anybody else out there who would be willing to give their thought on the subject.
Not sure if I posted this but my wife said "I love you but I'm not in love with you", but then she said "I do want our marriage to work and I'm hoping I can get back to where I was early on in the relationship." I"m wrestling with the not in love with you comment probably more than I should be but everywhere I read regarding a comment like that states that usually means there is someone else. Anybody care to comment?

[kdc]

. . . Not sure if I posted this but my wife said "I love you but I'm not in love with you", but then she said "I do want our marriage to work and I'm hoping I can get back to where I was early on in the relationship." I"m wrestling with the not in love with you comment probably more than I should be but everywhere I read regarding a comment like that states that usually means there is someone else. Anybody care to comment?

I don't think you can read into that that your wife has someone else. You can't go by what everybody else says about their situations because each situation is different. It could just mean that's she's just disenchanted with you right now. Until you **know** there's someone else, you probably shouldn't give that any thought.

Talk to her. Only she can tell you what's inside her head.

[DreamP346]

I"m wrestling with the not in love with you comment probably more than I should be but everywhere I read regarding a comment like that states that usually means there is someone else. Anybody care to comment?

I would be concerned as well, but that doesn't mean there is somebody else. Not saying there isn't, but that statement does not lead to that conclusion. However, not being IN love is rather concerning. She sees you more of a friend/room-mate than a lover. I can see why it's easy not to have sexual desires for somebody like that. As others have said, sex is usually a symptom of something else in the relationship and I think that something else is this statement. She can't desire you if she thinks of you as a roommate.

Sorry, once again I don't have any solutions, but I think this is an area that definitely needs work on.

[effy2014]

Not sure if I posted this but my wife said "I love you but I'm not in love with you", but then she said "I do want our marriage to work and I'm hoping I can get back to where I was early on in the relationship." I"m wrestling with the not in love with you comment probably more than I should be but everywhere I read regarding a comment like that states that usually means there is someone else. Anybody care to comment?

I hate that line with a passion. As if love can be broken down to some component parts. What it really means is that she has lost passion for you. It does not mean that she has someone else. Unfortunately, it gets back to the first post. Is it possible to fix the relationship in order to reignite the passion. If you want a good read, "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson has some very good insight on these issues. My SO and I use it as a bible for our relationship.