[brit89]

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We are expecting a baby in March, and other than this one issue, we are as happy as can be. He is a WONDERFUL boyfriend, but he has a porn addiction. He has admitted that he believes he is addicted to it. However, I honestly feel like the real problem lies within myself. Here is why. Our sex life is great! He doesn't lose his attraction to me at all. In fact, I think the porn has made him a better lover in some ways. The problem is not the lack of sex, it is the lack of respect and trust. I have told him time and time again that I do not like when he watches porn. He promised to stop watching, and of course, he doesn't stop. I feel like I shouldn't care that he watches it, and so much of me wants to not care, but my jealousy issues are so deep-seeded that I can't stand the idea of him looking at another woman naked. I know, that's crazy!! Here's where it gets really pathetic. And before I put this out there, I want to make it clear that I know how hypocritical and wrong this is. I LOVE porn. Personally, I get very turned on by it, and even will masturbate to it when I'm alone. What is wrong with me? Why does it bother me so much that he watches it, but I secretly love to watch it? How do I tell him that I want to watch it with him? And most importantly, how do I get over the idea of him watching it, in general. I want him to be happy and do the things he likes. Deep down inside, I know it is harmless, I just can't get over the jealousy aspect. Please someone help me!!! I'm so sick of carrying this weight around. To some, this may seem trivial, but to me it's a crippling worry that I live with every day.

[effy2014]

This is not a trivial issue and I understand that it can drive a wedge between the two of you.

First, the contradictory feelings you describe are perfectly normal. You know how porn makes you feel -- it raises your libido and can help give you that sexual release. But you know your feelings. You do not use porn as a replacement for sex. You don't want any of those actors as a replacement for your boyfriend. You know the difference between porn as a genre of film and reality. In other words, you are a normal sane human being.

However, you have been conditioned to believe that men are not. You might not wish your boyfriend were one of those monstrously hung beefy actors, but you are sure that he wishes you were one of those gorgeous ****ty actresses. In your mind, he is watching and comparing . . . and, due to your insecurities, you are coming up on the short end of the stick. Even though you love him and know that he is a normal sane human being, you cannot believe that he can handle porn the way that you can.

Do you react this way if he sees a beautiful woman on the street? What about if he sees an old girlfriend? The jealousy issue is yours, not his. Frankly, the you are exhibiting a complete lack of faith and trust in your boyfriend's feelings about you. This is one that the two of you need to communicate about and resolve. Share with him your fears and contradictory feelings. Build the trust that will allow both him and you to enjoy an active sex life, some porn watching and no jealousy.

As for the trust issue with his porn watching, that is something that you have artificially created. You don't like something he does therefore: (1) you have the right to demand that he stop (as if he were your child); and (2) if he doesn't stop then he does not love you and you cannot trust him. Assume that he demanded you stop watching your favorite TV show or listen to your favorite artist because he didn't like it. Is that really a trust issue if you listened when he wasn't around? Does he have the right to make such a demand? You may feel on safer ground because it is porn, but you lost any morality argument when you admitted that you watched and enjoyed it. So much for the moral police.

The only way to remove this weight is to go all in with your boyfriend and share the feelings you have in your post. Your relationship will be stronger for it.

[jilljames8184]

You sound like you are angry at yourself for liking porn and taking it out on him. Talk to each other. Watch it together and remember it is fiction not reality!