[Lexhill]

Hi.

I am new here but came over this forum after searching for ways to improve things between me and my wife.

Our non sexual relationship is good after what I feel and she says the same, when I have asked her. The sexual on the other side is not from my view(She does not wan't to talk about it). I would like to see if there are tips or things I can try to apply to my situation.

The thing is I have a lot higher sexual need than my wife, and always have had. This is ok, I accept differences. But her sexual drive have been declining since the real world (after her education) started for us. But after we got married it really went downhill I felt. I have tried to talk to er several times both in a direct way and indirect. It's not that we never have sex and we have gotten beautiful kids after this. As the youngest is only 6 weeks I do not force sex but since it has been little the last 3 years, I am now struggling from day to day to focus on any aspect of my life, because I am sexually frustrated.

I am trying to find ways to handle this. My latest try was to ask my SO if she wanted a private show (Me masturbating in front of her). I had read online that many girls enjoy this. She was a little hesitant at first as she felt it a bit weird, but after she had gotten the show, I asked if she liked it and she said yes. For me this was a real turn on. A way for me to feel like she was participating in some sense, instead of hiding out to masturbate and feeling guilty. A couple of days later I did it again and I felt she was annoyed. After this I have not done it again, and are afraid to ask her what she feels about the situation is. This because of my fear for rejection.

I got more satisfied by doing it in bed with her, I was able enjoy it more when I watched her. And knew it might turn her on a little. It kinda stimulated me to be more focused for a longer time then hiding in the bathroom. It's not a substitute for her, but a supplement. I would love for her to join in.

I feel she is annoyed every time I bring up sex, when it's basically the only thing I can think of. What can I do? And what can she be thinking?

In every day life I help out with everything I can. From cleaning, cooking, kids and other daily activities.

[LilahX]

I totally understand your frustration. As much as women don't want to believe it, sex is an extremely important part of life for men and the desire/drive for it is immense. BUT your wife has small child/children(?) and you have to understand that this can very often change a woman's perspe . Her children are her priority, she's probably tired and feeling as far from sexy as she can get. It's hard to turn off your 'mother' brain and think of yourself as a sexual being. for a woman (and especially a busy mother) is to have help with the kids and the house, to acknowledge what she's doing and how hard she's working. Run her a bubble bath (just for her), tell her to have some time for herself. Pamper her. It might work wonders. Make it about her wanting to feel sexy again, not about how much you need sex.

You're not the only one with this issue. All parents of young children go through this to varying degrees. You're just going to have to put your desires on hold sometimes, be a real man and 'suck it up' for a while. Sex is hugely important, but it's not the only thing. Maintain intimacy by trying to have some 'us' time that doesn't involve sex. Make her feel wanted as a woman, not just as a sexual partner. As someone you enjoy talking to, laughing with, or just sitting quietyly with.

Good luck.

[Lexhill]

thanks for answer, I have gotten a few helpful ideas from other threads. But this is helpful as well. I know that women after a birth often feels less or not sexy at all, but feels motherly. She is a wonderful mother and still sexy. She even got a really good compliment from a doctor. Referring to a female blogger that posted a picture of her self in underwear a few days after birth that was fit and sexy. In that way referring that my wife is sexy and was quickly back to nearly normal shape.

I have also tried to tell her more than once that I still thinks she's hot. Actually more sexy then ever, she and I have been lucky that way. I have taken out our newborn several times after bed time for our 2 years old for a 2-3 hour walk for my wife to get some alone/relaxation time (our 2 year old sleeps very well at night). I do all the diaper changing at night. she only has to feed the baby in our bed. Generally I am helping out quite a bit, she tells me herself from talking to other mothers that she is lucky to have me. I know there are guys who probably does even more than me. But I think from talking to others that I might be in the upper level for helping out.

That aside I see that I might still be selfish and considerate to expect any kind of sexual relationship this shortly after birth. The reason for this post was my own sexual frustration that started a long time ago, but has kinda exploded in a sense. Leaving me almost horny pretty much all the time. The other night I was extremely tired after a day of work, helping and renovating our house. I even got a little ill from over exhaustion, still I was horny. I still am thought I am getting better and better at handling it after trying to see it in a new perspective. That is where this site have helped me a lot already.

So I am trying my best to be there for her and keep my sexual frustration to my self. And just do my thing when she does not notice it. I told her I am sorry for nagging on this sexual thing and said I would do my best to stop it, and asked for just a little patience with me. She seemed to take that OK enough.

Other than that I would love to be able to give her this pampering bath. The problem is that we have no bath, and the new bathroom with a bathtub I am going to build is not in the plans for at least 4-5 month. More likely a year. since there are other things more urgent as are newborns own room.

So you are totally correct. I need to suck it up and find a way for my self to deal with it. And be a good husband and father.

[effy2014]

I apologize for not responding to this thread earlier. We get many of these issues from both men and women and I'm pleased that you've read some of these threads. Based on your two posts, you seem to be a very sensitive man who cares deeply about his wife and family.

While the timing of your post is bad ... 6 weeks from child birth is too early to complain ... the issue started a while ago. It may get worse as time goes on because raising children is an exhaustive process and it can sap all the sexuality out of her being. You are on the right track. Her libido will be stoked more by how you help with daily tasks than complements about her hotness (though don't stop giving those as well).

I am a communication nut. Make sure you communicate your needs to her at the appropriate time but also in an appropriate way. Sex and intimacy for a man is crucial to maintain and deepen his emotional connection to his marriage. Whether it should be or not doesn't matter. It does. The two of you need to talk so you can understand what she needs to feel in the mood and how you can facilitate those things. Communication keeps a happy marriage happy.

[raindancer]

Lexhill, I think you're handling it in the best possible way.

I'm going to express my opinion on the subject. Please, I'm nowhere clamming all women are the same, nor that my pointers apply to your wife. I'll just offer you a different point of view. It may help you, I hope, but if you're sure it doesn't apply to your situation, please, just ignore it. I'll use the word "you", just to write easily, but I don't mean you, Lexhill, particularly. I mean a man in a situation resembling yours. And, again, perhaps nothing of it applies to you. When I type "she", I don't mean your wife, but a woman in the situation reminiscent of what I understood your wife's to be, but I may be completely mistaken.

If you force communication on a subject that clearly upsets her, you risk only pushing her away. Sometimes it is best to give it time. Now, for instance, with a baby so young. She'll probably appreciate you taking the hint that it isn't the time.

Chances are, she isn't in the mood to even talk about it, because she recognizes her own lack of sex drive and is more worried/bothered with it than yourself. A woman wants to feel desire towards the man she loves. A woman wants to feel sexy. A woman also wants to feel pleasure, and that wanting, that warm sensation on her vagina/clitoris area.

Research has found that 1/3 of women between the ages of 18 and 59 suffer of lack/loss of libido. It is a complicate problem that involves both psychological, as well as physical issues.

When the baby is a little older, she could go see a doctor to rule out the physical issues. I've read topical use of estrogen (so, not like a pill, but directly applied to the vagina) may help in some cases, by improving blood flow in that area. Breaking routine may also give good results in some cases. That's to say that there are things that might work. Knowing that may help to motivate a person to seek help.

But there isn't a quick fix to this problem.

I would like to repeat that a woman going through it (losing her libido) is probably suffering more than her male partner. She's the one with a "problem". You still get your drive, you still get your erections, you still get your orgasms. She has nothing. She's aware there is something different.

Suppose you couldn't get an erection. You appreciate your wife, she's beautiful, she's sexy. But you just can't get it. She talks to you. She pushes on the subject. You should talk, you should seek help, surely... but if she'd push a lot, you'd perhaps feel more and more inadequate and even resentful. Supposing there was only a minor problem that could be more easily solved, perhaps with a pill like viagra (for men, only), now there would be also a psychological barrier, his resentment for a woman who pushed him when he wasn't ready, when he was still struggling to understand something wasn't quite right.

Some matters are so delicate. Female sexuality is one of those.

It is a bit like depression (but not depression: I'm just trying to explain how it would feel). A person suffering from clinical depression, doesn't want to do anything. You may tell that person: "let's go out and about, enjoy a movie with popcorn, dine out, dance, let's have fun, that's what you need". The depressed wishes he/she would feel the drive to do that. But he/she just can't be bothered. It isn't enough to wish yourself out of a situation to solve it. I'm just giving an example of a condition that depends on the chemistry in your body, that you can't just control, even though you desperately wish you could.

The danger of forcing communication in such a situation is that from then on, everything you do, she'll interpret as you just doing it to get a sexual reward. A caring husband, participating father would become just a desperate man doing things he doesn't normally do, only to get a sexual reward, in her perception.

It could hurt her in the sense she could see you as insensitive. It is as if the woman was screaming inside "don't you think I wish I desired sex double as much as you do? I want to desire, but it isn't happening!" but the man, oblivious to her internal struggle, is pushing on the subject.

I'm not saying you shouldn't talk. Communication with your partner, and doctor, is part of solving the problem. But if all that happens is you insisting on the subject when she's not ready, you risk pushing her away, creating resentment where there was none.

I repeat: I don't know if this applies to you and your wife, OP. It's up to you to see if it does, or could be.

You'd have to give her space.

What about communicating?

Well, right now, you're communicating because of your need for sex. You're frustrated, understandably so. And when you're communicating, perhaps that frustration and your need is the message coming through.

Imagine a man with two broken arms/hands. He can't fix anything in the house. Then, his wife, tired of waiting for the repairs on the sink drain, grows in frustration. She starts to talk to him about those repairs. She asks him if he could try to do it without his hands. He surely can use his feet, can't he? And she wants to talk and talk about it. The guy is screaming inside: "I wish I could do it, but I can't!" She is pushing on the discussion. What if we bought new tools? Tools you could use with your feet? And so on.

He just can't. He wishes he could. And the woman, instead of waiting to talk about the needed repairs in the house when he was off the plaster, she keeps pushing on.

Just for the record, I fix the drain in my house and do all the electrical works. My man does the dishes. I'm not implying specific roles for male/female. I'm just using it as an example to make my point.

So, communication is necessary, but what are you going to communicate. Your frustration? She knows that. She knows.

Communication, I think, should be that of a partner who knows his wife is suffering with a problem. He wants to be a friend, to let her know he understands she can't force desire. To help her see she has a real partner in life, someone who cares for her and is there during this bad patch. He wants to help her solve her problem, for her, because someone he loves is struggling. Not that of a partner who is frustrated and wants a person with a problem to sort him out.

Once I couldn't eat solids for 6 weeks. It was after heavy surgery. I could only drink liquids as fluid as water. Well, I wanted to eat normal stuff, but I couldn't. I was hungry all the time. Hungry? I was starving. If my husband had proposed "look, I'll eat chocolates, now, you sit there and watch, because I enjoy them more, if you're watching"... I wouldn't have really enjoyed sitting there and watching. Or if he had asked, after two weeks of cooking himself: "honey, would you cook me some steak and fries, with a chocolate mousse for desert? I know you can't eat this stuff, but I really, really crave it." I wouldn't have cooked it for him.

Well, it's a lot of opinions. I don't know if anything of it applies to you and your wife.

If proper communication is successful, you could be together in seeking a solution. She'd go see a doctor to work on possible physical causes, possible medicine help, like hormonal treatment (topical estrogen, if applicable, for instance). She could also see a counselor if it veers towards a psychological issue. If you push for sex in the meantime, it could just push her away and make her feel even more lonely than what she's perhaps already feeling.

You can inform yourself about the issue of loss of libido on women. There is a lot of material on the net. Stick to research papers. You can also go see a doctor yourself, to ask questions. When I do this kind of thing, I go to an university hospital. Good luck.

If anything I've written has offended you in any way, I apologize. It wasn't my intention.

[Lexhill]

This will be a short message. And you will never have to worry about offending me. Everyone has their right to their opinion and when i post something i expect to hear peoples own opinion.

When it comes to effy and raindancer's input i find them both intresting and helpful. Some of them i have already started to use and some i don't think is relevance. And i have already seen some sign of improvment for us since posting the initial message and read other post as well.

I will post more detailed tomorrow. But on short term easier talks and longer fuse.

Thanks.

[effy2014]

I look forward to your update.

My perspective and that of Raindancer are not far different. I do not advocate whining or pestering as a form of communication. I am also a firm believer that, if your partner has physical or emotional issues, it is crucial to be a supportive partner in her recovery. However, ignoring an obvious issue which brings great consternation to your partner is never a solution.

[Lexhill]

There I have time for some update

What I have done so far is to kinda deal with my own sexual frustration for my self. I have stopped talking about anything sexually oriented, and in cases where things might be taken sexually I have taken the "innocent" road. On other sides I have also tried to be even more in place while talking, and helping out even more at home. We started to bottle train our newborn yesterday to help build the relationship between me and him as this have not been to great. The reason for this have been that I have taken care of our 2 year old and she our newborn.

But I think there are mainly 3 things that have changed things the most and that is no sex talk, helping out even more and the fact that I have 2 times the last weak almost fallen to the floor of exhaustion, I think that have made her "realize" that I actually do quite a bit.

But some of the reasons why I kinda feel that something is changing is as follows. She had an after birth examination last week. There she got prescription for birth control(Regular procedure in our country). But she only told me she had to pick up the proscription first. I asked what it was for, since she had said everything had gone well at the doctor. She replied birth control in a positive way. Things like this have for a little while now been said in a annoyed tone. The other thing was something I have been watching for, for a while. But as I got undressed and ready for bed I could see her looking at my "package" as I got ready. I felt she was watching it for her own enjoyment as she looked for a few seconds looked away and then looked back again(There was in her eye path nothing else to watch). I chose not to "work" with that watching but just let her savor it or what she wanted, as I felt that me trying to act on that would be negative for her. There have also been a lighter mood in our house on other matters. As I try to more actively engage in all conversations. even those I find really really boring.

So in the time ahead. I am planing to arrange it so my wife can get some time off and get a spa treatment. I do wonder thought what her thoughts was when looking at my "package", maybe some of you can inform what women think of when they look (Probably a million things and different every time)? I just know when I look at my wifes butt, it's usually thought about touching that sexy thing.

When it comes to talking to the doctor about our problems I don't think we are there quite yet. I understand and believe that we will be in a little special "state" the next few years as we have small kids. But mostly I hope things will take a turn for the better sex wise in 2-3 months as we then have our room for our self again, and the baby might sleep through the night.

So thanks again for all the advices.

raindancer: I don't think she has a libido problem, she just have a more quite and reserved personality. Always afraid and concerned about 'what if'. This is something that has been there since we started dating and that I have worked on with her since. This on the other hand might be a case for a psychologist, in the same way I consider one for my issues from my childhood. From knowing my own issue with constantly seeking approval and recognition from everyone, and missing the feeling of a safe harbor. I know childhood problems might cause huge impact in adults life. Other then that I like very well the "pictures" you paint. I understand quite well what your trying to tell me. And yes I see that I have been doing some of this but not anymore as far as I can see my self. The bad part for me is that I do cook for my wife even thought I can't eat myself, I do go the extra mile as long as there is not an injury that makes me unable. This goes back to my constant need of validation and approval, that comes from a bad childhood. So for me it's not a problem but an internal positive validation, as long as I can find a way to help out.

So everything depends on a perception that your brain does. and is also the reason why these forums might be so helpful. Because you get an input that you might not have thought off, that may be closer or more valid for your partner.

[footballwife]

I agree communication is very important, and it sounds like you are trying very hard. That is great. I do know that some women want to "want" sex. They just have no desire. This can sometimes cause great distress to her. I encourage to really communicate about this in the months ahead. It could just be having small children, newborn, but what if it is something she just cannot help? Something she cannot control. There are medical conditions that do exist in this area, just so little research done. Women deserve to have more.

[Lady Syrinx]

I agree communication is very important, and it sounds like you are trying very hard. That is great. I do know that some women want to "want" sex. They just have no desire. This can sometimes cause great distress to her. I encourage to really communicate about this in the months ahead. It could just be having small children, newborn, but what if it is something she just cannot help? Something she cannot control. There are medical conditions that do exist in this area, just so little research done. Women deserve to have more.

After our daughter was born , my husband and I went through some sexual issues. Our once strong, stable relationship began to fall apart. I once described it to him like this I had the desire but it was tied up in a neat little somewhere inside me and I wasn't sure how to get it back.

Lex, you seem to be doing pretty good. My only piece of advice is that you don't begin blaming your wife's problem on yourself. Eventually my husband did just that. We've been together since high school so hearing him blame himself foe things that ad noting to do with him, his physical attributes, or his ability in bed. It was the emotional equivalent of an IED every time I played the "wifely duty" card. It hurt him and it blew my heart to pieces not being able to show my husband how much I loved him in any meaningful physical way.