[IEGirl]

Hi everyone. I am new to the site, and I joined the site in order to speak to fellow users regarding my ongoing situation and concerns.

I've been with my spouse for 6 years and he is 15 yrs my senior (29 vs 44)
Just to give to you the background: 5 years ago my spouse was diagnosed with ED, and never have tried to pressure him, my motto has always been "as long as we try!" and we also suffered 6 miscarriages over 4 years. With his condition I am able to get him to EJ however it never gets hard. The fact that He's not able to get an erection causes him to rarely penetrate or initiate sex.

My spouse is a rough'n touch kind of guy, not into PDA, and is emotionally tough. Up until we tried councelling (4yrs in) he realized not ALL women orgasm EVERYTIME and not all women are able to projectile EJ as he was animate that something was wrong with my VA. He always seemed to push the PSE. Since he's been diagnosed with ED he's given me multiple "reasons" over multiple periods of why his libido was low, this was a continuous problem up until a year ago and I spent a lot of time and energy on trying to help the situation or trying to figure out if it was me? I began trying toys and different ways to try to stimulate him but he than began relying on that. A few years later our sex life began to slow down even more, as u began insisting to him that I didn't want to have to masterbate in front of him everytime to initiate it. It began not to turn ME on anymore, and began getting weird as he'd just watch. He began telling me that his doctor said nothing was wrong with him and it was me, and our sex life began to spiral down. He began to claim sex was
Boring however he began never intitating sex and kept insisting that I just lay on the bed masterbating with a toy in order to initiate him. He says
Kissing, groping, oral doesn't turn him on anymore. And he said trying different positions isn't enough. He said oral, kissing, and trying different positions suck, which means he doesn't understand what a healthy sex life is anymore. He's beginning resent me and telling people that I'm not putting out, but isn't telling people that he doesn't care to initiate sex or do healthy techniques to cat call me lol. And not telling people WHAT he insists on me doing.He's being very stubborn, I've made it clear that I don't need romance but I want him to handle me like a Passionate MAN! We went to councelling and she agreed we need to be mutual and connected healthy way. 2 weeks later he began masterbating next to me in bed no order to wake me up... Which I actually found repulsive. But still refuses to initiate it in a way is be turned on by and is constantly making comments and "jokes" about me dressing up in heels or "jabbing myself"

I'm getting frustrated of trying to fight for something exciting and healthy while I feel like Im being told it's mandatory to have the PSE. I am tired for trying to get him in a partnership and to see what it's like from my POV

Please give me your honest thoughts! It's been years since it's felt like connected and passionate sex.

[Gary7]

I'm not quite clear on things. You say he was diagnosed with ED, but then later you say that he's telling you his doctor is telling him he's perfectly healthy. If he actually has a medical condition, ED, then only a doctor can help him, assuming there is a treatment for the cause of his ED.

If he is physically capable of getting an erection, but has a difficult time doing so, then there could be a number of causes. Low testosterone, porn addiction, etc. The only way you're going to solve the problem is to get him to talk about the problem, with you and probably, from the sound of it, a professional counselor.

The one thing I can say with almost 100% certainty is that it is NOT you. There's not a doctor in the world that is telling him that he's having erection issues because his wife, his 30-year younger wife, is causing it. That's a defense mechanism he's using to keep from feeling guilty because he knows it's actually his problem. Same with talking to others about your sex life. He obviously isn't acting his age.

And for those that might not be familiar, PSE = Porn Star Experience.

[effy2014]

Is he on meds for the ED? Have any worked?

If you are asking for a "sanity check" ... based upon your description, his requests are both odd and rather degrading. I am assuming that you are neither a porn star nor an escort. To ask your wife to act like either is troubling. My supposition is that, before you, he probably visited some escorts and became used to PSE sex. It would also help to explain his lack of education on sexual matters.

Your husband, whether or not a rough and tumble man, should focus on pleasing you, not have you perform a sex routine to get him excited. The fact that he is talking to people about your sex life (inaccurately so, it appears) is completely unacceptable. If counseling has not helped you need to ask yourself -- why are you with this man?

[IEGirl]

Hi thanks so much for the reply. Yes he was diagnosed in 2010 and tried Viagra, cialis, however he says they hurt his stomach and suffers a hangover feeling the next day, but yes it helps but he won't take them. Morning erection is normal, so it seems to be when he feels he should perform. And eventually he began to deny he was ED and said it wasn't him. Just seemed like denial as we openly discussed the ED prior.

We did attend couples councelling many times, and my spouse is NOT a
Believer in councelling. He was honest that normal play didn't get him aroused, and that he doesn't want to be "romantic" and was very adimate about say what he wanted. He then walked out of the session and never went back.

He just seems to becoming more defensive as time goes on.

[IEGirl]

Funny you say that. He dated two
"dancers" a few years prior to me. However, he claims that's not the kind of girl he wants. And yes I have made it clear to him and our councillor that it feels degrading now. He says everyone agrees with him, however based on what I've heard he is not telling them the full story and Saying that I don't put out. Even my gf's can't believe how much I am asked to do to get some. I can't even get a quickly! I want a healthy SL with him but the bar seems high all the time.

Your last phrase is something I've been trying to manage and find balance for since January. Just growing tired.

[raindancer]

What is PSE?

[Gary7]

What is PSE?

It's at the bottom of my earlier response. Porn Star Experience. Wanting your partner to act like the people in porn act.

[DreamP346]

So a couple of things. ED can be very taxing on a man's ego. It is difficult for him to accept and he will find other ways shift the blame. But this is not a blame game. It is reality. ED drugs usually don't solve most ED programs. Most men stop using them within a year. ED is just a reality of old age. But there is so much to sex than a hard penis. If ED prevented sex, most elderly couples wouldn't be having sex.

It seems like your husband is trying to deal with his ED by asking for more kinky and hardcore behavior from you. Seems like that is what he likes. Can you talk to him and come to a compromise. You can accommodate some of his kinky needs if he will meet you half way with some vanilla sex. Also, he needs to stop talking to other people about your sex life. This is not high school. What happens in your bedroom should be between you two and possibly a therapist.

Can I also suggest limiting the acronyms in your posts. It is really hard to follow and many members here will not understand them.

[jns]

Morning erection is normal, so it seems to be when he feels he should perform.

Lack of morning wood is one of the sings of ED. He doesn't sound like he has got a strong case of ED, at best a mild one. It sounds like he may have desensitized himself. Another explanation is he may have low testosterone. If he really wants an erection and all else fails, he could get an implant.

[coffeedrinker]

Thanks for definition of the acronym!

This is what I think, not knowing a whole lot:

I think your hubby is having some problems, and they are (likely, IMO) between his ears.

1. If he has a diagnosis, find out his next doc appointment and attend with him. Not sure how you're going to manage that, and you don't want to ambush him, but I think that's a really good start.

2. If this is a self diagnosis, it may or may not be accurate

3. I have a guy who has some finger-pointing behaviors. What I've seen, is that when I criticize him, he very often will point right at me, and it sounds as though he's finding ways for things to be my fault. OR, he'll deflect. I was seeing a therapist and we invited him in and she told me he was deflecting all over the place. In other words, I picture him holding up a shield so that the insult or critique bounces off him...like changing the subject, or saying "well, when YOU ______"

This is classic behavior by someone who has esteem issues and who has a hard time being in the wrong. "Hate the deed not the person" doesn't seem to find its place with this kind of person.

Frankly, that's what I think your husband's real issue is. It manifests in many ways.

4. He needs to go to the counselor with you. You guys need to learn to trust one another, communicate honestly but kindly, and build closeness. It's really, really hard, but if you want intimacy, my belief is the only way to do it. (Not the counselor part, but most people won't do the work all on their own)

You could consider an ultimatum. One year of counseling or else.