[guccio]

need some advice from women. I am a married man and my wife had to have surgery on her head 3 years ago and an unintentional side effect was a loss of sexual desire. we are both 36 years old. she says she finds me attractive and sex feels good but just doesn't need to have it. she never initiates and seems indifferent to being touched or anything I do so actual sex occurring is much less than what I want. I think this has led me to feeling undesired and lonely. I feel since I am married it is wrong to seek some relationship with someone else, but have no sexual outlet and desire an intimate relationship, especially since we have 2 children together (before her surgery). I guess I need some advise since I am at a loss at what to do. thanks

[ladyautumn]

I feel your pain, and I have no answer. Regardless of the reason for one partner's lack of sexual desire, it's still painful for the partner who does desire it.

One thing that stands out in your post, though, is when you say that she never initiates. Maybe you shouldn't take that to heart. As a woman who loves to have sex with her husband, I almost never initiate.

If you haven't thought of this already, maybe you could make a practice of touching her often in non-sexual ways. Do it as often as you can remember. Walk up behind her, rub her shoulders, kiss her on the neck...then walk away. As much as I love sex, I resented the fact that the only time my first husband ever touched me or acted like he was interested in my life was when he wanted sex. (NOT saying that's what you do, I have no way of knowing...just remembering past issues). If you could train yourself to touch her in a non-sexual way (or do whatever it is that makes her feel loved) ten times more often than you touch her in a sexual manner, maybe things could get better? Given the fact that her lack of desire comes from brain surgery, and that part of her brain has been damaged, I don't know.

Have you read about the 5 Love Languages? Personally, I appreciate words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and quality time; but for me to REALLY feel loved, I need physical touch. Not just sexual touch, but any kind of touch. I hug and kiss my kids and grandkids, I put my hands on them often, and it feels great to the BONE when someone I love touches me. But everyone has their own love language. Some people get that kind of feeling when they get roses, or when someone tells them they're doing a good job, etc.

I feel like I'm rambling. This is all connected in my own mind, but I don't know if it reads that way. I hope all the best for you.

[raindancer]

Unfortunately for you, I don't think there is anything you can do, OP. None of the things people often advise others to do in your situation will create a sex drive in a person who doesn't have it.

If I were in your situation, I'd talk to her about the way you feel and how you miss feeling desired. I'd talk as a friend, opening my heart to expose my suffering. And I'd expect her, as a friend who cares for me, to help me find some kind of compromise to allow me that. My man is my best friend. When I have a problem, he usually helps me find a solution, or, at least, cope with it.

Good luck for you, the both of you.

[guccio]

thank you for taking the time so share some good advise I will take to heart and some ideas for me to work on. it Is really appreciated