[runrig]

Hi. =) There's some stuff I've been wanting to get off my chest for ages (because I keep it from everyone in my life), and I thought it was about time I finally did. I'm not sure if this is a question ("what do I do?") or a problem to be solved, or if I'm just reaching out in the hope that there are other women in my position who've found a successful way to deal. Maybe all of the above! So here goes.

I'm 27 and I'm a virgin. This is because the idea of sharing my body with someone scares me, because it's not a body I'm 100% comfortable in. It's also because, at this age, being a virgin is quite rare, so I fear being judged, and it's not like the guy wouldn't be able to tell that it's my first time. Nobody knows I'm a virgin; not even my closest friends.

I've never had my first kiss either, and this is simply because I believe sex would be expected soon after. At this age, sex is expected if you strike up something physical with someone. So basically, I don't want to kiss anyone until I'm ready to sleep with them.

At the moment, a few guys are interested in me. I like them too. One in particular. I know for a fact that he would be very patient and sweet and understanding, and certainly wouldn't pressure me into sex, but I kind of don't really want that. Maybe when I was younger that'd be lovely, but these days what I want is something much more passionate, spontaneous and hot. I want to sleep with him, but I don't want him knowing and treating me like the virgin I am.

Catch-22, eh? =P

I want to be less inhibited, but I've got no idea how. I would never, ever do this, but I've actually daydreamed briefly about a gigolo. Someone who'd introduce me to sex, take my virginity (so I wouldn't have to worry about anyone knowing), and never see me again (yay). I'd never seriously consider it, but I'm just sharing the kind of thing I've thought about, so you've got a clearer taste of my mindset.

I have, however, considered... you know... losing my virginity "by myself", so my first time wouldn't hurt and nobody would know I'm a virgin.

But my discomfort with my virginity is only one side of the problem. The other side is my aforementioned discomfort with my actual body. I'm not overweight, but I've got some excess fat. My hope is that once I lose that, I'll be all "perfect" and keen to show myself off (i.e. with a guy). But it's possible that I have an unattainable vision for what I want to look like... so if I'm waiting to be "perfect", I'll be waiting forever. I have a fear that I'm just going to waste what remains of my youth without ever having discovered sex.

Also, it seems kinda gross. =D I don't want the gross side of sex. Impossible to avoid, I'm sure, but... still!

So, that's me! I wouldn't mind going forever without even being kissed, as there's so much more to life, but I'm getting frustrated with my own discomfort and I have no idea how to tackle it.

[effy2014]

You are way, way, way overthinking this. At this rate, you are going to be a 40 year old virgin because your thinking is completely contradictory and, in my opinion, focused on the wrong issues.

You want to know where to start? Start with a relationship. Find someone you are passionate about and who respects you and date. Kissing does not require you to commit to a sexual relationship. That is complete nonsense. You are in complete control of when a relationship turns sexual. Having sex in the context of a relationship solves a few of the problems that give you anxiety. You will be comfortable with how he views your body. He won't judge you. Plus,you might actually have a good memory of your first sexual experience.

Second, masterbation will not take your virginity. I didn't get the fact that you want you first sexual experience to hurt. Why would that be? You don't want to be a virgin, don't want anyone to know that you are a virgin, but you want to make sure that it hurts? Masterbate and learn your body. Start to understand what an orgasm feels like and what you enjoy sexually. That will make you feel less like a virgin.

Find the right guy for you and let things evolve. You have waits this long . . . make it a good decision.

[runrig]

You are way, way, way overthinking this. At this rate, you are going to be a 40 year old virgin because your thinking is completely contradictory and, in my opinion, focused on the wrong issues.

You want to know where to start? Start with a relationship. Find someone you are passionate about and who respects you and date. Kissing does not require you to commit to a sexual relationship. That is complete nonsense. You are in complete control of when a relationship turns sexual. Having sex in the context of a relationship solves a few of the problems that give you anxiety. You will be comfortable with how he views your body. He won't judge you. Plus,you might actually have a good memory of your first sexual experience.

Second, masterbation will not take your virginity. I didn't get the fact that you want you first sexual experience to hurt. Why would that be? You don't want to be a virgin, don't want anyone to know that you are a virgin, but you want to make sure that it hurts? Masterbate and learn your body. Start to understand what an orgasm feels like and what you enjoy sexually. That will make you feel less like a virgin.

Find the right guy for you and let things evolve. You have waits this long . . . make it a good decision.

Hi Effy, thanks for replying. =) Just to clarify: I don't want my first time to hurt. I've thought of using a toy to "lose my virginity" on my own and get the initial pain over with in the hope that a) my first time having sex therefore won't hurt, and b) my first sexual partner won't know I'm a virgin.

[runrig]

Also, while I appreciate what you're saying, I don't want to think of my issues as "wrong". I realise they might seem contradictory or foolish, but it's just how I feel. It's why I'm kinda stuck.

[atskitty2]

I don't think effy was saying you're wrong, he is suggesting you're focused on the wrong things. There's a difference.
If you're in a loving relationship, the issues that concern you will be hardly an issue at all.
I don't have time to comment further now, but I will check back later.

[atskitty2]

Well, I certainly hope you'll return to the forum for more feedback from posters here.

Being a virgin at your age is not a negative. A man who genuinely cares for you will appreciate your choices up to now. He will love your body with all it's extra flab, and perceived (by you) imperfections. And it's ok if he knows you're a virgin! You should share that info with him, it isn't a big bad secret to be kept! When the time is right, tell him. Because you're right, he would know, and he will love that! Who knows, he may be also?! You are assuming so many things...

And sex is a process. Kissing isn't just a precursor to intercourse. It is part of foreplay, yes, but it is just fun to do when the moment strikes sitting on the couch watching a movie, or walking through the park. You begin dating, getting to know each other. You hold hands, cuddle, kiss, grope, all sorts of things before sex is in the game. Those steps toward sex can go as slow or as fast as you would like them to.

Yes, it may be painful your first time or 2, but it is truly not an excruciating experience for most women. If you want to try to minimize that experience with a vibe, then have at it, but I'm not sure what's to be gained by it. Experience it with the full pleasure & bond & trust with that other person. And using a vibe for your first penetration does not lose your virginity.

Becoming less inhibited comes over time, with experience & trying new things. It's like anything else, it takes practice & experience.

Finally, if you aren't willing to share the honest truth of your experience, or lack of, with this man you're considering sleeping with, is he really the right one? Loving relationships that progress to a sexual relationship should be based on honesty & trust (you should trust him w/this info). He shouldn't treat you differently, except maybe with even more respect.
You've already waited so long, do it "right", with the right guy!

[effy2014]

Kitty is brilliant as usual. Feelings are never "wrong" and if you thought that is what I meant, I sincerely apologize. Your issues are far from foolish -- I understand being uncomfortable in your own skin and the scariness of starting at 27.

As Kitty suggested, my perspective was for you to think outside the box you created. Instead of focusing on sex, it seems more appropriate to me to focus on having a relationship that may lead to sex. Find the right man, and the inhibitions will melt away. Men who appreciate you as a person will not care if your body is. It perfect to you. It will be perfect to him.

[runrig]

Thank you so much Kitty and Effy, what you've said makes a lot of sense. =)

I think I could work on accepting sex as a comfortable (but by no means inevitable) part of a loving relationship, but there's something else I'm still stuck on; my virginity. I'm a very private person about some things, including my lack of sexual experience. I wouldn't outright lie, especially to a guy I have feelings for, but nor would I want to tell him. He doesn't automatically have the right to know my sexual history (or rather, my lack of it) just because I trust him enough to sleep with him. I don't believe healthy sex does have to include being completely open about it. But I wonder if he would know anyway...? I've heard that if a girl's first time is painful, or even a bit bloody, it's not actually the result of the hymen breaking, it's often due to a lack of lubrication or due to tensing up from anxiety. I have close, happy, healthy relationships with friends and family, but I choose not to divulge that I'm a virgin to anyone, and part of the reason why I've never had sex is that I don't want anyone at all to know that I've... never had sex. =P

[DreamP346]

You are correct. The first time pain usually comes from lack of technique. In most cases, both partners are inexperienced and don't know what they are doing. First time sex does not have to be painful if you are with the right person. That is why it is best to tell him. At the same time, you are correct, you are not obligated to tell him. You can just make vague references to not being very experienced. Remember, masturbation is also sex, so you can say you have had sex before.

[Gary7]

I dunno, in some ways I think that having your first time be about nothing but the physical act of sex makes a lot of sense. Forget all the emotions and possible game playing and roller coaster of emotions associated with it and make your first experience be about nothing more than trying to learn about the physical pleasure of sex. Sort of along the lines of the gigolo idea you were talking about runrig. This is commonly referred to as an F-buddy, although it's usually associated with more sexually experienced friends. For a lot of women, and probably men, this is often easier said than done, but in theory it certainly sounds good in a lot of situations.

And if you're worried about penetration hurting then I personally think doing so with a vibrator yourself first is a great idea for a couple of reasons. First, I think it's important that you be able to give yourself an orgasm before expecting someone else to do so. That's just obvious, but often overlooked. Second it makes sense to me that using a vibrator first would eliminate at least one source of possible pain during penetration. I say go with that idea for sure.