[mmf05]

Hi-- Would really love some insight or support anybody has. Thank you!

So I've stressed and worried about sex for a long time. I've been on an emotional roller coaster with my feelings towards having sex. Sometimes in the moment I really want it but get scared to commit, other times I don't want it. I've had a couple of boyfriends in the past, but always found it kind of hard to open up and fully let myself go. I've always had these sexual desires but in the moment I'd get so anxious and nervous I'd always retreat back into myself and wouldn't get past '3rd base' or so.

Anyways, I've always desired male intimacy- in every sense of the word. I just get so inside my head about all of this. And I doubt myself like crazy.(I do this with other aspects of life, too) This past halloween weekend, I met a guy that, despite being drunk for much of the meeting, I clicked with pretty well. We ended up hanging out all weekend and I think he is so sweet and funny etc. We also discovered we have the same birthday, lol. We hooked up for a bit and he rubbed my clit/semi fingered me, and for one of the first time I was really relaxed/comfortable with it. I enjoyed it but I didnt last long and it was so overwhelming of a feeling I was moaning like I was being ********cked, and orgasmed pretty quickly lol. It was pretty intense.(sorry if thats TMI) I have also just recently gotten into the swing of masterbating. I've just always been kind of uncomfortable with putting my sex life into play, and I've just recently tried to start and make a push to make things happen. I just want to be able to give myself to a guy that I really like and not feel anxious or worried and just enjoy it completely. I long for this.


Also- I do have 'performance anxiety' and ADD.

[Gary7]

No such thing as TMI. The more information, the better the advice...

It sounds to me like you're perfectly healthy. Maybe your drive has just taken a slight down turn of late. There are swings like that throughout the course of our lives. Hormone swings, stress, etc., can all have a pretty big impact on a person's sex drive.

On the other hand you sound like you were plenty aroused with the heavy "petting" session with this guy.

I've never heard of anyone over-fantasizing. There are things like becoming a bit desensitized because of too much masturbation or using porn too much, but generally they're easy to overcome. You just quit masturbating and/or watching porn for a bit.

No, much more likely is something in your life causing you stress and thus reducing your interest in sex. The catch-22 is that perhaps the stress and worry over having sex has made you lose a bit of your interest in actually having it! Sort of a subconscious reaction of your brain. Your brain: "All this thinking and stressing about sex is making mmf05 a mess. I'm going to solve her problem by reducing her interest in sex and then she won't be so stressed!" That's the layman's version (which is what I am) of how your brain may be working, although I'm sure it's a lot more complicated than that.

I say relax. Continue to see this guy and just go with the flow. If you're feeling it and it seems right go for it. If not then don't. Don't stress over it though, just relax and let what's going to happen happen.

Good luck!

[mmf05]

Gary- your reply is greatly appreciated!!

Seeing as how many views this post got, I probably should have put more thought into the structure of my writing and should have aimed to make it a bit more clear and concise and less all over the place.. So, sorry to you, Gary and anyone else reading this- for my scattered outburst. I was just feeling really anxious and like I had to get everything out immediately. My head feels a lot more clear today, and I am going to visit this guy this weekend! I'm getting very excited!

I also agree entirely with the point you made about the stress. I have always been a very stressful, anxious person, living a very stressful life. The stress has definitely gotten the best of me, especially over the recent years. I am working on fighting it though. I think this is a good opportunity for me to open myself up and have fun and let go of my worries and fears. Like I said, I really long for intimacy, so I'm going to do my best to make it a reality. Thanks again for the insight/support!

[Lexhill]

I agree with Gary7. I think you might be stressing to much. Try to calm down and let things fall inn to place. Stress will absolutely affect your sexual drive and your overall energy level.

I have a little feeling you might question yourself to much, which makes you a little insecure. Try to except the fact that you are good enough the way you are. Try to do what you want with your life and forget what others might think. Often girls have the tendency to over think things, try to listen to your feelings and what feels right for YOU then do that. For me it sounds like you should visit this guy and let things go from there and enjoy yourself. Be yourself and let him like you for you if not it's not worth it.

Many people find both men and women attractive. I feel it's a lot more common for women to do this then men, I believe there is 2 reasons for that. 1. it's more socially accepted for women to find other women attractive both non sexually and sexually. 2. The female body is by most people viewed on as the more beautiful, attractive and tasteful then man's. I would therefor say that your admiring of the female body would be completely normal, and nothing gay about it.

I can't see a reason that you over fantasize, I don't think that would be possible. And NO you are not hopeless, I just believe your are stressed out and insecure in your own confidence. Understand that you are good enough just the way you are and live your life the way you want it to be. Then things will fall inn to place both with sex and relationships in time. Stress and insecurities are probably the reason for the lack of interest/arousal.

This is just what I think. And I hope it might shed light on some of the things you feel.

[mmf05]

Lexhill- thank you very much for taking the time to reply! Having any kind of support/positive words really fuels me and makes me feel better. I am looking forward to this weekend and maybe I'll post back here about how it all went.

And you hit the nail on the head, even though it was pretty obvious- I have always been very insecure in pretty much any/every aspect of life at some point or another. It's just the way I am and I need to work with it and reassure myself and also let others reassure me as well. My moods fluctuate like craaaaaaaaazy. I can be totally insecure one moment then feel totally passionate and confident an hour later. It's just something I gotta work with and tolerate, like I said. Sorry, going way off here. Doing my best to carry my positive mood into the weekend and make the best of it!!!!

Also the stress thing- uh, yeah, big time. It's ties in with the insecurity. Too many times do I let stress and fear plague me.

Thanks very much again!

[Gary7]

You're very welcome mmf (that's a unique choice of nickname for a first timer lol). Please do let us know how you're doing. Relax and have fun!

[Lexhill]

I know very well about how to live with insecurities, I am struggling with the same. I've got a decade more life experience that you and have after time learned to live things my own way. The reason is as simple as I figured out I will never be enough for everyone else anyway so why try. I therefor concentrate at achieving my own goal. For me the dilemma is I feel I have a long way to go in my own mind. Another thing is that I always look for improvements.

Sorry wandering of. But try to set yourself a goal for what you like to achieve, then aim for that. We live in a world where no one is perfect, remember that.

looking forward to hear about you weekend.

[raindancer]

Just remember you shouldn't have sex if you're not sure you really want to.

[RanchGirl]

When I read the first part of your post I thought you sounded ADDish, and the at the end you said you do have ADD and are on Concerta but isn't not helping. Are you on any of the ADD forums? You may need a change in meds or change the dosage. You are overthinking! I'm not diagnosed but suspect I have ADD (and I'm nearly 50!) and find myself over-thinking things to the point of distraction like you. I would revisit that. Also, are you on the pill? Someone else mentioned the pill killing her sex drive, and I suspect that may be why my sex drive was in the toilet for all my life! I should have made my husband get a vasectomy and gone off years ago LOL!

How was your family with regards to intimacy? I have trouble with intimacy, being on the receiving end of it, tend to want to squirrel my way out of it, and I'm not sure if it's the ADD or the fact that my parents weren't good models of it. We weren't a huggy-feely family at all, kept feelings tucked away, etc. I'm not sure what the answer for that is - investigating it, myself.

I'm excited for you! I do think you need to really REALLY feel strongly for a guy before you give away your virginity, and use protection, but meanwhile, nothing wrong with those heavy petting sessions IMHO!

[mmf05]

Thanks to all of you for the replies.