[0o0anonoymous0o0]

Now before you go rolling your eyes at me, thinking I am one of those girls that freaks out any time I discover a dirty mag or dvd, I am not. I am totally open about masturbation and think its a normal healthy thing to do...as long as its not excessive.

My story is however, my husband and I have been together for 11 years but were just recently married this past fall. We are both in are mid-late 20's.

Anywho, he has been on an anti-depressant for several years now, and on occasion experiences the usual down fall of being on anti's, and isnt able to ejaculate, which is ok, I understand. Its frustrating some times, but I know he can't help it. But for the past 6 or 7 months....he has not been interested in sex at all...not even me just going down on him...*which is his fav*.....so I have become very sexually frustrated...and we have discussed it and he assured me that it had nothing to do with me and that he was just stressed from work, being newly weds, getting our first home, ect., which yet again I understand and am supportive of him going through a rough time adjusting to things. But any time we do have sex, it seems he is trying to rush through it, and he is just focoused on getting him self off....I can't remember the last time he actually made love to me and didnt make me feel like i just walked off a set of a cheap porn film. But today, did it in for me....I had just got over being sick with the flu a few days ago...but still have some what of a lingering cough, so I did not sleep well last night, so when he got home from his 3rd shift job, I decided to take a nap with him when he went to bed. I even tried to be flirty and sexy and go down on him..but he said he was too tired, so I kissed him good night and let him be.

Not even 20 minutes later, after he thought I was asleep, he starts masturbating!!! I didn't know what to do, or what to say....I had a slew of emotions going through me...but more so I was hurt and I felt so undesirable and rejected. I just got up and left the room, didn't say a word....I was speechless. What should I do?? I should also mention, this is not the first time I have caught him doing this...but when I confronted him about it, he denied it and tried to make me look like I was imagining things. I am so confused right now and I could really use some advice here guys.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I'm a guy.

OK, The reason I think he masturbated, is that if you were sucking him, he'd be constantly self concious about his inability for you to bring him to orgasm. Men can stimulate themselves far more then most women, and he won't have to worry about how you feel, be embaressed if he loses his erection while you're working.. Or if you get too much of an aching jaw/arm to finish him..

It doesn't really mean that he doesn't still sexually like you, or that he has a problem (well, he does - but not a THAT serious one).

Try to get him off the antidepressants?

Maybe something else to deal with the depression? I found a few doses of MDMA helped mine (wikipedia), but it's not for everyone I suppose.


As for him concentrating through sex, I can see why he's doing that, too... He really doen't want to fail, for it to end without an orgasm, so that becomes the focus of the entire thing. If he doesn't have an orgasm, he's sexually dysfunctional. Manliness/prowess loses a point. This might well include him fantasising about the most ridiculously arousing thought he can muster, to help bring on the orgasm. This doesn't make him evil... in his own way he's trying to please you...

[0o0anonoymous0o0]

But doing it right beside me when he thinks I am sleeping when I just tried to go down on him??? Kinda harsh, don't ya think?? But I can agree partly on what you said....its just....before this...our sex life was wonderful....its not like him at all....he feels so distant from me in the bedroom.

[Fallen1]

Maybe he really was to tired? I know I've heard some guys say before that they may do such because they need/want to satisfy the urge but are really to tired to put forth the effort needed to have sex with their partner.

[0o0anonoymous0o0]

I dunno...I've told myself that many times...this isn't the only time this has happened, it has happened many many times before in the past....and I told him how it made me feel, he could at least get up and act like he has to use the bathroom or something just out of respect of my feelings...

[0o0anonoymous0o0]

What would you fellow ladies do if you were in my shoes??? I am going to try and talk and work this out with him tonight before he goes to work...hopefully, the conversation I have with him this time will get through...otherwise...I have no clue on what to do. It's definitely nothing I am willing to settle for.

[mkl27]

You shouldn't have to settle. At the same time though, you are talking about a man you love. Don't sweep it under the rug, because all the thoughts turn into anger and other emotions that you dont need. Talk to him. Lay down how you feel, and lay down what you think he might feel. Don't be afraid to ask questions and throw a line out to your hubby. If you dont talk about it, you might actually feel contempt next time you have good sex. Making it not so great at all.

[delicious105]

I would do less talking, worrying and let it go. Hindsight being 100% like it is, I would silently masturbate him and tell him he is to do nothing but enjoy the experience. That's it. See if that works. Sometimes less is more, know what I mean?

[rcoreyus]

Just a thought. Maybe you can get him to let you watch him masturbate so you can see what he likes. A lot of women don't really know how to stimulate men - not their fault - men are pretty much requried to say it is wonderful even if it isn't.

Maybe he was aroused because of your earlier advances, but he knew that you would have difficulty finishing him - didn't want you to put in so much effort. Knew he could do himself quickly to relieve the tension so he could sleep.

I don't know how much you can talk with him about this. Can you offer to do things with him? Give he oral while he also simulates himself - for some men that is very quick - and would let you know what he likes.

Of course there could be other deeper problems.

[misskitty3]

my husband used to do this years ago and it bothered me too. i didn't say anything cause i was too embarrassed to. that's just me though. i think the reason he did it was because he was tired from working all day, and sometimes guys need to do that right before they fall asleep. its like a release to finally go to sleep.

in my opinion,
the depression has a lot to do with it, regardless of the medication. i talked about this situation before with my therapist and like the others have said, she told me that there is less pressure, its easy, the fantasy in his mind is easier than worrying about being able to please you, and i bet a whole lot of other things. it is really rude to do it with you lying there, no matter if he thinks you're asleep or not. tell him that unless he's making you happy in the bedroom, the masturbation should stop. i dunno, i had trouble getting my husband to desire me a few months ago and i asked why could he still do that but not me? he played it off like he wasn't doing it as often as i thought, but a wife knows these things.

oh boy, i hope you get resolution to this problem or you might build resentment and anger for a long time. good luck, and know you are not alone. let us know how you are doing.