[Greydog72]

I don't know if this needs to be here or in mental health. I've been married for over 15 years and have a wonderful family. The problem is with the relationship my wife and I have gotten into. I'm a very touching and would like to think a very loving and physical man. I care a lot about what my wife feels and would like to please her a lot.

The problem is that we, in my mind, don't have a very good physical or sexual relationship. I know that time tends to cool things off, but I've tried, for about the last 10 years, to keep us close and I don't feel like I'm getting any help from her. I have suggested that we go to a counselor or get some help, but she just won't do it. I finally broke down about a month ago and told her that I was ready to leave. We have been talking about us and we both agreed to continue to work on our relationship and both of us would try harder.

Myself: FYI - I have no other female relationships and I have never even kissed another woman so it has nothing to do with another woman. I love my wife very much and desire her very much too. She is the woman that I have built a family with and the only woman that I wish, at the moment to live my life, to be with. But I need the whole woman and not just a mother. I am a very passionate person and love to try to do things for her, like foot messages, back and neck rubs, send her flowers, letters, tell her how beautiful she is, anything that will make her feel special because I want her to be happy. I'm a very powerful man for the norm, over 6 ft. and very strong physically, a little over weight, but I'm working on that now. Most men tend to fear me. I am in the normal range in penis size but more, I'm willing to try anything for her: oral, positions, toys, anything to help her reach an orgasm

She doesn't like to be touched, we only lip kiss, she will give me hugs but they are with her arms tight and crossed in between us. If I send to many notes, flowers, or try to hard with the romantic stuff, she says stuff like: its weird or i feel like your stocking me. Sexual things: I'm not allowed to touch her breast. She also has said that she has never reach an orgasm. We can only do it in one position: her on top. She will leave her top on during sex. She will not allow me to perform oral sex on her. I've asked if I could use sex aides to help her but will not allow it. I would be willing to try anything. I know she has a very low self-esteem about her body. She is not over weight, in my mind, I think she has a wonderful body and figure, but it doesn't matter what I tell her. I'm a very cuddly person and would love to cuddle with her at night, but she feels closed in.

I have tried talk with her about it, but she just shies away. We talk about making love or just holding each other during the day but by the time the evenings comes, she has some excuse and we do our normal her on top and me trying to get done quick. I would love to just hold her for hours and just gaze in her eyes and play touchy feely, but she doesn't. I know she loves me but I feel like that there is to much separation. I've told her that I need my soul mate and that I can't do it just for the kids anymore. That's probably the most likely reason I haven't left yet is the kids. I need help. She will not get outside help. I've tried books, manuals, and websites on the issue. I've looked in so many different ways to help us. I feel like the last month is starting to back to the old situation as it was before and I can't do that anymore. I'm looking for any suggestions that will help, please.

PS. And I know, usually the roles are switched. go figure

HNH

[CHANDLERS WISH]

When wants between two people are so vastly different, for what ever those reasons, one who is aching for that intimacy and i don't mean sexual only, their heart feels broken, i don't think you posted on the wrong area. And from threads i have read you are not alone. You appear to be a very passionate person and she not. Sometimes admitting to yourself that it is you, is an incredibly hard barrier to break and this may be why she does not want your suggestion of councelling. If she crosses her arms and just gives you a quick kiss on your lips, and gets on top of you, refusing any other way as she is in control and can make it all happen quicker, or refuses touch, including hugs, then this is a very deep problem but one of hers alone not yours and unless she seeks help there is no cure for you. I wonder if you feel she has a low self esteme issue as well, and wears a t-shirt covering her breasts in bed and wont let you touch her, that you may be better to stop with the flowers and gifts and give her some money and say why don't you go and buy yourself something you want and space for a while with no discussions there, or requests, turn it back around... I don't know if that would work as reverse physcology goes but i guess everything is worth trying. Maybe if she starts buying tops and items, purfumes things that makes her feel nice, she may get out of that a little. I myself can only say yes i was the reverse of you, for 7 years in that area however, there was more involved but all i could dream about was the sensuality and want of total intimacy over and over, that was my dream. I am no longer married. I appreciate where children are concerned people stay and i don't have children but am 44, but, i repeated on-going that i was not going to live in a loveless relationship and one day, i walked and i realised that issues he claimed where mine were in fact his. I have never been happier in all of my life and i have met someone else and have all that i missed. I hope you can work through it with her and i hope that other's can offer forms of hope but i can truly only say if not, we live one life only and i think that we should make the best of it, however, selfish that feels. CW

[Hystorm]

..

Unless I am totally mistaken, she was sexually abused as a child.
You said nothing about that but I would think there is something there.
Is this the case or have you ever asked her?
Either way, there is next to nothing you yourself can do about it other than supporting her through therapy. How did you guys date, did you simply not kiss her, or hold her during the dating phase? Little or no intimacy or did she change and this behavior is new?

[macybelle]

I was going to ask if she had been abused as a child. I think in normal healthy relations there are not limits to what can be touched or sucked on unless there is something from a persons past they don't want to relive. She can change but she has to be honest with you and with herself. She sounds very much like she's holding back from loving you emotionally and physically. I don't think you should have to live like this. However, having lived through sexual abuse myself I know how hard it is to admit your past. I was upfront with my husband from the beginning. But once I became a mother it became harder to be sexual. I felt like I was betraying my kids in a weird way. I was a mom and moms should behave that way. I don't think that way now but maybe your wife just doesn't know how to express or even understand how she is feeling. Be patient and talk. She has detached herself from you. Your love notes are not stalking. She should be thrilled. She's a lucky woman. Sometimes I used to tell my husband to quit chasing me. I felt suffocated and I wanted to do the chasing. I don't have the right answer for you but maybe if you back off a little and let her miss the attention you pay to her she will come around. Good luck!

[Greydog72]

First, I want to thank you for all of your responses. I wasn't feeling very good about trying this yesterday because I didn't know what I would get or why was I telling complete strangers my problems. But after I sleep on it and realize that I needed to just tell someone, I felt better about it. This just isn't a subject that guys talk about...you know.... I do feel a little better about it.

For the question about our relationship in the beginning: We were very intimate for about the first 5 years. Even thou we had kids, we would still make time for each other. As time moved on she would slowly push me away. We no longer French kissed, I couldn't cuddle up close to her, she would have more excuses for not cuddling, making out, or sex, she would push my hand away, and the excuses where always the same ones. As time moved on, the intimacy got further and further apart. One year we didn't have any moments together and she didn't even realize it until I mentioned it. I was trying to give her space and see if she could work it out here self, but she couldn't and didn't even remember that last time we had made love until I showed it to her on the calender. Then she started to try to make a come back but it's ending up to what we have now, a relationship that I can no longer handle and am very frustrated with.

Now, before I tell you about some of her situations, realize that I understand that every women has different things in there life that may have scared them and that I do not think that one situation is worse then the other. I know that every persons mental state is different and the abuse may seem minuet to one person who has seem to go through a lot worse, but that everyones problems are and can be life changing.

She was once touched by a father of a school mate in Jr. High school and she also had a bad relationship in college. The relationship in college was not a pretty one. He force himself once on her and she had to go through an abortion by herself. I have continually have tried to make her get counseling or talk about it, but all she will say is that I will work through it or I don't need to get help. It's getting to the point where I think she enjoys having these problems because it allows her an excuse for us not getting together. And yes I know that thats not it, but it sure feels like it. I have never hit her and I never forced myself on her. I have always completed with her requested even if it has made me upset. All the walls in my house are fine and I've never had to repair anything in my house because I was upset or angry and believe me, I can do a lot of damage.

Again, thank you for all your wonderful responses. I am very grateful :-))
And also, I am very interested in any suggestions and replies, because I still haven't given up...Fight til the end.

Thanks, HNH

[rebellee47]

For the question about our relationship in the beginning: We were very intimate for about the first 5 years.

That being said I am not sure that any hang ups from younger days carried over . Sounds more like some other issue has come up after the first 5 years. Was it 5 years before you had your first child? Sometimes I have heard that sex drive deminish's after child birth. Also was there any issues with being totally naked or being very shy during 1st 5 years? I had a similar problem in my 30's but mine was health problems causing my lack of sex drive and desire for touchy feely but I got it corrected in my early 40's and my sex drive has been great since . Could be a health issue causing it? Not trying to pry just trying to help you maybe figure this out..Lee

[rebellee47]

BTW Greydog72,

I understand the reluctance to tell your most intimate feelings and experiences to strangers ,what happens between me and my wife is not something I discuss openly with anyone but her, I felt the same way at first but then realized not only was it a personal relief to share, but no one really knows who we are . I look at these forums as a ? and answer session similar to therapy and have learned alot about womans feelings and have gotton some very good advice on things so far.....Lee

[Greydog72]

again, thanks.

We had already have had one of our kids and a little bit before the next. I know that women sometimes lose sex drive and may have issues after child birth. We have talked about it several times. About being shy, we use to shower regularly together. Every once in awhile, she will let me see her get dress and sneak a peak, but I think she is doing that just so I won't get upset. I'm not asking to be like we use too and have sex every night. I know that stats of what marriage couples do and how many times they have sex, especially after they have been married for some time. This is not the first time I have research these issues. I just want a health relationship, I think I've gone more than half ways to try to reach an agreement. I don't dare ask for anything past the norm, I don't ask for her to perform anything different anymore. Everything I do now she thinks it leads to sex and I try to tell her that thats not what I'm all about. I wish we would go get counseling, believe me, I'm ready. She has had some women issues, but she won't even go to see if there is anything to for them. After our 3rd child, she had a very good doctor and she did ask him about some issues but she wouldn't do anything about them. I've asked her to go see him but she just declines and says that I don't know what I'm talking about. I hope this message doesn't sound like I'm upset. I'm just trying to find new things to try so I won't lose hope, because that is the only thing that I think I have left.

[rebellee47]

I am sure you have already tried this , but if not is there someone you trust with the kids and is there somewhere she really likes to go or would like to go back to that you could take her?? just the 2 of you for a few days . Out of the way quiet place where you could spend some serious quality time together . Not for sex but for getting back in touch with each other and your feelings and share your thoughts?? I have done this 1 time in 24 years of marriage about 2 years ago , made everything better for me...Lee

[C]

again, thanks.

We had already have had one of our kids and a little bit before the next. I know that women sometimes lose sex drive and may have issues after child birth. We have talked about it several times. About being shy, we use to shower regularly together. Every once in awhile, she will let me see her get dress and sneak a peak, but I think she is doing that just so I won't get upset.#1 I'm not asking to be like we use too and have sex every night. I know that stats of what marriage couples do and how many times they have sex, especially after they have been married for some time. This is not the first time I have research these issues. I just want a health relationship, I think I've gone more than half ways to try to reach an agreement. I don't dare ask for anything past the norm,#2... I don't ask for her to perform anything different anymore. Everything I do now she thinks it leads to sex and I try to tell her that thats not what I'm all about. I wish we would go get counseling, believe me, I'm ready. She has had some women issues, but she won't even go to see if there is anything to for them. After our 3rd child, she had a very good doctor and she did ask him about some issues but she wouldn't do anything about them. I've asked her to go see him but she just declines and says that I don't know what I'm talking about. #3..I hope this message doesn't sound like I'm upset. I'm just trying to find new things to try so I won't lose hope, because that is the only thing that I think I have left.

On #1 That I have highlighted....Daily sex can be great....Maybe that is what she needs to wake her up again...She has become used to not having sex and is asexual. Her body is content...If she used to be good she still can be BUT she must be awaken...But only if she used to be good and was not faking it. Here only you can tell....There can be a faking woman to get a man and have children and then turn it off or a woman that is hot and for some reason turns cold. It is only you that knows how truly hot she was...Did she blow you and do all the sexual things that a woman does?..Did she love to suck on you???? .Did she open herself wide and let you look inside and let you play with her? These are normal things of marriage....Oh, and forget the normal things that you read about people having sex after they are married and older. I should write my own book... Those darn books have screwed more people up to start. They are written by people who take surveys from people who are sexless as far as I am concerned...We are more sexual than we have ever been in our life. Last year at Orlando we had sex three times a day for two days and two times a day for the other two...There is no such thing as normal and these jerks make a lot of money on books.

#2..You should be performing everything that you used to do plus add new things. That is the joy of sexual life. Yesterday I did something for my husband that even blew my mind... but good lord it was hot and I still will be writting it up on a blog....When I did this I thought he would drill me to the other side of the bed.....So, what is normal????

#3 You should be upset. You should be super PO. If it was my husband and I was your age we would have had a talk a long time ago...Honey.....I want sex...I want good sex...If you are not gonna give it to me then it is gonna be gotten somewhere else. I am not in a celibate marriage and if I wanted to be in this I would have been a Priest.....Much luck and love to you....Caroline