[muffin70]

The other night my wife was out at a Christmas party, and as we'd not had any sexual activity for a couple of weeks, I was feeling a bit frustrated and I 'relieved' myself. Being the honest husband that I am I confessed this to my wife after she'd got home..... she gave me that 'look' (as if to say how dare you do that) and asked why I couldn't hold on. I explained that I am a male and have needs and said I'd love it if she was in the mood more often.... I had to tread carefully because she had a minor knee operation about a month ago, and we've not been able to do anything other than missionary position for about 8 months. She just repeated the stuff she always does... 'we go to bed to late'.... 'I'm not a morning person'..... 'I need to be in the mood for it'..... I explained that we don't have to have sex all the time and that she can give me the occasional hand job or when she lies with her head on my chest she can massage my balls or something... but then everytime she gives me a hand job (which is pretty rare) as soon as I start to cum, she quickly takes her hand away as not to get any over her hand - and I have to finish myself off. then she tells me I have to get up straight away and clean myself off.
I love my wife to bits and she has made a real effort to lose 14 kgs in the last 3 months (surgeon said it would be good for her to reduce some weight for her knee) but I just wish she was more 'sexual'.... she seems happier to watch TV and do knitting in the evenings.
Last night I made a real effort and got to bed early, then had to get up as wife had not turned the TV or the lights off, then once in bed she was happy to read a magazine while listening to Talk back radio, then we went to sleep... I just can't win sometimes!

I don't want to demand more sex from my wife after 12 years of marriage (no kids) but I do want more sex - if you know what I mean?

[Something_Awesome]

It sounds like her libido is shot, and she has security issues (with you masturbating). It's almost a contradiction. She is not in the mood to have sex and then gets upset about feeling defecient when you orgasm without her? I wish there was somethting I could recommend, but she is being unreasonable. And her pulling her hand away just flat out sucks! Why not have her use her hand with a condom on then?

[muffin70]

It sounds like her libido is shot, and she has security issues (with you masturbating). It's almost a contradiction. She is not in the mood to have sex and then gets upset about feeling defecient when you orgasm without her? I wish there was somethting I could recommend, but she is being unreasonable. And her pulling her hand away just flat out sucks! Why not have her use her hand with a condom on then?

yeah - when she is turned on and in the mood it's great and we have good sex.... I'm not sure if it's menopausal related or not (she's mid 40's), but in the last 2-3 years she has been like this. It's like half the time I get an erection she will do anything to make it go soft so she doesn't have to 'deal with it'?
I old her once last year that the only to make my erection to go soft is to get the sperm out of it, and she laughed.
when she gives me a BJ (which is rarer that a HJ) we use a chocolate flavored condom and she will often finish me off by hand.
She does love me and last night she put her head on my chest and kissed my stomach and told me she loved me.....
but I think we'll have to have a talk about things.... I have a few fantasies and have told her abotu them. but she said she doesn't really have any
like you said maybe she does have a low libido?

[raindancer]

It sounds pretty selfish to not even want you to have solo fun. Has she always been like this about sex?

I'm sorry for you. Unfortunately, these problems are very difficult to solve.

You have to find out what excites her. Do you try the thing of kissing her neck and teasing her?

There's something that works really bad with us, women: sex on demand. You need to create the atmosphere, not just go upstairs and expect it to happen. I'm not trying to offend, nor underestimate you. I imagine you've tried lots of approaches.

Did you try the "like you mean it" approach? Married sex becomes boring for many, because it's too matter of fact, sometimes. Like friends who have sex, instead of lovers who can't wait a second to rip each other's clothes. That's one of the reasons a lover lights up a woman's libido. We like to feel irresistible.

As a desperate measure, you could offer her a copy of 50 shades. Badly written and all, it's got something that works for many a woman. Who knows, it may tickle yours.

Good luck!

[muffin70]

As a desperate measure, you could offer her a copy of 50 shades. Badly written and all, it's got something that works for many a woman. Who knows, it may tickle yours.
Good luck!

she has read all 3 of the 50 shades books and they had little effect on her.....
I'll try the kissing on the neck again, as she used to like that :-)

[Lexhill]

Muffin70: you are explaining something that sounds very equal to my wife. I am lucky that she does not mind to finish with her hands thought. My feelings are often that my wife can be selfish. To often I hear that a women needs this and that to be in the mood. I almost never hear a man say anything else then I need sex at least once a while. To be honest I would give so much to feel loved enough for my women to initiate sex and give me what I want once a while and placing her needs aside. Rather then me working my *** off for her to be in the mood to let me have sex with her once every 2-3 weeks. I understand that there are times where people are tired and libido are low etc. But sometimes a low libido can be caused by lack of sex. There has been studies who show that couples that go into a planned sex schedule with sex once a day for a period, will stay more sexually active afterwards.

I know a lot of husbands feel this way. Maybe the reason why some guys are dirt bags out there as well. they don't feel it's worth it to be a "good" husband/partner.

Please do not misunderstand. A women is not there to please their mans every need. But in a relationship both partners needs to participate and work to make it the best it can be. Meaning the husband often(not always) have to be better at being romantic and helpful in the home. While women often (not always) needs to be more loving and caring sexually. Maybe also a little more adventures.

I feel that to often there is a system where the Man always is responsible for getting the mood right. But I know there are a lot of couples who has the roles switched around.

When it comes to helping your situation. I will let you know if I can find a solution myself

[muffin70]

thanks for that... we did finally make love on Sunday and as usual I was very turned on because it had been about 2 weeks.
I lasted about 2 minutes before I unloaded inside her. It was great but short. I explained to her that if we had sex more regularly then I'd be able to last a bit longer. she says it doesn't bother her that I ejacul;ate quickly - as long as it's good for me... but that's the point - more sex would be good for me!

[Lexhill]

I've tried asking my wife if there are things I can do to increase her drive. Or what her feelings towards sex actually is. From that I've gotten some info but mostly does not know and kinda says well that's just how it is. Have you tried some of the same things? asking her to try to explain why she does not want it more? As long as your partner shows that she really likes sex and enjoys it. I feel that there needs to be a reason why they don't do something they enjoy.

[raindancer]

Lexhill, I understand your frustration. But people don't always know why they don't feel like doing something. If you think of yourself, you'll realize you're just the same.

From what I read and from what I hear, it's like your wife says: it just is... Sometimes something is good, feels good when you do it, but it is difficult to get started.

I love running. Yesterday, it was so difficult to get started. I had even changed into running gear and was about to give up going. Why? I have no idea. It just... was.

Think of it: you can't explain why you feel like having sex. I know you'll be tempted to say it is because it feels good. But think harder. It isn't a decision you make as in "hey, sex feels good, therefore, I'll feel horny right now". It isn't like this. I feel horny in spite of myself.

A trigger is seeing my man naked. I feel immediately horny. It isn't because sex is good. It is, because it is. Sometimes I see some eye candy somewhere and feel horny. It isn't like "sex is good, therefore I'll feel horny." I wasn't going to have sex with the eye candy guy.

I don't know if you get my point.

I'm trying to say that a person may think sex is great. But thinking that and feeling horny are two quite different things.

Can you really "feel" on demand? I bet you can't.

Being horny isn't about something you make a decision and you can control. You just feel. Or don't. It is a feeling. You can't really control it.

For some reason, you don't make your lady feel horny. It just is. You can't help it and she can't help it. It isn't as if you've done something wrong. Nor her.

My informed guess is that boredom counts for a lot, on lots of such cases. Perhaps not yours.

[kira]

I wonder if she doesn't have some really negative thoughts about sex that are interfering. The not wanting to make a mess contributes. With her not wanting you to masturbate and other things in your posts I think she does want sex. I think she does want to make you happy. The feeling just isn't there. How much touching do you do that is not a prelude to sex? My husband had a huge problem with that. He really does not feel the desire to do much touching when he knows sex isn't going to be involved. I've had to train him. Do you have a tv or computer in the bedroom you can watch movies on? A couch works as a start but eventually it's not as easy to have sex. Maybe get her interested in something that involves the both of you being in a position that makes touching easy. Then have no expectations and try various things that are unlikely to be taken as sexual at first. Women who haven't had a high sex drive recently tend to get very irritated if they think you are only doing something in order to get sex so don't have sex. Don't mention sex. Don't attempt to touch private parts for awhile. Just be there. Make the emotional connection again. Aside from situations where you can give nonsexual physical attention you can also do other activities together. Anything and everything that makes you interact more again. People fall in to these patterns after awhile where they are just entertaining themselves near each other without that connection.