[Texasred45]

My wife told me recently she thought I was "only nice when I want something" (sex) from her. While that's untrue, my first thought was, I can fix that: I'll stop being nice!
Instead, I took to being EXTRA nice, doing all the dishes, doing all the laundry, doing her chores as well as mine. And showing no interest in sex at all, even when SHE tries to start things, something I've almost never known her to do.

I'm rather enjoying turning the tables on her!

[Lexhill]

raindancer: You bring up some very good points. I did really get your running metafor. What I can figure out then is that I might be closer to a good answer if I ask if there are things she knows have triggered her feelings before. Maybe I can find ways to reuse these things. It is however a good point that if someone only does things when they want some action, the partner will get turned off by that even thought that action is a good trigger.

Some times I feel that a couple needs to give and take. You don't always have to "feel it" before it starts, but enjoy giving your partner what he or she want's maybe the mood comes while doing something.

I do things for my wife all the time. It does not matter if I am tired or annoyed. I enjoy to pamper my wife. Everything from making food/cooking, pick up things, other chores and child free evenings(Any longer is hard at the moment because of breast feeding is not something my body can do ). Sometimes I would like for that feeling to be mutual.

We do however have a very stressed filled time at the moment and I understand and respect her feelings of being tired and not wanting to jump in bed after a long day. We did however talk about sex recently and I asked her to at least shut me down with respect and tell me the honest truth about why. Instead of just giving me the cold shoulder that really hurts me. The cold shoulder often makes me question her love and feelings for me. She has also given me the honest answer once after that. She was afraid I would be mad, but as I told her when we talked and reassured her I was glad she opened up to me that way. That night ended with some loving kisses and smalltalk before going asleep, rather than me turning away hurt and angry with not even a kiss good night.

The problem for me now a days is my huge need for sexual contact. I feel more horny now than in my teens. being ready 24/7 and the fact that it actually effects my concentration and focus. I have tried to figure out why my libido have suddenly have had a huge increase. Wierd enough in a time where I have had a lot more to do then before.

Texasred: I've tried but I am not strong enough at this point to go through with it. I don't even know if that kinda "payback" is in my blood. I do however try to always be extra nice to give my wife more time to relax.


I feel this post got a lot longer than I was supposed to but my question would be, is it easier to ask about earlier experiences that have triggered my wife maybe?

[Funlife]

Is a serious problem in relation. sex might lead to love fading. sex is important in couple's life and future. good sex can solve a lot of relationship and family problem and matters, specially after having good sex season or night.
Low Libido may an issue but you also need to understand her why she not willing or won't like it. most over weight woman has problem on sex. May be she too active outside than at home and with you. are you push her too hard for sex or very demanding type? Try Tantric Sex.

[muffin70]

We sat down last night and had a talk about things..... she said she just can't be 'in the mood' every time I am.... yesterday morning I woke up with a throbbing erection, so leant over to kiss my wife and she said 'I'm tired"! - so I had to go into the bathroom to relieve myself.... then last night she asked me why I did things to myself (ejaculated) and I said it was because she wasn't in the mood.... then she said again that she is not a morning person...... then things got a bit personal and we both ended up getting upset...... I then just said "All I want to know is what do you want me to do to make you more in the mood for sex... please tell me"! So she then said if I go out and mow the lawn without being asked... do some weeding / gardening that makes her feel happy.... and she doesn't get in the mood if I spend 2 hours on the computer a night looking up Facebook, You Tube...etc... I explained to her I only go on the computer for 2 reasons 1) because I like it and 2) because she records and watches 2-4 programs a day that I don't like and am not interested in watching at all....
I said I'd rather sit on the sofa together and watch something we both like..... and by the time she has finished watching her programs, we watch some of the late news (10:30pm-ish) then it's time for bed and she is tired by then, so I said we need to put in a plan to get to bed earlier.
2 nights ago she opens a box of chocolates and starts eating them, offers me a couple... then says I shouldn't be eating them because I am diabetic! (type 2) So I told her she shouldn't be eating them in front of me.
Anyway we are making slow progress I guess......

[Texasred45]

Slow progress is better than no progress!

If you get to the point where I am, you'll find an "outside interest," but that's certainly not the ideal solution.

[Motorguy]

That's so true it really not. But many don't see it that way either. But I see you have and that's good then.

[JonDoe]

Do you either of you initiate a date night once a week?

Take the TV out of the bedroom ASAP. I'm a firm believer that TVs should not be in the bedroom.

If she says the two of you are going to bed too late, then initiate sex earlier. Put it on the schedule if you have to. I listened to a podcast for a while that suggested couples schedule an agreed range of days that each partner must inmate sex. So for example, his days might be Monday - Wednesday and hers might be Thursday - Saturday, with Sunday being a bonus day that either partner could initiate, if they wanted to, but no obligations from either spouse. Each partner is not initiating sex everyday on his/her days, they must each initiate sex once during there three day range. Spontaneous, not entirely, but much better than the alternative.

[JonDoe]

My wife told me recently she thought I was "only nice when I want something" (sex) from her. While that's untrue, my first thought was, I can fix that: I'll stop being nice!
Instead, I took to being EXTRA nice, doing all the dishes, doing all the laundry, doing her chores as well as mine. And showing no interest in sex at all, even when SHE tries to start things, something I've almost never known her to do.

I'm rather enjoying turning the tables on her!

I had a similar experience during my marriage. Whenever I tried talking to the wife about my needs, she immediately became defensive and had excuses for why we weren't having more intimacy and sex, and according to her it was always my fault, never hers. I suggested that we both try harder to speak each other's primary love language and she agreed. So I intentionally ramped up gradually in every way so that after a few weeks I was doing all of her chores and mine too as well as working 60 hours a week. All that she had to do was take care of herself, go to work, and make dinner for the family if I didn't make dinner, order out or take the family to a restaurant. I also planned date nights, gave back massages, left cute messages, sent flowers to her office for no special reason except to say 'I love you', listened like a girlfriend, and many other acts of kindness, which is her primary love language. I continued this for many more months, never once suggesting or making a move towards sex. A year later and she had not once initiated sex. Yes, we went an entire year without having sex together. During this time, we got along better than ever and rarely had a disagreement, but physical intimacy never improved. Her response was "Why do I have to be the one to initiate?" She swore it had only been a few months and that I was exaggerating. She always made promises to improve, but was never intentional for more than a few days. Eventually, I realized this relationship was never going to work for me.

[muffin70]

My wife likes it when I do things around the house.... e.g she will say something like "if you mow the lawns and fix that outdoor chair - it will make me very happy"... but my point is she should be happy with me anyway... I shouldn't have to do stuff around the house to get her 'in the mood'. I don't say to her "if you do the dishes and mop the floor - it will make me very happy".... if she said she was turned on and wanted to make love then I'd happily oblige -regargless of whether the sink was full of dishes or the floor was dirty....
my wife thinks sex / orgasms are messy and as soon as we do have sex I like to cuddle and kiss her, but she just wants me to get off the bed and clean myself up.

[JonDoe]

she has read all 3 of the 50 shades books and they had little effect on her.....

My wife read the 50 Shades trilogy as well, and it had a big affect on her at least while she was reading the books. She was masturbating everyday and twice a day on weekends. Her libido had never been higher before or since. In fact, I walked in on her masturbating 6 times before she finished reading the books, each time she was mad at me. Naturally, I asked to join in, but she refused either saying she just finished or was no longer in the mood. However, at least twice she finished after I left the room, which I know because I stood outside the door and she admitted to it later. At least one night that I am aware of I woke up to her masturbating next to me in bed. Until this time, she maintained that she never masturbated. Then tried telling me this was all new to her. When I asked if she was referring to the content of the books or the masturbating, she said both. However, I knew better because I had walked in on her without her knowing several times over the years and always respected her personal space, never mentioning what I saw her doing until now. After talking about it several times over the span of a few days, she eventually admitted that she had been dishonest with me and that she occasionally masturbated starting about 10 years prior, but it was only two or three times a year. I made it crystal clear that I was not upset because she was masturbating, but I was disappointed that she lied about all this time and that she was masturbating very frequently while reading the books and not including me in the fun. She also claimed that I had impeccable timing and walked in on her every single time. What fool would believe that lie and perhaps more importantly, what fool would think someone would believe that lie?

A year later, I bought her another popular erotic trilogy and asked that she include me when she got aroused. She agreed, but a few months later, she threw the books away without reading a single page or telling me that she threw them away. When I found out, she quoted the pastor who said pornography of any kind is immoral, addictive, destructive to the marriage, and against God's will. I don't think she threw the books away to spite me, but she had previously admitted to masturbating after rejecting me just to spite me.