[calibri~]

Hi guys back again for some advice.
Although most relationship areas have improved since I was last here, the physical stuff isn't really happening.

My partner tells me that he has a very high sex drive and wants sexual activity every day, if not several times, but he only occasionally asks for anything (hj or bj once a week or so) and very rarely goes out of his way to get me in the mood ( I'm talking once every few months maybe).
I feel bad that I'm a) not confident to make the first move if I'm magically feeling naughty, and b) that most of the time I just don't feel like it. I really want to be romanced and made to feel confident and sexy, and I'd like every now and then to see and feel some evidence of passion but my partner is just so inexpressive these days...I guess I'm wondering what I can do and what I can ask him to do to get things back on track...so any ideas?

[LilahX]

He's told you what he needs/wants and would like you to comply. A r/ship is equal so he should listen to what you need/want. End of story. You hit the nail on the head when you say 'what can I ask him...' - you've told us what you need -romance, attention and the intimacy that comes from non-sexual closeness. It's so easy to just let those things slide once the r/ship is established but they really are the backbone. Just tell him you need to feel desired (beyond him just telling you he wants sex with you). It sounds like it will be a learning process for him (and for you) but a r/ship is always evolving and we're always learning - if we don't, that's when things get stale. Good luck.

[Lexhill]

calibri~:
Just some questions.
1. Does he ever do anything to brighten your day? (Everything from bringing you a surprice, doing one of your chores, or anything else you view as romantic.)
2. Do you ever or how often seduce or initiate sex with him?
3. Do you get any treatment when you have sex?

I believe that some times one can quit or struggle to be romantic if they feel that it's not worth while. And I hope I don't offend you but I do believe that it's really easy to overlook the fact that someone does something for you even thought it does not feel that way in your daily routine. In my house my wife has the laundry chore, I do however often tell her to sit down and relax and I will fold and put it back. I don't think she even realizes that I do this as a loving/romantic action for her.

[JonDoe]

If I read and understood your initial post correctly, it can be summed up as "You don't feel comfortable to initiate sex and most of the time don't feel like having sex. Your partner wants sex everyday, but doesn't initiate the way you would like him to often enough." Is this correct?

Have you heard the phrase "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"?

I'll bet he wants to feel sexy, desired, romanced and seduced just as much or perhaps even more than you. Too often women make the wrong assumption that guys just want sex. I'm hear to tell you this is a wrong and potentially disastrous misbelief. Your idea of romance may differ slightly from his, but it is not entirely different nor is he just interested in getting off. He can do that all by himself.

Another bad assumption (that some women make): He should get hard just seeing me naked. While that may be true early in his life, as he ages it may require manual stimulation to achieve and maintain an erection. However, the relationship may impact his ability to easily achieve and maintain an erection long before age takes effect on his member. If he doesn't feel desired and rejection becomes the norm, then he may have trouble getting it up. Believe it or not ladies, guys need passion too. I can't speak for all guys of all ages, but seeing a woman naked is not enough to get me hard, she has to want me too and show it in various ways.

[calibri~]

LilahX - you make a good point. I have tried to tell him this but he just retaliates telling me that when we first got together I didn't want any romance or sentiment or anything (long story - I'm an emotional basketcase), but we've been together for YEARS now and my needs have changed, He used to be really sweet and romantic and loving but not any more. I think he sees telling me abruptly that of course he finds me sexy and wants my body etc as sufficient to make me horny - well - no, it doesn't work like that...

Lexhill- in answer to your questions:

1. He normally makes me dinner.
2. I have totally lost confidence in initiating sex. I feel physically hideous, undesired and when I make special efforts for my partner - I get my legs all smooth and silky and wear skirts and generally be playful and flirty he often dismisses me totally, or keeps asking whats wrong with me
3. I'm not sure I understand the question but if we have sex once in a blue moon, afterwards he is a less harsh and critical to me I suppose.

JonDoe - well you sure have some opinions don't you.

"I don't feel comfortable to initiate sex and much of the time don't feel like having sex. My partner wants sex everyday, but rarely initiates and blames it on me " would be more accurate

My partner does not respond to what I consider romantic gestures - he says they are stupid and people only do romantic things if they are guilty about something. I agree that he wants to feel wanted, but how do I manage that when he goes out of his way to make himself undesirable (see below)...I just don't know how to flatter someone who is flossing their teeth on the sofa....

As for your last paragraph - frankly I am offended that you have made this assumption about me based on nothing.

Maybe it would be helpful to link to an old thread I posted about a very similar topic some time ago - oh wait - all the old threads have dissolved! darn, as no-one who knew me here before has responded I guess I have to say things again. I fell for my partners charms, not his physique, and as he is no longer charming and shows me very little respect I find it difficult to find him attractive these days. We used to have a very active and varied sex life because I'm very open to trying new things, (and he's imaginative in that area) when I feel comfortable, but now that I've lost self-confidence (depression/anxiety stuffs) and am getting older, I feel really self-conscious and gross in all ways and am afraid of exposing myself in ways that I would currently find humiliating with my partner. :/ This might sound awful, but its not that I don't want sex at all, it just that I'm so used to being put down and belittled etc that I don't want to look weak, needy, pathetic or something of that nature... I'm afraid of expressing myself in case of further rejection.

Something really bizarre though is that whenever my partner tells me that he needs / wants more sexual activity, the next few days he is extra gross - he farts in bed and then giggles to himself - he scratches his backside in front of me, he burps loudly, pretends to flick snots at me, he calls me names like poobo or dumbbum or something equally stupid - yet does he expect me to then just pounce on him? seriously? I don't understand - is it some kind of game to see how far he can push me and still get sexual gratification?


oh wait - i found the old thread!

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/forum/family-relationships/relationships/57548-it-seems-like-everything-in-my-life-is-a-sexual-turn-off

[effy2014]

I see its back to the same old SO. You can ask him what you have been asking him for several months, you need romance. Most women do. I could not disagree with JD more (and, of course, I know the entire story) -- it IS the man's job to make his partner feel beautiful and desired. He will no doubt ignore it, but give him specifics . . . what you need him to do to create a romantic atmosphere. He will not do well with generalities. What he shouldn't do is also pretty clear and should be spelled out. Frankly, I don't think he is capable.

Another issue to grapple with how you can improve your own self image. You may need to find the internal motivation to start that process. It is very difficult when you do not have the support or encouragement from your partner, but it will make a world of difference to you. Sexiness is all in the brain (and you are crazy brilliant) and once you have the confidence in you, there may be more motivation to be intimate.

I will observe that JD is right on a global level (just not on point as it relates to you). Some men (me included) also need romance and to feel loved and desired. Although, I do get hard when my SO is naked, even if she is just changing clothes. Go figure.

[raindancer]

Calibri, why are you still with this man?

You're young and don't have children. Get rid of him and go find a man who'll make you feel like a woman. We only live once and you're wasting your life feeling miserable. Life is so, so, so very short!

Wouldn't be better to be alone than with a man that only makes you feel bad? And a life to match?

We live the life we choose, to a certain extent. There are things we can't change, but you talk about so many thing one can easily change!

You can be happy.

_____
JonDoe, I liked your post. It's got nothing to do with you, Calibri (my appreciation of JonDoe's post). It's just that I get the impression it's always all about women, as if men had no needs, as if men were unidimensional. I'd like to have the opportunity to discuss men more. It's always about women (well, I know this is called womens-health). If you feel like starting a thread to talk about men and their needs/feelings and other stuff, I'll be a regular customer, JonDoe. There are so many interesting and intelligent men in this forum. I'd love to learn more about men from them.

[calibri~]

Ah amazing effy, I was waiting for your wisdom to chime in! Yeah still with the same SO but we are arguing less and things aren't as erm abusive as they once were.
Hmm so I need to be specific? Ok I will try. Again.

Self image equalling sexiness, as you point out is a problem, see I don't think I'm a bit brilliant, and I don't have people telling me I'm much good at anything really.

Hi raindancer, argh....I know.....but....I do love him.

I agree that JonDoe makes good points but I don't really need a lecture about equality...

But what about saying he wants more sex then being downright objectionable?

[JonDoe]

JonDoe - well you sure have some opinions don't you.

Yes, I believe we all have opinions and are entitled to share them as long we are respectful, which I am and I believe other regular posters here would agree.

As for your last paragraph - frankly I am offended that you have made this assumption about me based on nothing.

I'm sorry if you took the last paragraph personally. I was simply sharing my thoughts about a general assumption that some people have just in case it could help someone, thus it was not directed at anyone specifically. I edited the post to hopefully remove any chances of anyone thinking otherwise.

In the end, my thoughts and opinions don't matter much. After all, they are just that, my opinions. My genuine suggestion to you is work with your partner on Improving communication and self-confidence before worrying too much about the libido and the sex. Most of us are not master communicators or super models, but we owe it to ourselves to try to leverage our strengths and improve our weaknesses.

I wish you and your partner the best.

[calibri~]

Thanks for explaining Jon, sorry if I was a bit touchy. Opinions and thoughts matter a whole lot, they make us who we are. As it happens. Seeing me naked is usually sufficient for my partner to physically respond, he just doesn't act on it!

Righty Ho, build confidence huh? Back to ye olde therapist with me then (sigh)