[Lexhill]

I wonder if anyone have any experience with this. As some of you have seen I have been struggling quite a bit with my situation lately. As I don't like to blame others I have been looking to my self quite a bit. And there have been a few things that I've found searching in myself.

I struggle a lot with my concentration. From what I used to, I feel that I get nothing done anymore.
I took 2 online surveys placing me with sexually compulsive disorder.
I feel that I can at times annoy my wife with my fixation.
I feel the need fantasies all the time. Meaning more that 15 times a day.
After a good sexual encounter with my wife I usually have about 48 hours of normal life. (1-3 fantasies a day, more productive and happier within)

When it comes to my sexual situation.
Masturbation happens daily.
Sex with my wife 2-4 times a month. More like 2. Was a couple of weeks with more, that's gone away again. (I felt better in that period)
My fantasies usually contains me and my wife.
I do not in any way feel the need to stimulate my needs outside my marriage.

On a daily basis I believe most people don't see my internal struggle. I get messages from coworkers, and other people comments on a regular basis my good mood and happy attitude. I have noticed that I am keeping a lot more to my self the last 6-12 months. The last 2-3 it's been commented quite a few times how quite I've become.

Does anyone have any tips or experience that can help me sort this out. Because I'm starting to feel extremely depressed inside. As for contacting a psychologist I have a really hard time even considering it. It's kinda connected to a ultimate failure in my mind.

Even posting about it here with an anonymous account is hard.

[JonDoe]

For the last several years of my marriage, I would at times feel "addicted" to sex despite the fact that (or perhaps because) I was getting it so infrequently. At times, it felt like it was beginning to consume me, while other periods of time I suppressed the feelings deeply. Some say there is a natural cadence for men where the urge is (at least partially) satiated for 2-3 days after sex and as such most healthy married couples should strive to have sex at least twice a week. For me that rang true, after 3-5 days of no sex, I could feel myself more easily irritable and less patient, which in turn caused me to become more quiet over time as a means of avoiding conflict. Going without sex in my marriage for months at a time was nearly unbearable. I finally made the decision to leave after 25 years, but only after trying everything possible to make the marriage work.

[JonDoe]

How long have you been married? How long have the two of you had sex as little as twice a month? Is the sex satisfying for both of you? How is your marriage outside the bedroom? Have you talked to your wife about needing sex more often? Have you shared some of your fantasies with your wife? Has she done the same with you?

Most counselors don't have a clue about anything related to sex. If you decide to seek counseling, make sure to find someone with experience related to sex and physical intimacy instead of just choosing a counselor in your health plan.

[DreamP346]

Be careful with the sex addition definition. It's thrown around a lot but the reality is even the experts don't really understand it. There isn't even consensus on it actually existing. Whatever you have read on sexual addiction, most is just speculation and not based on scientific fact.

Based on what you have written, what you describe seems more of a relationship issue that a physician condition (sex addiction or otherwise). I get in a bad mood when I have a chocolate craving but don't get any. I might jokingly refer to it as a chocolate addiction but it is not a medical condition. Similarly you desire a certain amount of sexual contact with your wife. When you don't get it, you become irritable. That is not an addiction.

[atskitty2]

I agree that sexual "addiction" is blamed for a lot of behaviors that are really nothing more, in my estimation, than someone who's needs are not fulfilled. And generally, I've not observed those needs (of the accused) to be outside the usual needs of most of us.

Lex, what you describe, to me sounds like sexual deprivation, not sexual addiction.

[effy2014]

I agree with Dream and Kitty. What you describe is deprevation coupled with extreme frustration. The only way to sort it out is to sort out your relationship. Your wife views your need for sex as whining . . . it's not. She needs to see the importance of intimacy to your emotional connection to her, to your view of yourself and to your entire outlook on life. My suggestion would be couples therapy.

[jns]

I agree with effy's description as well as what kitty and Dream said. You two are sexually mismatched. If a reasonable compromise is not found, the mismatch will tear at your relationship.

[Lexhill]

Thanks for many good answers. First of believe me I did not and do not take the sexual addiction word lightly. That's why I've been struggling a lot since taking the screening test. I could not believe the answer it gave me. I did search up a lot of information and I found that some match and some not. But even then I was not convinced. I therefor turned to this place as I've seen there are a lot of knowledge and experience here. As I said it was hard even posting it here. I struggled with it from Monday to Friday last week, when I finally posted it.

Some of the reasons why I took the screening test's was my complete lack of concentration. My boss would have fired me a long time ago if he knew how little I've been able to do the last year. Luckily for me he has not been able to to his job either(In anyones eyes). I've become a lot more forgetful and I push things infront of me instead of tackling them like I used to. I've come to a point where this is controlling me, instead of the other way around. I have also started to seek places where I can be for myself and do my own thing.

Sexual deprivation on the other hand seems a lot more matching for my situation. I've searched it up and tried to pull out the factual\common points from different people/experts, and it fit's a lot more.

JonDoe:
The interval of about 2 times a month has been there more or less the last 3 years probably. Since midway the first pregnancy. We have been married about 5 and together for over a decade. The last year before the pregnancy the interval was about once a week before that is was never a problem it was often enough for me not to think anymore about it. When it comes to satisfying it's become less and less satisfying over the same time period. It is however once a while the act is just as satisfying as ever or more even. It's just so long between them. this is my view. For her part she has never said or done anything that makes me think she is anything else then satisfied with the sex, but I feel she has a problem with the focus around it. When I ask she says everything is good. I however don't quite believe her when it comes to that because of 2 reasons. If she thinks sex feels as great as she tries to tell me, there would be bigger wish for it. The other reason is her often negative reaction to talking about it.

When it comes to talking to my wife about this I've done so several times. She's usually very unresponsive. I have however gotten more responses lately as I've focused more on my psychological state in this and my feelings are around it. I've also pushed the fact that I need to stimulate her needs for her to gain the interest in sex as well. Often her response when I talk about it is that she is to tired or that her energy level it to low because of less sleep with 2 children.

When it comes to fantasies I've shared some but the thinks I'm over thinking the whole subject and don't want to talk about it(Of course I do, that's what I'm struggling with). I've also tried in different ways to ask her to share her fantasies. I always get the answer she does not have any. I find it strange, but in some way I might actually believe it in a way.

The non sexual part of our marriage is very good.

We did however newly have the best sexual encounter in a long long time in my mind. I planned everything before it even happened, trying to make it more pleasurable for her and more fun for her. So even thought there where a lot of thinking involved it was great. I've figured out I need to make an effort for her to get a fun and relaxed view on sex, and not just a sensual look. Maybe it can improve things.


Thanks again for all the good answers.

[DreamP346]

I'm glad you are researching the matter and trying to make an effort. Some sexual experts that I like to follow are:
Laci Green: She has a FB and YouTube site that is really good. She just put out a video about sexual boredom with long time partner and how to overcome it.
Dr. Justin J. Lehmille: also has a FB page. It's called The Psychology of Human Sexuality

Both are great resources, check them out.

You mentioned your wife saying she is always tired. Have you planned some alone time where you go away for the weekend or the kids go to the grandparents for the weekend? If so, does sex improve doing that time? If so, then improving your sex life in easy. Get your wife some help with the kids so she will have more energy. I know it's an expense, but it may be better than losing your job over being too distracted.

[effy2014]

Lexhill, analyzing what you have written (and, I must stress, without knowing you or your wife, I could be wrong), I do not believe that you are getting truthful responses. Yes, your wife is probably tired, but that is not a reason for intimacy twice a month. She is not trying because it is not important to her and, as I previously wrote, I doubt she understands the importance to you (other than men always want sex). I think it is important that she understand the effect of the lack of intimacy on your life. I also think you have a right to know the real reason she has shut down sexually.

I doubt that you can have this conversation without facilitation by a counselor or therapist. If this situation continues, it will eat away at your marriage until you feel no other option than to find a mistress. My suggestion is to solve the issue now.