[muffin70]

I think the best thing to do is talk to your wife about things.... tel her your fantasies...etc... With 2 young kids your wife may not be 'in the mood' as much as before, but the best thing to do is tell her how you feel.... and ask her about how she feels and what you could do to put her more in the mood for sex.

I had a good talk to my wife last year about my fantasies and things in general, and things between us in the bedroom are much better. She sometimes will wear a sexy scarf around her neck / breasts without me even asking as she know that turns me on.

[oxy-moron]

You are suffering from the effects of excessive masturbation,
Google reddit no fap.
The effects are as you describe- brain fog and lack of motivation, The chemistry behind it is that is explained on the no fap sites.(Also associated with porn)
Interestingly enough one of the things that participants/abstainers notice(and there are a lot now.) Is that the longer they abstain the more interested females become with them.

Good luck.

[Lexhill]

oxy-moron: I have read up on a little of this NoFap movement. I do not disregard that it may have an effect in the right circumstances. But I do not think it's the cure for everything either. I have tried different things my self as well NoFap/NoPorn being a thing I've tried. Not for months and months. But I have had a try for up to a month. Finding myself even more frustrated and unfocused. I do however see that I've been on the other side as well with to much fapping to stimulate the physical needs. that does not work either. In addition it kinda gave me a little guilt feeling. I've since been able to revert to 1-2 times a week.

After that I've had many different thoughts and feelings about different things but when it comes to the fapping part I do not struggle much with that anymore. And I do not have any problems getting it up in the bedroom as many of the NoFap people refer to. The standing ovation is usually in place far more then wanted. I've had a couple of really bad situations because it's been craving attention at unwanted times. I've figured out that the unwanted blood flow problem is a lot more problematic when having kids I've been lucky that I have been able to hide it.

[raindancer]

Lexhill: I'll try to explain.

Sublimating is putting the efforts you'd put on something, on something else. You're perhaps doing it: the energy you'd put on sex, you're investing on other facets of your relationship.

Why did I think of it? You've said the rest of the relationship is very good. When I've talked about sublimating the sexual thing, I meant to say you're probably putting the energy you'd rather be spending on sex, on something else. On everything else. So, you make a lot of positive contribution to your relationship and that makes it be so good. But what you really want (not exclusively, but mainly, at this moment in time) is sex. You don't get the sex, so you replace it, within the relationship, with effort in other fields. Your wife is pleased with everything else, all of your contributions to the relationship.

And that's a perverse effect. I'll explain. If everything is wonderful, except for the one thing you care the most, and she cares the least (sex), why would she move an iota to make things better? From her point of view, it is perfect! She's into a very good relationship. All her needs and expectations are fulfilled.

But what about you? You say everything is very good, everything else. Is "everything else" that much, when what you need the most isn't there?

Sex is often downplayed in society. I mean to say it's treated as a fancy, as something you can live without, you can cease to pursue. Something that should be minor. When one of you decides to withdrawal sex, the other one kind of has to accept it nicely. Please, nobody misunderstand me: I'm not implying one should NOT accept it! I'm just stating how things are. She's denying it, because she doesn't feel desire. She can't help it. You can't force yourself to feel desire. But you do feel desire. You can't help it either. It's hormonal, it's the making of evolution. And the thing that keeps society happy (downplaying sex).



Effy: thank you so much for your compliment! Thank you!

[Lexhill]

Raindancer: I've thought about what you said and I don't know if I'm testing this the right way. But I kinda got the feeling the other day that I am putting way more effort into my relationaship then my wife. What kinda triggered that for me was that even on things I've started doing to please her got a kinda grumpy feedback, after realizing that it happened several times in a row. So I try to tone down things a little. Do a little less for her, expect a little more and so on to see if she starts to do more to please me. I will do this for a little while then return to my usual self.

[JonDoe]

And that's a perverse effect. I'll explain. If everything is wonderful, except for the one thing you care the most, and she cares the least (sex), why would she move an iota to make things better? From her point of view, it is perfect! She's into a very good relationship. All her needs and expectations are fulfilled.

But what about you? You say everything is very good, everything else. Is "everything else" that much, when what you need the most isn't there?

This in a nut shell explains my marriage to my now ex-wife. She was perfectly happy unless I was sharing how unhappy I was suffering during very long periods of time without sex and other forms of physical intimacy. She couldn't understand why I wasn't satisfied with sex once or twice a month, which would sometimes expand to having no sex for several months at a time. She couldn't understand why I wanted to cuddle before going to sleep, after sex, or while watching a movie. She couldn't understand why I wanted to kiss passionately, which she referred to negatively as "making out like teenagers". We loved each other very much, but each thought the other was bizarre regarding our views on sex and physical intimacy in the last half of the marriage.

Sex is often downplayed in society. I mean to say it's treated as a fancy, as something you can live without, you can cease to pursue. Something that should be minor. When one of you decides to withdrawal sex, the other one kind of has to accept it nicely. Please, nobody misunderstand me: I'm not implying one should NOT accept it! I'm just stating how things are. She's denying it, because she doesn't feel desire. She can't help it. You can't force yourself to feel desire. But you do feel desire. You can't help it either. It's hormonal, it's the making of evolution. And the thing that keeps society happy (downplaying sex).

So true!

[effy2014]

JD: I think it is more of Mars/Venus conflict (although I admit that several women write on this board that their husbands don't want sex). When the relationship goes stale or, just with age, I think women can just shut down sexually more easily then men. That's where you more easily see mismatched libidos (early in the marriage everyone seems to have a libido, forced or not). My ex's idea of sex after children was "do me Romeo" once a month or so. No kissing/no foreplay before or after. Always lots of excuses, but I think she was just not interested.

As I have written, men are not usually emotional creatures. Wives want their husbands more engaged in the partnership side of the relationship and husbands want more of the physical side. It would seem to be the obvious give and take. Yet, Raindancer is right. No one should feel forced into sex and the party (usually the man) who wants more of a physical relationship is expected to just comply. What usually happens is an affair or divorce. It seems to me, both should just try harder to meet the needs of their spouses.

[raindancer]

Lexhill, what you describe is so very sad.

It is sad we can't just be ourselves and do things in a natural way. We feel we're been neglected, or abused, and we start to hold back, to expect a return on things. Totally understandable, because we're just human, but it is a pity we, people full of love to give, can't find other people who are ready to receive and who feel genuine pleasure in reciprocating. Then we get tired of giving, giving, giving, and we start to hold back, to feel resentment...

So, people full of love and potential to love, replace part of this beauty for negative feelings and negative thoughts.

[Motorguy]

JD: I think it is more of Mars/Venus conflict (although I admit that several women write on this board that their husbands don't want sex). When the relationship goes stale or, just with age, I think women can just shut down sexually more easily then men. That's where you more easily see mismatched libidos (early in the marriage everyone seems to have a libido, forced or not). My ex's idea of sex after children was "do me Romeo" once a month or so. No kissing/no foreplay before or after. Always lots of excuses, but I think she was just not interested.

As I have written, men are not usually emotional creatures. Wives want their husbands more engaged in the partnership side of the relationship and husbands want more of the physical side. It would seem to be the obvious give and take. Yet, Raindancer is right. No one should feel forced into sex and the party (usually the man) who wants more of a physical relationship is expected to just comply. What usually happens is an affair or divorce. It seems to me, both should just try harder to meet the needs of their spouses.

Well one word you must use here is communicate. So many married couple get a F in this part of the marriage. When things go stale in the marriage a lot of finger pointing happens but it takes two people to tango. Instead of pointing blame at each other but work through it with counseling or except the fact you both are wrong.