[Dark_Crazy_Lover]

Hi, my boyfriend and I are very serious in this relationship. He is 30 and I am 21. We plan to get married in about 5 years. And we won't have sex until we get married. There are a lot of norms in our society so we can't share any kind of sexual activity until we get married. We can't even kiss.
I am extremely worried that by the time we get married he will be old and not as young and spiritfull , and I will be disappointed with my sex life. I am scared that by the time he is 40 and growing older he will not be as passionate and we will not share the same romantic passionate feelings. I am afraid he will not feel like making out anymore when he grows older, and he will be more into just the sex part.
Am I over-thinking? Are my assumptions wrong?
If my fears are right, what should I do? I love him and he will be my husband anyway.

[Motorguy]

First of all why you waiting five years is there a reason for this. I can under stand no sex but no kissing that seems very extreme to me on that idea. By the way are you both very religions with you both going on with this pack on no sex or kissing before marriage. You will need to let the rest of us know more of why you are waiting. This long to get married to a guy you love it seem to me you like to have sex now. I have a feeling you are most likely climbing the walls by now without it. I think you won't be able to hold out this long. But more detail is needed to give a better answer on this matter thank you.

[Claret]

Who decided that the two of you needed to wait 5 more years until you get married? Are you getting advanced degrees? Is he saving up to buy you a house? A giant engagement ring? That is a very long time in this day and age to be in an engagement.

As Motorguy said I think we need to know more of the background situation before advising you on what we really think about this.

As to your questions however, who said a man can't and won't be as passionate or proficient a lover as one that is 5 years younger? What will be missing though is 5 years of discovery, 5 years of finding out what makes each other tick, 5 years worth of experience between you. What will be missing are 5 years during which you could be bearing children (assuming you want them).

[effy2014]

The OP is from Bengladesh, which is a very conservative society. Even discussing premarital sex is very taboo. However, the OP seems caught between the two worlds . . . she wants a fulfilling sex life within a culture that does not seem to be very female friendly in that regard.

However, Dark Crazy Lover, men can stay passionate their entire lives. I am in my 50s and still enjoy making out with my girlfriend. Sex does not have to be the "goal". Even when you are married, go slowly. Enjoy the exploration of each other's touch and bodies. You will have to "train" your husband how to please you . . . he may be "old" in relation to your age, but I am sure that he is somewhat modern and will want to make sure that you are happy. Don't be shy about telling him in private what you want and need.

[Angela1103]

I'm sorry to hear that your culture frowns upon any kind of sexual activity before you are married, including kissing. It seems like some of the other posters didn't realize that your culture is so much different from theirs.
It sounds really frustrating to be prohibited from showing affection towards each other for such a long period of time. Only time will tell where your relationship will take you five years from now, however. Who knows, maybe things will feel even more passionate between the two of you by the time you marry.
I wish you the best.

[raindancer]

OP, you say you love him and he'll be your husband anyway. If that's so, the only thing you can do is to hope he'll make you happy. The age gap is huge.

You can try to make communication something important in the relationship, so that when something goes wrong, you can at least talk.

Good luck.

[Dark_Crazy_Lover]

Hi all. Thank you all for your kind suggestions. I have to wait five years because he has high hopes, like he wants to go abroad, preferably USA and have a good job before we can get married. And we do not want children at all. All I want is very romantic life, e.g. I like kissing in the rain, watching the sunset together holding hands, etc. He is kinda uninterested about things like watching the sunset together. That's what scares me that when he gets older he will be more practical than romantic. I go through a lot of sexual frustration. There are certain places here which are dark and kinda available for kissing and making out sort of. Sometimes I would ask him to go there but he refuses, and I feel extremely insulted. And that causes me a great deal of frustration too.
About training him what makes me happy, I am kinda uneasy. I don't want to force him to do something that doesn't come from him naturally. Am I too complicated?
I feel very very embarrassed when I am showing too much sexuality and he is not feeling the same.

[Motorguy]

Well Dark Crazy Lover, you really need to discuss this with your boy friend now with your feeling in this relationship. You seem already concern about it all. I know he's not going to just wake up sexually in five years after you get married and have this romantic side. So let him know now you want to be somewhat romantic now before marriage. He's already told you he's not into romantic setting or kissing this will not change after marriage at all period. I wish you the best of luck as you have a lot to think about for the future.

[raindancer]

I agree with Motorguy.

I don't know you, so, I'm going to write to a hypothetical figure of my imagination. Only you will know if it applies to you. Probably not, since we don't know each other.

You're already not satisfied now. The future won't be brighter. Don't think you can change a man (or woman), because you can't. And if you're with someone already thinking they'd be nice if they'd change this, or that, it isn't too fair with them, either. He isn't romantic, he won't become romantic. Certain things you just can't force yourself to do, or feel in a way you don't.

And you have a blockage about communication and hung ups about telling him how you feel and what you want. So, you won't tell and he won't try to find out, because it isn't his thing.

He's telling you how he is. You're ignoring what he's telling you, downplaying it, hoping time will make him someone else with respect to intimacy.

At 21, you're already frustrated with a man you won't marry, or have sex with, for the next 5 years. 5 years is about 1/4 of the life time you've already lived. It is a long time to be frustrated, then to marry and look back and regret it.

Perhaps your culture is such that all you expect of life is following a man around and doing what he wants, when he wants and the way he wants. I'm sure there are women out there who are perfectly happy living this way. If you're not one of them, if your personal satisfaction counts, them you probably should think of the time scale of all of this, and of who this man really is, as opposed to who you fantasize he'll become.

We, women, have the bad habit of ignoring what men tell us. They're saying things the way they are, but we're totally ignoring and not seeing the real man, but some idealized version of him, the fairy tale version of him. It isn't their doing. It is our way of thinking, just like society taught us to do, with the imbecile-zing kind of upbringing women get.

You can become conscious of who he really is, with his help even, because he's telling you, and decide for yourself what to do.

From his point of view, he's securing a woman who's almost a decade younger and who is living life exactly the way he decided life should be lived, following his timing to the letter. Why should anything change on his side?

What are you going to build for yourself during these 5 years of waiting?

[atskitty2]

Is this an "arranged" marriage, as we call them, in the West?
I am not one to encourage anyone to throw their culture, customs, family values away when they believe in & value those traditions. I agree with raindancer, tho. I'll go a step further & say that, you don't seem to adhere to the cultural expectations either. You say there are opportunities for kissing, and he won't, so I get the impression, you're willing to ignore those expectations & step outside the boundaries, and he simply isn't of the same mind. If you were also dedicated to these traditions, I think you'd not be seeing opportunities to break them.

Also, you say that you don't want to force him into something that doesn't come from him naturally. But, you will place yourself in the position to ignore that which flows from yourself naturally? (Your sexuality?) Do you see how this is out of balance?
You are setting yourself for a long life of frustration & unhappiness. You are with a man whose romantic notions do not meet your own needs, and if he cares to try, he will continually be struggling to meet your needs that don't match his "natural inclinations". And you will be unfulfilled, and struggling to find answers for that void. And he'll be continually frustrated for his lack of success in pleasing you...that is, if it is important to him, and he cares to make that effort. My guess is, he won't be dedicated in that regard, the way you will need him to be.

It seems to me you two are incompatible physically & emotionally, and maybe socially, if you are more liberal as it seems you are.
And as rain asks, what are you doing for yourself in these long 5 years of waiting?