[muffin70]

Ask yourself why her gardening tool is so important that she claims to offer to do anything you want her to do in the bedroom, but otherwise she isn't willing to do so. My ex-wife made these kinds of promises all the time, but very rarely kept her word. In fact, numerous times I found out that she had no intention of keeping her promise from the beginning, yet didn't think of it as lying or being deceitful. Narcissistic people are like this.

yes - I have wondered that myself.... she said if I find her gardening tool she would wear a sexy scarf and give me a blow job, but when I told her I was out of flavoured condoms (I always wear one for a blow job) and she would have to give me a 'normal' one the look on her face was priceless.
I have asked her why to I have to do 'special' things to earn sexual favours on the bedroom? It's not like I tell her to do the dishes and clean the bathroom before I will do anything for her.....

trust me I love my wife dearly and have no intention of leaving her

[kdc]

. . . she said if I find her gardening tool she would wear a sexy scarf and give me a blow job . . . I have asked her why to I have to do 'special' things to earn sexual favours on the bedroom? It's not like I tell her to do the dishes and clean the bathroom before I will do anything for her.....

Kind of sounds like a form a prostitution to me.

I think I'd have to ask her to think about this: Next time she asks for something she really wants, how would she feel if you told her she'd have to put out and give you everything you wanted in bed.

And if it's any consolation to you, I'm a woman and wouldn't be able to watch the TV shows she expects you to watch with her. ;-)

[DreamP346]

in no way was I blaming my wife for me watching porn.... I just confessed that occasionally I look up porn and I'd rather make love to my wife than look up porn...

It's not about intention. It's about perception. As I pointed out, I'm not saying you were blaming your wife. But the way you answered her can very easily be perceived as blame. Something I learned in my sex therapy class. Always talk to you partner in "I feel" "I think you do" "I wish you would do" instead of "you don't do" "you ignore" "you don't care". Make yourself the active person instead of telling her what she does/says/thinks/wants etc. Makes communication a lot better.

[Texasred]

I'd go out and hide ALL her garden tools!
lol

[caster]

Muffin, there are women on this site that no matter what any man does it's wrong, so don't even try to defend yourself against them. Especially if porn is involved in the conversation. I've yet to figure out what's the difference between women reading steamy romance novels and men watching porn, when it's widely known and excepted that women are literal and men are visual in their stimuli.

I understand exactly where you are though, the only difference is my wife doesn't care about the porn, we'd occasionally (once a year maybe) watch one together, and although I do still watch some maybe once or twice a month, it's more of a "I want to at least see someone having sex" than anything. I can do it myself without the porn.
30+ years together and she sounds about like your wife, more interested in her daily routine to see that while she may respect us as a husband, friend and confidant, she does not appreciate us as a "physical man" that wants, needs and desires to have sex with the women he loves more than anything. I get that, I live that every freakin day.

Sounds like we both have good marriages but with sexually incompatible wives. For me it used to not be that much of an issue, but while my level has maintained and in some ways increased hers has dropped to zero and it's getting to my breaking point. I have no answer for you, I have no idea how to re-light the fire for her. Over the years I've tried about every helpful hint ever printed for rekindling the passion.
It's not about watching one show for one night, one deed for one deed, those type things are helpful for short term ruts we all get in. What it's really about is an internal desire and passion for the other person that the other person has little control over.

Once we've discussed and tried all we know how it's really up to them at some point, either they wake up from the fog and realize they're killing the marriage or it dies and they wonder why.
I'm at the point now where I'm thinking of writing her a long letter so she can see it in black and white. Gestures, deeds and the spoken word isn't getting through.

[Texasred]

Sounds like we both have good marriages but with sexually incompatible wives.

Wow, that's an odd definition of a "good marriage!"
It may sound extreme, but I moved away for the better part of the last 3 years, working in a city over 1,000 miles away and returning for a weekend about once a month. Turned out, my wife and I had sex more often with that arrangement than when we were living in the same house.
I think it shook her up just a bit and made her rethink things: she was actually surprised when I returned home. And things were much better between us, sexually speaking, for the first several months after I returned. Now, however, it's gotten back to where it had been - we're more like roommates than lovers, and on those rare occasions when she is "in the mood," it's more like she's doing me a favor than doing it for the joy of it...
So, in summary, I can't think of anything really helpful to say, except to suggest that you (Muffin) might want to re-evaluate how much longer you want to stay in this relationship. I know I am.

[caster]

Tex, I guess it's all in how you define a "good" marriage. If it was a grading system of: F-Poor. D-Satisfactory. C-Good. B-Great. A-Excellent.
No one I'd rather spend my life with? Compatible on about every other level? Attracted to her? etc... Yep! If we were more compatible in our sex life I'd consider it a great if not excellent marriage. But overall I'd score ours as a C+

I'm hoping to open her eyes, I know at this stage of our lives we don't want to start over, so if possible I'd like to fix this issue. If it can't be then yeah, it's evaluation time as I hope to have another 20-30 years on this earth, and living them in a sexually incompatible marriage isn't what I want.
At times I do feel like we're just really good roommates, so I get what you mean. Sadly I believe a lot of women think once they have us they can dial it back or turn it off and we'll take whatever we can get. And to some extent that's probably true.
Kind of like the old joke: Why is a new bride smiling? Because she thinks she'll never have to give another blowjob.

[DreamP346]

Sadly I believe a lot of women think once they have us they can dial it back or turn it off and we'll take whatever we can get. And to some extent that's probably true.
Kind of like the old joke: Why is a new bride smiling? Because she thinks she'll never have to give another blowjob.

I am going to have to disagree with your view that I find based on sexist ideas of what women want sexually. Wives AND husbands behave this way and it has nothing to do with gender. They do so because they are selfish, have a low sex drive, have problems in their relationships and/or a number of other issues. It has nothing to do with their gender. I sympathize with your situation and anybody else who find themselves in sexually incompatible relationships. But you need to look at yourself, your wife, your relationship, social and cultural pressures, your family to figure out why this issue has arisen. It may be true that she does not put the effort into the relationship because she feels secure in the marriage and does not feel like she has to work on it. But that is your wife's issues. Not her gender.

[atskitty2]

"there are women on this site that no matter what any man does it's wrong, so don't even try to defend yourself against them. Especially if porn is involved in the conversation."

Caster, the women here are not on the offensive, but we've been perceived to say something to defend against? Ok, but we're trying to help. Not all of us are against porn, and I think very few of us are believers that men can do no right. I certainly am not in those categories. I do understand it's difficult to be in this situation, and over the years of built up frustration, it's hard to hear anything anyone may have to contribute to a constructive conversation on the topic, that may involve any changes in your own behaviors or perceptions of reality.

And as DreamP touches on something above, I will go a step forward if I may, & encourage you to ditch the stereotypes that you seem to be mired in.

So, I use the example above to help demonstrate that you need to listen to what your wife may be saying to you. Just hear it & don't bring any preconceived thoughts with it. Just listen and hear it. You're here, taking our comments & running with them as negative things to stand up against & defend. They are nothing of the sort. They are observations, conclusions we've drawn based on the comments you make. We don't know you, your wife or the dynamic in the relationship. You're taking something personally, that is meant only as a contribution to, what I hope is, your own evaluation of the scenario, based on a few minutes look by us, from way outside?

Could it be your perception of your wife's requests & needs are also misunderstood? Maybe, as the OP says, all she's asking for is the sacrifice of a couple hours watching some dreaded show...maybe it's the act of him giving his time, knowing he'd hate it, that would mean something to her? When a woman candidly says what she wants, and a man ignores it....??? and then he wonders why she still won't do as he wants? Seriously? Y'all don't see that?
So there again, we have the difference in how we see things. I'm a woman, and that seems so obvious. To OP, it's just not something he's willing to do. Nothing wrong with that, but it also has to be accepted that when we do see things so differently, and refuse to try to meet our partners half way, that there will be no meeting halfway, and neither side is gratified in that.

Someone's gotta be the first to give in every situation...sometimes it's going to be you, sometimes it should be her. Nobody is claiming she's right, or he's wrong...it just doesn't seem too much to give, to watch some mindless tv for a few hours if that's what she wants...she said that's what she would like.

My ex-hubby was a flea market enthusiast. Personally, I liken it to plunging headlong into a vat of putrid filth, and would maybe rather BE IN a vat of filth...but I went along for him. There was nobody he'd rather spend a free Saturday with, and I wanted to be with him, so I accompanied him a few times a year. There's something to be said in giving up something of ourselves, to please our beloved. I didn't get anything out of the experience. He didn't pull me lovingly into his arms, or take me passionately in the truck after meandering those countless flea market aisles, as I'd often wished he would...but I did something FOR him only. His way of showing affection was to offer some of the fudge that HE thought was delicious...I thought it was horrible. We thought very differently about the whole experience. Neither right, neither wrong. He knew I hated the whole day, and he DID appreciate my sacrifice. I also didn't grumble & carry on in misery all day either. Sometimes we just need to do things for those we love. They may not reward us in the way we hope, but recognizing their offering of affection, in whatever form it may come, is valuable.

It's about understanding each other. Listening & caring about the other & what means something to THEM. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't, but the only way to determine that, is to do it. And that's regarding sexual satisfaction & other things.

[caster]

Being on a women's forum discussion I didn't think it necessary to quantify the meaning of "a lot of women" to also include "and a lot of men" But I probably should have used the word "some" instead of "a lot of"
The fall off of intimacy is probably the number 1 issue within a relationship. That excludes the stuff like kids, job, money, home etc... this is addressing only the personal part of a relationship.
If a proposal went like this: "Honey, let's get married" was replied with: "Yes, and soon after we can stop having sex" Just how many marriages do you think would happen?
Does anyone go into that thinking it will happen? Doubtful, but for one person to do it and not seen the hurt it's causing the other is one blind and/or selfish person.

Listening and caring should be normal everyday things for a couple but I am so over trying all those little things that are suggested to "try" and coax intimacy out of her. Been doing all of those whole heartedly for years to help us improve as a couple, and without expecting rewards. I don't want a reward, no man, or woman, should be treated as a dog begging for the treat of intimacy. Flirty games is one thing, playing games is another. (reward reference not aimed at you kitty, just the word I thought fit best there)

If the woman, or man, cannot show the passion and/or appreciation they showed in the beginning they need to figure out why. If they think it's not their problem, then don't expect the other to hang around forever. A marriage must be kept fertile or it will die.
To the OP, if she would rather watch two hours of TV and not have the time for intimacy she either just doesn't want it or wants it only in her terms. A very frank discussion is needed, it's not an easy one and feelings will get hurt, defensive, throw backs will probably happen. You might consider talking with a counselor first, either together or alone. I spoke with one about "sexual depravity in marriage" and yes that's an actual topic they're trained for it's such a common issue.

As far as going to swap meets, festivals, car shows, etc... that each other has an interest in that the other may dislike is part of being a supporting spouse, same for watching the occasional bad TV show, we should all do those sorts of things for each other at times. But it should not be expected to always subject the other to that. If my wife can't find someone to go to something I don't care for I'll step up and go with her and be a good sport, we always have fun together no matter what it is, but to go every time? Not going to happen, nor do I expect her to go with me every time. Marriage should not mean we depend totally on each other for companionship, but we do and should for intimacy.