[jessicaberry]

Hi everyone, this is my first posting so I'm a little apprehensive but I need advice. My husband (Tom) and I got married last year and we never had premarital sex. I have with other men when I was more promiscuous in my younger days, but when I met Tom I knew that I wanted to wait and he was okay with that. He makes me incredibly happy in most aspects and I love him a lot, but ever since our wedding night we have had trouble with sex. He either cannot get hard at all or loses his erection very quickly. We're both ready to have children and I've wanted to be a mother my entire life. The few times that we've made love to "completion" did not result in getting me pregnant. He says that he had this problem with other women but it went away once he got comfortable with them. It's been a year of marriage yet he isn't comfortable enough with me to get over it? He says he doesn't know what is preventing him. He says he loves me very much and he is very attracted to me. I know the problem isn't physical because he still gets morning wood and can usually get hard for a little while. I don't know what to do. I love him but I want children, my own children. He's even been seeing a counselor and we've done couples counseling but nothing seems to help. We don't even have sex anymore because I feel unsexy and rejected by him even though he says its not about me. Should I have to give up my dream of a family? Is our love enough to give up? Please lend any advice I am desperate and growing more depressed each day

[Stillness]

Besides the morning erections, has he made sure that there's nothing else up physically? Like for example, having his testosterone levels checked.

Also, does he exercise at all? If he's in shape and feeling good about his body, it could help with his ability to keep and maintain erections. In particular, kegel exercises can make a huge difference.

[amy40]

The few times that we've made love to "completion" did not result in getting me pregnant. Should I have to give up my dream of a family?

Don't know how old you both are but both of you could get physicals. For women fertility declines sooner than you think and women that you hear that get pregnant in their 30s and 40s often have help.

[jon31]

Hi Jessica,
As a guy who went through same as your husband might be able to help wth this.
The issue is that a guy feels nervous if he doesn't feel he can satisfy the woman - this can cause him to lose his erection. This becomes a vicous circle - he worries about losing his erection which makes him lose his erection.
Do you think it could be that he feels pressure to make you pregnant and worries he might fail? Or maybe he's comparing his performance with your past boyfriends?
I'd say first step would be to forget about prgenant for a while, just try to focus on getting him comfortable enough to have sex. If you can take off the added pressure of pregnancy he might feel more relaxed?

[muffin70]

Hi Jessica,
I suffered this exact problem when I met my wife.... I wasn't able to maintain an erection during sex and would go soft.... my wife was wonderful and I did get some counselling that helped.
he may feel nervous, he may be trying to hard to keep his erection, or he may have a health problem.... can he talk to his doctor about it?
if you are putting pressure on him about wanting to start a family that may also affect his performance

for me in the end the problem just seemed to cure itself and after about 8 months I was able to maintain an erection right through to orgasm
One thing you can try is masturbating him ho he is nice and hard.... if you can time it right so you stop before he ejaculates, he should be able to insert his erection in you and ejaculate inside you.

[jessicaberry]

Stillness He does exercise somewhat regularly and is good health for his age. His doctor says he is physically fit and has not evaluated any health problems that may be the cause. I will suggest kegel exercises...may I ask if they've proven helpful for you or anyone you know for impotence problems?

amy40 We are both in our early 30s and have gotten physicals and it is not a problem with either of us physically. Thank you for your comment, it does make me feel better. I would actually love to adopt someday, but I did always want the joy of being pregnant and creating a new human. I don't doubt that I wouldn't love an adopted child just as much as my "own," but it does break my heart to think I could never get pregnant.

jon31 I have considered this and we have talked about it. Unfortunately it is a cycle because even when we've taken the pressure off and just tried to have fun, I think he knows how much I want a child and can't ease up. And I don't know how to reassure him of this unless I gave up my dream for good. And I suspect that even then, the guilt would prevent him from performing.

muffin70 May I ask what during your counseling sessions helped you the most? Maybe I should find him a different counselor.. Yes I have tried giving him hand jobs and blow jobs but it's the same problem no matter what. And even if I was able to get him to ejaculate in me last minute, it still wouldn't solve the problem of us enjoying a sex life together. Getting pregnant would be amazing but I also feel like our romance and marriage are dwindling because of this issue. We've only been married for a year but it feels like we've in our 80s sometimes. I'm losing hope for everything

[Stillness]

Jessica, I'm not sure. I told my dad about them and he said he tried them and noticed a change and thanked me, but he's my dad so he didn't go in depth and I didn't ask.

I've noticed for me that I have more control - I can go longer without orgasm and get and maintain an erection sooner after sex. My wife has claimed my erections are harder, but I don't think that's the case.

[Ashlee T.]

I know, from your side of the field, how hard (no pun intended. ) this problem is. I had this issue with a past boyfriend, but with him I could pinpoint it to a few different things :excess tobacco usage, excess masturbation, porn.

With my current fella, he's super young and so I would've never imagined having the issue. But we did. He's a young strappin fella, in good health, muscular, etc. But, we had the issue nonetheless, and still have it on occasion. For him, it is highly tied to how he is eating. If he's eating unhealthy (fast food, greasy, etc) the problem exists much more frequently. Additionally, he's a VERY emotional guy, a worry wart, etc. If he has something heavy on his mind, this is also a factor. He's learning to overcome some of that. He also cut out masturbation so that when we get to see each other, he's READY. Lol.

I'm with the others that he needs his testosterone tested. Did the test for that during his physical? I wouldn't think that would be standard.

One thing I did learn is that it truly doesn't have much to do with me. It's so difficult not to take it personally, but it truly wasn't personal towards me in any way.

[jon31]

He also cut out masturbation so that when we get to see each other, he's READY. Lol.

Just being nosey does that make him not last very long? I used to have trouble getting erect so did like him and stopped masturbation which helped with erections but meant i'd ejaculate way too quickly. Had to quite a bit of "work" to overcome that.

[Ashlee T.]

Just being nosey does that make him not last very long? I used to have trouble getting erect so did like him and stopped masturbation which helped with erections but meant i'd ejaculate way too quickly. Had to quite a bit of "work" to overcome that.

Yes, it does do that. If we haven't seen each other for 3-4 days and he has not masturbated, we know the first time we're together after that he's going to be on edge the entire time. It's not generally premature to the point of me not being able to enjoy myself too and once that first time is over, then we're fine for the rest of the weekend. Also, I bought a special "ring" (if you know what I mean ) to assist in both the erection and the premature ejaculation and it did help. We don't generally have the issue now, but I always have that if we do.

That makes me think......... jessicaberry have you thought about a c-ring?