[MamaBear13]

I'm hoping I'm not the only one with this issue. I'm having panic attacks (can't breathe, tight chest, feelings of danger, shaking, tense muscles, etc) during sex with my husband. They seem to come out of nowhere. Sometimes I can power through, and sometimes they're so intense we end up stopping because he can tell I'm not into it. It doesn't matter what position we are in, although they seem to be more intense when he is on top.

I am healthy otherwise. No physical or mental health diagnosis. I have not seen a professional about this particular issue yet. I have no history of sexual assault or abuse. This has been ongoing, getting progressively worse for over a year and it's starting to affect my marriage. I have hidden the issue from my husband and we have not discussed it at all yet.

[atskitty2]

Well I think the first step is to talk about it with him.

My first thought was some sort of trauma, but Since you said that is not the case, I wonder if you have had a particularly painful or unsatisfactory sexual experience just prior to this beginning? Or was there another type of traumatic event that occurred around the time this started? Like, a car accident for instance?

Have you thought about the time in your life that it started and what was going on then?

How is the marriage over all, in other areas? If you are not already communicating this to him, it makes me think that there must be some things going on there.

Sorry for all the questions. More info should help us come up with the best ideas to help you. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I can imagine the frustrations and confusion you may feel.

[MamaBear13]

There is no trauma that I can think of. I really can't pinpoint a cause. There was one moment right when this all started that my husband and I had gone out, and I was incredibly drunk. He was trying to help get me into bed for the night and started helping me undress. Apparently, I freaked out. I was yelling and crying and had kept screaming "don't let him hurt me again" and clung to him for dear life. It was so out of the blue and we just kind of let it go.

My marriage is otherwise great. I haven't brought this up because I want to have something more to approach the discussion with. I don't want to say " sex makes me panic" and have him feel like it's somehow his fault because he tends to blame himself a lot. If I can have at least an idea of the next step to fixing it, I think things will go smoother. I don't want him to assume I'm not happy at all.

[amy40]

There is no trauma that I can think of.I was yelling and crying and had kept screaming "don't let him hurt me again"

welcome to the forum, mama bear

is it possible that trauma happened when you were a child and you don't consciously remember?
or something happened when you were drunk (some other time) that you don't remember?

[amy40]

I was once punched to the ground by a hospital pt who then got on top of me until a couple people pulled him off
one time incident but I think if I ever felt someone was about to punch me again, that memory might reappear

am wondering if something ever happened to you that now when you have sex, that vulnerability is resurfacing?
it would not necessarily be something sexual but something where you felt vulnerable

[atskitty2]

I appreciate your concern for your husband and his tendency to feel responsible. He needs to realize that this is not about him, and you can remind him of that when you bring it up. Ask him to set aside his insecurity (or whatever it is in his case) and help you brainstorm for the cause and eventually a solution. I would ask him for help, explaining what happens to you and that you need him to help, so it can improve for you both.

It's likely that he knows you better than anyone, and may have noticed something that you don't. He surely realizes the sexual issue, and he could have insights that you don't.
Discuss it with him. I understand you're trying to manage this on your own, but I think you need his support.

If together, you don't come up with anything, I'd see a counselor to get some ideas.
Is it worse when you've been drinking? Did you black out at any time that night?

[MamaBear13]

I suppose a prior trauma that I can't remember is possible. I do have a lapse in memory from that evening, but I don't think I was ever away from my husband.

I've been vulnerable before, but never anything severe or traumatic. I had an emotionally abusive ex, but never physically and my husband is very careful to never let "dirty talk" cross that line because of it.

It is a little worse when I've been drinking. But I've pretty much stopped since that night. That panic attack really sort of scared the sh*t out of me.

Any advice on how to start that conversation with him? I'm not so good at actually talking about my feelings. I'm always afraid that I'll make the other person mad or that it'll drive them away (unhealthy habits brought on by the ex...) and I usually end up talking myself out of talking.

[amy40]

I've been vulnerable before, but never anything severe or traumatic. I had an emotionally abusive ex, but never physically .

emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse, if not more so
bones will heal, the psyche takes longer, especially if the reel of words replays over and over

[MamaBear13]

Other than the emotional trust thing, I never really had a problem with it. It ended and I moved on.

The most confusing thing to me is that my husband and I have been active together for 4 years. This only started a year and a half ago.

[atskitty2]

You may have moved on, mostly, but there could be some healing left to do, especially if you didn't sort of consciously process through it. There could be some residual issues with that.

There could also be something in that time you blacked out. That's also hard to know for sure.
It's all speculation but, I do hope it gets you thinking about something maybe that didn't occur to you before...

As for an approach, you can adapt to your personal style, but I would start by setting aside some time specifically for the discussion. Time when you're both relaxed. Maybe a walk in the park or something like that.

I would start by saying that there's been something bothering me for a long time, that affects us both, that you're concerned and would like his observations, thoughts and feedback. Proceed to tell him what you're experiencing during sex and ask what he's noticed. Once he's shared some thought, ask him to take some time to think back about what may have happened to trigger it. Tell him what you remember and what triggers you think may be. Let him know that your goal is to prevent this from hindering intimacy. Ask his thoughts on you getting some therapy if the two of you can't solve it together.

If he seems to be veering off to blaming himself, just redirect the conversation and remind him that this isn't anyone's fault. It's happening and together it can be managed and overcome.


Hope that makes sense. I'm very tired and apologise for any rambling.
Keep us posted. I hope our thoughts help you find an answer.