[jacquelinemelo91]

Hey, I'm new to this forum and I'm in a difficult situation... I've been with my husband for almost 7 years and I think his lack of libido is related to some problems we had in the beginning of our relationship. He got HPV (not from me) and had a really tough time treating it. It lasted about 4 months and it was hell for both of us. Still, this was a long time ago, in our first year together. This brought so much trauma into our sex life that I don't know how to deal with it... He goes to therapy and I genuinely think he just has lower libido than I do. Lack of sex doesn't seem to be a problem for him, just me. I never caught him masturbating (and there's no problem with masturbation), he rarely initiates sex and I think that the daily routine of marriage doesn't help.

Anyway, yesterday it happened again and feel like I've had it. I became very angry and frustrated, mostly with myself. I only ever initiate if I fisically need it. It normally happens after my period is over and I just can't help it, I start having weird dreams about cheating, being single, being with guys I've been with before I met my husband. I just feel dirty and wrong and I want help dealing with that. I don't want to do anything to 'rekindle the flame' or seduce him, I've had enough of that and I feel tired, frustrated and humiliated. All I want is help dealing with my needs, I want to know that I'm not alone in this and that I'm not a freak. Since it's really hard to find this kind of help for women and most posts I found in this forum are really old, I'd love to hear about how you deal with this in your life. Are there ways to decrease libido? Have you tried anything that worked?

I love my husband, he's my best friend, but it hurts us everytime and I just want to be on the same level as him... and I don't want to talk about his feelings anymore I want to fix my problem, not his. He knows what his problem is, he hasn't tried to fix it and there's nothing I can or want to do about that. I just want to deal with it in a healthy way, for myself. Help?

[Claret]

I understand your problem. I understand you wanting a more physical relationship? Does he ever initiate, does he ever complete the act? It sounds like he may be afraid. Afraid of what happened before and of how he got the HPV, he may be afraid of giving it to you.

This is just my opinion, but I think you both need counselling, either from a doctor that is well versed in HPV, a sex consultant with the same credentials, or couples therapy to work through these issues.

I also think that there may be more issues in your relationship that are being told here, maybe even more than you realize. Guilt can be a strong de-motivator and/or motivator.

Talk to him, ask him questions, give him your opinion/wants/needs/desires but in a non-judgmental was, let him know how you are feeling and how these thoughts are interfering in your relationship.

I wish you luck, let us know what you are going to do.

[jns]

Was his libido higher when you met him? Does he take any drugs? How long have you two been married? Is his job stressful? Why does he go to therapy? Does he think of you as being attractive and/or sexy? Has sex always been the same position or has there been a lot of variation? Does he have erectile dysfunction? Is there any reason he would feel emasculated?

Sex drive mismatches are not uncommon and the partner with the lower sex drive usually is the one controlling how often sex occurs. You are normal, just in a frustrating situation.

[jacquelinemelo91]

I understand your problem. I understand you wanting a more physical relationship? Does he ever initiate, does he ever complete the act? It sounds like he may be afraid. Afraid of what happened before and of how he got the HPV, he may be afraid of giving it to you.

This is just my opinion, but I think you both need counselling, either from a doctor that is well versed in HPV, a sex consultant with the same credentials, or couples therapy to work through these issues.

I also think that there may be more issues in your relationship that are being told here, maybe even more than you realize. Guilt can be a strong de-motivator and/or motivator.

Talk to him, ask him questions, give him your opinion/wants/needs/desires but in a non-judgmental was, let him know how you are feeling and how these thoughts are interfering in your relationship.

I wish you luck, let us know what you are going to do.

First of all, thank you for your reply!

Well, he sometimes initiates but it's kind of rare. Some of these times, I'm not in the mood. The HPV issue was solved a long time ago, he saw an acclaimed specialist and was screened several times to make sure it was gone for good. Problem was, during the treatment, I literally couldn't have sex because the treatment was somewhat agressive. He felt demotivated and I felt humiliated, we talked a lot about our feelings. After it was over, we tried to resume our sex life but it never really came back to normal. I think therapy can help us but I honestly can't fix his problems for him. I have to fix mine, that's what's killing me. I do feel guilty for putting him in this situation. I just want my needs to be gone D:

I'm considering finding couseling for the both us just to see if there's anything else we can do to cope with this.

Again, thanks for your reply

[jacquelinemelo91]

Was his libido higher when you met him? Does he take any drugs? How long have you two been married? Is his job stressful? Why does he go to therapy? Does he think of you as being attractive and/or sexy? Has sex always been the same position or has there been a lot of variation? Does he have erectile dysfunction? Is there any reason he would feel emasculated?

Sex drive mismatches are not uncommon and the partner with the lower sex drive usually is the one controlling how often sex occurs. You are normal, just in a frustrating situation.

Hey, thanks for replying! His libido always seemed a little lower than mine but after the HPV treatment, it really took a dip. He smokes sometimes. We've been married almost 3 years, but together for 7. He goes to therapy because his job brings him a lot of stress and he has some unresolved issues with his family. I'm very liberal when it comes to sex, if anything, he's the prude! Lol He has never been diagnosed with erectile dysfynction. I think the only reason he would feel emasculated is remembering the many times he wasn't able to finish (or even start). He seems very frustrated and, from the start of our relationship, seems to be more stressed about sex than enthusiastic. That's why I think I can't solve his issues. It's been 7 years of this and he didn't do anything to change this situation. The only thing we've tried together was sex toys and a lot of open conversation. He doesn't do anything else and I don't think it bothers him to the point of seeking help, you know? That's why I think I have to focus on my problem...

[jns]

I know you say he is somewhat of a prude, but would he be OK with a situation where he did not have to finish or start, such as giving you oral sex? You could guide him about what you like. It could be a situation that starts slow. Later, if he is ready, it could progress to piv sex. It may help him rebuild his confidence in sexual intercourse. Loss of confidence in being able to perform builds on itself each time that sex doesn't work until a guy no longer wants to even try. Try something slow and without expectations to rebuild his confidence. It will be an ongoing struggle since the stress from work and his unresolved issues will continue to chip away his confidence. He may also be happy to let you lead since it will be one less thing for him to worry about. Best wishes.

[WaveRider]

Hi jacqueline,

I have total empathy for you. I've known many divorced women who have told me that their husbands' loss of desire for intimacy caused a huge strain in their marriages.

I sincerely wish you the absolute best.

[amy40]

I genuinely think he just has lower libido than I do. Lack of sex doesn't seem to be a problem for him, just me. I never caught him masturbating I just want to deal with it in a healthy way, for myself. Help?

does he masturbate? because if he does, there's no reason you two can't have sex

don't want to seduce him? why not, he's your husband, you're allowed to entice him

[amy40]

Well, he sometimes initiates but it's kind of rare. Some of these times, I'm not in the mood.

you asked for advice so giving it

don't ever turn him down even if you're not in the mood, just "do it"
one can't always wait for a mood

[jns]

don't ever turn him down even if you're not in the mood, just "do it"
one can't always wait for a mood

I wouldn't go that far, just realize actions have consequences. Try to minimize the number of times. Schedule makeup times.