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Advice Needed PLEASE!

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  • Advice Needed PLEASE!

    Hi all newbie here,

    I’m 72 years of age and this is quite confronting to talk about. It’s become such an issue for me I’ve even considered consulting my family doctor (which would be embarrassing). Anyway, my wife and I have enjoyed a wonderful marriage for almost 50 years and I love her dearly. Early on our sex life was very good, but it has declined sharply in the past 20 odd years. In addition, she has always been extremely conservative sexually with little desire to stray from traditional penetrative sex. She has rarely (if ever) initiated any sexual contact over the past 40 years and never been keen on experimentation in bed. I guess I understand that in a way, and I don’t believe I’ve ever applied undue pressure on her to participate in anything she's uncomfortable with.

    In her late 40’s she experienced a very difficult menopause and when she emerged, her libido was well below where it had been. It would be fair to say that now, she has little to no sex drive at all. In fact, the times when we do ‘fool around’ I'm sure she’s doing it much more for me than herself. To give you an idea, I don’t think she even masturbates much any more because I know that her vibrator has had flat batteries for quite some time.

    In all the years of marriage, I’ve never been unfaithful (in the traditional sense) and I’m sure she hasn’t either. I have however masturbated regularly right through our marriage. But now in my 70’s I sometimes find I need stimulation to get my juices flowing (so to speak). It’s not uncommon that I attempt to masturbate now and even though it’s still enjoyable, I often can’t reach orgasm. Now, there are two things I enjoy that will always overcome that and they are... sexual activity with her, even though it's quite different to our earlier years, I love the intimacy. The second thing is (unsurprisingly perhaps) watching porn. (I never fail to reach orgasm during or after either.)

    The trouble is, with our sexual activity at no more than 10-12 times a year, I can’t rely on that for help. So, the thing I fall back on mostly is watching a bit of porn. Problem is, being retired and living in each others’ pockets (so to speak), I rarely get any privacy. So if I’m in my office trying to sneak a bit of porn I’m always afraid of her walking in on me. It would be embarrassing and confronting to have her find me with my pants around my ankles doing you know what. Basically the anxiety of being sprung takes all the joy out of it. Now, I’m sure she’s aware that I watch a bit of porn and I know she knows I masturbate, but I don’t think she realises how often I do it and how important it is to me. They say with sex, as with many things, if you don’t use it, you lose it. And I definitely don’t want to lose it. Who knows how many months/years I have left to indulge myself.

    Anyway, last night I approached her for some lovemaking and my offer was, as usual, refused (in a kind and friendly manner). When she’d gone to sleep I later tried to masturbate but, due to lack of stimulation I was unable to succeed. Very frustrating! So I can’t rely on intimacy between us on a regular enough basis for stimulation and I’m afraid of being caught watching porn.

    What I’d like your opinion on, is this… should I approach her and lay my cards on the table? Explain my situation to her. Ideally I’d like her co-operation so that if she came up to my office and found the door closed, she’d know what I was doing and give me some private time. I’d like to think that she’d actually be happy to know I’m experiencing pleasure. And, if the situation was reversed, I’d be more than happy to grant her private time. I wouldn’t be at all upset even if I knew she was watching porn.

    I want to ask her for time alone but in the past when I’ve tried to discuss our sexuality (or lack of it), she tends to get very defensive and turns things back on me and blames me. It’s not much fun and to be honest I’m at my wits end. For the past 20 odd years masturbation has been my go to for sexual relief and probably the only thing that has kept me sane. I don’t want to lose that most enjoyable part of my life.

    Any ideas would be appreciated.

  • Well, such an honor to have you join us, and seek our opinions. Thank you for trusting us here, and sharing so much. Congratulations on your long life together, and what I'd consider to be a pretty active sex life still. Nearly once per month is not too shabby!

    I think it's completely reasonable to ask that of her. Would you be adequately stimulated by anything she'd do, besides the direct sexual contact? Maybe just lying naked with you, or walking around in some skimpy nighty?
    If she has objections to porn or privacy request, another idea is to ask her if she'd be willing to "be the show". If she doesn't want to agree to the privacy, ask her to provide the visual stimulation you need. She wouldn't have to do much, just tease and be sexy. You may need more than that, but it's a thought.

    Would you like that or would she find that a suitable compromise?

    Comment


    • 50 years and still going at it, amazing. Even if it is not what it once was. As we age, our testosterone level decreases. This is part of the situation that makes masturbation to ejaculation more difficult. Add on top of that medications such as those for high blood pressure and for high cholesterol and you have the starting of erectile dysfunction. Even without it going that far, masturbation can become more difficult. After training your body to respond to your hand, even having sex with your wife may be difficult. The way to overcome it a bit is by the Coolidge effect, essentially part what porn provides.

      I agree with Kitty on her plan, but your wife may not feel sexy any more. See if a compromise can be found. Good luck.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • Originally posted by easygoing View Post
        I have enjoyed a wonderful marriage for almost 50 years and I love her dearly.
        know that her vibrator has had flat batteries for quite some time.
        I’m afraid of being caught watching porn.
        congratulations on your almost 50 yrs

        get some batteries and present to your wife and open up a dialogue
        be truthful, what do u have to lose? she loves you too, right?

        then u won't have to worry about being caught

        Comment


        • Well, what can I say... I'm stunned by your replies, all of you, and thank you dearly.

          It seems the answer is as I thought, I should open up and let her know. All of your replies seem to confirm that. The most difficult part is that I love her, and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt her. But, it's obvious our needs have been quite different for quite some time and she has no idea of that. Just this afternoon (before I read your replies) I told her something that sort of shocked her. I've had some serious issues with pain and insomnia recently and I told her I had used masturbation (in bed at night with her) as a sedative. She was completely shocked and challenged me saying she would have known. But, the truth is I've been pleasuring myself in bed beside her for many years and she never knew. I'm beginning to feel guilty because I've never been completely truthful with her. I guess I'm going to have to come clean but I suspect it might get a tad ugly.

          Yes JNS, I'm still quite sexually active on a personal level. I definitively believe in the 'use it or lose it' principle and whilst ever I have the desire, I want to continue to enjoy my personal pleasure. Thanks again all.
          Last edited by easygoing; 01-27-2018, 01:14 AM.

          Comment


          • I agree with the others and believe opening up to her is the right approach to take. But, I'd like you to consider her side of things. At her age her hormones are pretty much non-existent. Her libido is also probably in the same state. We are not like males in which we can take things in hand (so to speak) and arouse ourselves in that way. The truth is our secretions do dry up, our skin thins, our skin will bruise and have cuts unless we can slather on a good amount of lubricant, and often.

            This is not to say that you still can't have an active sex life, but only that you need to pre-plan, take your time, pay attention to her and her needs prior to your own.

            Working in a geriatric hospital, I've seen couples where one is bed-ridden, ask to have privacy and time alone with each other well into their 80's.

            Congratulations on your commitment to each other.
            That which we forget may as well never really happened.

            Comment


            • Easy, I agree with the other posters, but let me add an additional thought: I think you both should be tested for hormone levels, and do meds to correct anyything that's out of balance. Both of you will experience increased libido if your testosterone levels are where they should be - not merely "within the normal range," but more like in the middle of the range. You may find your wife re-acquiring an interest in sex. But if that fails, by all means explain to her just what you explained above to this group of strangers... :-)
              How could she resist?

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Texasred View Post
                Easy, I agree with the other posters, but let me add an additional thought: I think you both should be tested for hormone levels, and do meds to correct anyything that's out of balance. Both of you will experience increased libido if your testosterone levels are where they should be - not merely "within the normal range," but more like in the middle of the range. You may find your wife re-acquiring an interest in sex. But if that fails, by all means explain to her just what you explained above to this group of strangers... :-)
                How could she resist?
                Thanks! Unfortunately, there's little chance of that. She's not really into 'sex' that much that sh'e agree to that. She keeps telling me that "I dwell on things too much and that I should be more accepting of things and chill out".

                She saw a specialist some years ago about it and she was prescribed Vagifem, which is an Oestrogen supplement. Made little difference though.

                Comment


                • Okay, I thought as a matter of courtesy, I should bring all you wonderful responders up to speed on my predicament. I realise this whole thing is rather self indulgent but there comes a time in peoples lives where ‘self’ is vitally important.

                  Anyway, my wife and did have a discussion over the weekend and it was moderately successful. It went in fact, pretty much as I’d guessed. I raised the issue and as soon as I did my wife, not aggressively mind you, turned it back on me by suggesting the reason our sex life had dropped off was because I was no longer interested in fooling around at night and she was. There is some truth to that because before we retired we ran a complex business that employed 140 people, and turned over upwards of $60M per year. To be honest I found it extremely difficult to come home after a day of business problems and switch to erotic thoughts at night. I might have responded positively if she had been prepared to initiate sexual relations but that hasn’t been the case in many, many years. The truth is (in my mind at least) our problems began after her terrible menopause. But I do concede she’s right about the morning/night issue.

                  The outcome though was I opened up about how I wanted to continue enjoying myself, both with her and on my own. I told her I have no objection to her masturbating as often as she liked. She informed me (I already knew) that she rarely masturbated any more and I shared with her that I did, quite often. She understood and there was no objection. It was cleansing to clear the air and I believe we can still maintain a healthy relationship, whilst giving me the freedom to enjoy my self pleasuring.

                  I want to thank you all very much for your considered and helpful responses.

                  Comment


                  • Stress can kill getting in the mood for sex. In this case, she was willing, but you were stressed out. You said you believed in use it or lose it. How did you continue to use it during that time?
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by jns View Post
                      Stress can kill getting in the mood for sex. In this case, she was willing, but you were stressed out. You said you believed in use it or lose it. How did you continue to use it during that time?
                      Thanks JNS, well we switched to mainly having sex in the morning but this time in our lives coincided with my wife's VERY difficult menopause so there wasn't much activity. As mentioned, and I'm not trying to be disrespectful here, she seems to have conveniently forgotten the menopause factor and only seems to remember that we had differing timetables. That time was the start of the demise in our sexual activity. As I said in my original post though, I have never stopped masturbating at any time (with the exception of about 6 months whilst taking anti-anxiety medication) in the past 60 years. That's how I continued to use it during that time.
                      Last edited by easygoing; 01-28-2018, 07:23 PM. Reason: Spelling again!

                      Comment


                      • I think it's great that you could have this conversation with your wife; i know I couldn't without it turning into a discussion of all the things i do wrong. But since you've gotten this far, couldn't you suggest or request that she help you out occasionally so the sex wouldn't be such a solitary thing? Maybe she could do the stroking for you? You could promise her something in return?

                        Comment


                        • I think sometimes we aren't in the mood for sex on the surface, but if there's some stimulation, it can get us going. I think that's true for men and women. Of course there's a fine line there between being flirty and seductive and just being a jerk, but it is something to consider.

                          Was she suggesting that she would prefer sex at night?

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by easygoing View Post

                            Thanks! Unfortunately, there's little chance of that. She's not really into 'sex' that much that sh'e agree to that. She keeps telling me that "I dwell on things too much and that I should be more accepting of things and chill out".

                            She saw a specialist some years ago about it and she was prescribed Vagifem, which is an Oestrogen supplement. Made little difference though.
                            There are other hormones besides estrogen in women; testosterone is also an important part of their hormonal systems and needs to be in balance, just as estrogen is present in men, and needs to be at the right levels. My doctor tests me for both E and T, and explained why in great detail when I asked. I absorbed some small part of that explanation, and summarized it in my mind as "it's important." :-)

                            But I really do think you ought to try to get your wife involved in your mutual sex lives.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Texasred View Post
                              I think it's great that you could have this conversation with your wife; i know I couldn't without it turning into a discussion of all the things i do wrong. But since you've gotten this far, couldn't you suggest or request that she help you out occasionally so the sex wouldn't be such a solitary thing? Maybe she could do the stroking for you? You could promise her something in return?
                              Thanks Red,
                              That's exactly the problem, when I attempt conversations on our sexuality (or pretty much any subject really) she becomes extremely defensive... it usually ends up with her turning things back on me. In my experience, and I'm sure in her opinion, almost every issue we've had in our 50 years together has been my fault. As far as involving her, we do still have sex but not very often. Intercourse these days is quite different for a number of ageing reasons and usually forms part of our foreplay rather than the main-play. She's never been able to reach orgasm without the use of a vibrator. We have his/hers vibrators and unless she has one I'm not aware of stashed away, she's not using hers at the moment.

                              Comment

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