[Mads129]

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I've been dating my girlfriend (we are a gay couple) for a year now and we've been sexually active for about as long, which is enjoyable and lovely. I love making her feel good and I can definitely tell that I'm very attracted to her and turned on by her, but never in my life have I achieved anything even approaching an orgasm and I've continued to have troubles now. This stretches past my active sex life- I've never felt anything from masturbation, and while I've had a few very VERY rare (maybe four in my entire life, and I'm nearing 23) sexual fantasies, they only happen during periods when my hormones are running rampant.

I'm not sure what's wrong. I've considered the possibility that I'm just asexual and cannot feel sexual pleasure at all, or at least it nearly never shows up. I can count three times when I've felt it so I know it exists, but there was no way to replicate it and it lasted only about a minute, with no ability to actually pursue it / try and get to an orgasm state. So far, no change of pace or different method has helped, either- while I enjoy oral/fingering/what have you, the sexual pleasure isn't there.

Is this something that just happens? Are my hormones potentially causing an issue? It's not something that /needs/ to change, as my girlfriend and I have talked about it and are comfortable with it, but I still feel bad that I might be making her feel like she's doing something wrong.

For history, she's my first partner and I've never had much interest in sex toys/porn/etc.

[jns]

I do not find your situation surprising, just confirmation of what studies show, that some women do not reach orgasm. I have read that typically gay women are able to find the key to their partner's orgasm in more cases percentage wise, but the underlying situation does not change, some women do not reach orgasm. A smaller percentage of men also do not reach orgasm.

Still, since you were able to have strong sexual fantasies that started to get you toward an orgasmic state, hope exists. Underlying everything could be a hormonal situation. Such things can be tested for. There could also be a genetic situation or a specific brain wiring situation. Maybe a psychologist could work on specific situations that bring you closer to the elusive orgasm. Possibly one that uses hypnosis could help. Sometimes problems stem from an unconscious holding back and not letting go. The few times you got close, your raging hormones overrode everything else.

Best wishes and welcome to WH!

[atskitty2]

Welcome mads!

Are you on any medication? Meds for depression, anxiety, birth control, and others could be affecting your drive and/or function.

What sort of fantasies have you had? Have you pursued fulfilling any of those?

How much have you really experimented with masturbation and with your partner? Have you explored the sensations of your inner anatomy as well as the clitoris and vulva?

Any history of abuse?

[Ashlee T.]

I was in my mid-twenties before I achieved my first actual orgasm (I had been sexually active since I was 15), and I was alone using my first toy. That showed me what MY body needs in order to achieve orgasm, and that has changed over the years. Self-discovery is really important. For me, clitoral stimulation wasn't nearly enough. I needed penetration, but not anything much, just enough. My first toy was a small gspot stimulator with a clitoral vibrator. The BEST toy I've ever had because it taught me how to achieve orgasm in real sexual encounters. Another part of my self-discovery was porn. Yes.......porn. It helped me figure out what TRULY turns me on. For example, I am an "all senses" sort of person in every aspect of life but especially sex, but sound and smell in sex are more critical for me than sight. If I'm with someone who doesn't make a sound OR makes a bunch of obviously fake sounds, I am not going to be turned on. I need the sensual sounds of sex, the sounds he makes, the sounds our bodies make, etc. Porn helped teach me what kinds of things really get my blood churning.

Aside from self-discovery, part of it is about relaxation. Are you the "leader" in the relationship? If so, you're likely putting way too much pressure on yourself to "please" and not relaxing enough to truly enjoy sex. My boyfriend is around your age and this is something he too is having to learn. Sex is to be raw, uninhibited, messy, awkward, pleasurable but not with the sole purpose of climax. The more you feel pressured to orgasm the more unlikely you are to actually have one.

Have you all ever done full body naked massages with each other? Genitals are NOT the focus of this, just sensual full body naked on naked massages. That situation lends itself to relaxation, sensuality, and a feeling of respect for the whole body.

[Mads129]

Wow, thank you everyone for the thorough responses! I'll try to reply point by point.

Medication: I'm not on any meds, nor do I currently suffer any mental illnesses!

Fantasies: As a long portion of my life had me both identifying as asexual and sex repulsed when it came to my own body, I never had fantasies that included me- rather, this or that made up set of characters. They were always m/m or f/m, but this was because I was very naive and had no idea how f/f would work. Thus, I've never really had interest in pursuing them- they were dreamed up when I was hormonal and pointedly had no idea how sex would really work when it actually happens.

Masturbation: We haven't done any experimentation! That's an interesting idea. I've certainly tried on my own now and then, but while sometimes I can achieve a bit of feeling, it quickly goes away or doesn't advance. I have not yet experimented with inner anatomy but I'll need to see if I can make my body relax enough to try it.

* Beautiful Disaster, hmm!! I am indeed the "leader" so to speak. I think a major issue I've been having, after reading these messages and thinking about it, is that for a long time I was actively ashamed to be into sex or think about it at all, as I had surrounded myself mostly with people who were disinterested or mildly offput by sexual things. As far as being asexual goes, I may well still be- or simply grey, or whatever label I feel like for the day- but I do think there's also a part of it that's a subconscious want to not be sexual, even if now, I actually enjoy and embrace it. So maybe it'll just be a waiting game, or over time working on making sure I'm always really in the moment and not restraining feeling things?

Full body naked massages sound lovely but usually when the both of us are naked it tends to go places. :,D It does sound nice, though!

[Ashlee T.]

Full body naked massages sound lovely but usually when the both of us are naked it tends to go places. :,D It does sound nice, though!

Well, that's the point.....lol....BUT, if you take your time and really enjoy each others bodies, providing each other relaxation and enjoyment, it can lead to some GREAT relaxed sex.

I think you probably hit the nail on the head with the mental programming to be ashamed of sex. I don't know what your upbringing was like, and depending on where you're from you may have been raised in an area where being gay was not okay. Sex is already an embarrassing topic for young folks and even more so if you're ashamed of who you are attracted to. My best friend grew up like that and didn't even admit to being gay to me until we were in our mid twenties. As a result of her raising, even now in her 30's she is more comfortable with fantasy than actual relationships. But she is not asexual at all though her actions could be perceived that way. We tell ourselves that we are stronger than things that may or may not have shaped us in our childhood, but the reality is we are affected by them more than we are even aware.

Time, patience and effort will be the only thing to get you past it. But the good news is it is totally doable. Just don't expect an overnight change. Focus on things to make the relationship grow, enhance relaxation, comfort and appreciation of intimacy (even without sex).

[jns]

Masturbation: We haven't done any experimentation! That's an interesting idea. I've certainly tried on my own now and then, but while sometimes I can achieve a bit of feeling, it quickly goes away or doesn't advance. I have not yet experimented with inner anatomy but I'll need to see if I can make my body relax enough to try it.

Work on setting the mood so you can relax and drift away in sexual fantasy. There are five senses, try to engage most of them. Use a scent that you find sexy, such as perfume, flowers, candles, incense or another sort. Loop a clip from a movie or video that you find sexy and that you can lazily follow without the sound. Loop play a song or a set of songs that you find sexy. Put on lotion that makes your skin feel sexy. Taste is somewhat harder, but you might have a flavor that you favor. All of these will help distract you from being too focused on one thing, allowing the sexual tension to build without fatigue or overload. Don't put any time limits on achieving anything. Try slowing down or stopping for a while before trying again, especially if you have plateaued.

[eschaad1]

There's also viagra for women, now, as well as the o-shot that can help if it's a physical reason. I have hormone imbalance from years of endometriosis and so I needed to get the latter so I could increase sensitivity down below Hope this helps!