[Valentino]

Ive been with my partner for 5 and a half years. I love him to pieces but our sex life is lacking to say the least. At one point it was non existent.

At the beginning of our relationship we were all over each other and it began to simmer down, as it would for most relationships. But then it got to the point where we were having sex once every 2/3 weeks, like a schedule. I have tried to speak to him about it, but he just shuts down and gets uncomfortable about it. He shows no interest and when I try, he just seems to push me away or try to avoid it. It has made me feel unattractive. Dont get me wrong, there are times when I?m really not in the mood. However if I dont show interest for a couple of weeks then he will get upset about it and ask me why. Confusing much?

I dont know what to do. Not so sound cliche but I have needs too. Im not one to masturbate. I dont know how I can speak to him and get the to the root of the his insecurity.

I dont want this to be the end of us.

V

[atskitty2]

Dont get me wrong, there are times when I?m really not in the mood. However if I dont show interest for a couple of weeks then he will get upset about it and ask me why. Confusing much?

So, by this, do you mean, if you don't come onto him, he then does initiate, or approach for sex? Or do you mean he just says something about it and that's that?

How is your relationship otherwise? What's going on in your day to day life together? I assume you're living together? How long, out of the 5 years, has this type of physical relationship been the case?

When you've tried to discuss it with him, what does he say, exactly?

I know that's a lot of questions, but I'd like more detail to give the best feedback. Sexual incompatibility is a genuine reason for ending a relationship. That may be what this is, or this could be something you can work through, if both of you are willing. Mismatched libido leads to the things you're describing-you feel unattractive, your needs are simply not being met. If the case is he genuinely is not interested in sexual intimacy more often, then that's not likely to change.

Have you spoken with a counselor? Has he ever had his hormones checked/full physical exam to rule out biological reasons? What are both your ages?

[Valentino]

Thank you for replying. I should have probably been a lot more detailed (I've never done this before)

He does not initiate, it is always down to me. But when i dont (either ive had a tough week or im just not in the mood due to the medication I am on, which is anti depressants) then all of a sudden its an issue. He will ask me why as if its my responsibility. I have said to him "if you think there is a problem then do something about it, it cant all be down to me" Then nothing.

He is 30 and I am 25. We moved in together last year after we spent time at his moms saving up to get a mortgage together. During that time we did not really have sex often as he didnt want to while his mom was in the house, which I completely understand and i didnt say anything about because I know i would be the same. Our day to day life normal - we go out of drinks, meals and do things we both enjoy together.

The relationship is great, course we have arguments (id be worried if we didnt) but it is not often. He is affectionate to me, giving me kisses and telling me he loves me every day, but sexually he is not. I can speak to him about and he can speak to me. The only subject we cannot discuss is sex as it seems he gets embarrassed. I have asked him in the past, why do you think you are so reluctant to speak about sex, and again he shuts down and says he doesn't know and thats just the way he is.

He lost his virginity at 22, which in this day and age some may seem as being quite late. I myself lost mine at 19, again some may say was quite late. The only place he can really let go sexually is in hotel rooms. Anytime we go to a hotel its the best sex we ever have.

I have been skeptical about going to a counselor as I feel as though, if he cant open up to me about it then how would he open up to anyone else? I would love to go to one but I think his reaction to the idea will be that of denial and he will claim its not THAT bad. I know it would lead to an argument/debate and he is very hard to argue with and he is very smart and has an answer to everything.

[atskitty2]

No worries If you've never done this, you'd have no idea what to expect. I genuinely want to understand more of what's happening in order to be helpful.

So, things were ok sexually until the time you were staying at Mom's? Is that correct?
Do you know if he's using porn and/or masturbating regularly? You're on medication, is he also taking any mood-altering drugs?

It seems he has some sort of hangup, or inhibitions about sex, and possibly not a low libido, though that may be contributing. It could be that if you learn new ways to communicate and approach the topic with him, he would open up eventually. This is where a good quality counselor could help, even if you go alone. They can teach us new skills for managing situations in relationships.

Does he shy away from other areas, with concern to privacy, or modesty? Any history of abuse? Does he have a religious background, or otherwise strict upbringing?

[Valentino]

During the first month of the relationship, we had an abortion as I was not ready to have a child at that age and neither was he. After it had happened the last thing I wanted was sex, due to the fact I was scared of it happening again. I explained that to him and he fully understood. We didn't have sex for about a month and a half. Then things got back to normal, having sex almost every day. Then slowly it began to reduce, to every other day, once a week, once every 2 weeks then to around 2 a month. This was before we lived with his mom. We seem to have these stages where we dont have sex for a long period of time. Then when we do he always says "why haven't we done it so long?"/"well you know its been a while" in a way to make me feel as though, ive done nothing about it when I have. I try to instigate, ive done everything but walking around the house naked.

We are both non religious. His childhood was normal, he is the oldest son therefore the golden child in his families eyes. He can do no wrong. I have never heard of a conflict within his family other than when his parents divorced when he was 25. He is not on any medication. He has said once to me a few years ago, due to the fact that we were not having sex that he had to "do it himself" (masturbate)

My previous relationship was not a good one, but sex was never an issue. At times it was too much for even me. I have come to the realization that I have a very high libido compared to him. I completely understand that and would never be mad at him for that. But the communication is not there.

[atskitty2]

Have you ever discussed what turns each other on? You say you've done everything but walk around naked-what specifically do you do that you think should be arousing for him?
How often does he masturbate, and is he using porn as visual stimulation?

If it's such a dramatic difference when you're in hotels, what is different there? Is it while on vacation so he's less stressed? Is there an element of naughtiness associated with it?

Sorry to keep adding questions. The more you share, the more I wonder if it isn't just a difference in desire, and he's trying to shift blame onto you, with the statements he makes about why it's been so long, etc. If this is the case, I'm afraid you will be faced with few choices, none of which are pleasant.

[jns]

Maybe you should schedule more hotel sex until you can work through his inhibitions. My wife and I have had sex at both my parents house and her parents house. Since others were nearby we had to be quiet but that made it more exciting.