Whats wrong with my sex?!

[stateofconfusion]

I have a question.. Me and my guy have been together almost 5 years. We used to have amazing sex. Now... It's few and far between. Every time he goes down on me, I have to remind him what hits the spot for me. Then, right as I'm RIGHT THERE, he stops for a second to take a breath because he can't breathe thru his nose, and I completely lose it and basically have to start all over again. I don't get anything at all from penetration anymore. I don't know if I'm just not sexually attracted to him anymore or what. We don't touch much anymore, hardly ever kiss. The last few times we tried, he said it must be him and just quit and I ended up crying myself to sleep. I feel like a failure. I'm only 28 and I've always had a healthy sex life, so this makes me feel like I'm failing as a woman and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even want sex anymore.. Does anyone have any advice?

[Ashlee T.]

Hey! Welcome to WHI.

I'd like to say I haven't "been there", but I totally have so.....I feel your pain! Before I elaborate my thoughts on this, are you on any form of birth control?

[stateofconfusion]

I have the mirena. I also lost an ovary and tube a year and a half ago

[Ashlee T.]

It sounds like you have been through SO MUCH over the past couple years, your body AND your mind.

I'm so sorry you went through having to get an ovary and tube removed. A salpingo-oophorectomy is a big deal. And obviously, this can have a very big impact on your hormones (not to mention the emotional aspect of it). When you had this done, did the doctor talk to you about the hormonal changes your body would go through post-surgery?

Then there's the mirena - a hormonal IUD. Maybe in your case the hormones are a helper? But for me, hormonal birth control was where my libido went to die. No kidding. I spent so many years thinking, "I just really don't care if I ever have sex again." That was the birth control talking.

So...you could absolutely have some hormonal stuff going on that just has you not feeling quite right.

But I'm also curious about your relationship. How are things in your relationship, aside from sex?

[stateofconfusion]

Would it cause issues suddenly after so long? The doctor placed the mirena when he took my ovary and I was still pretty into sex up until about 2 months ago. Our relationship isn't the greatest.. There's definitely some issues. I talked about all of this with a friend of mine today and had a revelation though so I think I now know what the problem is. I've been married 10 years this year, but we have been separated for quite a while. I've been with the guy I'm with now for almost 5 years. But my husband is my children's dad and remained my best friend so we just never decided to divorce. He passed away in January. I dont know why I didn't link it but she told me to like really think about what has been going through my head when we try to have sex, and I realized that I feel like my husband is in the room with us. So that's a whole other issue and I'm not sure how to work around it or how to tell the guy I'm with that I'm subconsciously thinking of my dead husband while he's going down on me..but now that I realized that, it makes completely sense that I can't follow through

[Ashlee T.]

Mirena - it could. I can remember being on various pills where I'd do good on it for a year then suddenly start having hormonal imbalance issues, loss of libido, emotional rollercoasters. I felt like something was seriously wrong with me. At the end of a month I could honestly say that I only felt like "myself" for maybe a week out of the entire month.

I'm sorry about your children's father and your best friend. That's another thing that makes me think you've just been through so much the past couple years that it's all just caught up with you.

I'm sure your friend is right that this loss has affected you in ways you probably didn't even realize. I lost a partner in 2014, and I am still affected by it every day. But I will say that having a wonderful relationship now with someone I love, who loves me unconditionally helps tremendously. We laugh together daily and I always know he has my back. He also supports my grief and my desire to honor my love who died. He never makes me feel like I cannot talk about my lost loved one. I offer him the same love and support in return on any issues he has. I am proof that THAT kind of love is out there no matter how broken you think you are.

I recently wrote an article for WHI on women with HIGH libido's, but it's an interesting read because many of the same things apply for women with low libido's. One of the things I talk about in that article is emotions and brain chemistry. All else aside, if I am upset at my partner, feeling resentful of him in any way, I simply DO NOT want to have sex with him. On the contrary, make me laugh, let me be myself, show me you love me unconditionally, and I'm all in. For women especially, libido and emotion are closely connected.

If you are not getting the love, support and encouragement you need in your relationship, I encourage you to talk with him about it and if you all cannot work through it, consider parting ways. Life is too short.

[stateofconfusion]

Yea I've cried several times at night, usually when he's asleep,but a couple times he woke up and was upset about me crying. Even a week after he died. And then was mad because me and the kids sat in the front with his family at his funeral. I mean he was married before for a few years as well. He should understand that when you have a life history with someone,their death will have an effect on you. Me and my husband had dated since we were 16 and when we split up we still talked alot and hung out when other partners allowed it. And there was always that hope. So now that's gone and I'm with someone that's emotionally closed off, and we maybe have a conversation a total of an hour through the whole week. Mostly it's me talking while he looks at sports stuff on his phone. But we still always had good sex,even though our relationship has been struggling a good 3 years now

[Ashlee T.]

There is definitely some resentment there, and it sounds like it's on both sides.

For you, there is grief and then there is resentment that he is not as understanding and sympathetic as you need.

But for him, there is insecurity. Is it justified? Would you be insecure if you were him? You mentioned that there was "always that hope" - do you think your boyfriend knew that, deep down? Do you think that seeing your grief brought that to the forefront for him, making him aware that he had spent 5 years of his life with someone who may have still had a hope of rekindling something with her ex?

If so, you can imagine there must be resentment for him.

And it sounds like that things weren't "good" with you two even before your husband's death. I will be honest, I would have a very difficult time REALLY letting go and being vulnerable with someone who maintained a marriage with someone else. If you're living separate lives, I see no benefit in staying married "for the kids." You've been with this guy for 5 years - if you were ever truly and totally happy and in love with him I speculate that you'd have wanted to break that tie with your husband. You don't EVER break ties totally with someone you have children with, but to remain married and say he's your best friend...... I just don't see any human being alive that wouldn't create resentment in.

What is your gut telling you?

[jns]

I have a question.. Me and my guy have been together almost 5 years. We used to have amazing sex. Now... It's few and far between. Every time he goes down on me, I have to remind him what hits the spot for me. Then, right as I'm RIGHT THERE, he stops for a second to take a breath because he can't breathe thru his nose, and I completely lose it and basically have to start all over again. I don't get anything at all from penetration anymore. I don't know if I'm just not sexually attracted to him anymore or what. We don't touch much anymore, hardly ever kiss. The last few times we tried, he said it must be him and just quit and I ended up crying myself to sleep. I feel like a failure. I'm only 28 and I've always had a healthy sex life, so this makes me feel like I'm failing as a woman and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even want sex anymore.. Does anyone have any advice?

It sounds to me that all of the changes in the last few years have taken a toll on your relationship with your bf. The hormonal situation probably didn't help, but it sounds like the problems are more rooted in the relationship. Because your bf did not give you space to grieve about your husband (and child's father), it may have caused too much of an alteration of the relationship where neither side is giving the other the benefit of the doubt. Maybe counseling could help this relationship or maybe a new relationship with someone more in tune to where you are now would be better.