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  • Porn double standard with partner?

    Please help me understand this dilemma that my brain just can't resolve. My partner and I have been together for a couple years (I'm female, he is male, we are in our 50's). My partner forbids me from watching any porn or anything sexual or enticing, saying that I don't need it cuz I have him and that watching porn is cheating. At the same time, I suspect that he is doing the same thing he is forbidding me from doing. His MSN account is linked to his phone and when he logs onto his MSN account on his desktop, he gets ads for dating women over 40, gets ads for women in sheer white lingerie leaving nothing to the imagination (his self admitted favorite kind, however does not seem interested in seeing me wear it) and nude photos from that "homemade online store" and other racy ads. When I try to ask him about it, he insists that he is not visiting sites he forbids me from visiting and that he only gets those ads because he reads heavy metal news websites and guitar websites and that those ads target men his age who are interested in heavy metal. He then gets very mad and we cannot talk about it. Now, I like porn as much as men (weird, I know) and even suggested watching it with him several times. I get no response. I even did an experiment and went to all the heavy metal and guitar sites...nothing. Porn sites....tons of ads like his. Doesn't take a rocket scientist.

    A little back history: Our relationship is very strong emotionally and we have the best sex of our lives. He satisfies my huge libido at least 3-4 days a week (I wish it was every day but due to his job and age, it's not as easy for him to perform every day.). For us, a quickie is 20 minutes. Sex usually lasts well over an hour resulting in well over 20 or more orgasms for me each time (clitoral, squirting, vaginal), however, I do most of the work, he takes over at the end when he needs to finish. Weird, and not my choice. Have told him many times things I would like him to initiate, but nothing.

    Now, I don't care if he is watching things he states that he isn't, but what makes me insecure about it is that I think he is lying to me about it. He has since unlinked his phone from his MSN account on his desktop so that his true browsing ads are not coming up on his desktop anymore (which is shady to me cuz it makes me think he is trying to hide it and thinks I am stupid when it comes to technology). Again, a fight starts if I try to explore it in conversation. He also comes up with some cool sex moves every so often that we never did before and one can only guess where he comes up with these ninja sex moves. He can count on one hand how many women he had sex with in his life, so he is not that experienced in real life. He also gets very mad at me if I glance at an attractive man or woman in his presence, but yet he will look at women in my presence (several glances at the same woman over a several minute period) and claims that he is not looking at other women and that he is just aware of his surrounding or people watching. But when he looks at them, he scans their form, looks at their clothes, their breasts, butt, etc. If I do this, I get called out on it. If he does it and I call him out, he gets mad and a fight ensues. He also gets very upset if men look at me. He will not let me dress sexy in public, forbids me from going without a bra in public and keeps telling me he wants me to save if for him. I am extremely fit (I have 6 pack abs at 50-something, 36, 24, 36) and men look at me all the time no matter what I wear. I have learned how to dress sexy without showing too much cleavage or legs. Every woman wants to dress sexy. I also wear very sexy underwear to help me feel sexier in my "cover-up" clothes. Funny, he loved the way I dressed when we met. Interestingly enough, I had to throw away all my expensive rechargeable vibrators as he does not want me using them with him or alone.

    So, my question is this: Am I just being insecure? Does this seem like it's a double standard? Am I justified in being mad that I think I'm being lied to? I wouldn't care if he was watching stuff online and admitting it, it's the lying that bothers me. I also don't care if he looks at women when we are apart (I do it too), but in front of me? When you forbid me to look in front of you? If I catch him looking at some girl and call him out, he gets mad and brings up all these "times I was looking at men" even if I consciously divert my eyes when an attractive man/woman crosses my path. If this were you, how would you handle this? The resentment is causing a problem for me but I cannot talk to him about it because he gets so mad if I try to bring it up. I really have no one to run this by to check my head. Thanks in advance.

  • I'm so sorry that this situation is causing you and your partner distress! It sounds like it's pretty tricky to communicate about porn with your partner, and that it's a sticky topic for him. I definitely think that you should be allowed to have sex toys and vibrators if (and even if not!) your partner enjoys watching porn. Sex and sexuality are unique to our own personal identities, and the more we can freely experiment with our sexual interests, the more fulfilled and happy we will feel. Maybe finding a new or different way of talking about this with your partner will help. Finding a way to show him that you're not threatened by the porn watching, but instead would like more open and honest communication. It's never fun to feel like the people that we love and trust are going behind our backs.

    Comment


    • The porn problem is that he disapproves of me watching it even tho he does. I still watch porn, he just is not privy to it. I don't understand why it is okay for him but not for me. I enjoy porn as much as any other porn fan. He just gets all twisted if he knows I'm watching it and seriously disapproves. Double standard as he does and that is okay? Just trying to understand why he does not like it when I do. Again, I have tried to get him to watch it with me, he still states that he does not watch it and is not interested in it, but all signs point to his activity. I'm just trying to get why he feels it is okay for him but not me.

      Comment


      • Obviously, only the two of you understand your relationship dynamic and what works for you both but not being allowed to do anything legal and not harming you or people around you seems VERY controlling. There is something more to it that he is not conveying. Or at least not able to. It sounds like he has some insecurity issues. Not sure why because from what you say, you have an amazing sex life. I think if you can both get to the root of why he insists you do not watch porn, you will have your answer. Good luck!

        Comment


        • Okay, so I am just going to chalk it up to his insecurities. I have been told I am a little out of his league, maybe he is fearful that he will lose me? I just hope I didn't end up with some weird peeping tom sort of creep that is very voyeuristic, he has told me before he is visual when it comes to sex, but considering he is a male, this didn't concern me. I am visual as well, so I kinda get it. However, the extremity of his wishes as far as I am concerned is what is unsettling. In this time of covid, I have gotten myself pretty secluded. I recently moved out of state, so I don't even have any friends to run all this by. It just seems weird that he is engaging in his "voyeurism" and does not feel that his partner should be doing the same. Who knows? I might just be making a big deal out of nothing. I will just continue with my activity and allow him to continue with his. I just can't help but shake the feeling that there is something amiss.

          Comment


          • Wow, like you, I am more concerned with the lies than the porn. When ppl watch porn, they’re often fantasizing and even masturbating along. I imagine that’s the part he doesn’t want you doing—even though (or perhaps because) he’s doing it himself.

            this smacks of thieves who lock all their stuff up to an absurd degree, or those dads who were lecherous in high school and now that HiLaRiOuS pics of them holding guns on their daughters dates. Someone doth protest too much.

            I’m seeing red flags all over this sitch. Making his insecurities your problem will not get better with time.

            Comment


            • It's totally normal to enjoy porn and in no way means you're not fulfilled sexually by your partner. Sex and masturbation exist in separate spaces and there is room for both. Someone described it to me once as sex being a steak and masturbation being a burger. Like a steak is often better but sometimes you're just in the mood for a burger.

              For me, your partner "forbidding" you to do anything speaks to a lot of insecurities on his part. Not only is you wanting to watch porn completely unrelated to your relationship, but him feeling he has the right to tell you what you can and cannot do is very problematic.

              Sometimes in these situations even when you're in the right you have to spend some time giving your partner the reassurance they are craving, i.e. assuring your partner that he is enough for you and watching porn does nothing to detract from his manhood. But in this situation your partner seems very set in his opinions and I'm not sure if a frank conversation can do anything to change his mind. If that's the case, it may be time to make some harder decisions about your relationship.

              Comment


              • All I can say at first is "Wow".

                I learned a long time ago that "trust and honesty" are the most important bonds in any relationship. Beit in a friendship, business relationship, or with an intimate partner. For the sake of argument, let's pretend your partner doesn't watch porn or look at other women (although it is quite evident he does). The mere fact that he "forbids" you to watch any porn or dress in a manor that makes you feel sexy is a way to control and manipulate you.

                You mentioned that your relationship is "strong emotionally" with a great sex life. Trust me when I say it is not judging by what you have divulged already. The mind is the single most important tool in anyone's life. Anyone who dares to suppress you imagination with jealous rhetoric does not care about you no matter how good they are in bed. Watching porn could be considered by some as emotional cheating if they hide it from their partner. Fair enough, but it sounds like you have already touched on the topic since he has since expressed his opinion.

                An insecure partner is like introducing acid to a relationship. Eventually it eats away at trust and resentment becomes inevitable. I have had my fair share of insecure relationships. Some have lasted months while others lasted years. They always end the same after being totally honest with myself. Either the manipulation tactics erode the relationship naturally, or they ended up cheating. The outcome is inevitable either way.

                I am fortunate to have a partner who I can share any thought with without fear of judgement. We both watch porn once in a while. Sometimes alone, and other times together but neither of us hide the fact. He will even accompany me when I shop for sex toys knowing full well I will use them alone whenever the mood strikes me.

                I too love staying in great shape. I work out 5 or 6 days a week and I am not ashamed of the results. Equally proud is my partner. He loves it when I wear sexy clothes and has no problem with other men (and sometimes women) check me out in public. In fact, dare I say, it turns him on and he never displays any jealousy...ever. Not only do I wear the skimpiest bikinis on the beach with little left to the imagination, but we frequently attend nude resorts during vacations. I'm not suggesting this is every one's cup of tea, but our emotional bond in unbreakable.

                It sounds like you two should get serious and seek help. Your post holds a lot of emotion and the current situation is clearly eroding the "happily ever after" segment of your relationship. It will only get worse if you don't address your feelings and come to a mutual consensus that you can both embrace. I wish you luck.

                Comment


                • ForeverMermaid After reading through everything, and as a man that used to be/feel this way, I can honestly relate.

                  As some have already mentioned the true likelihood of this stems from insecurity -- I know cause I used to be the same way...I forbade my girlfriends from masturbating without me (or even with me!), and doing all sorts of stuff...

                  I'm honestly not sure about the real reason deep down inside -- other than blanket insecurity of not being enough...if they can get satisfied without me, why do they need me?

                  For a sensitive guy -- or one dealing with past trauma from his childhood, past relationships, or events that bring on an added sensitivity -- having the person that you are MOST intimate and vulnerable with potentially reject you, not need you, or otherwise put a seed of doubt in your mind is devastating.

                  I know cause I've lived that feeling...

                  The bedroom is one area where those thoughts and feelings manifest the most frequently, unfortunately.

                  So, all that being said (and I hope it gives you more compassion and understanding -- that is after all the key to resolving and growing, not judgment or anger...), what is the solution? How do you make it better?

                  The key is for you and him to talk things through honestly, and for you to reassure him -- he is the only one you want, he satisfies you like a ****ing rock star (and 20 orgasms per sesh certainly validates that!!!), and HE's the only one for you...

                  And...this might seem/sound silly -- but telling him that the way he touches you, has sex with you, makes you cum is BETTER than how you can even do it on your own! So if you ever do masturbate, it's good and does the job, but you would ALWAYS much rather have HIM...

                  You get where this is going -- lots of ego-stroking.

                  Now, his part of the bargain: He needs to get over himself. But please don't say that to him...ego and hurt feelings and all that, and you want to be kind.

                  But the reality is that he has to grow up a bit more, become more self-confident, and start to turn what is insecurity into a kink, fetish, or desire!

                  Meaning, instead of NOT allowing you to masturbate, starting to "let" you do it with him...starting slowly with that sort of thing (perhaps masturbating while he's inside you?)...let him get used to the fact that "hey this is fun! and I'm ok with it..."...over time, it can grow into a fantasy ("hey baby...you know, I was thinking about you masturbating today...I really liked that...") which can further grow and expand into watching porn together, on your own, buying toys together, etc.

                  The final piece -- and arguably the most important -- is that he works on himself.

                  Why is he insecure? What has led to this -- odds are frankly, he doesn't/won't know, or want to admit it to you, even if he does figure it out...

                  For this, self-help/personal growth and development are key -- I would recommend seminars, books, podcasts, therapy, and an open mind.

                  Odds are, he's got some baggage (we all do, including you!) that he needs to work through and once he does, he'll start to loosen up, become more free, and start to see the full spectrum of possibility as not threatening, but FUN!

                  Over time, that's what happened to me -- I went from "forbidding" my partners from masturbating to now ASKING for them to do it with me not there at all, and then telling me all about it...

                  I think it's a HUGE turn-on if a partner wears something that shows her body so other people look at her, hit on her and make her feel sexy -- hell, I even get turned on now by the thought of her being hit on and talking to another man.

                  Let's just say I've come a long way...

                  But the absolute #1 rule to this sustaining itself?

                  I MUST feel as if she wants me more than anyone or anything else. I have to feel 100% secure, or else (I suspect like most of us), trust degrades, confidence falters and insecurities come back and lead to a bad downward spiral...

                  Anyway, I hope this has helped everyone who reads this thread understand more about this from a man's perspective for healing, and to create more positive and wonderful relationships based on trust, understanding, empathy and personal growth and development.

                  Be kind to each other...then get sexy together! ;-)

                  Comment


                  • First, I want to thank the women who have posted encouraging me to stand up for my masturbation/sexy dress rights. I tend to agree with you and it also makes me sad that I have to start rethinking my relationship. This is the only area we have problems. Otherwise, we are inseparable, we cook dinner together every night, we share coffee in bed on Sunday mornings, we shower together every day including washing each other (I cannot remember the last time I washed my own hair haha), we snuggle ALL NIGHT LONG, which in my experience, you hit a gold mine if you can find a man that snuggles and enjoys it as much as you! We literally do everything together.

                    JonnyR, your post was especially interesting and I appreciate your insight more than you know. The old you sounds just like my lover. I am so happy to talk to someone who really understands. I don’t want to rethink my relationship, I want to get past it like you did.

                    I can get a feel for where his insecurities may come from. He was very lonely as a teenager and adult, he was afraid of everything, even girls. He has dated/had sex with very few women. He was married once, but she cheated on him. I can speculate why but I still wish to work through this than end it like that. He is very insecure about his body and looks even though he is hot as ******************** to me. I lavish praise on his body all the time. I’m constantly putting him in my mouth, I tell him all the time how much pleasure he gives me. For example, after having a lovely lovemaking session last night, we woke up early this morning lusting after each other. I climbed on top of him and it only took a few strokes of penetration and I am squiring all over him and the bed. He knows how much he turns me on and how good he feels to me. I keep telling him that his penis is perfect and the perfect size for my Virginia as well as my throat. I stroke his ego constantly, hanging all over him like yesterdays sweater haha.

                    Now, for myself, I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I was a dancer in my 30’s, have much experience with sex with multiple partners of both sexes. I have made porn before, live sex acts on stage, I engaged in all the hook-ups, sexting, webcam masturbation sessions, etc (obviously before him). He is aware of much of my past sexual history due to questions on his part. Now, after reading your post, I am wondering if this is why he is afraid. Is my sexual past leading him to believe that I will cheat? This may be where this is coming from.

                    Over the last several weeks, I have been trying to introduce masturbation in our lovemaking. I get so wildly turned on watching men masturbate. Wildly turned on. Especially watching the end result lol. I started having him masturbate for me and I would masturbate in kind, nice a slow so as to really turn him on. Kind of like a “show him what I like that he ’s not already doing”, even though he is very attentive and makes me squirt gallons with his hands and mouth. He prefers to masturbate me while he masturbates himself. I am beginning to think that this is more exploratory on his part as he never really felt comfortable touching women, even when married. He tells me that even though he knows I think he is a divine lover, he still is not sure when to make advances, (should I touch her? not sure if I should do this or that? What if I touch her and she doesn't want to?...I've told him I always want him, even when I am sick lol) so I kinda dominate that arena. I will give him deep oral when he makes me cum…we can continue with this for well over an hour before he pushes me and takes me from behind. He still does not have me masturbate much though. I have really been paying attention and he appears to get so much pleasure watching me get off on him, squirting on his hand, on his hips. He will even shout "oh my god, that is so hot" when I'm pushing myself down on his hand as I squirt. So Im wondering if he wants to be the only one to make me feel that much pleasure. Incidentally, sometimes I have very hot dreams (usually about him) and will masturbate in my sleep. He usually wakes me up so that I stop. I always thought this was weird. He also does not initiate sex in the middle of the night but loves when I do. I would love to wake up with his mouth on me and have said that many times, but it does not happen. He is not opposed to giving me oral and usually initiates it during sex.

                    I actually started talking to him about making porn and selling it online. He seems very interested in this as long as it is a together thing and I am not doing it on my own without him. I hesitate a little as I’m afraid his insecurities will blow it all up. We are just discussing it right now, no real plans. During these discussions, I kinda get the feeling that he does not mind if I watch porn with him, just not without him, probably for that insecure “I want to be the one to get her off”.

                    He expresses his concerns about not keeping me pleased as I do have a very high sex drive (which is one reason why I masturbate). I think he fears that I will stray if he does not please me. He is a very skilled lover for having so few partners and I see his skills have increased greatly since we started being together, I’m assuming he found some instructional information online which I completely appreciate. You can’t learn what he does by only watching porn and I know he has watched a lot of porn in his day. In fact, I feel that he does so many things to try to keep me interested in him (impeccable hygiene, working so hard to make his body more attractive to me with every workout…he didn’t worry so much about these things at the beginning of our relationship)

                    Its funny, I used to masturbate while I was on top because I wanted him to feel the contractions of my clitoral orgasm, but he stopped me telling me that only porn girls do that and they are faking the pleasure anyway. I actually tried this last week and he did not stop me. Baby steps, I guess. I actually would not mind continuing this conversation with you JonnyR, so that I can help him heal. I completely understand that he thinks I am the hottest lover he has ever had. I constantly tell him the same and I am being honest about it. He really is the best lover I ever had and I hate that this is the only area of our relationship that is constrained. Thank you again for your input, it all makes sense to me now. Also, sorry this is so long.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by ForeverMermaid View Post

                      Now, for myself, I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I was a dancer in my 30’s, have much experience with sex with multiple partners of both sexes. I have made porn before, live sex acts on stage, I engaged in all the hook-ups, sexting, webcam masturbation sessions, etc (obviously before him). He is aware of much of my past sexual history due to questions on his part. Now, after reading your post, I am wondering if this is why he is afraid. Is my sexual past leading him to believe that I will cheat? This may be where this is coming from.

                      I actually started talking to him about making porn and selling it online. He seems very interested in this as long as it is a together thing and I am not doing it on my own without him. I hesitate a little as I’m afraid his insecurities will blow it all up. We are just discussing it right now, no real plans. During these discussions, I kinda get the feeling that he does not mind if I watch porn with him, just not without him, probably for that insecure “I want to be the one to get her off”.

                      He expresses his concerns about not keeping me pleased as I do have a very high sex drive (which is one reason why I masturbate). I think he fears that I will stray if he does not please me. He is a very skilled lover for having so few partners and I see his skills have increased greatly since we started being together, I’m assuming he found some instructional information online which I completely appreciate. You can’t learn what he does by only watching porn and I know he has watched a lot of porn in his day. In fact, I feel that he does so many things to try to keep me interested in him (impeccable hygiene, working so hard to make his body more attractive to me with every workout…he didn’t worry so much about these things at the beginning of our relationship)

                      ForeverMermaid -- what you described in the quote above is it exactly!

                      When I read what you wrote, I could picture myself in my younger days.

                      Honestly, I think it is a mistake to talk any more about past lovers, what you've done, not done, etc -- here's the thing, when a man is vulnerable and REALLY loves you (as I suspect he does), insecurities are heightened way more than in any other situation.

                      He is most vulnerable with you than he's ever been with anyone else it sounds like, and you talking about porn, the men you've been with, what you've done et al, is NOT helping...I would gently not bring those subjects up, and not talk about them -- unless he asks, then of course, you should be completely honest, but do it in a very kind and conscientious way.

                      Don't just answer "I've done porn." Instead gently say something like "LOL...you're so cute in asking me that. Yeah, I recorded a few videos back in the day..." and leave it at that. If he probes deeper, always be honest and answer his question (I am not advocating you lie) but do it in the least revealing and harsh manner possible -- use the platinum rule (treat others the way THEY want to be treated) which supersedes the golden rule!

                      I would also NOT advocate doing a porn video with or without him -- this will make things much worse!

                      You've got some work to do to build trust, his ego, and his experience before ever getting to that point with things...

                      I think your pace and current goals are good -- start with simple stuff: what are HIS fantasies (act them out), what can he do to please you that is a "bit" more risque than the last thing you guys did (you are doing that...) etc. Each thing builds his confidence, skills, and allows him to relax and let things go.

                      It would also help for him to hang out with other guys who are more relaxed about sex (something that REALLY helped me a long time ago was when one of my best friends told me that he and his girlfriend practiced phone sex with each other -- at the time, I didn't want anyone I dated masturbating without me there, so I was horrified. He explained that it brought them closer together and was fun...conversations like that opened up my eyes and mind that perhaps I was a bit too uptight for my own good...), situations that normalize stuff for him and of course, his own self and personal development work with seminars, online education, podcasts and things that work specifically on mindset, education and confidence.

                      It will take time, but somewhere along the way, he'll have a breakthrough and catch you completely off guard with something he'll ask to do or do to you...it will be the beginning of something deeper for both of you.

                      Remember, as he gets older his libido or sex drive might decrease while yours stays the same...this could also cause some sensitivities. I know for me, I am a 3-4 day a week sex kinda guy vs. 7 day a week...it's just the way Im built. But those days that my desire and drive are back, I'm like a loaded ****ing weapon...

                      Cadence is important -- would you rather have 3-4 mind-blowing sex sessions per week, or 7 mediocre ones? This is where experimentation, pacing and openness will help.

                      At any rate, I think you're on the right track, and I was happy to help you see this from a different perspective! It sounds like there's a lot of love between you guys, and if the sex is THAT good when you have it-- I don't see why you would ever consider leaving if everything else is aligned (the important stuff outside of the bedroom!).

                      Comment

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