[Mcqueenbee]

We have been married for 6 years. While dating, we had sex twice a day sometimes 4 times a day. Shortly before the wedding, he stated, "You like having sex...a lot." like it was a problem. It was a blow I never experienced. I simply answered, "No, I like having sex with you. You turn me on." I then realized I was the one initiating sex most the time. It was not long that I stopped initiating and the sex stopped happening. Now, sex happens 4-5 times a year.
The issue has been brought to his attention on so many different occasions. Many times he shifts the blame on me. I was always a sexual creature and this was damaging. It was damaging to my confidence and self-esteem. So much that when I starting gaining weight I refused to let him see me naked. I developed such a poor self image. Until lately, he had used that as a excuse. So I would wear sexy lingerie and robes. I was racking my brain trying to figure out why he did not want to have sex with me. Then, I remembered a conversation we had when dating. He had mentioned that at point in his previous marriage they did not have sex for 4 years. She was not interested, she did not like, she, she, she. No, it was him. The common factor here is my husband!
See here is another issue I deal with...ED!! I discovered by accident my husband was taking viagra once we were engaged. An erection can not be maintained without some pill, (we are both in our mid 40s). He has no problem achieving one or ejaculating during oral sex or masturbating but intercourse is out without a pill. When I confronted him about my discovery, I was sad and confused. I felt like I did not turn him on. He had assured me that in order for them to work, he needs to be turned on. However, here I am 7 years later and even when he takes them, he can't maintain an erection. More recently, even the pills don't help.
During a recent cry for help, I explained to him that it was not fair to me. He did not blame me this time but he did take the blame. He says because he had gained so much weight, he feels disgusting. I asked him if I am supposed to wait until he loses 40 lbs to have sex. In this same discussion, he mentions that he can gave me oral sex and that he loves giving oral sex. WTF??? He has gone down on me TWICE in 8 years! Is my marriage this doomed that my husband is just revealing he loves doing something he never does on me?
I love my husband and he does dote on me. He is caring, supportive, kind and gentle. He listens when I express my frustrations. I can tell him at 9 pm I need sex in my marriage and at 11:30, he rolls over and gives me a kiss goodnight. I don't to keep rehashing the issue in order to have sex. I don't want to leave but I feel incomplete. I don't feel comfortable discussing this with anyone so I figured I would give this a try.
Could you be in a sexless marriage with a terrific person? Do you have any advice to give me?

[atskitty2]

This is always a tough one. Mis-matched libido is a thing. It's a huge issue, and not one that has a simple solution. It's such a shame that this reality was hidden prior to the marriage.

There's really nothing you can do about your biological needs, and nothing he can reasonably do about his either.

It sounds like you've done a fair amount of discussing this issue, and there's been little progress. Have you considered seeing a counselor, if only to help you decide what your priorities are, and help you find the best course of action for you both?

There are couples in this situation that find a third party to meet the needs of the person with the higher sex drive. Is that something you have thought of, or would even consider? That opens a lot of questions, and may not be a viable option, but it's something to consider.

I'm very sorry this is happening, and I wish you all the best in finding a solution that will keep you happy and together.

[wedasfaw]

When in a couple, communication must come first. Due to the lack of communication, misunderstandings occur, especially in bed. My husband and I faced such problems. His problem was that he was no longer attracted to me after I gave birth. I wouldn't say I liked the way I looked. So I started investing in my beauty. I began to follow a daily beauty routine after these tips. In addition, we communicated with a psychologist. Slowly, our relationship returned to normal.

[Alison H.]

The shifting of the blame, it almost seems like it was a defense mechanism on his part because he is struggling with ED. I think that anyone, regardless of gender, feels "less than" if they can't perform sexually but that can be a hard thing to admit to yourself.

When libidos are not in sync, that can create a difficult rift to resolve in any relationship, especially a marriage. But the communication is important and if one partner's needs are not being met, a serious conversation is warranted — quite possibly with a marriage counselor or sex therapist. It's possible that a compromise can be reached, in some way that works best for both you.

What that might look like... it could mean discussing an open marriage, it might mean your husband actually performing oral sex when asked, or it might mean you starting a collection of sex toys and taking matters into your own hands. I know that's not a substitute for human contact, but if you're able to have that need met through cuddling and other physical contact, while having your sexual needs met in some way on your own, it may be a way to coexist in a sexless marriage.

I don't know, personally, if I could stay in a truly sexless marriage. I like to think I could — but we all like to think the best of ourselves that way. I know there were times when I wasn't able to "perform" (pregnancy, and then cancer treatment and recovery, sex was off limits for a long time) but I did still at least offer occasional hand jobs as a consolation prize. It was minimal effort and something I could do to sort of "make up" for the sex I wasn't able to provide.

If your husband is able to look at your pleasure and needs that same way, and really commit to doing what he can (even if it is everything BUT penetrative sex), your needs can be met but without putting pressure on him for sex. But again, that is a conversation that might be best had in the presence of a counselor or therapist, if he isn't willing to take it seriously at home when you bring it up.

Marriages take work, and sex isn't always easy — it feels like it should be, but it can be really complicated when libidos are opposite from one another. I hope that things get better for you, both of you.