[Jeanette46]

Ive been married for over 20 years and i cheated recently for the first time ever in my life and i feel so mixed about it all, i dont know how to clear my head or what to do now, anyone got any advice for me?

[Wednesday L.F.]

My philosophy on such things is that if you plan to tell your partner about it, you should do so ASAP. If you decide not to, understand that this might be the kind of secret that festers and slowly ruins an otherwise good marriage.

With that in mind, you can clear your mind by coming clean to your partner.
Or you can decide not to do that, and find a way to forgive yourself and move forward.

That's all presuming you want to preserve the marriage. If you don't, I daresay you have a lot more options.

[Jeanette46]

First of all, thank you for your reply, ive started thinking about telling my husband and just hope i can be forgiven. I have hardly been able to sleep lately so its clearly something affecting my daily life in such a way that i need to get a solution to it as soon as possible. I cant really understand how i managed to end up in the situation but i know im the only one to blame.

[jns]

Welcome to WH Interactive Forums.

There is no one size fits all answer. I suppose the first thing is to ask the level of cheating. Some people consider it cheating if you have fantasies about being with someone else. Some people consider it cheating if you communicate with someone else in an intimate way. Some people consider it cheating only if you touch each other in an intimate way. Some people considerate it cheating if you play intimate show and tell. Some people considerate cheating if you try to arouse the other by touch. Some people consider it cheating only if you have intercourse. Some may not consider it cheating even with intercourse, such as with an open relationship.

The taboo of being with another person while in a committed relationship can make cheating exciting and can also lead to remorse. You have remorse and are not trying to deflect the blame onto your spouse or the other other person.

Now you are at damage control. The best thing would be for your husband to forgive you, maybe after a short period of penance on your part. This is how we were to move past things we did wrong as children. Of course, it was either penance or punishment then. The questions now are: is your husband truly the forgiving kind and are you willing to go down that path? I hope this indiscretion was with someone who was far away because it will not lead to reminders or possibly local talk.

I personally would allow things to cool a bit so I could think clearly and logically. Telling your husband may irretrievably damage a good relationship. Getting counseling would probably help. If you are religious, clergy may be who to talk to. Therapists may help. Both groups are not supposed to let the story go further and they may help you get your thoughts organized.

You say you are more than 20 years into marriage so I hope that means that a pregnancy is not likely, assuming that the cheating included intercourse.

In this analysis I have assumed that your husband is relatively straight laced. Some husbands seem so but have very kinky hidden sides that would defy this analysis. Others may seem straight laced but roll with the punches so a revelation like this would not faze them. You could probably tell best but it is not very predictable.

[Jeanette46]

Thank you for welcoming me and giving an answer that really gets me thinking. In my situation i admit i went full way with this other guy, my husband is for me a truly great guy in every way possible but i dont have the biggest hope about he forgiving me, my mind is re-thinking the same question over and over, how long should i wait to have a bigger chance for him to forgive me.

The guy i was with was a guy i never seen or met before, hard to explain what was so special about him but he completely blew my mind of everything that night, i have thought about counseling but i dont think they can change my thought on if i should tell my husband or what to say, i think a counselor could help me to prevent me for doing the again.

You are right about the pregnancy-thing, i had my chances of that removed shortly after i had my second child so that is the only thing im happy about in my situation.

My husband is quite conservative in his thinking about issuses in the world most of time, but at times he can change his meaning and view about things as time goes by.