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  • Vastly different libidos - Looking for advice

    My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 1.5 years now. To make a long story short: her libido is non-existent (since day 1) and I am looking for advice...please help because I truly love her. More details below....

    My girlfriend truly loves me and I love her back. However, I find that she does not ever initiate sex (unless she's drunk). She is what I would call shy and not very comfortable being freaky or even talking about sex. She has openly told me that she would be "perfectly fine" going three months or more without sex. With every girl before her, I found that there existed a mutual body language and sexual tension/flirtation that led to both of us having physical passion. With her, it's more like girlish pecks and hand holding...never leading to a more sexual interaction. Therefore, I initiate sex every time, which makes me feel terrible because I am a person who needs physical touch, and I feel like she doesn't want me even though she says she does.

    When we do have sex, it is very PG and I have to do most of the work. Usually her eyes are closed or the lights are off making it seem like she isn't present. Dirty talk, nudes, and public sex are totally unwanted. She can only orgasm from foreplay, which basically means that she is only having sex afterwards to please me. This actually turns me off, because I feel like I'm putting her into a situation she doesn't benefit from. Or, I feel guilty when I move on from foreplay before she orgasms.

    The worst part is that I have tried to openly communicate with her about these issues, and I am met with different excuses and defenses. First she tried to put the blame on me saying that I don't do enough foreplay, or that I'm doing foreplay incorrectly, or that I just make her feel like "a hole" and not like a person I'm in love with, or that I am disgusting because I do disgusting things that all men do. Then she tries to act insecure claiming that I make her feel disgusting or that I make it seem like I don't like sexing her. Then she blamed her birth control saying that birth control makes her libido drop. And of course, if I tell her she's in denial or compare her to the other 30 women I have been with, she gets even more defensive. She says her libido is "fine."

    Note that I don't need someone sex-crazed but basically every woman I've been with before her loved sex. Some wanted sex every day or at least every week. Some wanted to do it in public, some wanted toys and one even wanted a leash. Some wanted me to choke, or cum on their face. Some would send me nudes or love it when I finish inside them. So I do believe that women are very sexual beings as a whole, and she may have more of an actual clinical issue going on.

    I can promise you that I have never had previous complaints from other women about my foreplay skills, and I have truly made efforts to be even better at foreplay. I give her verbal reassurance all the time to try and help her self esteem. This whole situation has made me feel like a total failure, and honestly, I don't even want to initiate sex anymore.

    Just a side note: She is on Prozac (which can affect libido), birth control, and ADHD meds. I also should mention that I am not some crazy sexaholic; I am in my early thirties and believe I have a very normal sex-drive. I would love to do whatever she wants or needs to make her happy in the bedroom. I love experimenting and going crazy on the women I love.

    At this point, are we sexually incompatible? Should I move on? Give her an ultimatum? Try something else? Some people say I should stop trying to change her, other people say it's not normal.

  • hello and welcome!

    Wow.
    I’m not even sure where to begin. If your gf is self-conscious during sex, has to drink to feel comfortable enough to initiate, and rarely orgasms from the experience, she may be asexual. She may also have experienced past trauma that requires therapy or EMDR. And yes, she may just be going through the motions just to please you.

    What she does not need is you comparing her to previous lovers, or bolstering your ego at her expense per your “I’ve never had any complaints” comments. Plenty of women don’t complain about unfulfilling sex for a number of reasons I won’t bother listing here. But believe me when I tell you that a lack of complaints does not equate to unparalleled sexual prowess.

    You sound like you feel entitled to certain sexual things because you’re in a relationship. It also sounds like your gf has noticed and is not into it. Are you sure this is the right person for you? Is she?

    if you want to make it work, try focusing on her needs without judgements or comparisons. Converse about it during a calm moment outside the bedroom. Approaching the topic from a perspective of “what can I do to make this good for you” is likely to yield better results than admonishments about how unsatisfied you are. That doesn’t make anyone feel sexy.

    Comment


    • OMG you should like my boyfriend. He says all these things to me and I feel like he's definitely a nympho and selfish. He never wants to just enjoy being together doing simple things having fun. All he talks about is sex and constantly hounds me for bjs. He use to hound me for sex getting mad if I turned him down so I started just letting him have sex with my body so he'd be happy and stop fighting with me and being mean to me. We have a son together so I haven't left but I feel like I'm trapped in this life. No one is entitled to have sex.

      Comment


      • Sound* like

        Comment


        • Originally posted by SBC123 View Post
          OMG you should like my boyfriend. He says all these things to me and I feel like he's definitely a nympho and selfish. He never wants to just enjoy being together doing simple things having fun. All he talks about is sex and constantly hounds me for bjs. He use to hound me for sex getting mad if I turned him down so I started just letting him have sex with my body so he'd be happy and stop fighting with me and being mean to me. We have a son together so I haven't left but I feel like I'm trapped in this life. No one is entitled to have sex.
          hmmm... seems like a vastly different situation to yours... Move on if you are not happy.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by SBC123 View Post
            OMG you should like my boyfriend. He says all these things to me and I feel like he's definitely a nympho and selfish. He never wants to just enjoy being together doing simple things having fun. All he talks about is sex and constantly hounds me for bjs. He use to hound me for sex getting mad if I turned him down so I started just letting him have sex with my body so he'd be happy and stop fighting with me and being mean to me. We have a son together so I haven't left but I feel like I'm trapped in this life. No one is entitled to have sex.
            Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. To me your situation sounds like one neither you nor your boyfriend should be in. Was the situation different in the beginning and before your son came along?
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

            Comment


            • Originally posted by jcbmv11 View Post
              My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 1.5 years now. To make a long story short: her libido is non-existent (since day 1) and I am looking for advice...please help because I truly love her. More details below....

              My girlfriend truly loves me and I love her back. However, I find that she does not ever initiate sex (unless she's drunk). She is what I would call shy and not very comfortable being freaky or even talking about sex. She has openly told me that she would be "perfectly fine" going three months or more without sex. With every girl before her, I found that there existed a mutual body language and sexual tension/flirtation that led to both of us having physical passion. With her, it's more like girlish pecks and hand holding...never leading to a more sexual interaction. Therefore, I initiate sex every time, which makes me feel terrible because I am a person who needs physical touch, and I feel like she doesn't want me even though she says she does.

              When we do have sex, it is very PG and I have to do most of the work. Usually her eyes are closed or the lights are off making it seem like she isn't present. Dirty talk, nudes, and public sex are totally unwanted. She can only orgasm from foreplay, which basically means that she is only having sex afterwards to please me. This actually turns me off, because I feel like I'm putting her into a situation she doesn't benefit from. Or, I feel guilty when I move on from foreplay before she orgasms.

              The worst part is that I have tried to openly communicate with her about these issues, and I am met with different excuses and defenses. First she tried to put the blame on me saying that I don't do enough foreplay, or that I'm doing foreplay incorrectly, or that I just make her feel like "a hole" and not like a person I'm in love with, or that I am disgusting because I do disgusting things that all men do. Then she tries to act insecure claiming that I make her feel disgusting or that I make it seem like I don't like sexing her. Then she blamed her birth control saying that birth control makes her libido drop. And of course, if I tell her she's in denial or compare her to the other 30 women I have been with, she gets even more defensive. She says her libido is "fine."

              Note that I don't need someone sex-crazed but basically every woman I've been with before her loved sex. Some wanted sex every day or at least every week. Some wanted to do it in public, some wanted toys and one even wanted a leash. Some wanted me to choke, or cum on their face. Some would send me nudes or love it when I finish inside them. So I do believe that women are very sexual beings as a whole, and she may have more of an actual clinical issue going on.

              I can promise you that I have never had previous complaints from other women about my foreplay skills, and I have truly made efforts to be even better at foreplay. I give her verbal reassurance all the time to try and help her self esteem. This whole situation has made me feel like a total failure, and honestly, I don't even want to initiate sex anymore.

              Just a side note: She is on Prozac (which can affect libido), birth control, and ADHD meds. I also should mention that I am not some crazy sexaholic; I am in my early thirties and believe I have a very normal sex-drive. I would love to do whatever she wants or needs to make her happy in the bedroom. I love experimenting and going crazy on the women I love.

              At this point, are we sexually incompatible? Should I move on? Give her an ultimatum? Try something else? Some people say I should stop trying to change her, other people say it's not normal.
              At this point I would say that you two are sexually incompatible. Possibly the meds are the problem. You could ask her about the time before taking meds but that situation was not a healthy one, either. Maybe her doctor could change the meds to ones that are more agreeable with her having a libido. After all, when alcohol interferes with them, she actually initiates sex.
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              ...
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

              Comment


              • Originally posted by SBC123 View Post
                OMG you should like my boyfriend. He says all these things to me and I feel like he's definitely a nympho and selfish. He never wants to just enjoy being together doing simple things having fun. All he talks about is sex and constantly hounds me for bjs. He use to hound me for sex getting mad if I turned him down so I started just letting him have sex with my body so he'd be happy and stop fighting with me and being mean to me. We have a son together so I haven't left but I feel like I'm trapped in this life. No one is entitled to have sex.
                Hi SBC123, well first let me say that I am sorry for your situation. This sounds tough. I agree with you that no one is entitled to have sex, and I am so sorry that you are going through that, and I do agree that you should be happy.

                That being said, let me play a little devil's advocate. From a man's point of view, there are two aspects to consider. There is the physical aspect and the mental aspect to sex.

                As a man, I can promise you that if we go too long without having sex, our body starts to get angsty. Semen builds up and we start to notice every hot woman that walks by. Wet dreams become more and more likely. This is just biology. Masturbation helps, but it cannot substitute for the real thing. So sometimes we want to bust a quick nut just to feel some relief. I am 30 years old....if I don't orgasm for 1 week or more, I really start to get testy....it's a terrible feeling. I think this slightly different from women, but I won't assume anything because I am not a woman. But as a women, I hope you can understand and sympathize with this. Giving a handjob or blowjob is a great way to show you care if you aren't in the mood, similar to making your partner a sandwich even if you aren't hungry.

                When it comes to the mental aspect, I think it is safe to say that when you enter a romantic relationship with someone there is a fair expectation that you will be romantic physically. Like I said in my post above, I think it's fair for either party to want passion with their significant other. I think a lot of people need physical touch to feel wanted (not just during sex, but also just during the normal day). I think it is fair to expect some physical affection and initiative, not every day, but certainly once in a while, even if it's just once a month. Maybe you can compromise by having sex a little more than you want, and he can compromise by not having sex as much as he wants. Maybe with a little more masturbation, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, it can make up the difference.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by jcbmv11 View Post

                  Hi SBC123, well first let me say that I am sorry for your situation. This sounds tough. I agree with you that no one is entitled to have sex, and I am so sorry that you are going through that, and I do agree that you should be happy.

                  That being said, let me play a little devil's advocate. From a man's point of view, there are two aspects to consider. There is the physical aspect and the mental aspect to sex.

                  As a man, I can promise you that if we go too long without having sex, our body starts to get angsty. Semen builds up and we start to notice every hot woman that walks by. Wet dreams become more and more likely. This is just biology. Masturbation helps, but it cannot substitute for the real thing. So sometimes we want to bust a quick nut just to feel some relief. I am 30 years old....if I don't orgasm for 1 week or more, I really start to get testy....it's a terrible feeling. I think this slightly different from women, but I won't assume anything because I am not a woman. But as a women, I hope you can understand and sympathize with this. Giving a handjob or blowjob is a great way to show you care if you aren't in the mood, similar to making your partner a sandwich even if you aren't hungry.

                  When it comes to the mental aspect, I think it is safe to say that when you enter a romantic relationship with someone there is a fair expectation that you will be romantic physically. Like I said in my post above, I think it's fair for either party to want passion with their significant other. I think a lot of people need physical touch to feel wanted (not just during sex, but also just during the normal day). I think it is fair to expect some physical affection and initiative, not every day, but certainly once in a while, even if it's just once a month. Maybe you can compromise by having sex a little more than you want, and he can compromise by not having sex as much as he wants. Maybe with a little more masturbation, oral sex, or mutual masturbation, it can make up the difference.

                  This is not okay.
                  First of all, the devil needs no advocate.
                  Second, there’s no biological imperative that says men need more sex than women, or that male bodies react badly to a dearth of sex. That’s what nocturnal emissions are for.
                  Third, do consider how incredibly selfish it is to expect your partner to change their medication regimen so you can have more sex. It also seems like if she’d wanted to do that, she’d have done it by now.
                  …and finally, there’s a great series on this very site that can teach you how to make an array of DIY fleshlights that will always agree to your demands.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Wednesday L.F. View Post


                    This is not okay.
                    First of all, the devil needs no advocate.
                    Second, there’s no biological imperative that says men need more sex than women, or that male bodies react badly to a dearth of sex. That’s what nocturnal emissions are for.
                    Third, do consider how incredibly selfish it is to expect your partner to change their medication regimen so you can have more sex. It also seems like if she’d wanted to do that, she’d have done it by now.
                    …and finally, there’s a great series on this very site that can teach you how to make an array of DIY fleshlights that will always agree to your demands.
                    Nocturnal emissions and angst are bad reactions lol. Let me be clear: I was just trying to offer some possible insight. He has no right to expect sex to an excessive frequency, and he certainly shouldn't be making you feel uncomfortable or used. I just wish and hope that you both find some time to be genuinely romantic with each other.

                    It could be considered selfish, but likewise, her continued desire to use birth control that causes side effects that damage the relationship could also be considered selfish on her part...but again, really appreciate your input. It's helpful to hear a third party perspective!

                    Comment

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